SIR: Are we all here?
SIMPSON: Yes Sir!
JONES: Shhh. Keep it quiet. Walls have ears you know.
SIR: This is the second meeting of the escape committee. I hope you've come up with lots of good ideas. Why not start things off for us Simpson?
SIMPSON: I've been conducting tests for a tunnel. The ground's pretty damn sandy so it'll be hard going. I think through the fence might be the best way.
JONES: I was talking to Kelly in hut 2. He used to be a geologist before all this started and reckons there could be a way to the South with firm enough ground, but it'll have to be deep.
SIR: I see.
SIR: Shmidt? Any ideas?
SHMIDT: Ja, I think vee should vait in ze camp until ze vor is over.
SIR: That's not really in the spirit of an escape committee Shmidt.
SHMIDT: Vell, maybe vee could say sorry and agree to fight for ze Fatherland from now on?
SIR: Right, ...that's probably worse.
THOMPSON: Have you thought any more about my idea Sir?
SIR: About sneaking out disguised as women?
THOMPSON: Yes Sir. I'm fairly convincing aren't I Sir?
SIR: Yes you are Thompson. And it has come to the attention of the officers that you actually arrived in the camp dressed like that, ...and how you were dressed like it when you parachuted out of your plane after being shot down.
THOMPSON: Prepared for escape before I left the airfield Sir. And I wasn't shot down. I lost control trying to refasten a suspender clip.
SIR: Moving on. Jones?
JONES: I suggest chopping ourselves into tiny pieces so we can get posted back to England...
SHMIDT: Or Berlin...ham, vare I am from. Berlinham near...Upper Munichford.
JONES: ...wherever, and then we get reassembled at the other end.
SIR: It that possible?
JONES: No Sir. Or we could all agreed to be swallowed whole by one person so that only he...
THOMPSON: Or she!
JONES: ...only he or she needs to escape.
SIR: Maybe keep that as a last resort.
BROWN: Sir, I think one of the guards could be bribed.
SIR: Ahh. Interesting Brown, go on.
BROWN. The tall one.
SIR: Not sure which one you mean.
BROWN: The tall blonde one with the rugged manly jaw and those dreamy brown eyes.
SIR: Tall, blonde, brown eyes.
BROWN: Moist kissable lips...
THOMPSON: Great arse...
SIR: Tall, blonde, brown eyes, wet lips and, ...so bribed with what?
JONES: We could let him into our secret funfair Sir. A few rides, some candyfloss, a balloon, a go on the bouncy castle. I'm sure he'll be on our side then!
SIR: Do we have a secret funfair with rides, a candyfloss machine, balloons and a bouncy castle?
JONES: You always pick holes in my suggestions Sir. It's not fair.
SHMIDT: I could talk to him. He's mein brother in law.
SHMIDT: ...er, I mean my svorn enemy. It sounds like I said "mein brother in law" because of mein stronk Velsh accent!
SIR: We'll put it to a vote. Deep tunnel to the South, bribe the guard, or get somebody to swallow 420 men and just walk out. Okay with you all?
SIMPSON: Yes Sir.
JONES: Yes Sir.
BROWN: Yes Sir.
THOMPSON: Yes Sir.
SHMIDT: Ja, mein...er Sir.
GENERAL TALK OF VOTING FADES OUT. WE FADE BACK TO SOUNDS OF GRUNTING AND GROANING.
SIMPSON: You have to admit that Jones is pretty damn roomy Sir.
SIR: Get your elbow out my face whoever that is!
SIR: I've always said, democracy doesn't work!
SHMIDT: Just like being ont ze U-boats!
FAIRGROUND MUSIC IS HEARD.
THOMPSON: Yay, candyfloss!
BROWN: Race you!
SIMPSON: I want a blue balloon!
SOUND OF FEET RUNNING AWAY.
SIR: Oh well Shmidt. If you can't beat them, join them. Come on and I'll buy you a schnitzel and some of that sauerkraut you like.
SHMIDT: Ja, mein herr!
SIR: Don't do that.
FOOTSTEPS FADE OUT.