Quote: billwill @ 9th January 2021, 12:22 AMGappy's squetchy one
You leave my squetchy one out of this!
Quote: playfull @ 9th January 2021, 11:35 AMAnd Gappy, i think you should trade mark 'wank flavoured'
Not without a hyphen 
Quote: gappy @ 9th January 2021, 8:34 PMNot without a hyphen
That's the bit that offends you?
Here have mine - i only waste them.
In the old days, didn't the instructions say something like "please only post your entry and vote". We've stormed the capitol of that bit of governance, haven't we LOL
A: We need to make some fiscal predictions Prime Minister. Why are you hanging by a zip wire ?
B: Politics is about pizzazz. And your economicy memo mention "hanging by a thread".
A: I'm afraid we must rain in spending Sir.
B: Piffle, be positive ! One thing this great nation exceeds in, is raining. Why er, why don't we have a fire and claim it on our insurances ? How much is Burnley insured for ? People call us the Cons for good reason, we can't let the people down. [HISTOIC LOOK]
A: Well the people will need taxing by an additional fifty six billion a year Sir.
B: It is taxing, you can't expect Politicians to understand all that financial flim flamy , fiddly conundrupus stuff.
A: Sir, can you use real words ? We suggest putting two percent on income tax.
B: My Accountant the rapscallion, says he can reclaim all my taxes through a tax bus.
A: Vehicle, a tax vehicle sir.
B: Whatever, but taxes clearly won't work. We er, we need to take an amount out of everyone's earnings.
A: OK what percentage do you suggest, what fraction ?
B: Look, I and three quarters of the people I know don't understand fractions. If we needed a billion at Eaton we just had a good old wip round. Everyone puts fifty thousand in or we threw them out of the Union.
A: The average take home is less than half that figure Sir.
B: Good god man I don't want to take half of someone's home ! What good is half a home ?
A: I give up. Look you sold our bit coin reserves at a two hundred billion loss. We agreed buy low and sell high didn't we ?
B: That's exactly what I did ! I sold when I was on the summit of Mont Blanc just after beating Robert Downey Jr. in a snow snorting competition, you don't get any higher than ...[BEAT] where's he gone ? I'm joking , it's a jape like the Brexity thing. Why do people keep taking me seriously ?
BORIS FALLS TO THE FLOOR.
TRUMP IS STANDING AT A LECTURN IN THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM. IN FRONT OF THE SEATED PRESS CORP.
TRUMP: I had a dream...
PRESS 1: That's been done.
TRUMP: What?
PRESS 1: Martin Luther king did a whole speech on that subject.
TRUMP: He did?
PRESS1: It's one of the most famous and inspirational speeches ever.
TRUMP: I know, I know. He's a good guy too...
PRESS 1: Too?
TRUMP: Yes, you shouldn't run him down.
PRESS 1: I didn't...you were comparing yourself to him?
TRUMP: Look he's no Trump, but whatever...I mean what if it turns out he is black?
PRESS 2: Mr President! Martin Luther King was one of our nation's greatest orators. He was the leader of the civil rights movement. And he was as black as me.
TRUMP: ...That's what I said.
PRESS 1: ...It's nothing like...
TRUMP: As I was saying, before CNN tried to shut me down...
PRESS 1: I don't work for CNN...
TRUMP: As I was saying, I had a premonition. In fact I had two premonitions. My first was that I was going to have a premonition. So, you see my first came true, amazing! A 100% success rate. Turns out I'm really good at premonitioning, everybody knows this, they all say it. 100% success.
PRESS 2: What was it about, Mr President?
TRUMP: Well, it wasn't about you. It wasn't about your career, you don't have a career. Look this is my last time at the White House lectern...
EVERY ONE IN THE ROOM EXCITEDLY TALKS AT ONCE.
TRUMP: Or maybe not? Who knows?
PRESS 2: We know, It's definately your last appearance at the White House.
TRUMP: Or is it?
PRESS 1: Yes, it is.
TRUMP: Well, we will see.
PRESS 1: No, we won't.
TRUMP: Anyway, my premonition. Not just a good premonition, but a great premonition. This could possibly be the greatest premonition ever. Better than some old dream that guy (POINTS AT PRESS 2) once had.
PRESS 2: What!
TRUMP: So, my premonition.
PRESS 2: Do you think anyone here at the White House will miss you Mr President? Anyone?
TRUMP: Well just this morning, on my way to the press room, I saw Santos, he works in the garden here. Never been caught stealing. or anything like that. which just shows you.
PRESS 1: Your premonition Mr President? What is it about?
TRUMP: I was speaking to my good friend the head of the FBI on the phone yesterday. He said when he comes to pick me up (HE LOOKS AT HIS WATCH) right about now. That he is going to ensure I get what I deserve and I will end up exactly where I rightfully belong. So maybe I'm not done with the White House just yet...In your face dream boy (AT PRESS 2).
PRESS 2: I think you might have missunder...
TRUMP: And Santos, he was crying as he said goodbye. I will never forget his words, "Haznos un favor a todos, abre una vena" he said, then he gave me a gift (HE TAKES A ROLLED UP HANKIE OUT OF HIS POCKET).
ABOUT TEN FBI AGENTS ENTER THE ROOM
AGENT: Please come with us Mr President.
TRUMP: Ah, My friends in the FBI. I was just saying my friend Santos gave me...(HE UNROLLS THE HANKIE) I think he called it a shiv...(HE HOLDS UP A HANDMADE KNIFE).
AGENT: The perp is armed, take him down!
TRUMP IS HIT BY HALF A DOZEN TAZERS. HE SLOWLY COLAPSES BEHIND THE LECTERN.
