C**tgtasulazioningd to wwwwwwwwwh and Playfull for shingling. PM me with a new slut sposa please. Meanwhereas...
Next slapperjack: Fear (chosen by Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwh).
Leg closed: 19.12.20
Runners are nowt...
Score Position Name
11 1 Wwwwh
9 2 Gappy
6 3 Playfull
1 4 Me...
Last week was a tie between me and Playfull, I think? 3 each. I've only jumped ahead an extra point because I was owed one from the previous round.
Yeah. I have f**ked up yet again. Clean up time.
Hopefully you can all see a picture here, if I've not cocked it up.
Fear of offensive language (golly!)... So as the BBC pulls harder than a priest during Grange Hill, we lose our greatest sitcoms: Fawlty Towers, Blackadder, Robin's Nest... Any sitcom reference is now a no no, or a nein nein, auf Wiedersehen pet. That's goodnight sweetheart, not 'allo 'allo but cheers to happy days and the good life and good times, my friends, golden girls and bosom buddies... As time goes by I wonder, years after years, how the ratings rose, Anne, by 'alf. They rise in damp and the thick of it: the bottom thin blue line is, everyone loves Raymond and I love Lucy and I dream of Jeannie. I lav 'er 'n' surely, my three sons all in the family - my family, the royal family - should be two and a half men or two point four children, cos three's company. What an odd couple, but father knows best how I met your mother and two broke girls.
Dinner, ladies? Are you being served, young ones? Absolutely fabulous bread and butter flies so gimme gimme gimme porridge, mash and the last of the summer wine. Hand coq to Ellen... Missed 'er bean? Missed 'er, Ed? Sorry! Try different strokes, Brit ass chef! I like Lee, lads: I own Lee, fools, and hoarse is me (cough). Sorry! Scrubs that out. Yes, Minister! Farther, Ted! Not going out on the buses to the manor Borne? Or still game? Go in straight. Step toe and, son, inbetween us, Gavin and Stacey, I don't mind your language. But Alice, I mind 'er. And Shelley... Not 'is fault 'e towers off-is shitty Zen, Smith.
Good night, court. And - whatever happened to the likely lads?
THE OLD WAR
INT: A FOOTBALL AND SPORT MEMORABILIA SHOP CALLED THE
"UP THE ANNUALS"
DAY: BAZ WHO IS IN HIS MID SIXTIES STANDS BEHIND THE SHOP'S
COUNTER.
DOUGIE WHO IS IN HIS MID TWENTIES ENTERS THE SHOP FROM
BEHIND WORN RED CURTAINS WITH TWO MUGS OF TEA
DOUGIE: Why can't we have an electric kettle, I've burnt mi chuffin hand agen
with that gas one
BAZ: (Not looking up and nods in the direction of the novelty stand)
Use Bruce Grobbelaar's oven gloves over there.
DOUGIE: (shakes his head and places two 2012 London Olympic mugs of tea on
the counter and rubs his fingers)
BAZ: It never burns my hand
DOUGIE: How come?
BAZ: I always get you to brew (Chuckles)
DOUGIE: (Shakes his head. Looks at what Baz is writing)
Baz, have ya. . .
BAZ: Not now Dougie lad I'm in the delicate situation of doing the accounts
DOUGIE: What on the back of a fag packet?
BAZ: Our creditors don't much care what it is written on as long as they are
paid. Anyway 007 paper is too expensive
DOUGIE: 007?
BAZ: Aye, Basildon Bond paper
DOUGIE : (tuts and rolls his eyes) A fag packet? It's not very professional is it?
BAZ: It's a tried and proved method ever since God was in shorts so why
change it?
DOUGIE: Baz (sighs) We're in the modern age now.
(pulls out his mobile phone and shakes it)
What we need is Speedy Books
BAZ: (grunts) Nar, the old ways are the best (holds up a small biro and taps
his temple with his index finger)
You and your fads. What you need Dougie is a fads packet
(laughs at his own joke)
Fads packet, do ya get it?
DOUGIE: Har har. (Points to his phone and around the shop) look at this place,
it's not up to date.
BAZ: Gordon Banks, of cause it's not up to date it's a football and sports
memorabilia shop if you've already forgotten. If it was up to date it
wouldn't be memorabilia
DOUGIE: What I meant was, we can have new technology running side by side
with the old.
