British Comedy Guide

Personal notes on a Gopher, 10 - 18.2.21

Avatar

Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 11th February 2021, 12:48pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,630 posts

Yeah! C**tgtasulazioningd to Playfull, Gappy and Steve Sunshine for shingling. PM me with a new slut sposa please. Meanwhereas...
Playfull, Gappy, Steve Sunshine 2
Otterfox, Tiggy, wwwwwwwwwwwwwwh 1
Next slapperjack: Making Plans
Leg closed: 18.2.21
Runners are nowt...
Score Position Name
8 1 Wwwwwh
6 2 Tiggy
4.5 3 Firkin
4 4 Playfull, Gappy
3.5 5 Otterfox
2 6 Steve Sunshine
1 7 Thief of bad gags, me, Alfred J Kipper

Avatar

Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 11th February 2021, 3:19pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,630 posts

PARTY POOP

TV STUDIO.
INTERVIEWER and TRUMP.

INTERVIEWER Good evening and welcome to this morning's 'Nightnews'. This afternoon it's my pleasure and privilege to welcome my honoured guest Mr Donald Trump: good noon.

TRUMP Hi mate.

INTERVIEWER Mr Trump, last April you unveiled your three-phase anti-Covid strategy. In the first phase - or, phase - restaurants, cinemarse and sports venues could reopen under certain conditions, unlike schools, day care centres and barse, so as to "mitigate the risk of resurgence" of the pandemic and "protect the most vulnerable".

TRUMP Yerse.

INTERVIEWER This would be swiftly followed by Phase Two - that's right - in which schools and activities such as the aforequoted day care centres could resume, alongside non-essential travel, yet visits to senior care facilities and hospitals would remain prohibited.

TRUMP That is correct.

INTERVIEWER And finally, Phase Four - sorry, three - whereby, within states and regions with "no evidence of a rebound" "satisfying the criteria a fourth, sorry third time", "vulnerable individuals" could resume public interactions but practice social distancing, whereas low-risk populations should still "consider minimizing time spent in crowded environments."

TRUMP Quite.

INTERVIEWER So my first question is, What's it like bonking Melania?

TRUMP Pardon?

INTERVIEWER The singlest gorgeousest most shaggablest woman on telly and you're bonking her. YOU'RE on her 'to do' list. Howja manage it, hardly Brad Pitt are yer, she into overweight corrupt lisping Yankees or sommat...

TRUMP Please. The regulations.

INTERVIEWER But she's so fit, she's real horn fodder, even sounds like a Spice Girl - Melanie A - I'd be up 'er like a bleedin' ferret...

TRUMP Yes. Well I informed state governors they could call the shots...

INTERVIEWER Yeah I'd give 'er a shot, eh? Phwoar, schools's closed but you ain't, only YOU let ME in, lemme...

TRUMP And to save jobs...

INTERVIEWER Yeah we all know what kinda jobs, eh, and I'm not talking Steve, though ...

TRUMP And boost economic growth...

INTERVIEWER Yeah she don't just get me economy up: you expected a hung Parliament, well here's a well-hung Parliament!

TRUMP Do you want me to discuss the regulations?

INTERVIEWER Mmm - all right. Sorry mate, it's just she's so - I dunno, mmmmmm...รน

TRUMP Thank you... To keep our citizens up and running...

INTERVIEWER (giggle)

TRUMP Thank you - up and coming...

INTERVIEWER (laugh)

TRUMP It's long and hard but Melania will pull it off...

INTERVIEWER (laugh)

TRUMP Right I'm leaving. (leaves)

INTERVIEWER I'm sorry, but there's nothing worse than a slimeballs using their status to get women. My next guest is Berlusconi...

Avatar

Tiggy

  • Friday 12th February 2021, 12:06pm
  • Reading, England
  • 200 posts

ESCAPE

SIR: Are we all here?

SIMPSON: Yes Sir!

JONES: Shhh. Keep it quiet. Walls have ears you know.

SIMPSON: Sorry.

SIR: This is the second meeting of the escape committee. I hope you've come up with lots of good ideas. Why not start things off for us Simpson?

SIMPSON: I've been conducting tests for a tunnel. The ground's pretty damn sandy so it'll be hard going. I think through the fence might be the best way.

