British Comedy Guide

Sportyposhsportygingersportybabysportyscary 15 - 23.11.20

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 15th November 2020, 12:56pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,375 posts

Yes. C**tgtasulazioningd to Playfull for shingling. PM myself with a new slut please. Meanwhereas...
Next slapperjack: Accident (chosen by Wwwh) or Translation (chosen by Gappy).
Leg closed: 23.11.20
Runners are nowt...
Score Position Name
5 1 Gappy
4 2 Wwwwh
3 3 Playfull
1 4 Me

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gappy

  • Monday 16th November 2020, 8:41pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,078 posts

ANNOUNCER: And, now on Radio 4 That's Been Translated Into Swedish And Then Back Again For Some Reason, it's time for vintage comedy with another episode of Father's Forces.

GRAMS: INSTRUMENTAL OF DAD'S ARMY THEME

SINGER: [IN KEY, BUT A NEW, IF SIMILAR, MELODY] Why don't you pull the other one, Herr Fuhrer, Britain isn't beaten yet.

MAINWARING: That, assembled voluntary personnel, was a notably sub-par rendition of pre-rehearsed military manoeuvres. At current velocity, if Gerald were to initiate an offensive incursion, the town of Surfing-Warmington would capitulate with rapidity.

PIKE: Chief Dragoon Mainwaring.

MAINWARING: What is it, Confidential Riverfish?

PIKE: I have received maternal advice that I may not engage in conflict preparation unless I sport a woollen neck covering - ask Arturo, the sibling of a parent.

MAINWARING: Male child of low intelligence.

JONES: Accreditation for orality, leader?

MAINWARING: Name the concern, non-lethal Jones.

JONES: We should proffer the chilled iron-carbon alloy, sir! Internal elevation is anathema to those people. Rescind alarum! Rescind alarum.

MAINWARING: Jones, create less sound.

GODFREY: Might I be exonerated?

FRASER: Negatively pre-ordained, we're universally negatively pre-ordained!

HODGES: Oi, Monsieur Buonaparte! Extinguish said luminescence! Whoa - wooooooah!

SFX: HODGES FALLING OFF A LADDER OR SOMESUCH

GRAMS: INSTRUMENTAL OF DAD'S ARMY THEME

ANNOUNCER: [CHUCKLING TO SELF] And join us tomorrow for another classic comedy series from the archives, with Diminutive Kingdom.

DAFFYD: I embody this rural colony's sole instance of homosexuality.

VICKI: Affirmative although negative although affirmative although negative [REPEAT TO FADE]

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Thief Of Bad Gags

  • Saturday 21st November 2020, 11:16am [Edited]
  • Rotherham, United Kingdom
  • 155 posts

ACCIDENTS 4 U

EXT. DAY. OUTSIDE A SUPERMARKET. A SALES REP STANDS BY HIS

SMALL WOODEN STALL WITH A HANDFUL OF LEAFLETS

F/X. SHOPPERS WALKING AND TALKING. SHOPPING TROLLEYS

REP: Excuse me, can I interest you in taking out an accident plan?

WOMAN: I think my husband's beat you to it, love

REP: Oh yeah sorry, silly me. Well, you could always take out another one?

WOMAN: No thanks darling, what with five kids at home and this one on the way

I've had more than enough accidents and anyway you're not my type

(Woman waddles away. He shrugs his shoulders and turns and bumps into a

man and falls to the ground)

REP: (Looking up) Can I interest you in taking out an accident plan, sir?

MAN: (Annoyed) Will you look where you are going?

REP: (Gets to his feet and pushes a leaflet into the man's hand)

Accidents 4 U protects you from those big nasty accidents.

With our £3 monthly payment package you will be fully protected.

MAN: Rubbish

REP: (Undeterred) For less than the price of a cup of a Moon Bucks

coffee you will receive a prop every month that will immunise

you from those BIG accidents

MAN: Prop? Look pal, there's more chance of me taking out your accident

plan than a grand piano landing on me from a great height

REP: It maybe a banana skin, a roller skate or a bar

of soap

MAN: Aye well, you'll be getting a prop alright, my FIST if you don't move out of

my way

REP: (Not giving in) Well sir, I can see you are interested. For an example, you

will receive a banana skin and by following our simple instructions, you place

the skin on the ground and you step on it which will causes you to land on

your backside.

