Newsjack Series 23 rejects Page 6

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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skram

  • Friday 30th October 2020, 3:14pm
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 97 posts

Hmmmm, I noticed the "pistachio" breaking news was pretty much identical to a line on comedywire last week... big coincidence?! (guy who wrote that line wasn't on the credits)

Here are my final one-liner rejects:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Sir Kier Starmer has been involved in a road collision which saw a cyclist taken to hospital. An eye witness said the Labour Leader had started off in the middle of the road, suddenly veered to the right, then veered back to the left and finally did a number of U-turns.

2. Students have been advised that they might have to stagger returns home from University this Christmas. A spokesman said this shouldn't cause too many problems as most students were used to staggering home.

3. Ex-tennis champion Boris Becker has appeared in court on charges of failing to sell his trophies to pay off his debts, a result of Boris going from Boom-Boom to Bust-Bust.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for Amazon who successfully tested a prototype rocket that landed softly on Earth without any damage; it's been a bad week for Amazon customers who have ordered 50 inch TVs as the technology will not be ready for a number of years.

2. It's been a bad week for fans of the clothing retailer GAP after it announced it is considering closing all of its UK stores; it's been a good week for fans of the company as analysts have confirmed this will still leave a gap in the market.

3. It's been a bad week for a lawyer who was fined after being found guilty of groping his secretary and pretending to be in the Ku Klux Klan; it's been a good week for his victim after the employment tribunal ruled in her favour, saying the lawyer's behaviour was not OK-K-K.

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Dantrobus

  • Friday 30th October 2020, 3:32pm
  • Sheffield, England
  • 141 posts
Quote: BTF @ 30th October 2020, 11:02 AM

Like BN 3. Am an ONJ fan! I think would be even better reworked with song at end.
.

Thanks! I'm really not a fan of the oneliners that rely on breaking into song and kinda felt like I was debasing myself even submitting this one! I quite liked the idea of the performer breaking into that familiar song and then coming back to a pretty pompous academic end line, delivered quite straight. I made myself laugh when I did it out loud anyway!

Though, having said all that, I was also trying to work this setup with the "We go together, Like rama lama lama ka dinga da dinga dong" lyric and if I'd found a wording that worked I'd have happily submitted it because ultimately my comedic principles mean nothing compared to the hunt for a credit!

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Dantrobus

  • Friday 30th October 2020, 4:00pm
  • Sheffield, England
  • 141 posts
Quote: skram @ 30th October 2020, 3:14 PM

Hmmmm, I noticed the "pistachio" breaking news was pretty much identical to a line on comedywire last week... big coincidence?! (guy who wrote that line wasn't on the credits)

Dunno for sure, obviously, but I also had a draft oneliner on that story with roughly the same punchline that didn't make my final cut. I think it was the obvious route for that joke to go so could well be coincidence.

Quote: skram @ 30th October 2020, 3:14 PM

1. Sir Kier Starmer has been involved in a road collision which saw a cyclist taken to hospital. An eye witness said the Labour Leader had started off in the middle of the road, suddenly veered to the right, then veered back to the left and finally did a number of U-turns.

Yeah, I prefer this variant to the one that got broadcast and to my GWBW along the same lines.

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Steve Sunshine

  • Friday 30th October 2020, 4:23pm
  • Dagenham, England
  • 14,714 posts

Blanked again this series
Here are my rejects from ep 6

1. The British & Irish Lions have agreed a three test series in Japan for next June one test will be at the airport another when they get to their hotel and if those go well they might even have a game of Rugby
2. A man in Florida was injured after being bitten by an Alligator named Elvis, fortunately the danger has now been averted as Elvis has been caught in a trap and can't get out
3. Nicola Adams has been praised for her same sex dance on strictly, although the professional boxer was deducted a point on all judges score cards for holding on too much
4. A good Week for Kazakstan as their tourist board finally embraces Borats Catchphrase "Very nice" but a Bad week for Canada as Justin Trudeau is still using Ali G's catchphrase of is it cos I is Black
5. A bad week for Kier Starmer as he is involved in a collision with a cyclist but a good week for his Policies as he claims that being in the middle of the road helped and if he had gone more to the left things would be a lot worse
6. A good week for F1 Driver Lewis Hamilton as he is recognised for winning more races than anyone in History, but a bad week for President Donald Trump who has been recognised for offending more races than anyone in History

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skram

  • Friday 30th October 2020, 4:59pm
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 97 posts
Quote: BTF @ 30th October 2020, 4:12 PM

I just realised you are the Skram on comedywire. I have not really been on there for ages.