JONES: I was talking to Kelly in hut 2. He used to be a geologist before all this started and reckons there could be a way to the South with firm enough ground, but it'll have to be deep.

SIR: I see.

SIR: Shmidt? Any ideas?

SHMIDT: Ja, I think vee should vait in ze camp until ze vor is over.

SIR: That's not really in the spirit of an escape committee Shmidt.

SHMIDT: Vell, maybe vee could say sorry and agree to fight for ze Fatherland from now on?

SIR: Right, ...that's probably worse.

THOMPSON: Have you thought any more about my idea Sir?

SIR: About sneaking out disguised as women?

THOMPSON: Yes Sir. I'm fairly convincing aren't I Sir?

SIR: Yes you are Thompson. And it has come to the attention of the officers that you actually arrived in the camp dressed like that, ...and how you were dressed like it when you parachuted out of your plane after being shot down.

THOMPSON: Prepared for escape before I left the airfield Sir. And I wasn't shot down. I lost control trying to refasten a suspender clip.

SIR: Moving on. Jones?

JONES: I suggest chopping ourselves into tiny pieces so we can get posted back to England...

SHMIDT: Or Berlin...ham, vare I am from. Berlinham near...Upper Munichford.

JONES: ...wherever, and then we get reassembled at the other end.

SIR: It that possible?

JONES: No Sir. Or we could all agreed to be swallowed whole by one person so that only he...

THOMPSON: Or she!

JONES: ...only he or she needs to escape.

SIR: Maybe keep that as a last resort.

BROWN: Sir, I think one of the guards could be bribed.

SIR: Ahh. Interesting Brown, go on.

BROWN. The tall one.

SIR: Not sure which one you mean.

BROWN: The tall blonde one with the rugged manly jaw and those dreamy brown eyes.

SIR: Tall, blonde, brown eyes.

BROWN: Moist kissable lips...

THOMPSON: Great arse...

SIR: Tall, blonde, brown eyes, wet lips and, ...so bribed with what?

JONES: We could let him into our secret funfair Sir. A few rides, some candyfloss, a balloon, a go on the bouncy castle. I'm sure he'll be on our side then!

SIR: Do we have a secret funfair with rides, a candyfloss machine, balloons and a bouncy castle?

JONES: You always pick holes in my suggestions Sir. It's not fair.

SHMIDT: I could talk to him. He's mein brother in law.

SIR: What?!

SHMIDT: ...er, I mean my svorn enemy. It sounds like I said "mein brother in law" because of mein stronk Velsh accent!

SIR: We'll put it to a vote. Deep tunnel to the South, bribe the guard, or get somebody to swallow 420 men and just walk out. Okay with you all?

SIMPSON: Yes Sir.

JONES: Yes Sir.

BROWN: Yes Sir.

THOMPSON: Yes Sir.

SHMIDT: Ja, mein...er Sir.

GENERAL TALK OF VOTING FADES OUT. WE FADE BACK TO SOUNDS OF GRUNTING AND GROANING.

SIMPSON: You have to admit that Jones is pretty damn roomy Sir.

SIR: Get your elbow out my face whoever that is!

GRUNTING.

SIR: I've always said, democracy doesn't work!

SHMIDT: Just like being ont ze U-boats!

FAIRGROUND MUSIC IS HEARD.

THOMPSON: Yay, candyfloss!

BROWN: Race you!

SIMPSON: I want a blue balloon!

SOUND OF FEET RUNNING AWAY.

SIR: Oh well Shmidt. If you can't beat them, join them. Come on and I'll buy you a schnitzel and some of that sauerkraut you like.

SHMIDT: Ja, mein herr!

SIR: Don't do that.

FOOTSTEPS FADE OUT.

THE END.

Avatar

gappy

  • Saturday 13th February 2021, 12:13pm [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,127 posts

[BOTH HAVE STRONG MUMMERSET ACCENTS. GO CRAZY]

JETHRO: Morning, Silas. How's it going?

SILAS: Not so bad, Jethro, not so bad. A good day's farming so far.

JETHRO: Oh, arr? What you been up to?

SILAS: I've been liaising with various colleagues within the corporate body.

JETHRO: You done what?

SILAS: I've been liaising with colleagues in the corporate body, so as to ensure full cooperation from all necessary parties such that the introduction of my planned development will be as smooth as possible.