MAN: Don't talk bloody daft. You'll be on YOUR backside if you don't

move out of my way (Tries to move on)

REP: (Blocks his way)

That banana skin and other little accidents combined will build up your

immune system AND all those little accidents will protect you from the big

bad accident

MAN: (Scoffs) Ha, that's balderdash

REP: (Opens the leaflet)

Sir, ( punching the leaflet with his index finger)

Accidents 4 U has been scientifically tested in laboratory conditions and

has been proven to shield you from those nasty big accidents ninety five

percent of the time where our competitors can only guarantee ninety

percent. So, you see, it is worth taking ours out

MAN: (Angry) I'm going to take you out

(Pushes Rep to one side) Out of my way you idiot

F/X A SCUFFLE. THE REP FALLS INTO HIS WOODEN ADVERTISING

STALL. WOOD BREAKING.

FX FOOTSTEPS FADING, FALLING WHISTLE SOUND. CLANG, A PIANO

LANDS ON THE MAN. BROKEN PIANO KEY NOTES

FX: WOODEN BOARDS BEING REMOVED

REP: (Gets out of the tangled advertising stall and climbs to his feet and brushes

himself down)

(Disdain) That didn't play too well

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Firkin

  • Sunday 22nd November 2020, 3:29pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 1,014 posts

Translation.

T: Examples of successful dyslexics in business include Richard Brandson , Alan Sugar and our very own Coco Smith. She was a student here in the 80's and has kindly penned a key notes speech I will now read. [READING] When I got the invite for this talk I thought this is suspicious.

COCO: Auspicious.

T: Sorry, Auspicious. [READING] I was hoping I didn't have to water brown plants today...

COCO: ...wear brown pants today.

T: ...because I am nervous . From a young age I wanted to build Batley's largest network of whorehouse , packed full of hopping tarts.

COCO: Network of warehouses packed full of shopping carts !

T: When I first started in business it was scary, I kept daily dihoreaha , it helped point out what foods to stock and what to dump.

COCO: I kept a daily diary. Who keeps dihoreaha ?

T: We sold poetry which was smashing, so we discontinued it.

COCO: [IRATE] Pottery, the pottery kept smashing !

T: We also had a problem with faintings of people, that got damaged.

COCO: ...paintings of people. Can't you at least guess what I'm trying to say ?

T: Listen Charlie Coco Caracus, I'm only reading out what you've written. You think you're a big cheese, well you're just a baby bell to me. I will continue [READING] Eventually the competition was alliterated

COCO: Obliterated.

T: Some thought this was a pigment...

COCO: figment

T: ...of their imaginations. But the competition failed. In business you need to be good at problem solving so you need to be good at C**tdown

COCO: [IRATE] Countdown !

T: We were always increasing efficiencies for example we were the first warehouse in Bately to have indoor laboratories.

COCO: Lavatories.

T: In closing, running your own business gives you high static and health.

COCO: High status and wealth.

T: But get it wrong and it can be very productive.

COCO: Destructive !

T: [TO THE ROOM] Any questions for Coco ?
[CUT TO PRIMARY SCHOOL CHILDREN ALL SAT AT THEIR DESKS, ONE WITH HER HAND IN THE AIR]

CHILD: Miss what's a whorehouse ?

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playfull

  • Monday 23rd November 2020, 10:44pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,858 posts

THE WHITEHOUSE OVAL OFFICE. TRUMP ENTERS WITH IVANKA.

IVANKA: Dad you have to face facts, you lost, it's over...

TRUMP: I lose when I choose sweetie, not a moment earlier.

IVANKA: But I don't see what you are trying to achieve.

TRUMP: I know, you have to trust me.

IVANKA: And you have to trust me Dad. You are risking the Brand, please listen to us.

TRUMP: Says the women who chose Gerald Kushner to father her children.

IVANKA: Its Jared, not Gerald. What's that on your desk?

