British Comedy Guide

SAGA LOUTS

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Tuesday 8th June 2021, 11:55pm [Edited]
  • Everton, England
  • 3,469 posts

SAGA LOUTS
A lovely summers day at a small garden centre & café on a lovely winding country road in Dorset.

The owner BIG EDDY is showing the new lad GORDON how to pot plants when LITTLE EDDY runs in shouting with delight.

LITTLE EDDY
Dad, dad there's two full SAGA coaches pulling in!

GORDON is clearly alarmed.

GORDON
Be careful we always had them at my last place. They never buy anything they just take clippings. If you catch them, they just act stupid so that the police won't touch them!

BIG EDDY is rubbing his hands as he speaks.

BIG EDDY
That's why you're last place shut down son You have to know you're onions in this game.

BIG EDDY then nods to ITTLE EDDY who gets a step ladder and takes down a box marked SAGA LOUTS from an overhead shelf.

LITTLE EDDY
Me and Gordon can do the signs dad and you do the menu.

BIG EDDY goes into the café. There is a large blackboard with the heading KARMA CAFÉ under that is a chalk written menu. BIG EDDY wipes off all the prices on the menu and puts new ones up.

Outside LITTLE EDDY is showing GORDON where to put signs .

The two coaches pull in and about 120 pensioners head straight into the Garden Centre and start clipping away like termites convinced that nobody can see them. They avoid the café and shop like the plague.

GORDON is livid.

GORDON
You can't let them do that Eddy that's stealing that is!

BIG EDDY
Its ok I can still sell the plants

GORDON
That's not the point they need to be taught a lesson.

BIG EDDY
Oh that comes in about ten minutes

BIG EDDY then nods to LITTLE EDDY who runs in a crouch over to the coaches.

The SAGA LOUTS then leave waving to BIG EDDY as they do so. like butter wouldn't melt in their mouths.

As the last one goes BIG EDDY springs into action ordering GORDON around.

BIG EDDY
Get the tea urn and the boiler going and the percolators please mate.!

GORDON has no idea what's going on? So, he just follows the task.

LITTLE EDDY then smiles as he brings out three large trays of little cactus all marked £4 he puts them by the till.

The next minute the SAGA LOUTS are back having been told by their drivers that their coaches have broken down and they may have to wait up to four hours for the company mechanics and tow trucks to turn up.

Half the SAGA Louts troop into the café and start moaning.

LOUTS VARIOUS
"Look at the prices the robbing swines!"

"£4 for a cup of bloody tea, I'd rather have one out my flask"

"So would I "

One LOUT then shouts out to the whole room.

LOUT
Look at that!

The LOUT points to a sign that reads:

NO FOOD OR DRINK OTHER THAN ITEMS BOUGHT ON THESE PREMISES MAY BE CONSUMED.

At this point all the LOUTS start grumbling as they put their sandwiches and flasks back in their bags.

In the shop a long line of LOUTS has formed by the toilets after being told that they can't use the coach one while its stationary .

Above the toilet door is the sign TOILETS FOR PAYING CUSTOMERS ONLY and everyone in the queue is holding a small cactus with a £4 price tag.
LOUTS VARIOUS
"It's the only thing they have under five quid and I needed the loo
"It's two bobs worth at best, I had to get one I wouldn't mind I've been constipated all week and now it shifts and I have to fork out four quid
"I wouldn't give one and six for it round our way the robbing bastards"

GORDON smiles as he speaks to BIG EDDY

GORDON
The cafes full and the shops sold out of cactus and all that's left is over 5 quid if they want the toilet now . What a stroke of luck that was both those coaches breaking down!

BIG EDDY
I wouldn't go that far, be a good lad and go and take the spuds out the coaches exhaust pipes would you please we need this lot out the way as there will be another load in an hour or so. So I need to get the urns refilled and the tables wiped down.

GORDON
I'm going to love it here !

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john tregorran

  • Wednesday 9th June 2021, 4:54am
  • mornington,victoria, Australia
  • 1,993 posts

That's my favourite so far.I could see Arkwight and Granville doing that sort of thing.

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Wednesday 9th June 2021, 7:11am [Edited]
  • Everton, England
  • 3,469 posts

Thanks for the read of it mate and I'm glad you liked it . I do seem to be on a criminal /con streak so I'll have to give my head a wobble and go in a new direction to freshen them up.

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Lazzard

  • Wednesday 9th June 2021, 10:01am
  • Ludlow, England
  • 5,247 posts

Less a sketch and more a sequence from a comedy film.
Could be funny, though
I could imagine it as a silent, too.
If you're up for a bit of fun/ experiment, I'd go over it and see how much dialogue you can cut - tell the story mainly through the action.

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beaky

  • Wednesday 9th June 2021, 10:12am
  • Malaga and Brighton, United Kingdom
  • 2,772 posts

I always enjoy Teddy's writing, but agree that it needs pruning here. No need to talk about the potatoes in the exhaust pipes, just see him taking them out.

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Wednesday 9th June 2021, 10:33am
  • Everton, England
  • 3,469 posts

Thanks for the advice chaps as I know its solid. These are just throwaways I write to keep my chin up. If someone showed an interest in anything I write I would prune and prune all day.
But I've had a few people ask me to do just that and I really pushed myself and was delighted with the outcome. Sadly it was to no avail so despite myself I still just punch these out to keep my head in the game at least.
But as I said I can see the advice would be of great use and I'm grateful for that and the read of it.

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Wednesday 9th June 2021, 10:55am
  • Everton, England
  • 3,469 posts

Lazzard I came on in truth to post one I thought of this morning and I wrote i in my break its about Apple. Anyway I gave it some thought and rather than write a new one I will follow yours and Beakys advice and prune the garden centre one (pardon the pun) I'll put my Harold Lloyd head on and make it a silent sketch.

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Lazzard

  • Wednesday 9th June 2021, 11:48am [Edited]
  • Ludlow, England
  • 5,247 posts
Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ 9th June 2021, 10:55 AM

Lazzard I came on in truth to post one I thought of this morning and I wrote i in my break its about Apple. Anyway I gave it some thought and rather than write a new one I will follow yours and Beakys advice and prune the garden centre one (pardon the pun) I'll put my Harold Lloyd head on and make it a silent sketch.

Writing is re-writing, as the old cliche goes.
Moving on without finessing is a bit like selling a car because the ashtrays are full.
Well done for continuing to do your bit to breathe life into the writers basement.
I shall try to do similar.
Think of it as our slightly left-of-centre, creative safe space Laughing out loud

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Wednesday 9th June 2021, 1:16pm
  • Everton, England
  • 3,469 posts

Works for me mate and be they left right or centre I hope a few more start showing what they can do. This site would do well to turn its face from what we don't agree on to what we do and thats comedy. Either creating it or just enjoying their attempts at it, it has to better than the pettiness that I myself was guilty of getting dragged into .

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beaky

  • Thursday 10th June 2021, 4:47pm
  • Malaga and Brighton, United Kingdom
  • 2,772 posts

Well said, Teddy.