British Comedy Guide

An Ocean Full of Spice Girls 6 - 14.9.21

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 6th September 2021, 11:36am [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 6,268 posts

F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to me for shingling. I shall PM myself with a subject for next wank. I shan't really. It's a joke. Meanwhilst...
Me - 3
Otterf**ked, Gappy, Crinkly - 1

Next natterjerk: Interview
Leg closed: 14.9.21
Runners are nowt...

Position Score Name
1 10 Lazzard
2 9 Otterfox, Crindy
3 7 Playfull
4 6 Gappy
5 3 Me
6 1 Teddy

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 6th September 2021, 5:44pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 6,268 posts

POLITICALLY INK CORRECT

OFFICE.
APPLICANT and SECRETARY.

SECRETARY Hello, Mr Applicant.

APPLICANT Hello, Mrs Secretary. Interesting parents we must've had...

SECRETARY Yerse, now before the final interview, we just have to fill out this Equal Opportunities form...

APPLICANT Sure, that's fine.

SECRETARY Sex? And don't say it.

APPLICANT (laughs) Male.

SECRETARY (writing) 'Sexist bastard...'

APPLICANT Pardon?

SECRETARY Nothing... Age?

APPLICANT Thirty-nine.

SECRETARY 'Middle-aged sexist bastard...' Ethnic origin?

APPLICANT Um - Caucasian, I suppose.

SECRETARY 'Overprivileged middle-aged sexist...'

APPLICANT Sorry, I don't think that's fair. I haven't had a particularly...

SECRETARY 'Unaware overprivileged middle-aged sexist bastard...' Sexual orientation?

APPLICANT Oh, definitely straight.

SECRETARY And what's wrong with being gay?

APPLICANT Nothing, I just happen to be...

SECRETARY Do you have any idea how hard it's been for our gay community? They've suffered centuries of prejudice, injustice and Village People remixes...

APPLICANT I know, just - not really my fault.

SECRETARY (stares at him) I'll let that go. Fascist... So, last chance. Sexual orientation?

APPLICANT Straight.

SECRETARY Do you want this job or not? Well, I'll put 'bi slash homophobic,' but no more help. Political beliefs?

APPLICANT Um - right of centre.

SECRETARY 'Nazi bi slash homophobic unaware...'

APPLICANT All right - left of centre?

SECRETARY 'Stalinist bi slash homophobic unaware...'

APPLICANT Um - liberal.

PAUSE.

SECRETARY 'Bi slash homophobic unaware blah blah blah...' Religion?

APPLICANT Um - lapsed Catholic.

SECRETARY 'Pedo in denial. We'll see...'

APPLICANT Right, that does it.

SECRETARY Nearly finished, and so are you... Favourite Spice Girl?

APPLICANT Oh, for f**k's... Baby Spice.

APPLICANT 'Told you so. Pedo homophobic slash bi unaware...'

APPLICANT Right, before I tell you to f**k off...

SECRETARY 'Misogynistic pedo homophobic slash bi unaware...'

APPLICANT Tell me the point of this Equal Opportunities form.

SECRETARY Duh! It's to destroy all the stereotypes. Mr Misogynistic pedo homophobic slash bi unaware overprivileged middle-aged sexist bastard applicant.

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gappy

  • Sunday 12th September 2021, 7:37pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,271 posts

1: So let's try something different. I'll say something, and you say the first word that comes into your head, OK?

2: You mean, like an interview?

1: Not really but for the purposes of this week's comp, then yes. So...carrot.

2: Cake.

1: Cream.

2: Cake.

1: Christmas.

2: Cake.

1: Right, could you stop saying cake?

2: Well, it is the first thing that comes into my head. They were all types of cake.

1: That's fair enough. I'll be a little more abstract. Marble.

2: Cake.

1: Velvet.

2: Cake.

1: Rock.

2: Cake.

1: OK, right, you're still saying cake.

2: You're still saying types of cake.

1: Fine, I'll be more abstract. Urinal

2: Cake.

1: The Mancunian municipal suburb of Eccles.

2: Cake.

1: OK...Plantagenet pretender to the throne, Lambert Simnel.

2: Cake.

1: You really have to stop saying cake!

2: Then you have to stop saying things that make me say cake!

1: Fine. I'll use verbs. Pound.

2: Cake.

1: Patter.

2: Cake.

1: Smother.

