Scary: an Introduction 11 - 19.10.21

F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Gappy for shingling. PM myself with a subject for next wank. Meanwhilst...
Crindy - 3
Playfull - 2
Teddy - 1

Next natterjerk: Money (chosen by Gappy)
Leg closed: 6.10.21
Runners are nowt...

Position Score Name
1 4 Gappy, Crindy
2 2 Playfully
3 1 Teddy

1: You know how people say tuppence for two pence?

2: Yeah.

1: And they say thruppence for three pence?

2: In, like, Victorian times, sure.

1: So, why don't they say wuppence for one pence? Is it because pence is the plural of penny, so saying "one pence" is as meaningless as saying "one women", "one geese", or "one haemorrhoids"?

2: Yes.

1: Thought so. But we should say wuppence anyway. Wuppence. Wuppence.

2: It's stupid.

1: Oh, yes. But everything's stupid if you look close enough. Let's start saying it. Wuppence. Wuppence. [BEAT] Wuppence.

2: If you must say it, at least say it when you actually have a penny.

1: Sorry, I don't understand. When I actually have what?

2: [SIGH] Wuppence.

1: Alright, deal: from hereon I'll say wuppence only when I have wuppence.

2: Good.

1: Wuppence. Sorry, that was the last random one. [PAUSE] So, shall we change the words for other money too?

2: I was afraid you'd say that.

1: [CLEARS THROAT] Wuppence tuppence thruppence foppence fippence sippence seppence eppence nippence teppence leppence tweppence thirpence...oh.

2: I wondered when you'd realise that.

1: Not a problem. Instead of saying "fourteen pence", all posh, like you're the mayor of history, we'll say "thirpence and wuppence". Then, t"hirpence and tuppence", then "thirpence and thruppence", then "thirpence-"

2: Yes! I get it. Do you really think that's sensible?

1: It's basically how numbers work in French.

2: It's not far off, I'll grant you.

1: And, of course, a pound will be huppence. It all works. So, I'm going to start a petition to adopt the wuppence-to-huppence system, and march on Downing Street.

2: I'm not sure marching on Downing Street is a great idea.

1: You're right. Not zingy enough. I'll march on Downing Street dressed as a wuppence. You coming?

2: Definitely not. I'm prepared to go along with your stupid ideas in private for the sake of a quiet life, but if you insist in embarrassing yourself in public you shall do so without my involvement. Good day!

1: [BEAT] God, if I had a wuppence for every time I'd heard that...

ALEXA SALE

LIVING ROOM.
BLOKE.

BLOKE Well in the words of Sylvia Plath, f**king awesome! Just got the latest, newest, fabulousest TV system in the whole wide Stoke for the bargainless price of 659874326653579 quid per monthly - cheaper than a royal baby per billisecond! And as the constipee said to the bog, can't wait to give it a go...

(Switches on TV.)

BLOKE Let's try the Comedy Channel. (click) This is, to repeat Ms Plath, total and utter f**king shit. For to quote Oscar Wilde, there is only one thing worse than being talked about behind one's back - and that is Mrs Brown's Boys. What a piece of...

TV Well don't watch it if you don't f**king want to.

BLOKE Huh?

TV You 'eard mate. If you don't like it, just don't f**king watch it.

BLOKE Who are you, Alexa's bastard brother?

TV Yes.

BLOKE All right... Nature channel. (click) Oh for f**k's sakes - two Swedish mongeese bonking in Higher Wickham. This is even shittier.

TV Well don't f**king watch it if you don't f**king...

BLOKE All right, as the politician said to the doctor, I f**king got it. Or I got it f**king... Let's try again. (click) Ah, music!... James Last and his Ormesstra play the gratingest hits of One Direction in Lower Wickham. Jesus...

TV Well don't f**king watch it if you f**king don't f**king...

BLOKE Do you ever shut up?

TV No.

BLOKE Right, where's the manual... (goes to bookcase. Looks through books) Hey, here's that copy of the Complete Works of Shakespeare I got for 50 p. (starts reading)

FADE-OUT / IN.

BLOKE still reading.