THEY BOTH LOOK AT THE PRESIDENTS DESK. SITTING ON THE DESK IS SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN A HMV STYLE WIND UP RECORD PLAYER, WITH A TRUMPET SPEAKER AND THE GLASS VALVED INNERDS OF A 1950's TV.

TRUMP: I have no idea.

THEY CAUTIOUSLY APPROACH THE DESK. IVANKA PICKS UP A CARD AND READS.

IVANKA: It is from the Smithsonian. 'The Edison truth translator also known as the TETT.'

TRUMP: Edison? Didn't he invent the Edison light bulb?

EVERY TIME THE TETT SPEAKS THE VALVES FLASH DIMLEY.

TETT: Incorrect. The Edison Light bulb was invented by Donald Trump.

TRUMP: I did not know that. It does sound like something I might do though.

TETT: It is.

TRUMP: What?

TETT: It is something you might do. You did do it.

TRUMP: Well I am a genius; a lot of very smart people tell me I am a genius.

IVANKA: Thomas Edison invented the Edison lightbulb in 1879. That's over half a century before you were born.

TETT: Fake news!

TRUMP: Yes! I knew it was.

IVANKA: You couldn't have done it!

TRUMP: And they said I couldn't build the wall.

IVANKA: And you didn't.

TETT: Fake news. The wall is built and working brilliantly.

TRUMP: Ivanka it is called a truth translator machine for a reason.

IVANKA: There are hundreds of miles of no wall.

TETT: That is the section Gerald Crotchless is in charge of building.

IVANKA: It's not Gerald!

TRUMP: You can't argue with a truth machine Ivanka.

TETT: Correct Mr President.

IVANKA: This is like trying to argue with Donald Jr and Eric.

TETT: You should rely on Donald Jr and Eric more Mr President.

IVANKA: Wait a minute.

TRUMP: This is a great machine.

TETT: Yes, Mr President And together we can overturn the election results.

TRUMP: We can?

(IVANKA EXAMINES THE TETT CLOSELY)

TETT: First you need to sack Gerald Crotch licker and Mad Mayor Julie.

TRUMP: This is a Great machine. Every home should have one.

(IVANKA FINDS A WIRE AND FOLLOWS IT FROM THE TETT TOWARDS THE FRENCH WINDOWS INTO THE GARDEN)

IVANKA: (SHOUTS) Don, Eric I want a word...!

TETT: (TWO VOICES) Run, she's coming...Dad!

(IVANKA PULLS THE WIRE FROM THE TETT AND FOLLOWS IT OUT OF THE FRENCH WINDOWS AS THE TETT SWITCHES OFF)

TRUMP: (WATCHES HER GO. HE STANDS NEXT TO THE TETT) So, how are we going to overturn the election? (PAUSE) Thinking about it eh? (LONGER PAUSE) Take your time....We have got till the 21st of January...

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wwwwwh

  • Monday 23rd November 2020, 11:59pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 14 posts

GEOFF: Hey, is this A&E?

FLORENCE: Half right! This is A.

GEOFF: Eh?

FLORENCE: That's right, A.

GEOFF: There must be some mistake.

FLORENCE: There certainly has or you wouldn't be here!

GEOFF: What?

FLORENCE: The A&E department is long gone! What with too many people coming in with "accidents", and taking the time away from the real emergencies. So now we have the emergency department.

GEOFF: That's what I'm looking for...

FLORENCE: And the accident department. Which is us, Alexander.

GEOFF: It's not Alexander, it's Geoff.

FLORENCE: Oh right, I am sorry. I want to make it very clear that I did not do that deliberately.

GEOFF: I never said you... Look, I demand to see a doctor now!

FLORENCE: All in good time.

GEOFF: No, I want to be seen right away! This is what I pay my taxes for.

FLORENCE: Oh really? And what is your profession?

GEOFF: I'm a tax avoidance specialist.

FLORENCE: Let me show you around. So this is Dave, he addressed a birthday card to himself instead of his niece.

GEOFF: You call that an accident?

