British Comedy Guide

Spice Rebellion off Madison 9 - 17.5.21

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 9th May 2021, 9:50am [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,914 posts

F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwh for shingling. Your prize is to have won so PM me with a new slut please. Meanwhilst...
Gappy 3
Otterf**ked 2
Spunkhouse, Firkin 1

Next natterjerk: TRIAL (chosen by wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwh)
Leg closed: 17.5.21
Runners are nowt...

Position Score Name
1 9 Otterfox
2 7 Gappy
3 4 Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwh, Playfull
4 2 Firkin
5 1 Monkers

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Alfred J Kipper

  • Sunday 9th May 2021, 11:53am
  • Aldershot, England
  • 6,571 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 9th May 2021, 9:50 AM

Spunkhouse, Firkin 1

Playfull got a vote.

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gappy

  • Tuesday 11th May 2021, 4:37pm [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,192 posts

1: You know how Hamlet wants to avenge Hamlet in Hamlet?

2: Yeah.

1: Right, so-

2: Sorry, I said "yeah" but I meant to say "those words make no sense". Panicked a bit.

1: Alright. So, in Hamlet the play, Hamlet the prince wants to avenge Hamlet the king.

2: Oh, yeah?

1: So, at the start, Hamlet's dead.

2: Woah, leftfield, the hero's dead! That would make for a play chock-full of frustrating inaction!

1: No, Hamlet the king, not Hamlet the prince.

2: Oh, yeah, course.

1: So Hamlet is walking round.

2: Hamlet the prince, yeah? Because Hamlet the king is dead.

1: You got it. Then Hamlet says, "Oh, I'm dead".

2: What does he say that for?

1: Because he's dead.

2: Who is? Hamlet the prince?

1: Hamlet the king.

2: But how can he say it? He's dead

1: He's a ghost.

2: Alright. His story checks out, then.

1: Yep. So Hamlet says to Hamlet -

2: Live prince to spectral king?

1: Vice versa. Hamlet says to Hamlet, "Hamlet, I'm dead, avenge me", and Hamlet says, OK Hamlet, I will.

2: And then he does. Cool story, bro.

1: No, well not exactly. Hamlet points out that he was murdered by Claudius.

2: Is Claudius a ghost too?

1: No. He's Hamlet's brother.

2: Wow, Hamlet was killed by his son!

1: No, Hamlet was killed by his brother. Hamlet's uncle.

2: Live Hamlet's uncle was killed by dead Hamlet's brother?

1: Yes...although dead Hamlet was live Hamlet then, otherwise he couldn't have been killed.

2: Fine. So, then Hamlet minor avenges Hamlet major, but with, like, extra family awkwardness? Cool story, bro.

1: Sort of. I mean, it's already awkward, because Claudius has married Hamlet's mother brackets other Hamlet's wife close brackets so now he's basically Hamlet's father too.

2: Outrageous! And I suppose the people of Denmark wanted to oust this imposter?

1: They're surprisingly quiet on the issue, actually. I guess, to them, Claudius as king was pretty indistinguishable from Hamlet as king: same surname, same beard, same wife, same Norway-baiting foreign policy.

2: Same shit, different Dane.

1: Yeah. Anyway, Hamlet father (actual) tells Hamlet son how Claudius father (step) killed him (him being Hamlet, brother or father or regnal corpse), which he did by pouring poison in his ear.

2: That is definitely in the top 14 ways of getting poison into somebody.

1: I know, pretty foolproof method. So Hamlet the son/the prince/the alive one/the play's hero decides to make Claudius the uncle/the brother/the poisoner/the play's villain sort of but it doesn't exactly have one, admit that he'd done it. And he goes about achieving this by showing him a play.

2: Does that work?

1: It always does, yes. It's like a trial, but quicker, cheaper, and far more reliable. Whenever someone sees something in a play that they've done in real life, they jump up and run out of the room. It's like when I suspected my uncle of killing my father.

2: You never mentioned that.

1: I must have - when my uncle killed my father? Well, he did. And when we suspected it, we saw a play about a man killing his brother -

2: Was it Hamlet?

1: Ha! No, that would have been funny. The sort of funny thing that might happen in a funny sketch. No it was a different play called The Murder of Gonzago. Not that great as a play. To be honest, there was a mix-up, we thought we were going to see The Mousetrap. Anyway, when it came to the bit where the brother stroke uncle killed the brother stroke father my uncle stroke father's brother got up and ran out the room, so we knew he'd done it.