JETHRO: I honestly don't know what you're talking about.

SILAS: Oh, it's just a little metaphor, Jethro. When I say I've been [REPEATING THE PHRASE VERY FAST] liaising with colleagues in the corporate body, so as to ensure full cooperation from all necessary parties such that the introduction of my planned development will be as smooth as possible, I literally mean I've been getting all my ducks in a row.

JETHRO: Oh, I see! Planning strategies involving various departmental representatives is kind of a cute way of saying you've been lining up your ducks?

SILAS: That's it. All the ducks that I own are all neatly arranged, there, see?

JETHRO: [BEAT] Nope.

SILAS: Arr, well, they're not a line now, on account of I've been talking to you for a minute, but until then, all the morning, I've been keeping all of them ducks nicely in a row.

JETHRO: I get it, Silas. Ducks in a row, yeah, I can see how that might be hard work.

SILAS: Aye.

JETHRO: Yeah. [PAUSE] So...just wondering, what's the advantage of it?

SILAS: What's the advantage of having all my ducks in a row?

JETHRO: Arr.

SILAS: Well, obviously it's...what it is, is...the reason behind it is...actually, I've no idea.

JETHRO: No. And, you said it was quite challenging.

SILAS: Arr, keeping them ducks in a linear formation requires constant intercession*.

JETHRO: Arr. So, I was maybe thinking, don't do it again...?

SILAS: You know what? I think you're right. I shall no longer expend energy getting my ducks in a row.

JETHRO: Good for you, Silas. It was, if you don't mind my saying, quite a stupid idea to put ducks in a row. Especially all of them.

SILAS: True enough. On the plus side, we can all forget about my stupidity, because I don't suppose anyone will ever talk about it ever again. Ducks, the way I see it, are happy to fly about in the air.

JETHRO: That's right, Silas. That's some blue sky thinking.

[*DIRECTORIAL NOTE: If you're not pronouncing this "CAWWWWWNstun in'errSAIRRRRRshun" you're doing it wrong, and should start again]

Avatar

Teddy Paddalack

  • Monday 15th February 2021, 7:17pm [Edited]
  • Everton, England
  • 3,262 posts

SCENE: Dead of night. Four really fat men in black polo neck jumpers are standing over table looking at a plan.
1st MAN
" How the f**k am I supposed to haul him back up on the rope he must weigh 30 stone and besides it's not even a proper rope this is a washing line and he'll use most of it up tying it round his waist anyway "

2nd MAN
"Yeah, well how f**k are you supposed to be standing on the skylight in the first place you're heavier than I am".

3rd MAN
"I can't even see how we are all going to fit in the getaway car?"

4th MAN
"F**k it this is useless we'll just have to wait , will one of you at least Google 'What time does Greggs open? "

AvatarBCG Supporter

Otterfox

  • Thursday 18th February 2021, 12:48pm
  • Tipperary, Ireland
  • 1,038 posts

EXT. RURAL COUNTRYSIDE. EVENING.

TWO MEN, FRANK & TOM IN HIKING GEAR STARE AT A MAP AND LOOK AROUND CONFUSED.

FRANK:
Well, we're completely lost! We've even run out of map.

TOM:
Why don't we try Google? Don't they have maps?

FRANK:
We're in a field, halfway up a mountain, in the middle of nowhere, how good is Google Maps going to be?

TOM:
Going to be okay I'd say.

FRANK:
I've absolutely no signal and you didn't even charge your phone. I'm pretty sure the village is west. We'll need to devise a plan. It's almost 9 o' clock now; if we just follow the setting sun...we'll just cut in through this gate here...

FRANK BENDS DOWN TO CRAWL THROUGH A GATE.

TOM:
So, I'll stay here and you go for help.

FRANK:
Help for what? We're just going back to town.

TOM:
And you'll send someone back to rescue me?

FRANK:
There's no rescue involved. We're both fine. We just have to walk back there.

TOM:
And alert the authorities.

FRANK:
Alert them to what?

TOM:
In case you've forgotten - we are lost!
BEAT.

TOM (CNTD):
Alright, have it your way, we'll both go.

