British Comedy Guide

The Last and Spiciest of the Peter Pans 26.4 - 4.5.21

Avatar

Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 26th April 2021, 9:53am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,833 posts

F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwh for shingling. Your prize is to have won so PM me with a new slut please. Meanwhilst...
Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwh 3
Otterf**ked 2
Playfull, Firkin 1

Next natterjerk: Emotional
Leg closed: 4.5.21
Runners are nowt...

Position Score Name
1 7 Otterfox
2 4 Gappy, Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwh
3 3 Playfull
4 1 Firkin

Avatar

Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 27th April 2021, 9:13am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,833 posts

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

DOCTOR'S STUDIO.
WOMAN and MAN.

MAN Good morning, Mrs Fatbastard.

WOMAN Good evening, Mr Motivationalspeaker... Is this your studio?

MAN No, it's a clumsy set-up for a sketch... So, how are you?

WOMAN Fine.

MAN F**k off then... Only joking. So what sheens to be the problematics?

WOMAN I need to stop thinking about food and still enjoy life.

MAN Ah, you can't have your cake and eat it.

WOMAN Pardon?

MAN For starters, that'd be the cherry on the cake. The icing on the pie. The ghastly little crouton the the Campbell's condensed soup.

WOMAN You don't understand. I have to wean my thoughts off..

MAN A piece of cake, old bean. Old fruit. Old pizza margherita with a double whopper helping of fries, ketchup and a cholostomy bag.

WOMAN But...

MAN Er - butter? Don't butter me up, this kettle of fish's my bread and butter, your daily bread bringing home the bacon, and his sandwich course, doing f**k all. Bloody students.

WOMAN What...

MAN What's eating you, sweet honey, apple of my eye, you tart? Don't go out-to-lunch nuts and bananas and Spotted Dick, I'm the big cheese, the egg head, the tough cookie on the gravy train not making peanuts - no trifle - lend me your cakehole, the I'll use me noodle - me nut, me loaf - and spill the beans, squeezy as pie, till you'll be one smart cookie, full of beans, the cream of the crap.

WOMAN For the last...

MAN Parsley, sage, rosemary? My sage sugercoated advice in a nutshell on a silver platter with a pinch of salt worth its - yerse - peppered with sweet talk, bigger fish to fry heard through the grapevine - not my cup of tea - is to put all your eggs in one basket, count your chicken, spice it up, cook the books, cry over spilt milk, bite off more than you can chew, have a bun in the over with a silver spoon in its mealy mouth, cut the cheese, cut the mustard, cut the crop, call the potty black, potty mouth, flat as a pancake, sour as vinegar, cool as a cucumber sure as eggs is - yerse - and oh bollocks.

WOMAN (gets up and hits him) That took the biscuit.

Avatar

zepp

  • Wednesday 28th April 2021, 8:32pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 25 posts

Tom: I want you to show more emotion.

John: I love Jam

Tom: Make me believe it

John: I LOVE JAM

Tom: I don't know that sounds like something someone who likes honey would say.

John I LOVE JAMMMMMMMM

Tom: NOW GO OUT THERE AND KILL ME SOME NAZIS PRIVATE.

John: JAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

[Machine Gun Fire]

Hans: [pause] Est ist called Marmalade. Tommy

Avatar

gappy

  • Saturday 1st May 2021, 8:28am [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,151 posts

NINA: Hi, Gary, I'm back from shopping. Can I get some money from the kitty?

GARY: Did you get milk? That would save me going down the road in this weather.

NINA: No, I've not got milk.

GARY: You didn't get mustard, did you? Because Jack already got mustard. So now we'll have two jars of mustard. Mind you, we'd eventually eat all the mustard. So it's fine if you bought mustard.

NINA: No, I didn't buy mustard. I bought art.

GARY: Did you say art?

NINA: Yes, I did. I need some money to pay for the art...oh and for this hammer to hang it up with.

GARY: Is that the art behind your back? Hold it up.

NINA: What do you think? It says, "live, laugh, love"!

GARY: Yes, it does. Err...why is it written on three old bits of wood?

NINA: Look again.

GARY: Why is it written on three new bits of wood painted to look like old bits of wood?

NINA: Look again.

GARY: Why is it printed on three bits of plastic made to look like new bits of wood painted to look like old bits of wood?

NINA: Dunno. But, art is supposed to make you ask questions, innit? Pass me a nail.

GARY: But, why does it say "live, laugh, love"?

NINA: Instructions. Advice. Life hacks.

GARY: "Live" is not a life hack. It's just life. Live, laugh and love are involuntary, we don't need to be reminded to do them by a trio of ersatz planks.

NINA: God, if you don't like my "live, laugh, love" you won't like the other ones.

GARY: What other ones?

NINA: I got one for the living room that says "respire, relish, revel in some things", and one for the hallway that says "subsist, survive, smile (but not all the time, or you'll look mental)".