VOICE-OVER Netfix,Amazon Prime, Disney Plus... They've all got one thing in common. They are total and utter f**king shit. So read a book instead, you lazy bastard.

INT. ANTIQUE SHOP - DAY

An antique shop filled with trinkets and paintings. The shop OWNER (50s) stands behind the counter as a CUSTOMER (40s) enters.

CUSTOMER
Ah, good day. I was wondering if I could ask you a question?

OWNER
Of course. Although, I should warn you, I'm having a terrible day for questions, so please don't test my patience. It feels like everyone who's come into my shop today has been on the wind up.

CUSTOMER
In what way?

OWNER
Well, just ten minutes ago, a gentleman came in, interested in the musical instrument over there.

The Owner gestures to one item on display, a small musical instrument.

OWNER (Cont'd)
A fascinating item. Sourced from an archaeological dig in Lebanon many years ago. An ancient tribal flute which, for reasons that still baffle archaeologists, isn't designed to make any sound when you play it.

CUSTOMER
It's beautiful, though.

OWNER
It certainly is. And the customer in question wanted to know how much it would cost just to try and blow into it.

CUSTOMER
Well, I mean, that doesn't sound so bad...?

OWNER
It was the way he said it.

CUSTOMER
How did he--?

OWNER
"How much loot to have a toot on that cute, yet mute flute from Beirut?"

CUSTOMER
Oh. I see.

OWNER
And then, before him, I had a lady interested in those items there.

He gestures across the store to a collection of stuffed deer.

OWNER (Cont'd)
Hunting aids from the 17th century. One would position those fake female deer in the forest and wait for them to attract a stag out into the open for you to shoot at.

CUSTOMER
I see. Do you know who originally owned them?

OWNER
Alas, as I told the young lady, the name of the owner was lost in time, so we've just used a placeholder. Still, she claimed that her husband was very well off and wanted to buy them. And she was very keen to ask her question.

CUSTOMER
...What question?

OWNER
"How much of my beau's dough do I owe for John Doe's faux does?"

CUSTOMER
Right. I see. Same as--

OWNER
Same as the first guy. Not to mention the young man who came in this morning asking whether I was the shop that had purchased the Guns N' Roses guitarist's marijuana seed collection, sold at auction last month. Completely unusable, of course, after said guitarist accidentally trod on them, squashing them flat. Still, an interesting collectible.
(long pause, then)
I mean, he didn't ask it quite like that...

CUSTOMER
...How--?

OWNER
"How much cash should I flash for Slash's mashed hash stash?"

CUSTOMER
Right. Could probably have figured that one out myself--

OWNER
So, as you can tell, it's been a long day.
(then, more cheery)
Still, enough of my complaining. You seem a decent enough sort, at least.

The Customer suddenly looks slightly shifty. Guilty, even.

CUSTOMER
Oh, um, yes. I am. I can guarantee: No funny business from me.

OWNER
Fantastic. So, what was your question?

CUSTOMER
Well, um, just a bit of backstory. I'm actually here as a, erm, representative of the famous boxer, Manny Pacquiao. More specifically, his mother.

OWNER
Hmm. Is that a fact?

CUSTOMER
Yes. Erm, to bring you up to speed, her name is Miriam. Although, um, actually, she prefers...Mimi.

The owner's eyes narrow slightly.

OWNER
...Does she, now?

CUSTOMER
Yes. But she does have a lot of wealth, thanks to her son, and she was interested in some of your paintings.

OWNER
Right. Which paintings, exactly...?

CUSTOMER
Um, well, I'm led to believe you've recently acquired some works by...a leading French impressionist? Previously owned by a...certain Premier League footballer?

OWNER
I assume you mean the ones I bought from Sadio Mane?

CUSTOMER
Yes. Um, yes. That's--They're the ones she's interested in. And, erm, I understand a lot of them are quite...small? Miniature, even?

OWNER
The canvases are smaller than usual, yes.
(then, eyes narrowing further)
So, to summarise: You're here to enquire about these smaller than average French impressionist paintings, sold to me by said footballer, on behalf of the wealthy mother of the boxer Manny Pacquiao?

CUSTOMER
Um, yes.

