British Comedy Guide

George McRingon 20 - 28.10.20

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 20th October 2020, 9:27am [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,370 posts

Yes. C**tgtasulazioningd to Playfull for shinking against. PM myself with a new slut please. Meanwhereas...
Next slapperjack: The Sea (chosen by Tiggy).
Leg closed: 16.10.20
Runners are nowt...
Score Position Name
1 3 Playfull
2 2 Wwwwh, Gappy

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 23rd October 2020, 10:31am [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,370 posts

My friend thinks he's a riverbank. I said, Are you shore?... My friend thinks he's George Bernard. I said, Are you Shaw?... My friend thinks One Direction are great. I said, f**k off c**t.
Only half the students turn up. But it's okay: I'm a class half-full, not class half-empty kinda guy.
I don't like sailing in water round a castle, it's a moat point.
Spare a thought for those with only a glass of water and crust of stale bread. And say so what? No one forces 'em to be supermodels.
I hooked Sarah Jessica Parker with Sir Walter Scott but she wouldn't go down on him. You can lead a horse to Walter... Parker's writing her memoirs. Straight from the horse's mouth... Parker offered me free oral or free anal. I chose anal. You don't f**k a gift horse in the mouth.
My mother can't decide between Iron Maiden or f**king a fish. she's between rock and a hard plaice. For the love of cod.
Portion of chips please. And fish. - Plaice? - Next to the chips, duh... Portion of chips please. - With relish? - Mmmmmmmmmmmmm, ppporrrtionn of chiiiiiiiiips pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaase... One Direction album, please. - f**k off c**t.
That water never changes. It's still water.
Best ocean to skinny dip? Bering Sea... Loneliest ocean? Andaman Sea... Worst band ever? One Direction.
My favourite Spice Girl diets by water. Melony sea.
My mother's so desperate to be a bathing model, she's tearing her hair out.
One Direction are shit.

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gappy

  • Sunday 25th October 2020, 8:18pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,072 posts

[Baywatch pastiche intro. A buxom young WOMAN in a swimsuit is running along a lush beach in slow motion. Cheesy synth and 80s guitar music. Title caption, "Coast Check". WOMAN comes to a halt, and whips her hair back in slow motion. Music ends. Cut to grizzled old male AUSSIE, he looks like a farmer, and he's standing outside a little shack at the edge of the beach].

AUSSIE: What's that, Boobie?

[Cut to WOMAN, she whips her hair around three more times, then jiggles her breasts and pouts twice]

AUSSIE: There's a boy trapped down the well?

[WOMAN pouts, jiggles and hair-flicks again, the stands there grinning eagerly]

AUSSIE: Well, then let's grease our heels and get after him, by jiminy. Lead the way, Boobie!

[WOMAN Runs off a few paces, then looks back with dumb eagerness. AUSSIE is collecting a gun, a billy can and a koala, or other comical outback paraphernalia]

AUSSIE: Don't know why they even built that well on the beach, it's been nothing but trouble...

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playfull

  • Wednesday 28th October 2020, 10:54pm [Edited]
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,854 posts

1701 or just gone 5 o'clock. Inside the near pitch black bar of the smugglers inn. A few customers are dispersed in the shadows each looking like a pile of dirty rags. In the far corner sits a man with his back to the wall. Leaning back his face is in deep shadow. A tall man wearing a tri-corner hat, with a mass of tangled black hair approaches the table. His gold earing glints in the gloom.

JONES: Is this seat free?

PEW: (BEAT) Let me see.

(PEW SLOWLY LEANS FORWARD, OUT OF THE SHADOW. WE SEE HE IS WEARING A DIRTY RAG AS A BLINDFOLD)

PEW: (CONT') Looks empty to me.

JONES: You are blind.

PEW: And I see you are not.

(JONES SITS)

JONES: What?

PEW: It's wordplay.

JONES: But I thought you were blind?

PEW: I am, if you could see I am blind then you obviously are not. Ipso Facto.

(JONES SLOWLY LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM)

PEW: Don't.

JONES: Don't what?

PEW: Don't ask which one is Ipso Facto.

JONES: I brought you a drink.

PEW: What is it?

JONES & PEW TOGETHER: RUM! (JONES SMILES).

PEW: Let me smell it.

(PEW LEANS FORWARD. JONES PICKS UP THE RUM AND HOLDS IT UNDER PEW'S NOSE. PEW TAKES SEVERAL SMALL SNIFS. THEN SATISFIED HE TAKES THE RUM AND DOWNS IT IN ONE)

JONES: What were you smelling for?

PEW: Almond or Garlic, but mainly Almond.

JONES: Cyanide?

PEW: No, I am allergic to marzipan.

JONES: What is marzipan?

PEW: I have no idea. Who are you stranger? And what do you want with me?

JONES: I am looking for blind Pew.