GARY: Is that all?

NINA: No. I got a really good one that says "eat, engender positive emotions, ensure the continued efficient operation of the endocrine system". That one's in the driveway, I'll need a hand getting it in.

GARY: Nina, you are not festooning our house with redundant instructions.

NINA: Can I just have one? In the toilet, where nobody will mind?

GARY: What does it say?

NINA: "Digest, defecate, don't die yet"

GARY: Vetoed! I can defecate without prompting, thank you - especially once I'm in the bathroom.

NINA: I could put it outside the bathroom, then.

GARY: Eeugh.

NINA: Or we could make our own.

GARY: No!

NINA: I've got some little slabs of slate, and some Tipp-Ex, give me some words.

GARY: Shut up, piss off, and leave me alone!

NINA: [BEAT] Oh, I'm not sure they're very good. No, I'll paint my own slates. Oh, and whilst I'm here, I think the roof's leaking...

AvatarBCG Supporter

Otterfox

  • Monday 3rd May 2021, 4:36pm [Edited]
  • Tipperary, Ireland
  • 1,051 posts

INT. INTERVIEW STUDIO.

ROLY/PRESENTER:
Welcome back to A Life In Minutes. I'm still joined, of course by Hef-Jeffrey Montague and if we can just continue our conversation on the stories that have recently been appearing all over the press.

HEF-JEFFREY:
A lot of what's been said about me has been misquoted and indeed I feel a lot of what is known about me has been distorted for sometime.

ROLY:
I'd like to pick up on that point, you have been distorted for sometime. Your back is almost completely blurred and your lower jaw looks, I suppose the word I'm looking for is pixelated. Do you know what's causing this?

HEF:
No I'm yet to find out the cause and once I find that out I'll take a break for a few years and then perhaps look for a cure.

ROLY:
What's life like now for someone with a pixelated jaw.

HEF:
I find it's wonderful when I'm in a public domain and it's liberating to know that an odd rude word can be slipped in but not be noticed visually.

ROLY:
Indeed but it can still be heard.

HEF:
Well I like them like that. I want them to be heard. As long as they're not seen I'm happy.

ROLY:
Tell me about your interesting pastime.

HEF:
Oh yes I've spent a lot of time in the past. In fact everything I've done prior to this has been in the past. It's really only very recently that I've caught up to the present.

ROLY:
No, I refer to the pastime you got arrested for.

HEF:
Oh yes indeed, I love to break into people's houses, tie them up, strip them of any headwear and set fire to their fireplace.

ROLY:
I believe some people have called it sick.

HEF:
We all have our colloquialisms. Some people call it sick; others call it firelighters, timber and turf.

ROLY:
The strangest aspect is that you have said that you were happy to be arrested.

HEF:
That is correct yes. I was happy to be arrested as by the time I'd finished my rounds some of the earlier....

ROLY:
Victims?

HEF:
Participants, had escaped their shackles and didn't seem best pleased. In fact they had organised an old-fashioned lynch-mob complete with pitchforks and wooden torches ablaze.

ROLY:
This saddened you.

HEF:
I must admit that it did. I mean I had worked long into the night. It wasn't easy tying them up and some of the fuel they had for burning left a lot to be desired. The saddest thing though and it damn near broke my heart was that their torches were lit with the very flames that I lit their fire with.

ROLY:
They were using your own fire against you.

HEF:
I'm getting rather emotional. Can we move on please?

ROLY:
Certainly. Next came the trial, which was an event in itself.

HEF:
I would say the best way of describing the trial was an event in itself. The prosecution made their presence felt that's for sure. Accusing me of leaving people's heads completely naked, shackling them and even pyromania. I was gobsmacked. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

ROLY:
But you did do all those things.

HEF:
Yes but in a very gentlemanly way and sometimes not even in that order.

ROLY:
So what line did your barrister take?

HEF:
To say he was a disappointment would be an understatement. He was picked out of hundreds by an expert court observer called Barry Sheckles. It was only after a week of the trial that I realised that Barry had been one of my.... 'participants'.

ROLY:
So how did your barrister attempt to counter all those awful, truthful accusations?

HEF:
I looked over at him for guidance on four occasions and each time he was curled up in the corner eating sawdust out of a matchbox.

ROLY:
We still haven't got to your time in jail, your dramatic escape, your sword fight with a grizzly, setting fire to St. Petersburg and even whistling your way to freedom in the Andes but I'm afraid, as always, we've run out of interest. I've been Roly Danube and this has been Hef-Jeffrey Montague's A Life In Minutes; goodnight.

HEF:
Yes, goodnight.

ROLY:
It's my show I get to say the last one.

HEF:
And then I say goodbye off to be back of that.

ROLY:
No you don't. Good night.