TOM CLIMBS OVER THE GATE AND BEGINS WALKING WEST. TOM LOOKS AROUND TO SEE FRANK STUCK IN THE GATE.

TOM:
What are you doing?

FRANK:
I'm stuck aren't I!!

TOM:
I thought you said we were both going?

FRANK:
I'm caught. I can't budge!

TOM:
So now you're not going? Would you ever make up your mind?

FRANK:
You'll have to go get help.

TOM:
That was my plan all along...and raise the alarm?

FRANK:
Yes, raise the alarm as quick as you can, it'll be dark in an hour.

TOM:
Great, how many alarms will I raise?

FRANK:
Just get some help!

TOM:
I'll raise a few of them for you.

TOM WALKS OFF.

FRANK:
No!...The other way! West! INTO the sun!

FRANK:
Oh God! I'm going to die here. If I could just turn...my waist...maybe if I twist...grab this tuft and pull...slink back a bit...

TOM APPEARS.

TOM:
Any luck, no?

FRANK:
No. I'm trying to sort of manoeuvre my..w-what the hell are you doing here!?!

TOM:
I'm checking in on you. I heard you were stuck in some gate or something.

FRANK:
You're gone for the last ten minutes; did you find help?

TOM:
Well, I was halfway there and I said I'd better come back and check on you.

TOM OPENS THE GATE WITH FRANK STILL STUCK. FRANK HAS TO TIPTOE ALONG TO FOLLOW THE TRAJECTORY OF THE GATE AS IT OPENS.

TOM:
It opens and everything, you could have just walked through, Frank? Did you know that? You could have just opened it Frank. Frank? Frank? And you wouldn't be stuck there like an eejit. (LAUGHS)

FRANK IS SEETHING.

FRANK:
I'm going to have to do this myself!

FRANK CONTORTS AND GROANS AND GRAPPLES DESPERATELY WITH THE GATE UNTIL, WITH AN ALMIGHTY FORCE, HE FINALLY FREES HIMSELF, HURTING HIMSELF IN THE PROCESS.

TOM:
Would you say that was the most stuck you ever were in anything?

FRANK:
Jesus Christ! My back!

A FEW MEN ARRIVE WITH TOOLS FOR RESCUE.

TOM:
Ah, here's the help now. I raised 1 - 2 - 3 - 4, 4 alarms for you (PROUD).

FRANK IS LIVID AND LUNGES FOR TOM BUT IS HELD BACK BY THE HELP.
TRANQUIL, CONTENT MUSIC PLAYS TO CONTRAST WITH FRANKS RAGE. TOM LOOKS GORMLESSLY AT THE CAMERA WITH A HALF-SMIRK ON HIS FACE.

END.

AvatarBCG Supporter

playfull

  • Thursday 18th February 2021, 11:00pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,950 posts

I wonder how those plans worked out for Nigel?

Avatar

wwwwwh

  • Thursday 18th February 2021, 11:56pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 32 posts

LENNY: Let me introduce you to the gang. This is Knives McGinty. Fred here specialises in cleanup. And finally, well, we call him The Butcher.

BUTCHER: Clive is also fine.

BOSS: What about the man out there in the suit?

LENNY: He works for us.

BOSS: OK. And what's my cut?

LENNY: 10%. 15 if someone's feeling generous.

BOSS: OK, fellas. We've got a big value target out there, and I'm told you're the best in the business. Now, time to separate a man from his money.

CUSTOMER: (distant) Er yes, hello, I have a reservation.

WAITER: (distant) Yes, let me show you to your table, sir.

LENNY: He's in position.

BOSS: He's early. (distorted) Stall him.

WAITER: (distant) Er... would you like some bread...

MCGINTY: Bread? We're going to fob him off with bread?

LENNY: What if we cut out some huge wonky chunks and put them out with a load of salt and oil?

MCGINTY: That so crazy it might just work.

BOSS: (distorted) Find out what he wants.

CUSTOMER: (distant) Oh, I'll have the salmon tart.

WAITER: (distant) Very good sir.

LENNY: He's skipped the starter! What do we do?

BOSS: Stick to the plan.

LENNY: Pre-heat an oven to 200 degrees...

BUTCHER: On it.

LENNY: Heat a large non-stick pan with a drizzle of vegetable oil... Bring 600ml of water to a rolling boil...