OWNER
(sighing)
Ok. So, what's your question?

CUSTOMER
Well, I, um, just wondered...How many of Mane's mini Monets for Manny's mummy Mimi's money?

OWNER
Get out.

THE END

I had written a sketch about an auction in Hollywood. A prop was discovered which turned out to be an item of immense value. It was the figure of Jesus riding an elephant. It is said to have unique powers due to the melding of Christianity and Hinduism. As the auction is held in Hollywood, various movies are bidding for the piece. The boy In The striped pyjamas has a bid, as does the man with the golden gun. Even jaws the shark has a go.

Anyway, I've lost it but I found another I wrote based in a town close to where I live to celebrate its 800th birthday. As usual I've rambled on too much so here it is.....

INT. LECTURE THEATRE. DAY.
TWO PEOPLE (ANDREW AND TOM) ARE IN ATTENDANCE.

LECTURER:
Welcome. Welcome one and all to this very special lecture on the future of trade and shopping. And what better place to hold it than Nenagh; a town that is synonymous with trade and is historically a marketing town. Whether it be the fairs held in Tyone over the ages or the business acumen and entrepreneurship of people like Joey O' Connor this is certainly the ideal location for this lecture. Now, does anyone know what shopping actually is? No? Shopping? Shop-ping?

ANDREW:
B-buying stuff.

LECTURER:
Buying stuff? Yes. That is one aspect of it certainly. But did you know there are 23 other facets to shopping and these skills are being rapidly forgotten. If we don't act soon we may well forget how to shop and society as we know it will collapse.

ANDREW:
But with the advancement of online shopping and the ease of which we can purchase we are now shopping more than we ever did.

LECTURER:
Exactly my point. Did everyone else hear that? The advancement of online shopping is ruining and destroying our ability to shop.

TOM:
So shopping more is causing us to forget how to do it?

LECTURER:
Precisely. Have you ever heard the saying 'more is less'.

TOM:
No.

LECTURER:
You must be familiar with its connotations then. More shopping online is causing us to have less of an ability to physically shop- physically. This may seem to have little consequence in the grand scheme of things but consider the animal kingdom.

ANDREW:
Why?

LECTURER:
Because I want you to. There's been an underground movement happening for years.

TOM:
Underground movement in the animal kingdom? That would just be moles wouldn't it?

LECTURER:
No, it would not. Did you know that the average rabbit read four books last year - all of them in the area of retail. Squirrels were spotted just miles from here using a shopping trolley to collect their nuts and a wildlife camera caught a family of meercats minting their own coins! The world is drastically changing and we're too busy with our phones and tablets to even notice.
Let me demonstrate how inept at selling we have become. I need a volunteer. Hmm...lets see....I'll...take.....you. Whats your name?

ANDREW:
Andrew.

LECTURER:
Ok Andrew, I want you to sell me this pen.

ANDREW: (Sheepish)
Ah...would you like to buy this pen?

LECTURER: (Very Enthusiastic)
Yeah, definitely!!

LECTURER HANDS OVER MONEY STRAIGHT AWAY.

LECTURER: (CNTD)
Ok, that wasn't a good example. Granted, it was a lovely pen and he had a great manner about him; like a young Terry Wogan. Let's try another volunteer.

HE LOOKS AROUND FOR SEVERAL SECONDS BEFORE PICKING THE OTHER ATTENDEE.

LECTURER:
How about you? Whats your name?

TOM:
Tom.

LECTURER:
Top?

TOM:
No, it's Tom.

LECTURER:
Tusk?

TOM:
Tom. T-O-M, Tom.

LECTURER:
Alright Tom Tom Tom sell me this pencil.

TOM:
Would you like to buy this pencil?

LECTURER:
No way! Yuck!

TOM:
It's perfect for gripping, it has a lovely weight to it and it feels so comfortable in your hand when you write and draw.

LECTURER:
I can't.

TOM:
Of course you can. This will be the best investment you make today.

LECTURER: (UPSET)
I can't you insensitive prick! I've been mugged!! They took everything, even my boxers.

LECTURER PUT HEAD IN HANDS.