We can have laptops, mobile phones and Speedy Books not biros from
the bookie's and fag packets. This shop is still in the dark ages
BAZ: (scribbles something down) Nice one, you've just reminded me the
leccie bill needs paying
DOUGIE: No, no, look, Speedy Books is an app you have on your phone and it
works out all your income and expenditure and keeps all your finances
up to date and it alerts you when a payment is due.
BAZ: We've got that already, it's called the bailiffs
DOUGIE: (Undeterred) I've seen it advertised on the telly
BAZ: Side by side with the MacDonald's advert no doubt.
DOUGIE: (holding out his palms) It's Saint and Greavsie, Baz
BAZ: It well maybe easy for you, but we're not having one.
(Lifts his mug to his mouth)
DOUGIE: (Plays his trump card)
I bet Mavis down at Botherham's ticket office has got some good apps?
BAZ: (Spurts tea out of his mouth) Well I know that to be true I've seen them
and their very nice apps too (chuckles)
DOUGIE: You're scared aren't you?
BAZ: Well, wouldn't you be with those apps
DOUGIE: Look, the only thing we have to fear. . . is fear itself.
KFC
(Lifts his mug to his mouth)
BAZ: (laughs) Not KFC ya daft tub of lard it's JFK
Anyway it was president Theodore Roosevelt who said it, didn't they
teach you owt at school?
( waves his hand at him)
The answer is no, I'm not having anyone knowing our business
especially the Russians
DOUGIE: (spurts tea out) Russians?
BAZ Aye those Ruskies. Never to be trusted, they have their fingers in
everyone's pies
(stares down at Dougie's belly) not your pies of cause Dougie lad
they've no chance of that (chuckles)
DOUGIE: (Pushing his thick set glasses up his nose)
Oh Baz you're such a tool the Russians wont want to have an
interest in this shop.
BAZ: They're not going to. Look what they did, they only went and made
Trump the president of the United States. Imagine what they could do
with this shop. No thanks I'll stick with my fag packets.
Hey! I wonder if the Ruskies can put in a new manager in at
Botherham United? Oh lord, we need one the way the our results are
going.
DOUGIE: (dramatising) Oh yeah I can just visualise it now in the Kremlin.
(A poor Russian accent)
A Russian intelligence briefing.
"President Putin, we have cracked the fag packet enigma code and
we have the names of the 1972 FA cup final and we know the where
about of the plastic tits used by Gazza in Euro 96 it is in a bomb proof
glass cabinet in the 'Up The Annuals' memorabilia shop )
BAZ: Hey! You leave those tits alone.
DOUGIE: (Raises both hands up to chest height)
Never touched them
(Realises both hands are up and then lowers them)
BAZ: Anyway now I'm on the subject of a pair tits. You and your mate
Chewbacca don't know what secrets ya giving away on those fangled
things of yours? Mind you I don't think the Ruskies will like that music
you play all day.
DOUGIE: For your information Baz, it's Spotify. Anyway it's better than that
eighties Amstrad record player we've got over there.
BAZ: Well I always spot the fly on those deposits you leave in the Wembley
karzi every morning. Regular has clock work you are.
DOUGIE: sshhhh Baz (Looks to see no one is listening)
don't say that, the Russians maybe listening in and start bombing
tomorrow (laughs)
BAZ-: Gor-don Banks, I wish you'd stop bombing
F/X THE CUCKOO CLOCK ON THE WALL CLUNKS INTO LIFE ON THE HOUR.
INSTEAD OF A CUCKOO SHOOTING OUT IT HAS BEEN REPLACED BY A
SUBBUTEO FOOTBALL PLAYER. IT SHOOTS BACK IN AND THE DOORS
CLOSE.THE SHOP FALLS SILENT AGAIN
DOUGIE: (dramatising) look Baz
(points to the door)
Out there is the new world and that new world can come through that
door and help our shop run more ifish. . . Ifsh . . . fish. . .
BAZ: Efficiently (takes another sip from the mug)
DOUGIE: Better.
Just imagine the new entering our shop at this very moment and . . .
F/X DOOR BELL RINGS AND DOOR SLOWLY OPENS AND AN OLD
MAN ENTERS WEARING A RAIN MAC AND A RED AND WHITE
SCARF COVERED IN FOOTBALL BADGES
OLD MAN: Hey up lads has any new badges come in?