2: Cool.

1: I mean, also, he'd confessed just before we went into the play, so we had a strong inkling. In retrospect we shouldn't have gone to the theatre at all, we should have gone to the police.

2: Do you think that avoiding the police was possibly another reason your uncle ran out?

1: Yes, I do a bit. He knew he'd get away, because we were too embarrassed about getting up in the middle of a play to follow him.

2: Christ, no, that would be mortifying.

1: Also he'd been unwrapping Toffos really loud, so we were kind of glad he was no longer spoiling The Murder of Gonzago.

2: And what happened next?

1: Gonzago got murdered, then it pretty much ended. Like I say, rubbish play. Really short.

2: Right. So, the rule is, see something you've done in a play, jump up and run out of the room?

1: That's the exact rule. So, when I went to see Hamlet (play) and saw Hamlet (prince) show the death of Hamlet (king) to Claudius (various relationships) I thought, that's what I did!

2: Then what happened?

1: I jumped and ran out of the room!

2: Course you did.

1: Inevitable. Left all my Toffos on the seat too, just to top it all off. So I don't actually know how Hamlet ends.

2: Oh, I'm sure they all work something out and live happily ever after.

1: Yeah, probably.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 17th May 2021, 10:32am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,914 posts

SEX FACTOR

by Michael Monkhouse

BED. COUPLE shagging, climax...

Pause.

SIMON COWELL (emerges) So, Ms Monroe...

MARILYN MONROE (emerges) Yes, Sir Cowell?

SI How do you think it went?

MARILYN Okay.

SI I can honestly say it was the worst bump fuzzie I ever had.

MARILYN But...

SI Every part of the how's-yer-father was horrific: the canoodle, the hot beef injection, the skizzin hizzit, the vinegar stroke... You look like a cross between Rowan Atkinson and another Rowan Atkinson, you talk like Victoria Beckham on valium in Stoke, you get stankie on the hang down like a gnu... I've no idea why I came at all... Alesha?

ALESHA DIXON (emerges) I agree with you, lovely Simon.

SI Amanda?

AMANDA HOLDEN (emerges) I agree with you, lovely Simon.

SI David?

DAVID WALLIAMS (emerges) She was phwoarsome.

SI Shut up... I'm sorry Marilyn, it's three blows, I mean three no's.

Marilyn leaves to a canned AAAAAAAAHHHHH.

SI God, I love you. (starts snogging David)

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Otterfox

  • Monday 17th May 2021, 4:08pm [Edited]
  • Tipperary, Ireland
  • 1,054 posts

FREEDOM AND WEEP.

70'S TALK SHOW.

HOST (BILL):
Welcome, welcome, welcome and what a star-studded lineup we have for you tonight. But first, here to talk to us about his new tv show 'Freedom and Weep', it's Jeff Franklin.

JEFF SITS.

BILL:
It's a slight pleasure Jeff.

JEFF:
Of course it is and it's probably a lot more than that if you're honest, for you are talking to the star of the next number one tv show.

BILL:
Now this show Freedom and Weep has been getting great reviews...somewhere...I'd say, what can you tell us about it?

JEFF:
Bill, this is like nothing you've seen before. I play Burt Freedom who, along with his detective partner Charlie Weep...

HOST:
Played by Ted Rosegarden.

JEFF:
Played by Ted, correct. So, I'm a pair of maverick detectives and he's there too. We're tasked with monitoring the behaviour of recently released prisoners and ensuring that they don't reoffend. If they do, they will feel the wrath of Freedom and Weep and find themselves behind bars, bypassing the trial where possible.

BILL:
Hmm...boring enough so far.

JEFF:
I'll let you in on a little secret; it's not.

BILL:
If I'm right, that's a fairly run-of-the-mill cop show.

JEFF:
You are right in that you're wrong. Let's see what you make of this - the real secret weapon of the show is my secret weapon. I can run at ten times the speed of time.

BILL:
Ten times the speed of time? So you can run into the future. It's a Sci-fi show?

JEFF:
No, ten times faster than the average thief - ten times his time - really fast, which I can practically do anyway.

BILL:
And that's the show is it? You running really fast after criminals?

JEFF:
Quite a large proportion, yeah.