2: Err...cake.

1: This is no use if you keep saying cake! OK, I'm going to say something completely crazy, really turn this game upside-down.

2: Cake.

1: Upside-down wasn't one of them! Parking.

2: Cake.

1: No, not parkin! Parking, as in space.

2: Space?

1: Yes.

2: Cake!

1: Aaaargh! Soap sponge.

2: Cake.

1: How can soap sponge make you think of cake?

2: Soap cake and sponge cake.

1: That's insane. Look, the way it's supposed to work is like this - really short.

2: Cake!

1: No, short wasn't one! I'm looking for a quick turnover.

2: Ca-

1: Turnover wasn't a cake, just a word..thing. Look, with normal people it goes like this [DOING DIFFERENT VOICES] Caterpillar; butterfly,

2: Cake and cake.

1: No! Like, this: tea; cup.

2: Both cakes.

1: No listen, listen: Angel; fish.

2: Pair of cakes.

1: [GROAN OF FRUSTRATION] Princess; Leia

2: [BEAT] I mean, I sort of hate to point out that they're both types of cake.

1: They can't all be cake! They really can't all be cake!

2: I'm sorry, but they are all cake. All those words make me think of cake.

1: Fine. This experiment is over, and my conclusion is that you are obsessed with cake.

2: I'm obsessed with cake? You're obsessed with cake!

1: No, you're obsessed with cake because you keep saying cake!

2: No, you're obsessed with cake because you keep saying things to do with cake.

1: How can that be? I'm just saying the first words that come into my hea- Oh.

2: Yeah. I think you're cake mental.

1: Maybe I'm not cut out to be a psychiatrist.

2: Oh, never mind. I'm sure there other things you could do, Dr Kipling.

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playfull

  • Tuesday 14th September 2021, 12:01am [Edited]
  • Nottingham, England
  • 2,076 posts

TECHNICIAN: We have a partial link. He can hear you on the space station ok, but you can't hear him in the studio. And there is a twelve second delay. Do you want to continue?

INTERVIEWER: God, yes, it took me ages to get the ok to do this.

TECHNICIAN: Line open, give the test message please.

INTERVIEWER: Before we start the techies are saying could you turn the volume up at your end?

TECHNICIAN: We are live in Five, four, three, two, go.

INTERVIEWER: Good evening Tom thanks for doing this interview.

ASTRONAUT: Will do, and up yours too.

INTERVIEWER: I believe you have tried juggling in zero gravity?

ASTRONAUT: Good evening Dave, no problem, happy to talk to you. I hear we have a delay, I hope it doesn't cause too many problems.

INTERVIEWER: I read you had some trouble adjusting to the weightlessness?

ASTRONAUT: Yes, mean when one of my balls hit Yuri in the face and he confiscated it.

INTERVIEWER: How do you find the food pouches?

ASTRONAUT: Once you get over the vomiting it's ok.

INTERVIEWER: I understand the question you get asked the most is what happens to your stools?

ASTRONAUT: Thirty seconds in the microwave and they are really quite tasty.

INTERVIEWER: It must get hard to keep moral up what do you do for entertainment?

ASTRONAUT: We use a sort of vacuum cleaner attachment to hoover our stools as they come out..

INTERVIEWER: They are giving me a signal to wrap the interview up. That's a pity, Anyhow, It's a goodnight from me!

ASTRONAUT: And it's a good night from Him.

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Crindy

  • Tuesday 14th September 2021, 11:48am
  • England
  • 133 posts

INT. OFFICE INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY

A large interview room. Two smartly-dressed EXECUTIVES sit on one side of a table. On the other side sits SUSAN, the interviewee. Polite chuckles fill the air. Everything seems to be going well.

EXEC 1
Well, Susan, I don't normally say this directly to a candidate, but this has all gone really, really well.

EXEC 2
Absolutely. You are, as I believe the kids say: Nailing this interview.

SUSAN
Oh, that's so good to hear. I just feel like this role will be so perfect for me!

EXEC 1
Couldn't agree more. Just a couple more questions to get through. Standard stuff, y'know.

SUSAN
Yep. Gotcha.

Exec 2 checks their notes and continues.

EXEC 2
So, bit of a cliché, this one, but what's your biggest weakness?

SUSAN
Oh. Heh. I steal stuff.

The two execs pause in their tracks and look back at her, concerned.