HEF:
I've been saying goodnight since 1942. I think I know what position it should be in.

ROLY (ANGRY):
You don't. No one can even see what you're saying with your pixel jaw. It's my show; I get to say the final one. Agreed? Now good night!

HEF:
Oh I agree. Nothing to fear here..........Goodnight.

ROLY LUNGES FOR HEF.

END.

Avatar

Firkin

  • Tuesday 4th May 2021, 11:21am
  • United Kingdom
  • 1,138 posts

CARTOON. A PERSIAN CAT RAPPER, COCKER SPANIEL AND A GOLDFISH.

CAT: Hey Dog fancy a G&T ? I needs someone to advise me emotionally.

DOG: Emotions, that's the main thing I do, well that and poo.

CAT: My bitch, who's a cat not a dog, just to be clear she's a mog,
says I need to be more emotional, for us to stay together, it's nonnegotiable.

DOG: A cat that needs to learn felines, how very ironic. Here's your gin and tonic.

CAT: I can only express myself by my clothing, it's a habit my lover is loathing.

FISH: Count me in on this. I only have one emotion, fear ! Forget G&T I'll have a beer.

CAT IS NOW DRESSED AS A SCUBER DIVER.

CAT: You're surrounded by water you plonk, are you sure it's a beer you want ?

DOG: There must have been a time you once expressed your feelings ?

CAT: I did get angry when my master,[BEAT] hit me with a flat fish in my face, my emotions were all over the Place.

DOG: Let's build on that.

FISH: Can I slap the cat ?

DOG: No. When our master comes in, he likes to see a wide grin.

CAT SHOVES A COAT HANGER IN HIS MOUTH TO GET A WIDE GRIN, HE'S DRESSED AS A CLOWN.

FISH: I can't do that with just a dorsal fin.

CAT: Emotion, I don't see the point of it ?

DOG: One look of shame and you can get your master to pick up your shit.

FISH: Help me become an emotional fish, I can't even feel emotional ish.

DOG: OK, Think of a time when you felt pain or agitation

FISH: There was that one time I had constipation.

DOG: Doesn't count.

FISH: Dealing with emotions, isn't that what computer games are for ? Like the magazines you keep in your bedside draw.

DOG: No you plank, don't plug it in, you're in a tank !

FISH PLUGS IN HIS COMPUTER AND FRYS HIMSELF. CAT IS NOW DRESSED AS THE GRIM REAPER.

CAT: You try to give them tips. Have you got any chips ?

Avatar

wwwwwh

  • Tuesday 4th May 2021, 11:57pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 46 posts

Welcome everyone, and thank you for coming to this meeting of 'the high EQ society'. Firstly, I'd like to say congratulations to our new members, all of whom successfully solved the puzzle we posted in The Guardian, of which of four far right political leaders was most in need of a hug. The answer was, of course, Laurence Fox.

Here we pride ourselves on our emotional intelligence, our ability to accurately recognise emotions in others and in ourselves. I appreciate those who are new here may be experiencing some degree of anxiety, apprehension, introversion, nervous anticipation, flummoxation, maybe even a degree of mortification. But remember that while such feelings are natural, it's important to be kind to yourself. None of us is perfect. Even I, for instance, ran over a dog on the way here - but I have the strength of character to forgive myself!

You have been chosen because you have a natural talent for compassion. Everyone in this room has the ability to form an intuitive connection with anyone they might meet in their daily lives - apart from men, of course, they are impossible to read.

Now before we proceed, let us all take the time to experience an emotion together. On one, on two... ennui! Eurrgh. And later on we'll be receiving some special guests, a bus load of orphans for us to pity, I mean empathise with.

Always remember that for those of us in this room, drawn from the 2% most emotionally gifted in our society, we are your family. As a member, you can be assured that everyone around you is conversationally adept. We buy the best presents, we have the best social lives, we are extremely good in bed. We are emotionally developed people. Our emotions are complex, rich, deep, not like the people outside those doors, who will only ever experience basic feelings like happy, sad, fighty, horny. Pity them! Their lives are shallow; some of them have never even identified their own childhood trauma. We are more successful in our careers and our relationships. I mean there's absolutely no data to back that up, but I strongly feel that it's true.

We must remember that we are the emotional elite, the most compassionate, the most emotionally stable. Our genes are emotionally mature genes. We will breed supremely empathetic children who will fill the corridors of power for generations to come. We will fight the angry, the defensive, the petulant and the passive aggressive, and we will kill them with our kindness. Now, grab your Kalashnikovs and march!

AvatarBCG Supporter

playfull

  • Wednesday 5th May 2021, 12:00am [Edited]
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,980 posts

OUT OF COMPETITION - POSTED LATE AND UNFINISHED

PITCHER: Well dwagons we have a cwisis of an unpwecedented scale. Almost everwy tv ceweblaty or pwesenter is suffering fwom 'Emotional atrophy'

THEO: That sounds terrible.