It would be worrying if there were 2 of us :) Yes I can only take it in short doses too.

Quote: Dantrobus @ 30th October 2020, 4:00 PM

I think it was the obvious route for that joke to go so could well be coincidence.

Yes you're probably right, I'm afraid I'm a sucker for conspiracy theories though....

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ 30th October 2020, 4:23 PM

1. The British & Irish Lions have agreed a three test series in Japan for next June one test will be at the airport another when they get to their hotel and if those go well they might even have a game of Rugby

I like!

4. A good Week for Kazakstan as their tourist board finally embraces Borats Catchphrase "Very nice" but a Bad week for Canada as Justin Trudeau is still using Ali G's catchphrase of is it cos I is Black

And a full LOL. There is no justice - in the past I would have said a bit too edgy for NJ but if Kiri is allowed to be making her "jokes" about argasms (*) then this should have been on (instead!).

(*) I think the forum is stopping me posting with the actual word?

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Patrick Robinson

  • Friday 30th October 2020, 6:45pm
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 141 posts
Quote: BTF @ 30th October 2020, 12:24 PM

I like it. Great concept.

Like your intro joke..
Clever..and final line

Many thanks BTF. All the best, Patrick

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Thief Of Bad Gags

  • Friday 30th October 2020, 7:18pm
  • Rotherham, United Kingdom
  • 189 posts

[quote name="BTF" post="1227461" date="30th October 2020, 11:02 AM"]Hi Thief of Bad Gags
Had a quick read. I definitely like it. Can see you put some work into it.
Don't know if it helps but could be honed a little.
I wonder if they get a lot of Barnard Castle and orange jokes, so a different take may be good. Also, bet they get lots of Trump and Boris ones so not saying don't do Trump but it may reduce your chances.

Thank you BTF
Re putting some work into it? I wrote this three weeks ago and tried to time it with the very lost show. To be honest it is all about the practicing the fine art of sketch writing and the topical news gags too. Every kind word is a bonus.
I can only guess they do get a lot of Trump and Boris sketches and it is a tough nut to crack, but enjoyable.

Loved all your gags, sketches and GWBW. Well done everyone you give me hope

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BTF

  • Friday 30th October 2020, 7:32pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 564 posts
Quote: Steve Sunshine @ 30th October 2020, 4:23 PM

Blanked again this series
Here are my rejects from ep 6

1. The British & Irish Lions have agreed a three test series in Japan for next June one test will be at the airport another when they get to their hotel and if those go well they might even have a game of Rugby
2. A man in Florida was injured after being bitten by an Alligator named Elvis, fortunately the danger has now been averted as Elvis has been caught in a trap and can't get out
3. Nicola Adams has been praised for her same sex dance on strictly, although the professional boxer was deducted a point on all judges score cards for holding on too much
4. A good Week for Kazakstan as their tourist board finally embraces Borats Catchphrase "Very nice" but a Bad week for Canada as Justin Trudeau is still using Ali G's catchphrase of is it cos I is Black
5. A bad week for Kier Starmer as he is involved in a collision with a cyclist but a good week for his Policies as he claims that being in the middle of the road helped and if he had gone more to the left things would be a lot worse
6. A good week for F1 Driver Lewis Hamilton as he is recognised for winning more races than anyone in History, but a bad week for President Donald Trump who has been recognised for offending more races than anyone in History

Love number 2...a song line one!
Really like 4 and 6 gwbws

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Dantrobus

  • Saturday 31st October 2020, 8:57am
  • Sheffield, England
  • 141 posts
Quote: Steve Sunshine @ 30th October 2020, 4:23 PM

Blanked again this series
Here are my rejects from ep 6

1. The British & Irish Lions have agreed a three test series in Japan for next June one test will be at the airport another when they get to their hotel and if those go well they might even have a game of Rugby
2. A man in Florida was injured after being bitten by an Alligator named Elvis, fortunately the danger has now been averted as Elvis has been caught in a trap and can't get out

Really like these two. Number 2 is the sort of song lyric oneliner I can get behind, as the lyric is actually a punchline that follows from the setup. The ones I object to are the ones that go, 'Pop star x was in the news. Here's a bit of one of their famous songs, for some reason'.