TOM:
I'm very sor-

LECTURER: (TEACHING MODE)
See, Turt here has forgotten the seventh rule of selling: 'Never don't know what didn't not happen to the buyer of the thing you didn't sell. Thanks very much Tulf for getting it all wrong.
Let me see how I fare. What would you say if I asked you buy this piece of fluff?

ANDREW:
I'd say no.

LECTURER:
Exact- What!? Would you?

ANDREW:
Yeah, what use is that?

LECTURER:
Correct so far. But what if I told you that this used to be my pet hamster and when he died I couldn't bare to have him stuffed so I had him fluffed instead. The only way I'll remember him is if I sell off all his bits and make money from a hamster death.

ANDREW:
I'd definitely say no to that. Jesus!

LECTURER:
What!?.....Yes exactly. But do you see the lengths I'm going to. It's the mindset of a seller. When I say physically buying I mean mentally. It's only when you buy something physically that it becomes physically bought. Never buy with your mind. Just a little trick to remember.
Now, buy this (he smiles for a split second) Buy this smile (split second smile again) People, we need to be at that level to survive....do you understand? Ye don't!

HE STARTS LOSING IT AND PULLS OUT A GUN.

LECTURER:
Lads!! What am I going to do with you at all!? No-one understands! We're all doomed, DOOMED! I may as well side with the animals. There's a field of cows out there, I'll teach them.

HE RUNS THROUGH THE CORRIDOR WITH GUN IN HAND SHOUTING 'COWS' REPEATEDLY. (OUT OF SHOT) HE HOPS THE GATE FIRES A COUPLE OF SHOTS INTO THE AIR WHICH SPOOKS THE COWS. THEY STAMPEDE AND TRAMPLE HIM.
HE RE-ENTERS THE LECTURE HALL BATTERED AND BROKEN.

LECTURER:
That was the sense of urgency I was looking for. Now, any questions?

HE COLLAPSES.
END.

NOT AN ENTRY - I COULD NOT MAKE THIS UP

The US Federal Reserve

The Fed purchased Treasurys from its member banks, using credit that it created out of thin air. It had the same effect as printing money. By keeping interest rates low, the Fed helped the government avoid the high-interest-rate penalty it would incur for excessive debt.

Current Foreign Ownership of U.S. Debt
In July 2021, Japan owned $1.3 trillion in U.S. Treasury's, making it the largest foreign holder of the national debt. The second-largest holder is China, which owns $1.1 trillion of U.S. debt. Both Japan and China want to keep the value of the dollar higher than the value of their currencies. That helps keep their exports to the U.S. affordable, which helps their economies grow.

Is the Fed private or public? The answer is both. While the Board of Governors is an independent government agency, the Federal Reserve Banks are set up like private corporations. Member banks hold stock in the Federal Reserve Banks and earn dividends.

FROM THE BANK OF ENGLAND WEBSITE

96% of money is held electronically, with 4% in physical cash.

If you borrow £100 from the Bank, and it credits your account with the amount, new money has been created. It didn't exist until it was credited to your account.

Banks create around 80% of money in the economy as electronic deposits in this way.

Gappy this wank.

Gappys and Crindys were both great this week. It's very hard to separate them. I could see Crindys ending coming but it was still satisfying. (I'm sure Monkhouse will have a field day with that sentence) For originality I'll go Gappy - just.

I like "Alexa's bastard brother" as a concept. I also like the part in Otter's where it parodies the "sell me this pen" bit from Wolf of Wall Street, but my vote is going to Crindy this week. I think the fact the end is predictable is what makes it fun, the audience has to try to work out what the pay-off will be. It's very like a sketch my group once performed, where a load of clergy got up to rhyming activity ("Pastor Pasta has to muster plaster faster to cast a vast Rasta on his last four-master"), and the over-long build-ups were definitely enjoyed by the crowd.

I'm just leaning towards Michael this week. I think the Oscar Wilde quote swung it. :)

Thanks. The idea came to me cos everyone's going on about Dave Chapelle and whenever you complain, people go, 'Well don't f**king watch it.' You can't know whether you like something till you've seen it, and you don't invest in something just to leave it off.

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