British Comedy Guide

An apple every 12 hours

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Wednesday 9th June 2021, 10:50am [Edited]
  • Everton, England
  • 3,466 posts

Apple Inc HQ New York

The main boss is sat at the head of a long table full of lackeys she is looking at her Apple watch and is clearly pissed off.

BOSS
What the f**ks going on people, we haven't brought out a highly expensive product in more than 15 hours?

All the LACKYS s mumble then one puts his hand up.

BOSS
Talk to me!
LACKY
We did plan on bringing the Nadir out two hours ago , we just hit a few problems .

BOSS
The Nadir?

LACKY
It means the darkest part of a shadow?

BOSS
I know what it f**king means , what I want to know is what it does? And more importantly why it's not f**king doing it?

LACKY
It's an attachment that goes around the sides of our Iphone so that you can flick them up and it casts a shadow across the screen making it dark on a sunny day so that you can use them outside in the sun.

BOSS
That sounds promising

LACKYS POSITIVE MUMBLING

"That's a real thing"

"You really can't see your phone in the sun"

"Its ground-breaking"

BOSS
Alright shut up you lot, now you continue

LACKY
We did plan on rushing it through for the UK first as they only get 19 sunny a days a year and they've just had 3 of those on the spin. We had Amanda Holden and someone who used to be called Purdey lined up for the adverts and everything

LACKYS POSTIVE MUMBLING

"I've heard of Purdey I also watch Dr Who on PBS"

"I love Dr Who and Monty Python my wife thinks I'm whacky"

"Is it too late to reach out to Dame Helen Mirren and really push it?"

BOSS
Push what you imbeciles? You just heard this dickhead tell you its not ready, what we need to know is why it's not f**king ready.

LACKYS NEGATIVE MUMBLING
"Its already behind, this is a disaster"

"I don't even know what it is? But I had my doubts from the get go."

"We're behind the curve that's for sure"

The BOSS has her head in her hands and speaks through them.

BOSS
Is this what it feels like when a company flat lines. Well, is it!?

She then stands up and starts questioning the main LACKY again.

BOSS
Ok why isn't it ready

LACKY
Our three main Chinese factories have Covid issues

BOSS
So I suppose out Indian ones are no better?

LACKY
No but we did have a promising looking one in Singapore, They seem to have Covid under control and they are very industrious.

LACKYS POSITIVE MUMBLING
"I've been there they really know how to work"

"The whole place is like Fraggle Rock, they all wear hard hats and everyone's busy 24/7

BOSS
So why aren't we making them there right now before the sun goes away?

LACKY
There's also a design issue

BOSS
Which is?

LACKY
Our three main designers escaped from our Chinese factory. They told their handlers that they were making a fifty foot kite that could carry wifi 200 miles out to sea But the used it to fly out of the factory

LACK NEGATIVE MUMBLING

"That's not good"

"What if they go over to Microsoft"

"That factory's a joke, who leaves the main 3 people together its begging for trouble"

BOSS
So basically, we're f**ked?

Another LACKY then tentatively raises their hand and the BOSS nods for them to speak,

LACKY 2
We do have the Apperella as back up

BOSS
What the f**k is the Apperella?

The LACKY then rather sheepishly opens up a green apple shaped umbrella .

LACKY 2
This makes a shadow and its shaped like our logo and the factory in Madagascar can punch out three million units a day

BOSS
Its just an umbrella

LACKYS NEGATIVE MUMBLING

"This guys toast"

"Isn't Madagascar all Jungle , it is in the movie?"

"I wouldn't buy one and I work here"

The LACKY is standing there holding out the umbrella looking like a fool as he tries to defend his product idea.

LACKY 2
You can also use it in winter to make 'Dry Calls' and the plastic its made of is biodegradable after only 500 years .

The BOSS then clicks her fingers and smiles.

BOSS
We can call it 'Dolphin Friendly Plastic', All we do is get each customer to sign an E Contract to swear they will never let it be recycled irresponsibly .

LACKY 2 is inspired.

LACKY 2
We could also fit wifi in the handle and make pink ones with an in built personal alarm

BOSS
Yes we could yes we really could

LACKYS POSITIVE MUMBLES
"This is off the chart'

"Helps Dolphins and hinders muggers , what more do they want?"

"I know I'd buy it and despite the fact I work here I wouldn't even apply for staff discount"

BOSS
Ok that's it its settled, we stick with the Brits for the UK market but I say we go with Jaycee and Beyoncee for the main push. Perhaps they could even sing together? You know Jaycee rapping about the wifi while she harmonises about the Dolphins. Yes we have a winner , contact Madagascar and give them the green light and we'll all meet back here in three hours to start working on our next product.

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john tregorran

  • Thursday 10th June 2021, 9:11pm
  • mornington,victoria, Australia
  • 1,993 posts

Very good.It would have to be Rhianna though.

".......Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can phone under my Apperella......"