British Comedy Guide

Oceans Finances

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Saturday 18th September 2021, 10:52am [Edited]
  • Everton, England
  • 3,577 posts

The characters are in a 'Soft Room which is civic but has soft chairs and a dolls house in the corner next to a box of toys. There is a coffee table with kid's books and pens etc on it. The effect is the type of room in a police station that would be used for victims.

EVANS
So, Miss Onjes ...

OCEAN
Call me Ocean everyone does.!

EVANS
Well Ocean, my names Helen, Helen Evans, I'm a Detective Inspector. And this is Jenny, Jenny Highgrove she's a Detective Constable...

HIGHGROVE
I saw you in 'Babes in the Balearics you should have won!

OCEAN
I know I was devastated the girl who won was sleeping with the producer. She got a contract to be the cover model for a massive Azerbaijan cigarette company ...

EVANS
(Intj with eye roll)
Ocean you told the desk sergeant you think your husband is going to kill you, is that right?

OCEAN
Yes

EVANS
Is there a specific reason for you to think that?

OCEAN
He's killed loads of people

EVANS
What would you class as 'Loads'

OCEAN
Well he's strangled at least fourteen that I know of

DI EVANS is concerned while HIGHGROVE is struggling to hide her excitement.

HIGHGROVE
Fourteen that easily makes him a serial killer! I've read loads about them, they're my...

DI EVANS cuts HIGHGROVE short with a very stern look as she continues her questioning doing her best to sound informal.

EVANS
Fourteen, that's a lot

OCEAN
dead pan
He's American

EVANS starts coaxing Ocean almost like she was a child.

EVANS
Ocean do you think that you might be able to help us prove that he's killed all these people? That would really help

OCEAN
(Proud)
There's loads of it , just Google the 'Stonedale Strangler' It comes up before you even get to the end of Strangler, that's how famous he is.

HIGHGROVE
Steven Stonedale I've read about him, but he's on Death Row?

EVANS
Death Row?

OCEAN
That's where I married him!

EVANS is clearly dejected. She stands up and indicates to HIGHGROVE to take over the nonsense and acts as though ready to leave. Her tone is formal.

EVANS
So, what's he done sent you a letter threatening you? Just give DC Highgrove the details and she'll email the jail or something and have his...

OCEAN
intj
He WAS on Death Row , they let him out yesterday!

EVANS sits back down.

EVANS
Let him out?

OCEAN
Yeah, his public defender. That's like a free lawyer found a mistake in his trial. So, they had to let him out even though they know he did it. How mads that?

HIGHGROVE
(excited)
So now you think that he'll come over here and strangle you?

OCEAN
Wouldn't you? They never told me this could happen!

EVANS
They?

OCEAN
The people who make 'Death Row Dollies'

EVANS
Death Row Dollies?

HIGHGATE
It's a show on cable TV ma'am

OCEAN
I did three episodes

OCEAN ticks off the episodes on her fingers.

OCEAN
I did the 'Meet' one, where he was behind glass chained to a chair. Then I did the 'Marriage' one that was also behind glass. Then I did a 'Special' outside on the car park for when his plea for clementine got turned down. I had to do that in all black and pretend to cry it was really testing

EVANS
And now they've let him out?

OCEAN
Yeah! He was supposed to have been getting gassed or something next week.

OCEAN has a dramatic eureka moment

OCEAN
Oh my god I've just realised they won't show the third episode now if he's still alive. So, there's my broadcast fee gone as well. Could this day get any worse?

EVANS
Let's hope not!

HIGHGATE
Do you mind me asking how come your names not Stonedale?

OCEAN
My agent said I'd lose loads of links on social media if I did that because my fans would get all confused. So, I just stick to the name he gave me

EVANS
He gave you?

OCEAN
My name used to be Celene and everyone just called me Cee. So, my agent said it made sense for me to go from being a Cee to an Ocean

HIGHGROVE
That's really clever

OCEAN
I know , so then he's got a mammarygram thing on his phone, so he used it to change my surname as well. It used to be...