BILL:
And is there any truth to the rumour that you insisted on having all the scenes shot in close up and from underneath to make you look more powerful?

JEFF:
There is a lot of truth to that, yes as it makes me look brilliant.

BILL:
It seems to me that this show is little more than one long ego trip. What does the other character do, look on and admire you?

JEFF:
Yes, but there is also a second secret weapon and that is that Charlie Weep sometimes is so moved by what I'm doing that he cries in awe but his tears can also turn to bullets depending on weather conditions. Obviously if it's too hot the tears evaporate and if it's too cold they freeze. Little know fact - Charlie Weeps name is a triple entendre. How many shows have that!?

BILL:
I don't think triple entendre is the right word here.

JEFF:
I know what you're thinking - triple entendre isn't the right word.

BILL:
No, I actually just said that - out loud.

JEFF:
You think that it's just double but here's where you're wrong and I'm right... Oneble Entendre is that Freedom and Weep is a play upon 'read them and weep.' The double comes in as weep is actually Charlie's last name and the treble is that he cries a lot.

BILL:
It's actually called a polysemy.

JEFF:
Wrong again, it's actually called Freedom and Weep. Watch it and I defy any woman not to want me and be me and any man not to want to be me...and want me.

BILL:
Fantastic. Let's move on rapidly. Tell me a bit about you personally. You're a relatively well-off man. Is there any causes you're passionate about? Any change you'd like to see in the world?

JEFF:
Yes, I believe all political leaders should be gathered up and stand trial for crimes against humanity. They should be held accountable for their treatment of the downtrodden and the weak. There is a gaping chasm of injustice in this world. It is on each and every one of us brilliant actors to help redress this terrible imbalance.

BILL:
I stand corrected. Perhaps I had you pegged wrong along. So you'd like to rid the world of injustice?

JEFF:
I'd LOVE to change the world but I don't really want to.

BILL:
Just as I thought.

JEFF:
Look at how fast I am...

JEFF HOPS UP OFF HIS CHAIR AND STARTS SPRINTING AROUND THE STUDIO.

END.

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Firkin

  • Monday 17th May 2021, 5:55pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 1,161 posts

ON THE SET OF JUDGE JUDY.

SHERIFF: All parties have been sworn in, Smith versus Carackasse.

JUDGE: [COMPASSIONATELY] Mr Smith if I understand you correctly, you went to deliver pizza to the Carackasse's home, a Doberman bit your ankle and you want to claim the medical bills, is that right Sir ?

SMITH: Yes Sir, I mean Judy, Errr Judge, Sir.

JUDGE: Stop the camera's ! [THE JUDGE FLIPS FROM COMPASSION TO ANGER EACH TIME
THE CAMERAS ARE OFF] Sheriff Bryd would you mind slapping the plaintive please ? [SMITH IS SLAPPED ]. It's Yes Marm, Mr Smith. I've won three Emmys, show some respect ! Camera's on. Look at me when you're talking Mr Smith !

SMITH: I've got a lazy eye Marm.

JUDGE: Baloney, stand up straight !

SMITH: Yes Marm.

JUDGE: Did I ask you to speak ? I was voted America's most trusted celebrity. Stop the cameras. Byrd punch him ! [HE'S PUNCHED] Cameras on. Mr Smith you're still swaying, have you been drinking Sir ?

SMITH: No.

JUDGE: No Marm !

SMITH: Yes Marm, I mean No Marm. Please don't hit me.

JUDGE: Why would anyone hit you ? Now you're just inventing things, I wonder if this "Doberman" is an invention ?

SMITH: I've got the medical report and photos of the bite.

JUDGE: Show them to me. [WE SEE PICTURES OF THE BITE]. Now Mrs Carackasse let's have your version of events, do you own a Doberman dog ?

C: Yes, you know I do.

JUDGE: Stop the cameras ! Look Mrs Carackasse, I'm trying to help you out here, if you say you have a dog that implicates you, do you see where I'm coming from ? Let's try that again. Cameras on.

C: No Dog. But we do have a Doberman sized black English Butler.

JUDGE: Ah, yes, those crooked teeth marks look English alright. Also wasn't Snake on the Simpsons English ? Do you see where I'm going with this Mr Smith ? Have you heard the term "The butler did it" ?

SMITH: Why would a butler bite me ?