FLORENCE: Well I don't think he did it on purpose, do you? Yes, Sharon, take him through to the tipex ward, I'll be in to see him shortly. Then Steve here spilt red wine on the carpet. We think it's for his own good that he stays here for a while. Until he's ready to look after himself again, you know what I mean? Now over here, we have the fat finger ward. This is all people who liked a racist post on Twitter, or butt-dialled their boss from the pub at lunchtime, that kind of thing. This poor gentleman accidentally sexted his wife. It's really quite serious, it could take some weeks to recover. And finally Jack here was in a fire.

GEOFF: Shouldn't he be in the other place?

FLORENCE: Oh, but he didn't get burned, but instead of leaving by the emergency exit like everyone else, he left by an accidental exit, which was a third floor door above a bale of hay, and landed on his head. He belongs to us now.

GEOFF: Do you have a department for accidents that weren't your fault?

FLORENCE: Haha, no, but we do have the "I told you so ward" for mothers to come in and berate their idiot sons. And then over here we have unplanned pregnancies, incontinence, and finally there's palliative care, for the terminally accident-prone. Anyway, you've not told me what's wrong with you. Why are you here?

GEOFF: Well, what it is, you see, is I can't stop myself from hallucinating ridiculous scenarios in a desperate bid for attention.

FLORENCE: Oh, I see. Well in that case, why don't you just push off home, you tedious git.

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gappy

  • Tuesday 24th November 2020, 10:31am [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,078 posts

Very good work from Firkin and Playfull, coming close to snaffling my vote, but I think I'll have to plump for wwwwwh again (not least because I can only assume his user name was an accident ;) ).

Incidentally, and boringly, lots of acute hospitals now refer to an Emergency Dept, not A&E, to deter people who have had an accident that might be best managed through a Minor Injuries Unit, so the sketch is pleasingly accurate.

Also, no Michael, for like the second time in a decade! Something something entry something.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 24th November 2020, 10:49am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,375 posts

Yeah, I've been busy doing online gigs, trying to find work and jerking off to Mel C. Priorities.
Gappy again.

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wwwwwh

  • Tuesday 24th November 2020, 10:30pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 14 posts

Point to Gappy for his take on Pappy's House Meeting, or whatever that was. And for explaining my sketch to me :)

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gappy

  • Wednesday 25th November 2020, 8:08am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,078 posts
Quote: wwwwwh @ 24th November 2020, 10:30 PM

Point to Gappy for his take on Pappy's House Meeting, or whatever that was. And for explaining my sketch to me :)

Laughing out loud

I am guilty of gagsplaining - OED word of the year 2021?

I know Pappy's but am not familiar with House Meeting. A spin-off from Flatshare, I presume.

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wwwwwh

  • Wednesday 25th November 2020, 9:01am
  • United Kingdom
  • 14 posts
Quote: gappy @ 25th November 2020, 8:08 AM Laughing out loud

I am guilty of gagsplaining - OED word of the year 2021?

I know Pappy's but am not familiar with House Meeting. A spin-off from Flatshare, I presume.

Yes.

Pappy's = Dad's
House ~ Home (Guard)
Meeting ~ army briefing

Annoyingly close to a joke.

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gappy

  • Wednesday 25th November 2020, 9:06am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,078 posts
Quote: wwwwwh @ 25th November 2020, 9:01 AM

Yes.

Pappy's = Dad's
House ~ Home (Guard)
Meeting ~ army briefing

Annoyingly close to a joke.

Laughing out loud Genius

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Firkin

  • Wednesday 25th November 2020, 9:15am
  • United Kingdom
  • 1,014 posts

All good wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwh gets it (I hope I spelt that right).

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playfull

  • Wednesday 25th November 2020, 12:24pm [Edited]
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,858 posts

I did vote yesterday, but it disappeared. Ummmmm.

There is something funny going on here (and i don't mean any of my sketches). As the current incumbent i am not inclined to accept the results of this vote. I will instruct my lawyers, solicitors and attorneys along with my legal team to challenge this result. I won by every measure apart from votes cast. I will not give up my win, i will not have my victory stolen by someone just because they won.

BTW i vote 5wh.

I heard a rumour that Michael didn't post because he suffered a reoccurrence of an old wrist injury - after getting over excited working on the thread title...