Not Going Out

Not Going Out. Image shows from L to R: Benji (Max Pattison), Charlie (Finley Southby), Lee (Lee Mack), Lucy (Sally Bretton), Molly (Francesca Newman). Copyright: BBC.

Not Going Out

Fast-paced, gag-packed studio sitcom starring Lee Mack and Sally Bretton

Avatar

Ray Dawson

  • Monday 29th October 2007, 12:54am
  • Bradford, Yorkshire, England
  • 1,347 posts

All the characters below are written and created by Andrew Collins &co, and are in no part herein or thereafter or evermore anything to do with me or the pope.
Amen.

TIM WALKS INTO THE FLAT, LEE IS SITTING ON THE SOFA, THE CLEANER IS DUSTING LIGHTLY...VERY LIGHTLY.

TIM: There's a little boy outside for you Lee.

LEE: Thank's Tim, but it's not my birthday for a couple of months yet...besides!
what's wrong with getting me socks.?

TIM: He says you gave him the wrong change for an ice cream.

LEE: Why? Who's change did he want? Richrd Branson's.?

TIM: He's brought his father with him, he doesn't look too pleased.

LEE: Maybe he wanted an ice lolly...How big is he?

TIM: About 4ft 5.

LEE: Right! i'll sort this out.

LEE GETS UP AND WALKS TO THE CORRIDOR, WE HEAR A THUMP, FOLLOWED BY AN OUCH!
LEE WALKS BACK INTO THE FLAT HOLDING HIS NOSE.

CLEANER: Oh my God! what did he do?

TIM: Well i think we can rule out a handshake.

CLEANER: Come and sit down.

LEE: You lying git! You said he was only 4ft 5.

TIM: I meant the boy.

LEE: Did you see the size of his father?

TIM: Of course, they passed me on the stairs asking where you lived.

LEE: And you told them!?

TIM: Of course i didn't, what do you take me for?

LEE: So how did they find out where i lived?

TIM: Well the lads father gave me this note for you, and they sort of followed
me.

LEE: Oh well thanks a lot, you should have invited him for drinks.

LUCY AND GUY WALK INTO THE FLAT.

LUCY: Lee! what happened?

TIM: Lee short changed some young lad and he brought his father round to sort
him out.

LUCY: Oh i hate violence.

GUY: I don't know, i think it goes quite well with some people.

LUCY: I'll get a damp cloth.

CLEANER: No need, i'll mop the bloodstains up later.

LUCY: I meant for his nose.

CLEANER: Shouldn't you put your head between your legs?

LEE: What for?

CLEANER: I know it's good for something.

LEE: Not like you then? Good for nothing.

TIM: You should put your head back.

LEE: I know, i know, i've had nosebleeds before.

GUY; What a surprise.

LUCY COMES BACK WITH THE CLOTH.

LUCY: Here, put this over your nose...How did he know where you lived?

LEE: He followd the homing pigeon over there.

LUCY: What.?

LEE: Never mind...I think it's broken.

GUY: Really? and to think the day started so badly.

LEE: You're enjoying this aren't you?

GUY: No of course not, look for what it's worth i can't abide violence either,
i think what we need is a drink, i'll open a bottle.

CLEANER: I'll just have a small one.

LEE: You won't, you're working, dust, clean, polish, only people who pay rent on
this flat are allowed a drink, [LUCY STARES AT LEE] ok, people who are in
arrears as well.

TIM: I'll get some tumblers.

LEE: I'll give you a hand.

TIM AND LEE WALK OVER TO THE DRINKS CABINET, THEY EACH GET TWO TUMBLERS.

TIM: You know Lee, we should have done this before you went out to see the lads
father.

LEE: Why?

TIM: Well lets face it, who'd hit a guy with glasses.?

Avatar

jacparov

  • Monday 29th October 2007, 1:01am
  • Southport, England
  • 1,446 posts

lol, give that man a job!

Avatar

Lee

  • Monday 29th October 2007, 1:28am
  • United Kingdom
  • 36,423 posts

Yes, actually pretty good and very good ending!

It looks fun, I may have a go later lol.

Avatar

marion

  • Monday 29th October 2007, 2:10am
  • England
  • 453 posts

Very, very good. Well done. Who said that the British sitcom is dead?

Avatar

Cinnamon

  • Monday 29th October 2007, 2:14am [Edited]
  • England
  • 816 posts

The priest.

There were some good giggles in this though.

Avatar

Ray Dawson

  • Monday 29th October 2007, 2:18am
  • Bradford, Yorkshire, England
  • 1,347 posts
Quote: marion @ October 28, 2007, 10:10 PM

Very, very good. Well done. Who said that the British sitcom is dead?

I'll bet it was those bloody yanks.

Avatar

jacparov

  • Monday 29th October 2007, 2:23am
  • Southport, England
  • 1,446 posts

reading this has actually taught me quite abit,

I think tims: i think we can presume it wasn't a handshake. was spot on. Alot of sitcom comedy comes from the comic perspective / attitude of the character, at least it seems to me. I can't wait to try it in december.

AvatarBCG Supporter

Chappers

  • Monday 29th October 2007, 2:42am
  • Surreyish., England
  • 32,701 posts

Very good! You have got the style right.

Avatar

Quentin

  • Monday 29th October 2007, 2:59am
  • England
  • 172 posts

I really, really enjoyed this! Great work!

Avatar

zooo

  • Monday 29th October 2007, 3:04am
  • United Kingdom
  • 69,242 posts

I liked it too. Well done!
I could never manage that.

Avatar

Ray Dawson

  • Monday 29th October 2007, 3:11am
  • Bradford, Yorkshire, England
  • 1,347 posts
Quote: zooo @ October 28, 2007, 11:04 PM

I liked it too. Well done!
I could never manage that.

Give it a go, you don't know until you try. I didn't think i could write poetry
till i tried...mind you , i was right.

Just remember! you can please some of the people some of the time...and sod the rest.

Avatar

Wildjesusfishkid

  • Monday 29th October 2007, 3:37pm
  • Kent, England
  • 1,127 posts

Great stuff. You should write your own characters too.

Avatar

Steve Sunshine

  • Wednesday 2nd September 2015, 6:17pm
  • Dagenham, England
  • 15,107 posts

So when are they showing the last episode of Would lie to you?
Is it still on the 18th?

Avatar

FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange

  • Thursday 3rd September 2015, 5:57pm
  • Essex, England
  • 455 posts

I Loved Not going out and was gutted when it ended.
Thank you for giving me 5 more mins of a great show.

maybe you could write an entire seris change the Names and call it "Knot Go In Out"?