BAZ: (Spurts tea out.) Oh it's the new alright it's Sam Sung 77
(laughs uncontrollably and falls below the counter)
DOUGIE: (drops his head into his hands)
Oh God I give up
KID 1: Ooh, can we go on this, Daddy?
DAD: It's called the flying ghost ship of agonising torture. I think this might be a bit too scary for you.
KID 2: Oh, please Daddy!
DAD: Just a moment. Excuse me, is there an age restriction on this?
OPERATOR: Nah, we don't give a toss. Hop on.
KIDS: Yay!
[GRAMS: CREAKING OF MACHINERY, ROLLERCOASTER NOISES]
APPARITION: Woo! Strap in, as we board the flying ghost ship of agonising torture, the scariest experience of your lives!
KIDS: Oooh!
APPARITION: Please check your seatbelt is fastened tight! Though also be sure that in checking, you don't accidentally unfasten it and plunge to your death! Ah ha ha!
KIDS: Arghhh!
SPECTRE: This ride is haunted! By the ghosts of the children who died on this ride... due to criminal negligence!
DAD: That seems inappropriate.
APPARITION: Our safety grade is "medium". Whoa-hah-hah!
SPECTRE: The operator is a functioning alcoholic! This is my last day and I have nothing to lose!
DAD: Pretty scary, right, kids?
APPARITION: Things are about to get even scarier!
KIDS: Yaaaaaaaah!
SPECTRE: You will die... alone... in a care home without regular visitation!
APPARITION: Your facebook posts aren't as funny as you think they are!
SPECTRE: It's been too long since you last had your boiler serviced!
DAD: [shivers]
SPECTRE: Maybe you'll never pay off that credit card debt.
APPARITION: Maybe you're too old to be hanging out with Karen.
SPECTRE: Maybe your wife suspects.
KID: Who's Karen?
DAD: Oh... just a friend.
SPECTRE: Immigrants are coming to steal your job.... and to get benefits they shouldn't be entitled to.
APPARITION: Here's a complementary copy of the Daily Mail.
DAD: No kids! Avert your eyes!
[FX: EVERYTHING WINDS DOWN]
KIDS: Yaaaaay! Again! Again!
DAD: No, I think that'll do for now.
OPERATOR: Would you like to buy one of these photos, sir?
DAD: No, thanks, I'll skip... wait, how did you get that picture of me and Karen?
OPERATOR: £50 and we'll say no more about it.
DAD: Bargain.
THE JOB CENTRE. SITTING AT A DESK IS 'WORK COACH' BOB. A MAN APPROACHES.
BOB: (LOOKING UP) Ah, Mr Laggard Wastrel, my favourite customer. Please take a seat.
LAGGARD: You are in a good mood Bob (HE TAKES AN ANTI-BACTERIA TRIGGER SPRAY FROM HIS BAG AND SPRAYS THE CHAIR).
BOB: Well I'm hoping to hear some good news.
LAGGARD: Good news? (HE WIPES DOWN THE CHAIR WITH PAPER TISSUES).
BOB: I am hoping the job trial at the restaurant went well?
LAGGARD: (SITS) Well you were right, it wasn't too big...
BOB: So, no Agoraphobia?
LAGGARD: And it wasn't too small...
BOB: No Claustrophobia then?
LAGGARD: No, all good.
BOB: And the restaurant faced south so no chance of seeing the Aurora and setting off your Auroraphobia?
LAGGARD: And they not only took crabs off the menu as promised...
BOB: Your Kabourophobia?
LAGGARD: ...they also stopped serving shell-fish in general.
BOB: Ostraconophobia, who even knew that was a thing?
LAGGARD: Apparently you did. They said you had Persuaded them to remove quite a lot of potential phobic triggers...
BOB: I just called in a few favours. After all I know just how keen you are to get a job. For years now we have tried to find suitable, gainful, employment for you. Only to be thwarted by one rare phobia after another.
LAGGARD: I appreciate the effort, I really do. As I have often said, It is a dream that both I and my father before me had. To be able to give an honest day's labour for an honest day's pay.
BOB: And did your father succeed in finding a job?
LAGGARD: Alas no. He too was afflicted with these damn debilitating phobias.