EXEC 1
...Excuse me?

SUSAN
Yeah, y'know, nothing big. Just stuff. Like, from around the office.

EXEC 2
(chuckling with relief)
Right. Ok. Well, that's not great. But I guess we all do that from time to time. Paper clips, staples--

SUSAN
Laptops.

EXEC 1
Laptops?

SUSAN
Yeah. Laptops, printers, whatever I can fit in my car, really.

A long awkward silence. The Execs look even more concerned. Susan looks confused.

SUSAN (Cont'd)
See, I've got quite a big car--

EXEC 2
Susan, I mean--

EXEC 1
You really shouldn't be doing that.

SUSAN
Oh. Right. It's just, you said 'biggest weakness'?

EXEC 2
Tell you what. Do-over. We'll do a do-over.

SUSAN
Ah. Really?

EXEC 2
Yep. We'll just take a Mulligan. Forget all that. Off the record. Let's go through that question again.

SUSAN
Ok, right, can do!

More polite chuckles, everyone relaxes again.

EXEC 1
So, Susan, biggest weakness--

EXEC 2
Not the stealing thing.

EXEC 1
--Go.

SUSAN
(thoughtful)
Ok. Biggest weakness, biggest weakness...
(then)
Well, I suppose, there's the farting.

EXEC 1 / EXEC 2
The--? / I beg your pardon--?

SUSAN
Yep. I fart. Like, a lot. That's a weakness, right? I mean, my GP can't figure it out. He thinks it might be my diet. I've tried different medications, done all these breathing exercises, still just, y'know, rip them out. Can't stop myself--!

EXEC 2
No, no, this isn't what we want to hear--Do-over! Another do-over!

SUSAN
Oh. Really? I'm giving you some pretty good weaknesses here.

EXEC 1
Susan, this interview has been going so well. Let's just...try a different answer to this one. A better one.

EXEC 2
Please.

EXEC 1
Biggest weakness. But nothing illegal. Or...disgusting.

SUSAN
Nothing illegal?

EXEC 2
Please no.

SUSAN
So I guess a bit of light embezzling isn't what you're looking for--

EXEC 1
Nope! Don't want to hear--! Just something, y'know, minor. A simple weakness.

Susan considers this in silence for a few moments.

SUSAN
I suppose...I have trouble letting things go.

The Execs glance at each other and breathe out, relieved.

EXEC 1
Ok. Perfect. So, like, you don't like delegating work? You need to stay involved in projects.

SUSAN
Yeah, sort of. Like, at my last job, I had a...thing with this sales rep. Pretty intense. Ended kinda badly, so I installed this little tracking program on his phone and followed him to the gym every morning to--

EXEC 2
Sorry, wait, so when you said you had trouble letting things go, you meant stalking? That's just stalking.

SUSAN
That still not what you're after?

EXEC 1
Obviously not!

EXEC 2
(deep sigh, then)
Look, Susan, we really want to offer you the position. Your CV is so strong, you're the best candidate by far, but...these answers.

SUSAN
I'm just trying to be honest.
(then, realising)
Oh, wait, there we go. I'm too honest!

EXEC 2
Ah, yep, that'll do--

SUSAN
Yep. Huge weakness. Like, when I was at university, I set up all these fake social media accounts, and then sent all these obscene messages to my friends telling them--

EXEC 1 / EXEC 2
Nope. / Exactly the same problem.

EXEC 1
Nothing illegal, nothing disgusting, no psychological torture or abusive trolling. Just...biggest weakness. Go.

A long pause. Susan wracks her brain. Then a lightbulb goes off. The Execs lean forward, hopefully.

SUSAN
(proudly)
Well, I guess, sometimes...I work too hard!

EXEC 1
Ok, get out.

The exec points to the door. Susan stands and exits. Moments later, both Execs recoil in disgust.

EXEC 2
Oh, god!

EXEC 1
She wasn't wrong about her diet!

THE END

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Otterfox

  • Tuesday 14th September 2021, 9:59pm
  • Tipperary, Ireland
  • 1,067 posts

INT. INTERVIEW ROOM IN POLICE STATION. OFFICER DENSMORE IS QUESTIONING A GIRL OF ABOUT TWELVE NAMED JULIE. HE IS ALSO THE POLICE ARTIST.

DENSMORE:
Can you tell me who threw your lambs away?