MCGINTY: It's not boiling fast enough! We're never going to make it!

BOSS: McGinty! Put a lid on it.

FRED: (spits)

BOSS: What did you do that for?

FRED: Toffee-nosed git, waving his wallet around, his type make me sick.

BOSS: You're meant to be a professional! If he suspects anything, the game is up.

FRED: Relax, he's never going to know.

MCGINTY: Potatoes are done, boss.

LENNY: Take off the boil and drain...

MCGINTY: Season and serve with a green salad - green salad! They didn't say nothing about a green salad! You think I've just got a green salad lying about!

LENNY: The green salad was always in the plan!

MCGINTY: Well no one told me!

BOSS: Tell you what we'll do. We'll serve it without a green salad, and say that's some haute cuisine shit.

[FX: Ping!]

LENNY: There it is! Smell that.

BOSS: I love it when a flan comes together.

LENNY: Look out there. The place is packed. What do we do?

BOSS: Now we play... the waiting game.

Avatar

Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 19th February 2021, 6:29am [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,630 posts

Funtabulous. Otterfox but all awesome.

Avatar

Teddy Paddalack

  • Friday 19th February 2021, 9:00am
  • Everton, England
  • 3,262 posts

I found that Playfulls hit the X as well as the T &C.

AvatarBCG Supporter

playfull

  • Friday 19th February 2021, 2:44pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,950 posts

Some neat concepts and well crafted words. In the absence of Mrs Scarlet the lead pipe and a library i accuse ...er i mean i vote for, Tiggy if only for the absurdity of -

SHMIDT: I could talk to him. He's mein brother in law.

I am partial to a bit of absurdity.

As to my entry (that's for Patrick) i was too brain dead to write anything, but couldn't get the song out of my head.

Avatar

gappy

  • Friday 19th February 2021, 3:18pm [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,127 posts

Really interesting week this time, lots that's excellent, and a few things I don't go for in the same entries. Makes the choice tough, but fun.

Michael: I think this is good sketch, but the wrong politician: Trump is hardly professional in interviews, and would not shy away from people leering at women, whether they're his family or not
Tiggy: Really like the concept, but I think it's a touch long, and the fairground stuff just muddies the waters for me.
Teddy: The fat people's heist plans is a strong idea, but I feel it could have been developed (yes, I know this is the opposite of what I just said, be quiet!)
Otterfox: First half really good, but once the slapstick business with the gate comes in I find it harder to visualise.
Ws: Another really tight concept. I actually ad to read it twice to quite grasp it, and if it were an audio sketch I think it would be quite hard to process the opening.
Playfull: Sorry, I don't quite see what the joke is, much as I like XTC; but it's already got one vote, so what do I know!

I think, just for the 2 outrageous closing puns, I'll vote for Ws, but with Tiggy and Otter so close behind in second place.

Avatar

wwwwwh

  • Friday 19th February 2021, 8:54pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 32 posts

I will go for Gappy. It's a clear premise, executed well - not much more to say.

I mostly agree with Gappy's assessments but quick thoughts:

Michael: The interviewer being the sexist is a good twist, but Trump here just isn't Trump. Maybe Trump should be Trump but the interviewer is somehow out-Trumping him.

Tiggy: Really like the German pretending to be in the escape party, personally I would make that the whole sketch.

Teddy: You've set up a problem - I'd like to see what happens when these people attempt a heist, or what their plan would be.

Otterfox - Establishes well but I'm just a bit confused - I didn't get the bit about raising four alarms, sorry!

Playfull - wasn't sure that was even meant as an entry, so well done for getting a point anyway.

Avatar

Alfred J Kipper

  • Saturday 20th February 2021, 8:33am [Edited]
  • Aldershot, England
  • 6,426 posts

Oh blast, I thought Saturdays were the deadline days so I was making plans for my baking flans skit but never mind, maybe I can catch the next one. Er..er...hmm, not a vintage week this one, imo, hard decision, I'll go for Michael's change in format although I haven't analysed the characterisation.

AvatarBCG Supporter

playfull

  • Monday 22nd February 2021, 12:38am
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,950 posts
Quote: wwwwwh @ 19th February 2021, 8:54 PM

Playfull - wasn't sure that was even meant as an entry,

Me neither...