British Comedy Guide

Simple Summer Fun

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Friday 18th June 2021, 1:34pm [Edited]
  • Everton, England
  • 3,546 posts

Torquay harbour on a lovely sunny day

Tourists are everywhere .

A teenager is standing by sign that reads:
'Instant revenge £20'
By his feet is a drone that has a taser gun duct taped to it.

A man with an empty bun in his hand strides up and hurriedly hands over a £20 note.
He then points to a seagull on a roof that is eating a hot dog.

The teenager sets the drone off and flies it right at the seagull and tasers it. There is a mass of feathers.

The customer smiles with satisfaction. As he does so another potential customer pushes past him. This one is carrying an empty ice cream cone and a £20 note.

The teenager grins.

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Lazzard

  • Saturday 19th June 2021, 1:13pm
  • Ludlow, England
  • 5,462 posts

Wondering, does it need the ''revenge' sign?
If it was a kid selling 'goes' on his drone for £20 and, after you'd seen bloke attacking the hot dog seagull, you saw there was a queue of people who had been variously abused by seagulls... empty ice cream cone, birdshit on Kiss-me-quick hat, kid with bust up kite, bloke with bandage over one eye...?
Funny visual idea, though.
Like it.

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Saturday 19th June 2021, 1:34pm [Edited]
  • Everton, England
  • 3,546 posts

Yeah the concepts good and I think the use of the word revenge was a short cut that doesn't work or it needs one that works better.

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gappy

  • Saturday 19th June 2021, 3:13pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,234 posts

Really like this one, Teddy, very simple, but I could imagine it as a quickie on Not The 9.00 News or Alas Smith & Jones (or even Russ Abbott's Madhouse).

I like using "revenge" on the sign. My logic is that actually filming the seagull attack would be complex (PETA concerns aside),and possibly funnier offscreen anyway, so it would help explain what was happening. So something like

A teenager is standing on a pier or seafront by sign that reads:
'Instant revenge £20'
Ona trestle table is a military-looking drone.

A man with an empty bun in his hand strides up and hurriedly hands over a £20 note. The drone rises up out of shot. A beat later, there's a squawk off and seagull feathers cascade into shot. The man grins and exits.

Pan out to show a short queue of people, one holding an empty ice cream cone, one a limp bag of chips, etc etc.

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Lazzard

  • Saturday 19th June 2021, 3:20pm
  • Ludlow, England
  • 5,462 posts

Squawk off-screen is good.

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Saturday 19th June 2021, 4:53pm [Edited]
  • Everton, England
  • 3,546 posts

I'm all over squawks as you get plenty of bang for your buck :P Gappy thanks for the read of it, your one works better but I love the premise so either way makes me smile.