JULIE:
UPSET) I think he-he was a man. He was tall. He came into the field, caught fluffy and duffy by the legs, flung them into the horizon and ran out of the field. (weeps).

DENSMORE:
Did you get a good look at him?

JULIE:
He was tall and had a (cries) huh - mruh huh gru haah)

DENSMORE:
I'm sorry, what was that?

JULIE:
I didn't say anything, that was just cry.

DENSMORE:
I see. So what did he look like?

JULIE:
Well his ears were big, very realistic. He had short hair which was gone. He wore a coat that seemed invisible. His eyes were going the wrong way...vertical.

DENSMORE:
Did he have any other distinguishing markings? Glasses, a moustache?

JULIE:
Oh his glasses, they were gone. He didn't have a moustache, it was gone, but he had a small moustache over each eye and his mouth, his mouth..

DENSMORE:
Was gone?

JULIE:
Yes, it was gone.

DENSMORE LOOKS AT THE CRAZY PITCURE HE HAS SKETCHED AND WINCES.

DENSMORE:
Julie, remember I told you at the start to be honest with me?

JULIE:
No.

DENSMORE:
Well I meant to. I want you to be honest with me now and tell me exactly what you saw. It is very important that we catch this person. People can't just go around throwing lambs away. We will only catch him if you tell the truth.

JULIE:
It's just that when I watch cop shows they never tell the truth and the bad guy always gets caught.

DENSMORE:
But this isn't a cop show Julie, this is a sketch.

JULIE:
Okay then. He had short brown hair, he had stubble and looked to be in his late 30's.

WE SEE VARIOUS CLIPS OF JULIE DESCRIBING THE MAN TO DENSMORE AND HE CONTINUES DRAWING.

DENSMORE:
Great Julie that's more like it.

THROUGH DENSMORES LINE OF VISION WE SEE THE PICTURE AND IT LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE DENSMORE HIMSELF. HE WINCES AGAIN.

HE WALKS OUT INTO THE MAIN OFFICE.

DENSMORE:
Alright people we're looking for a man. He's got no mouth, his eyes are vertical, realistic ears....

HE POSTS THE STRANGE PICTURE OF THE MAN HE HAS DRAWN ON THE NOTICE BOARD.

END.

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Crindy

  • Wednesday 15th September 2021, 8:36am
  • England
  • 133 posts

All great this week! :) Michael once again taught me some new phrases I probably can't use in polite conversation. Really liked playfull's *ahem* homage, but while I thought the actual setup was better than the original sketch, it's probably a bit too close to the source material. gappy's made me hungry, not to mention regret quitting dairy and refined sugar, and felt like it would be the most fun to hear performed.

But I'll also vote Otterfox. Lots of funny lines, and the strongest punchline. :)

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gappy

  • Wednesday 15th September 2021, 10:25am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,271 posts

I'm Michaeling for the second week (am I ill?), I just found some of the lines funny, even though I'm not 100% sure I agree with the satiric thrust.

The others are all good. Crindy and Playfull both produced very strong sketches, pipped from the prize because I felt the central jokes were familiar to me from elsewhere (and, in Playfull's case, a very specific source though I really liked the acknowledgement in the last lines), whilst Otterfox was as gloriously bonkers as ever, and certainly has a style all of their own.

In short, another great week.

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Otterfox

  • Wednesday 15th September 2021, 10:37am [Edited]
  • Tipperary, Ireland
  • 1,067 posts

It's the monastery or Monkhouse for me this week. Well crafted sketch with more than a grain of truth to it.

I honestly liked them all. Gappys was one of those great list sketches that was brilliantly crafted as usual. The delay in space sketch was also lovely. Hard to pick a winner but Mikey Monkhouse pips it.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 15th September 2021, 12:40pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 6,268 posts
Quote: gappy @ 15th September 2021, 10:25 AM

I'm Michaeling for the second week (am I ill?), I just found some of the lines funny, even though I'm not 100% sure I agree with the satiric thrust.

That's cool, not agreeing with something but still finding it funny. Rare. I actually pissed myself over Andrew Dice Clay's gay routine and I couldn't agree less with it. I think I partly admire the balls (don't say it).
Yes, great week.

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playfull

  • Friday 17th September 2021, 12:05am
  • Nottingham, England
  • 2,076 posts

Agree about it being a strong week - i go gappy, nice punchline.