TRUMP: (FEEBLEY) I didn't see that coming...
COACH: On the head, Gavin! Oi oi! Nice one geezer. Gather round, lads. Big game tonight, lots at stake, everything to play for.
WAYNE: What's our strategy then, boss?
COACH: Strategy? You hear this soft git, lads? He wants to know our strategy! I'll do you one better than that. How about I tell you their strategy!
WAYNE: Yeah, sure, ok...
COACH: Listen, thick-chips, I've got us some sweet intel on the oppo! 'Ere, before your very eyes - a psychic!
PSYCHIC: Yes, I am psychic. Ta-da. So, you want knowledge of the challenge you face?
COACH: Gather round, meatheads! Witchy woo, what insider goss can you divulge?
PSYCHIC: You lose.
COACH: We lose?
ERIC: Great work, boss. Great pep talk.
WAYNE: You've paid someone to spoil the match for us, and we're playing it.
COACH: Come on, that's not helpful.
PSYCHIC: How is that not helpful? You know you lose, you don't have to try so hard.
ERIC: Wayy!! Crack open the beers then!
COACH: No, no, settle down lads. She doesn't mean it, it's just a high level tactical analysis...
PSYCHIC: I get paid now?
COACH: No, not yet. Why do we lose?
PSYCHIC: They have better squad. Two psychics.
COACH: Two psychics?
PSYCHIC: One predicts what the other is going to say. Saves time.
COACH: (whispers) OK, you've got to give me some more than this, me old, er, mucker. I have to justify the extra smackeroos to the club honchos, you get the drift.
PSYCHIC: You want more info? You will give terrible post-match conference. When you lose you cry like a baby.
COACH: Just tell me what happens.
PSYCHIC: They kick a ball around a bit until you lose. I don't know the rules. I just hear songs of the future. Like you're not singing any more. If only. One nillll! One nill! That's a song?
COACH: Er...
PSYCHIC: I hear singing as cosmic anomaly. Football songs breaks all rules in known universe. How are you all so bad? You sing in the match, sing in the bar afterwards, still worst singers on the planet. [sings] 4-3-3! 4-4-2! A-haaaaa.... There is nothing you can do!
COACH: Who singing about formations?
PSYCHIC: Not all songs catch on. Doesn't mean there's no one singing it. [sings] There's a goal in the 32nd minute, singing doo wah diddy dum diddy...
COACH: Enough. Will you just shut up...
PSYCHIC: [sings] If you don't like it, well you should have put a winger on it.
WAYNE: She's out of control, boss.
PSYCHIC: [sings] Who let the goals in? You! You, you prick! Congratulations! And celebrations! When I tell everyone that free kick's indirect.
COACH: Boys, will you show her out. Like I don't have enough to deal with.
PSYCHIC: [singing, strained] Bicycle! Bicycle! He's done a bicycle! Kick.
This is awesome. It's like the old daze when we got more entries than - that's right.
Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwh.
"What a difference a period of twelve days makes", as the old song says. This was an excellent week, and it's hard to pick a winner.
I'll give my runner-up awards to playfull, whose sketch is only spoilt by the fact it's so depressingly feasible (Or is it in itself meant as a prediction?), and wwwwwh, whose work is tight and well-rounded as ever (even if I'm not convinced a psychic is the same as a clairvoyant).
My vote this time goes to Otterfox. I've always enjoyed their wild-eyed surreality, but I sometimes wish for a little more structure to their sketches. Well, this time my wish has been granted, with a very neat and conceptually sound sketch, that still retains the old Otter lunacy.
But, as I say, good week for everyone - even those confused passers-by who wandered in during the week, possibly looking for an offy.
Nice to see Otterfox posting.
Liked Gappy's 'Beverley Minster took some flushing!' not a line you hear very often?
"Confused ending, not actually clear what happens." Billwill's prediction about Trump's end of days?
Alf takes a swing at one of my favourite targets.
I had to read Michael's twice just to confirm his lower swear count - nice demonstration of the natural rhythm in his writing.
Excellent runner up for 5Wh really liked the overall idea and particularly liked the personality of the psychic.
But just edging it for me is Firkin - lots of nice lines like "How much is Burnley insured for?" and I thought you got Boris bang on.
I agree with Michael and Gappy - feels like everyone is upping their game.
Otterfox had a nicely executed sketch, even if I'm not 100% sure of the theme connection. Gappy is once again the winner for me, not least for his crystal-clear ending. A couple I largely ruled out on grounds of taste (certainly not the first time in this comp) - though I didn't really understand Michael's enough to know exactly how offensive I should find it.
Quote: wwwwwh @ 16th January 2021, 1:30 PMOtterfox had a nicely executed sketch, even if I'm not 100% sure of the theme connection. Gappy is once again the winner for me, not least for his crystal-clear ending. A couple I largely ruled out on grounds of taste (certainly not the first time in this comp) - though I didn't really understand Michael's enough to know exactly how offensive I should find it.
You're right about the theme. doubleyous. I'm normally a stickler for that, but it was so open to interpretation this week, I let it go.
Amazingly, I don't think Michael's was offensive this week. I do hope he's feeling OK.
BTW, Playfull, it wouldn't let me reply to your PM, so in short, "I agree". (For everyone else, that's a lot less exciting and mysterious than it appears, I'm sorry to say)
I've been asked to take all the swearing out of my act. Goodnight.
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 16th January 2021, 1:46 PMI've been asked to take all the swearing out of my act. Goodnight.
Once again, a throwaway post-comp gag has made me laugh more than the entries 
Thanks mate. It's one of my stand-up standby lines.