BOB: Well at least we have finally found a job that you...
LAGGARD: Novinophobia.
BOB: What?
LAGGARD: Novinophobia...A fear of running out of wine.
BOB: You were working in the cloak room. It makes no sense.
LAGGARD: That's the thing about irrational fears, they are irrational. Same time next week ok?
INT. A BUSY CHILDRENS HOSPITAL WARD - DAY
10 YEAR OLD EMILY HAS RECENTLY BEEN WHEELED INTO HER OWN ROOM
OUTSIDE HER ROOM
DOCTOR: How was she with going into an isolation unit?
NURSE: We made it sound as fun as we could but to be honest she's very worried by all these monitors and tubes and doesn't want to be separated from her friends in the ward. I think she's quite scared by the sudden change in surroundings.
DOCTOR: Okay, thank you. Maybe we can set up a special visit from someone we know later to cheer her up and put her ease?
NURSE: Yes, he's still in the building, I believe.
DOCTOR: Good, it's going to help her treatment if we can get her comfortable and settled before we attach everything. We don't want her to be frightened of the apparatus that's making her better. If you can get him gowned up, he knows the routine.
NURSE: Okay, I'll put a call out for him.
NURSE ENTERS ROOM
Hello Emily, how are you feeling. my luv?
EMILY: Hmm I don't like the look of all these machines. Do I have to be in here on my own?
NURSE: Yes luv, just for a few days until you're better. We need to make sure you don't pick up anything harmful from anyone else, you see. And you don't want to be scared of these machines, they are your friends Emily, they're going to keep you topped up with all the medicine you need to make you well again. As soon as they've done their thing you can go back to your friends on the ward and then go home again. How's that?
EMILY: Hmm, I suppose so. Are you sure they're not going to hurt?
NURSE: No, not a bit. We'll do everything to make you as comfortable as possible, and you see this little button here, whenever you need us you just press that and we'll be in to see you're alright. Okay?
EMILY: Erm, yes okay, I feel a bit better now.
NURSE: That's good, and as a treat for being so brave, we've got a very special friend of the hospital popping in to see you later. You might recognise him from TV.
EMILY: Oh wow!
LATER THAT EVENING
A VISITOR IN STERILISED GOWN AND MASK STANDS NEXT TO NURSE AS SHE KNOCKS ON ROOM DOOR AND OPENS IT
NURSE: Hello, Emily my luv. I have a special visitor here to see you, he wants to tell you how brave you are!
VISITOR: Not many! ENTERS ROOM ON HIS OWN Goodness gracious, what have we here? Who is this pretty young thing I see before me? Ah, it's young Emily! Now then, now then, what's Uncle Jimmy got for you?!
EMILY: Er...
VISITOR: Ow's about that then? Urrrwoooourrrwooooourrrwoooourrrwooooo -
EMILY: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SFX: Buzzzzzzzzzz Buzzzzzzzzzz Buzzzzzzzzzz
A late surge. Like Dracula wanking.
Playfull.
Playfull for me.
I really like some of Michael's wordplay ("Love 'er 'n' surely"!), but I'm not convinced it really fits the theme. Both Playfull and wwwwwh turned in pleasingly neat and tidy sketches, but I find that on this Saturday afternoon I'm not in the mood for that. Arbitrary, I appreciate, but you have to listen to your comedy heart. So, my vote this week goes to the Thief, for the very gentle opening scene to a 1982 sit com.
Hello from Rotherham, (Waving) our vote goes to Playfull.
I commend Gappy for reminding us entries can take different forms, that one strong gag can stand alone, but mostly for picking on cats..
Michaels effort was absolutely fabulous, and interesting for the young ones, those with one foot in the grave, as well as the inbetweeners...
I assume Gappy was right and the thief's entry was a sit com pilot, with a much higher ratio of good gags than I can ever manage in my posts...
Wwwwww, I really liked the idea of this, loved the 'scare' element coming from what was said not the ride. I got a little confused with the operater, the apparition and spectre. I thought one would have worked...
Alf...I am trying to think of a show this could be used on...nope I can't think of one...Frankie Boyle?
In the meantime if anyone knows where JS is buried I would like to organise a Jolly boys outing to piss on his grave. ...
And I go for wwwww for the concept