THE DAY OF THE DAFFIDS
By Thief of Bad Gags
INT. RADIO STUDIO: MONDAY 1ST MARCH 2021. NIGHT
F/X NEWS PROGRAMME'S JINGLE
PRIME MINISTER: So, yes, well, erm, it's with great regret my government and your government are
cancelling Mothers Day. Have a jolly mother by keeping her out of the garden until we get the poison
we desperately need and remember we must keep our vases empty.
JEREMY WHINE: That was a stark message to the nation from the Prime Minister Boris Johnson
about the escalating crisis of the DAFFID-21 virus.
Good evening, I'm Jeremy Whine and you are listening to the seven o'clock news here on Radio
Universe.
F/X A LITTLE JINGLE
Two hours ago at a special press briefing the Prime Minister warned the nation about the spread of
Daffodils. They are flowering everywhere, in gardens, houses and even on grass verges. Their bright
colours are causing blindness and the government chief scientists are urging the public to wear
sunglasses even when they go to bed.
Health secretary Matt Hancock said the government are doing everything within their power to get
this under control. This is what the Health Secretary had to say at this evening's press briefing.
MATT HANCOCK: We are doing everything we can to give our Tory party donors the money to fight
the war against the Daffodils. We urge everyone to protect themselves and their love ones by
protecting their eyes. This government is in contact with our Florida go between and we
have given him one and half billion pounds for 100 pairs of sunglasses and has I speak they are being
shipped to England on one of our former Transport secretary Chris Grayling's Brexit ferry.
JEREMY WHINE: There are many questions being asked about DAFFID-21 which has left the
government needing answers. The government therefore turned to Professor Neil Ferguson a
professor of mathematical biology. Ferguson 53 had made a model projection on the back of a fag
packet and pinpointed the outbreak from a garden in Rotherham, South Yorkshire.
We now go live to Rotherham and to our reporter, Kate Barley.
KATE BARLEY: Thank you Jeremy. (Excited) I'm reporting from ground zero and I am only two
hundred yards from the garden of sixty two Bell End here in Rotherham. The police have cordoned
off the area and all the houses in the vicinity have now been evacuated. I don't know if you can hear
the police sirens Jeremy. . . can you hear that?
JEREMY WHINE: No we can't Kate, what is it, are you at a party?
KATE BARLEY: Hold on I'll try and hold my microphone closer . . .
F/X SHARP SQUEAK THEN THUDDING
There, can you hear it now?
WOW! Jeremy, It's a helicopter. Exciting really. Anyway, we've received a statement from South
Yorkshire police saying that the owner of the garden Mr Gary Horsesheet has been arrested and
taken into custody for further questioning. From where I'm standing you can't actually see the
Daffodils due to the bright light they are emitting and Mr Horsesheet's house is radiating a bright
yellow glow. It is so bright I'm having to protect my eyes with welding goggles.
There are now fears more Daffodils have already spread to neighbouring gardens and the police are
urging people to stay indoors.
This is Kate Barley for the seven o'clock news at the Bell End
JEREMY WHINE: Professor Furguson's fag packet modelling of the pandemic has predicted millions
of people will have their eyesight irreversibly damaged which has prompted the government to take
immediate action.
The Prime Minister Boris Johnson has now put the whole country into lockdown. This is what the
Health Secretary had to say.
MATT HANCOCK: We are searching for a poison and we are hoping a Boxford/AstraVecta poison will
be rolled out soon, but more tests are needed to make sure they are safe. I am told they are working
flat out to help us in our hour of need so we can once again hug and enjoy our gardens.
As from today, all grass verges, waste grounds and railway side banking's will now be tested. We
can't stress this enough that if your garden has any symptoms for the virus you must get it
tested immediately.
JEREMY WHINE: Breaking News just in ....)
Reports are coming in there are Daffodils on the bankings of the M1 near Bolsover, Derbyshire.
There is now a twenty mile tailback in both directions. News has just come in that the Derbyshire
Police commissioner has said if the police can't keep the motorway running it will be his Bolsover the
castle.
Meanwhile the government's chief scientific advisor Chris Whitty had this to say at the press briefing
CHRIS WHITTY: If I can show you the next slide? (Pause) As you can see the graph shows you when
the Daffodils started flowering, which was by the end of February and the data shows today the virus
has multiplied ten fold. Our data shows the Daffodils will flower exponentially to Christmas. So
we must all protect our eyes until a poison is available to us all.
JEREMY WHINE: The virus has also reached Ireland. Irish Prime Minister Micheal Martin has put
Ireland into Lockdown plus a firebreak and banned all Taffys, but 24 hours later he had to do a U
turn when it was pointed out to him that it was the Daffys and not the Taffys. In retaliation Wales has
cancelled all trade with Ireland.
Over in Scotland first minister Nicola Sturgeon has closed the Scottish border and this is what she
had to say at her emergency press briefing.
NICOLA STURGEON.: These are worrying times for Scotland, not only for myself, but for the wee
Scottish Thistle. The Thistle is the true symbol of Scotland after myself of course.
So it's with regret I must protect it at all costs and to prevent the English Daffodils invading Scotland
and exterminating our country's national symbol.
So today, I have made the decision to close the border with England and because Scotland
leads the world we will go one better than the English, a one upmanship if you like and that is not
only will Mothers Day cease to go ahead, but Fathers Day also.
JEREMY WHINE: Nicola Sturgeon there.
F/X A RUSTLE OF PAPERS
(Pause to build up tension) The cabinet and scientific advisors attended a Cobra meeting this
morning and the Prime Minister had this to say.
BORIS JOHNSON: I've seen the predictions from the Proff and I can tell you it doesn't look spiffing.
So we all must keep up a stiff upper lip because that's what we Brits do, erm not the piffing Scots of
course.
Therefore, this government, a Tory government, that's us, we are setting up two emergency
hospitals one here in London of course and one in the North, where ever that may be?. They will be
known has the Stevie Wonder and the Ray Charles hospitals after those, erm, yes, you know, those
erm wonderful English nurses from the eighteen hundreds.
JEREMY WHINE: Stirring words indeed from the Prime Minister.
The spread of the Daffodils has seriously effected the economy.
The Chancellor of the exchequer Rishi Sunak has introduced a furlough system to protect jobs and
has pumped billions of pounds into the economy. Not everyone was happy though. We sent our
reporter Julia Hartley Brewery to a bakery shop in Rotherham and she spoke to the owner Mrs
Appletart.
We must warn you there are flashing words in this interview.
BREWERY: Mrs Appletart, you say you are not happy that your shop has been ordered to close.
MRS APPLETART: (Angry) No I'm not. We are a bakery shop, so can someone explain to those thick
twats in government the difference between flower and flour. It's disgusting what they are doing to
us small independent bakers, we are goin t' wall.
BREWERY: So you don't believe the Prime Minister is doing a good job through this pandemic?
MRS APPLETART: Is he heckers like. In fact I'm sure I speak for all the bakery shops up and down
country that if he was ever to set foot in my shop he would get a french stick up his fat arse.
JEREMY WHINE: (Silence). . .Erm. . .we seem to have lost Julie Hartley Brewery there.
So, that brings us to the end of this news programme. I'm sure you will agree it's been quite an
eventful day the likes we've never experienced before.
I'm Jeremy Whine and you've been listening to the seven o'clock news here on the fabulous Radio
Universe. Have a good evening.
F/X NEWS PROGRAMME'S JINGLE