JUDGE: We've already established he's English. Also you've got a lazy eye, you can't convince me that you can tell the difference between a man sized black Doberman and a man sized black English butler. That's not happening, all right !

SMITH: I took pictures of the dog.

JUDGE: Stop the Cameras ! Bryn would you mind water boarding Mr Smith [SMITH IS WATER BOARDED]. You see Bryn , they all think they can get one past me, but they never do.

SHERIFF: He's passed out Marm !

JUDGE: Perfect, prop him up. Cameras ! So Mr Smith you've agreed the butler did it. I understand it's worrying being bitten by a foreigner but his jabs were up to date, so no harm. [MR SMITH FALLS OVER] Ah you said earlier Mr Smith that you hadn't been drinking, do you see ? I can tell these things. The plaintiff's case is dismissed.

MR SMITH: [PULLING HIMSELF UP] I'm going to the police. [JUDGE JUDY SHOOTS HIM]

SHERIFF: I'm sorry Marm but you've gone too far this time.

JUDGE: Why ?

SHERIFF: Because this is just the rehearsal !

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wwwwwh

  • Monday 17th May 2021, 11:23pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 50 posts

JUDGE: All rise! Mr Giles Waltz! You stand accused of murder. How do you plead?

GILES: Not guilty!

DEFENSE: Your honour, defense is prepared to plead guilty to the lesser crime of bestiality.

GILES: Hey!

JUDGE: Hmm. That is kind of irregular, but I suppose it is technically a lesser crime. Prosecution, do you accept?

PROSECUTION: Prosecution rejects the offer. However we now wish to proceed on a revised charge sheet of murder - and also bestiality.

DEFENSE: Damn it!

JUDGE: Proceed.

PROSECUTION: My lord, in accordance with literary trope 118d, the prosecution case will be made by establishing motive, means and opportunity. First the motive - the victim was Mr Waltz's boss. I mean, everyone wants to kill their boss. That's just human nature. Then the means. There are, like, literally loads of ways of killing someone. Shooting, hitting, poisoning... he could have done any of them. And finally: opportunity to kill his boss. Any time within office hours.

JUDGE: Well that seems comprehensive. Good work. Shall we bang him up then?

DEFENSE: Wait! Defense would like to call... Miss Tracey Tango.

GILES: Gasp!

DEFENSE: Miss Tango. Is it true that you are Mr Waltz's boss?

TRACEY: I am indeed.

DEFENSE: And are you - take as long as you like, Miss Tango - are you alive?

TRACEY: You know what? I think I might just be.

DEFENSE: You do seem quite alive, what with being here, and being able to talk and everything. Is there anything you could do to maybe dispel any lingering doubt on the matter? Perhaps you could, I don't know, tap your feet? Give us a little shimmy, maybe?

JUDGE: You've made your point, counsel!

TRACEY: You know I think I just might...

[FX: TAP TAP TAP]

DEFENSE: You're a natural!

[FX: GAVEL]

JUDGE: Case dismissed! You are free to go Mr Waltz.

GILES: I'm so happy I could dance!

[GRAMS: BANANARAMA - LOVE IN THE FIRST DEGREE (fades out)]

MAUREEN: What are you watching?

JOSEPH: Oh, it's just Strictly.

MAUREEN: Do you not think those dances are getting just a little too elaborate...

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playfull

  • Monday 17th May 2021, 11:44pm [Edited]
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,989 posts

A DARK AND DUSTY ROOM BENEATH A LOOSELY BOARDED ROOF. DIRT IS FALLING FROM THE GAPS. EVERY NOW AND THEN THERE IS A BANG FROM ABOVE, ACCOMPANIED BY A ROAR FROM AN UNSEEN CROWD AND AN INCREASE IN DIRT FALLING.

A GROUP OF ABOUT 20 MEN AND WOMEN, ALL WEARING TOGAS, ARE HUDDLED TOGETHER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM, ALL LOOKING FEARFULLY AT THE ROOF ABOVE. THEY ARE BEING WATCHED BY HALF A DOZEN MUSCULAR ARMED GLADIATORS.

GLADIATOR1: So remember, when you get out there you can go up to the nearest Lion and put your head straight in its mouth.

PRISONER1: And the Lion will let you live?

GLADIATOR1: No, he will bite your head off. But it is really funny to watch.

VALOR: Look i 'm telling you, there has been some sort of mix up. I shouldn't be here. I need to see a magistrate ...