PEW: And you have found him.

JONES: I am Davy Jones, and I have something for you.

PEW: Please God no, not Davy Jones!

JONES: No, not the Davy Jones with the locker.

PEW: I was thinking of the one with the Peter Tork.

JONES: Who?

PEW: Trust me, in three hundred years that will be hilarious.

MICHAEL MONKHOUSE: (OFF) Trust me, it f**king won't.

(PEW AND JONES BOTH LOOK AROUND)

JONES: Can I ask a question?

PEW: Is it how did I become blind?

JONES: Yes?

PEW: Let's just say don't juggle cutlasses when you are pissed. What do you have for me?

JONES: Black Spot.

PEW: Black Spot!

JONES: I don't mean the one in the palm of your hand.

PEW: I Know.

JONES: The one where it means you are going to die.

PEW: Yes, I know.

JONES: How do you know? Is it a blind thing, like a sixth sense?

PEW: No, it's a Robert Louis Stevenson made that up, sort of thing. That and I have a missing dog called Black spot.

JONES: She is tied up outside.

(THEY BOTH STAND AND MOVE TOWORD THE DOOR)

JONES: I hope you don't mind me saying but, your spots name, It's not very PC.

PEW: I was thinking that myself.

JONES: It's not the sixteen hundreds after all.

PEW: No, I was thinking of changing her name to Ni**er.

JONES: That sounds better. I cant imagine anyone being offended by that.

PEW: That is what I thought.

JONES: Why are Pirates called Pirates?

PEW: No! Stop it!

(JONES LOOKS SHEEPISH. THEY BOTH EXIT)

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wwwwwh

  • Wednesday 28th October 2020, 11:39pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 11 posts

DALEY: Sea legs! Get your sea legs here!
MARK: Sounds interesting, how does this work?
DALEY: Well let's see, I've got crab legs, I've got peg legs, I've got frogs legs, I've got mermaid legs...
MARK: Mermaids? Mermaids don't have legs, do they?
DALEY: Not now I've got 'em!
MARK: Right. So on the basis that mermaids don't actually exist in the first place, I must assume that your business model involves amputating human legs and trying to pass them off as belonging to a mythical creature roughly defined as being top-half person, bottom-half not-legs?
DALEY: I won't tell if you won't.
MARK: Well obviously you won't, it's your insanely psychotic secret. Anyway, what I was hoping for, and Lord knows why I'm still persisting with this, is to obtain some more notional sea legs.
DALEY: You were hoping to purchase a notion? Can do you a very good deal on notions.
MARK: What I want is the experience of having been at sea. In preparation for actually being at sea.
DALEY: Oh right, you want one of those experience days. Let's see what we can do for you.
[Cut to MARK being pushed aggressively around a bouncy castle]
[Cut to MARK lying on the beach, while DALEY pours salt down his nostrils]
[Cut to MARK nodding politely in a room of chattering old people]
[Cut to MARK with fingers in ears as eighteen bearded men sing sea shanties]
[Cut to MARK being copiously vomited on by club 18-30 revellers]
[Cut to MARK being waterboarded]
[Cut to MARK on a balcony staring wistfully out into the distance for the next 378 minutes]
[Cut to MARK in a swimming pool having his arm torn off by a shark]
MARK: On second thoughts I'll just have half an Ariel and chips.
DALEY: Wise man.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 29th October 2020, 7:31am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,370 posts

Last spurt hot on the heels, like my dad.
All good but wwwh again.

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playfull

  • Thursday 29th October 2020, 10:26am
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,854 posts

Michael, get off the fence with one direction. Make your mind up do you like them or love them?
5Wh, nicely silly, bounces along at a nice pace, and would work well if fillmed.
But Gappy is my winner, i loved the idea, and loved the last line -

AUSSIE: Don't know why they even built that well on the beach, it's been nothing but trouble...

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gappy

  • Thursday 29th October 2020, 10:28am [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,072 posts

wwwwwh - I've now discovered there are 5 Ws in this name, 10 points for observation - gets my vote.

Edit, but clearly Playfull managed to count to 5 before I did.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 29th October 2020, 12:42pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,370 posts
Quote: playfull @ 29th October 2020, 10:26 AM

Michael, get off the fence with one direction. Make your mind up do you like them or love them?
.

I can't decide which field to crap in, so I'm shitting on the fence.

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wwwwwh

  • Thursday 29th October 2020, 8:41pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 11 posts

Point to Gappy for that concise and timely parody.

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gappy

  • Thursday 29th October 2020, 8:43pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,072 posts
Quote: wwwwwh @ 29th October 2020, 8:41 PM

Point to Gappy for that concise and timely parody.

Laughing out loud

Laughing out loud

I've been working on that sketch for 30 years, ever since the first time I heard of Baywatch (because I've never actually seen it).