PITCHER: It is, it's a gwowing pwoblem...

THEO: No, I mean you, I can't understand a word you are saying. Your lips have been blown up like balloons. All I can hear is the sound of two balloons being rubbed together, with an accompanying static discharge. I am out but I have no idea what I am out of.

DEBORAH: Hold on a minute Theo, I want to look at the numbers...

DUNCAN: Not with the numbers again Deborah, always the numbers...

DEBORAH: What are you doing here Duncan? You are not even a dragon anymore.

DUNCAN: I am just here for a gag, later.

DEBORAH: I assume you are here to offer us shares in an anti-histamine cream?

PITCHER: What? No, I actuwally like my lips. I chwose them fwom a selection at the swurgeons.

DUNCAN: From a balloon shop morelike.

THEO: No, I didn't get a word of that...

DUNCAN: I'm not surprised, those lips are ridiculous!

THEO: I was talking about you, you Scottish git.

PITCHER: Giwls like me are rushing to the swurgeons swergeries in their fwowsands, to copy their cewebwaty woll models.

DEBORAH: Yes, we have all seen the poor rigid faced, girls with fixed staring eyes and air bags for lips. But I fail to see the business opportunity if that is what they want to look like.

PITCHER: Emotional atrophy Debowah. You may have lips like a jockey's testicles after 12 races in a day and a fworehead pumped with enough bowtox to kill a hippo, but sometimes having that pewrfect selfie powt that never ever changes just isn't enough. Swomtimes you want people to know how you feel, you know, how you feel inside.

DEBORAH: Is that the Emotional Atrophy you were talkin about?

PITCHER: Yes. If you cannot mowve your face, no emowtion's can be expwest at awll.

DEBORAH: That Is awfull...So how can we make money out of them?

PITCHER: With these...(SHE HOLDS UP A DOZEN TABLETENNIS BATS).

DEBORAH: By Playing ping pong?

PITCHER: (LOOKS AT BAT THEN TURNS IT ROUND TO SHOW A ROUND SMILEY FACE)

THEO: It's a Mr Men!

PITCHER: No!

THEO: Is it an emoticon?

PITCHER: No! they are Emotionators. By holding your Emotionator up people can immediately see what mood you are in.

DUNCAN: Like an Emoji?

PITCHER: No! They are nothing like an emoji!

DUNCAN: Have you got one that says I am out?

DEBORAH: Look i still want to know the numbers?

PITCHER: 120 PSI

DEBORAH: Thank you!

Avatar

Firkin

  • Wednesday 5th May 2021, 2:47am
  • United Kingdom
  • 1,138 posts

Lots of good stuff, but I'll go Gappy this week. Nice premise well executed. Especially like the "look again" bit. Otterfox a close second, some very good lines, like " I've spent a lot of time in the past... It's really only very recently that I've caught up."

Avatar

zepp

  • Wednesday 5th May 2021, 7:12pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 25 posts

Otterfox for me.

Avatar

wwwwwh

  • Wednesday 5th May 2021, 9:54pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 46 posts

Another one for Gappy.

Avatar

Alfred J Kipper

  • Thursday 6th May 2021, 6:54am [Edited]
  • Aldershot, England
  • 6,515 posts
Quote: playfull @ 5th May 2021, 12:00 AM

OUT OF COMPETITION - POSTED LATE AND UNFINISHED

12-00 AM is on the button, so qualifies and gets my vote as I found it the funniest. I drew a blank on this subject. :| Had to look it up in the dictionary.

Avatar

gappy

  • Thursday 6th May 2021, 11:08am [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,151 posts
Quote: Firkin @ 5th May 2021, 2:47 AM

Lots of good stuff, but I'll go Gappy this week. Nice premise well executed. Especially like the "look again" bit. Otterfox a close second, some very good lines, like " I've spent a lot of time in the past... It's really only very recently that I've caught up."

It's that line that's swinging it for me to vote Otterfox. I did enjoy your scene setting "CARTOON. A PERSIAN CAT RAPPER, COCKER SPANIEL AND A GOLDFISH", though, along with Michael's parade of idioms and Zepp's bonkersness.

AvatarBCG Supporter

playfull

  • Friday 7th May 2021, 4:20am
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,980 posts

I go for Mr Monkhouse. For its energy, rhythm and the fact it was nearly jizz free. But it could have been anyone . All so different, and all with merit.

And Alf, I have learnt something, something that i didn't know i didn't know. The first minute of the midnight hour belongs to the following day not the previous day! Who knew? I watched as 11.59 changed to 12.00 and the date changed from the 4th to the 5th. I then edited quite a lot, which i think disqualifies me. Still it was worth it - i was enjoying watching PSG implode!