(HE IS DROWNED OUT BY THE OTHERS, ALL JOINING IN TOGETHER COMPLAINING THEY SHOULD NOT BE THERE EITHER).

GLADIATOR 1: The next person who speaks looses their tongue for the rest of the day. Ahh here is Maximus complain to him!

MAXIMUS THE CHIEF GLADIATOR ENTERS

MAXIMUS: Is there a problem?

GLADIATOR 1: (POINTS AT VALOR) You!

VALOR: (UNSURE) I have been trying to say, I was at the courts today to deliver some documents on behalf of my master, when

MAXIMUS: Good, no problem then. Welcome to the Coliseum.

THERE IS A HUGE CRASH ON THE ROOF AND BLOOD SHOWERS DOWN ONTO THE PRISONERS AS THE CROWD CHEER. THE PRISONERS ALL SCREAM.

GLADIATOR1: Quite! Be glad it is not your blood. It will not be your blood for 10 minutes yet.

THE PRISONERS ALL PANIC.

A DOOR OPENS AND AN OLD THIN MAN ENTERS

OLD MAN: I'm looking for Maximus?

MAXIMUS: I am Maximus.

THE OLD MAN SLOWLY SHUFFLES OVER TO MAXIMUS.

OLD MAN: I have come about the job. The sign outside says you want someone to feed the Lions?

MAXIMUS: Well, you are a bit thin but join the group.

THE OLD MAN SHUFFLES OVER TO STAND NEXT TO PRISONER1, WHO LOOKS DUMFOUNDED FOR A MOMENT. THEN ASKS -

PRISONER1: I have not had a trial. I was accused of whistling at a virgin in the Temple of Diana. I can't whistle and there are definitely no virgins in the Temple of Diana! I demand a proper trial.

MAXIMUS: The Emperor has decided that we need to streamline the Justice system. He has decided it will save time to have the trail and punishment elements happen at the same time, with the added bonus of a little free entertainment.

VALOR: When did this happen?

MAXIMUS: When we started running out of Christians.

PRISONER1: I demand my right as a Roman Citizen to trial by my fellow Roman Citizens.

MAXIMUS: And so you shall. You are about to meet some of the newest Citizens of Rome.

PRISONER1: Lions?

MAXIMUS: Lions.

VALOR: Don't tell me they were made citizens when the Christians ran out.

MAXIMUS: No, actually. It wasn't until the people who weren't Christians but looked a bit like they might have been, ran out.

GLADIATOR1: Right listen up. There are a couple of heath and safety issues to run through before you can enter the arena ...(BEAT)...(THE GLADIATORS ALL BURST OUT LAUGHING). Your faces, it is good to break the tension before the slaughter begins.

VALOR: I Beg you don't send me out there, someone will come looking for me.

MAXIMUS: I will make a deal with you. If your fellow condemned vote to let you go then I promise I will let you go free. What is your name?

VALOR: Valor, (BEAT) I will trust in the generosity of my fellow citizens.

MAXIMUS: You choose Citizens...just remember before you vote,, you don't have to run faster than a Lion, just faster than Valor.

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gappy

  • Tuesday 18th May 2021, 2:46pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,192 posts

Playfull, with Ws snapping at their heels.

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Tiggy

  • Wednesday 19th May 2021, 12:28pm [Edited]
  • Reading, England
  • 204 posts

SHERLOCK: The footprints continue this way. The shape indicates a Peruvian umbrella salesman with a wooden neck.

WATSON: Amazing Holmes! But the topic is "Trial", not "Trail".

SHERLOCK: Shit!

WATSON: And the closing date has passed already.

SHERLOCK: Dubble shit!!

WATSON: And the word "double" is actually spelt...

SHERLOCK: F**k off Watson!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll opt for Playful this time.

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playfull

  • Wednesday 19th May 2021, 2:00pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,989 posts

All very close but the Fox by a nose. Just for -
It's a slight pleasure Jeff.

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Firkin

  • Wednesday 19th May 2021, 2:31pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 1,161 posts

wwwwwh - great ending.

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wwwwwh

  • Wednesday 19th May 2021, 10:52pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 50 posts

Point to Gappy for wringing maximum escalation out of one fairly basic ambiguity.

Also enjoyed Otterfox's "I'm a pair of maverick detectives".

Just noticed I probably shouldn't have won last round, given I didn't get any votes.