GLEN: Oh, Flossie, I didn't know you had a hamster.
FLOSS: Aaahh, little Flumpkins. I've had him a few years now - he's really getting on, the old trooper.
GLEN: Flumpkins! Can I see him?
FLOSS: Course, hang on a mo
SFX: PAUSE, THEN HORRIBLE SQUELCHY TEARING
GLEN: Oh, that's not good.
FLOSS: Not good? You just tore my hamster in half! It's definitely not good.
GLEN: That's not what I meant. It's what came out of him. These entrails, look.
FLOSS: What did you expect, a f**king Kinder surprise?
GLEN: You misunderstand, this is called haruspicy.
FLOSS: It's called ripping up my pets!
GLEN: Haruspicy is prophesying by studying the entrails of disembowelled animals. It's one of the ways I tell the future.
FLOSS: And it's completely - hang on: one of the ways?
GLEN: Oh, yes, I've got loads. There's tegemancy, which is where you chuck coasters down the toilet and see which one blocks it. It was the scenic view of the Ribblehead viaduct, incidentally.
FLOSS: Wait - you used my coasters?
GLEN: Yeah - Beverley Minster took some flushing! I also like fridgnosis, where I leave the fridge just slightly open, and see what rots first.
FLOSS: That was you that did that last week?
GLEN: Yeah. What went off? Was it the yoghurt?
FLOSS: Yes, it was the bloody yoghurt!
GLEN: I knew it! Course, that's because I'd foreseen it last Tuesday, when I kicked over your corn flakes.
FLOSS: I blamed the cat for that. I can't believe my pets are being tyrannised just for your favourite methods of divination.
GLEN: Oh, they're not my favourite. That's salvoyancy, where I study the patterns made when throwing bechamel at the Congolese chargé d'affaires. Course, that one's not always feasible. And is always illegal. That's why my spiritual guide, Swami Bartholomew, advises against using it.
SWAMI: [ETHEREAL] Hello.
FLOSS: Where did this twat come from?
GLEN: Oh, here's been there the whole time. You probably didn't notice him because he doesn't talk [BEAT] much.
GLEN: Plus, his robes really match your sofa.
FLOSS: Well, I'll tell you this, you sooth-wankers, I won't stand - what was that?
GLEN: Probably water dripping through the ceiling. That's the main downside of tegemancy, to be honest.
FLOSS: I'm calling the police!
GLEN: No, don't do that. Start by calling a plumber.
FLOSS: Wait there!
GLEN: Haven't finished my tea yet anyway. So, Swami...what do these entrails signify?
SWAMI: Ah, I feel the spirits are saying..."you will encounter strife with an old friend".
GLEN: Jesus f**k, you're good.