EVANS
Let me guess was it Jones?

OCEAN is visibly beyond impressed

OCEAN
Oh my god! You're better than my clairvoyant! That's was scary

HIGHGROVE
I think Onjes really suits you and it sounds really classy like someone out of Cosmo

OCEAN
I know and it dead easy to spell as well, it's all the same letters from my old name just in all different places

EVANS
(eye roll)
Getting back to you being murdered if we may? I don't think you should worry too much as I doubt the authorities would just let him fly out the country knowing what he's capable of

OCEAN
He landed 20 minutes ago that's why I'm here

EVANS
20 minutes ago!

OCEAN
Yeah, he text me to say that when he gets through immigration, he'll need me to pay his cab. The prison only gave him a travel warrant and $25 and he spent that on three Big Macs and a Coke!

HIGHGROVE
Three Big Macs?

OCEAN
Yeah, he loves them, that was going to be his last meal if he got executed, but with Mc Nuggets as well

EVANS
So he's got no money?

OCEAN
Just my luck that I marry a serial killer who's skint. And now he wants me to pay for all sorts because he thinks I'm dead rich

EVANS
Why does he think that?

OCEAN
(Sheepish)
My agent photoshopped pictures of me outside a big house with a swimming pool and in sports cars and all that because loads of other women were writing to him, and we needed him to pick me.

EVANS
So, you're worried that he's going to find out?

OCEAN
It won't take him long; I live in a maisonette with my mum. Oh my god my mum! She's going to love it when she finds out that there's a six foot seven American serial killer on the way over to strangle the pair of us

EVANS
No one will be strangling anyone. You say that he's got no money on him ? If that's the case immigration will contact, you to see if you can support him financially

OCEAN
(Genuine outrage)
Me support him? Are you joking? What with? I haven't had any work in nearly twelve months! I was on a pilot where we all helped to run a safari park. But one of the boys got s bit by a zebra, so they pulled it because of the insurance costs.

EVANS
That's actually good news. If we let immigration know he can't support himself and you can't either, that will be enough to have him turned back

OCEAN
Oh that would be great

EVANS indicates for HIGHGROVE to come with her as they exit the room Ocean is on her phone acting like its already over.

EVANS
This could take a while.

OCEAN
It's ok I've got my phone I'll be brilliant

EVANS and HIGHGROVE EXIT

OCEAN is busy typing on her phone

EVANS and HIGHGROVE ENTER

EVANS
Good news we were in time, he was turned around immigration for insufficient funds.

OCEAN
I know he texted me calling me all sorts and he said he wants the marriage annulled because it wasn't constipated

EVANS is genuinely sympathetic and concerned .

EVANS
I'm sorry it came to this Ocean. One things for certain this has to be a wake-up call. You need to start looking for more meaningful work. I know you must be upset but...

OCEAN
delighted
Upset are you kidding. When I texted my agent to tell him he said he' annulling it today on-line and it only costs seventy five quid. He said I can pay that back out of my fee

EVANS
Your fee?

OCEAN
Overjoyed
He's got me on a new show called 'Annulled in Aya Nappa, I fly out next week!
Evans face palms

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beaky

  • Saturday 18th September 2021, 5:48pm
  • Malaga and Brighton, United Kingdom
  • 2,961 posts

As good as ever, could easily be broadcast if you were well in...

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Sunday 19th September 2021, 7:56am
  • Everton, England
  • 3,577 posts

Thanks for the read mate . Sadly I doubt I will ever be 'Well in' as the likes of the BBC & C4 don't even talk or engage with anyone who doesn't own a production company.
The BBC writers room is only there to make them look like they to want to be in touch with real people, once a year and as for the rest they don't even bother to pretend .
Still when you're a writer you just keep writing in the hope that one day you could get discovered. The truth is that there's thousands like us and we can't give it up because to do that, we'd have to give up on ourselves at the same time.