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Exe Chris

  • Saturday 31st October 2020, 9:41am
  • Exeter, England
  • 92 posts

Thanks for all the positive feedback; got to say bit disappointed to completely strike out this series, but at least you lot have reassured me it's not a total waste of time.
I've learned not to do this just to get on the show (ha!) but because I enjoy it.

Now to continue my ongoing dry spell with Breaking the News...

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Dantrobus

  • Saturday 31st October 2020, 9:54am
  • Sheffield, England
  • 141 posts
Quote: Exe Chris @ 31st October 2020, 9:41 AM

Thanks for all the positive feedback; got to say bit disappointed to completely strike out this series, but at least you lot have reassured me it's not a total waste of time.
I've learned not to do this just to get on the show (ha!) but because I enjoy it.

Now to continue my ongoing dry spell with Breaking the News...

Good luck! Dunno if you ever submit to Newsrevue too but they're teasing an upcoming announcement, which I think will be the reopening of live shows at Canal Cafe Theatre (although I guess a second national lockdown would stomp on reopening plans). Really hope they can reopen. The podcast they've done in the interim has been fine (even the odd bits of my material they've used), but Newsrevue is the sort of show that really benefits from being done live. https://twitter.com/NewsRevue/status/1322105199050346497?s=19

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Kenny Bania

  • Saturday 31st October 2020, 1:16pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 265 posts

Thanks for all feedback and constructive criticism this series - and really helpful / enjoyable to see the rejects posted, particularly the different takes on the same subject

Am unfamiliar with Comedywire - is it another open door show ?

And Breaking The News - or is that invite only ?

Thanks in advance for any info

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BTF

  • Saturday 31st October 2020, 2:28pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 564 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 31st October 2020, 1:16 PM

Thanks for all feedback and constructive criticism this series - and really helpful / enjoyable to see the rejects posted, particularly the different takes on the same subject

Am unfamiliar with Comedywire - is it another open door show ?

And Breaking The News - or is that invite only ?

Thanks in advance for any info

Kenny I will message you about those things.

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Kenny Bania

  • Saturday 31st October 2020, 3:12pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 265 posts
Quote: BTF @ 31st October 2020, 2:28 PM

Kenny I will message you about those things.

Thanks

Message received with thanks - your reply has answered everything I need to know

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skram

  • Sunday 1st November 2020, 3:58pm
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 97 posts

Thought I would stick up one of my sketches from the final episode - never had a sketch on NJ so any comments/feedback welcome:

INTRO: This week Nicola Sturgeon has been ridiculed after finally coming up with an alternative to Boris Johnson's 3-tier system for coronavirus - a 5-tier system. Tears of laughter mostly I should think. There's something about Nicola Sturgeon always wanting to go one better than England, or in this case 2 better... is there anything she won't try to gazump England on?

GRAMS - 'ANDREW MARR SHOW' INTRO

ANDREW MARR: Hello, this morning I'm joined by Scotland's First Minister - Nicola Sturgeon.
NICOLA STURGOEN: Hello, Andrew, I'm very pleased to join you although I can't help but notice the absence of Boris Johnson.
ANDREW MARR: He's not on this show.
NICOLA STURGEON: Even so.
ANDREW MARR: It's just you I'm talking to.
NICOLA STURGEON: I'm just saying.
ANDREW MARR: Anyway, Nicola Sturgeon - you refused to adopt Boris Johnson's 3-tier approach, and instead came up with a 5-tier approach. Why can't you fall in line with the rest of the UK?
NICOLA STURGEON: Look, Andrew, Scotland is the land of the free... free million SNP voters that is...
ANDREW MARR: Do you think Scotland does more for those three million voters than Boris does for England?
NICOLA STURGEON: Undoubtedly - Boris has sight, but I have foresight.
ANDREW MARR: Hang on, is really what you're doing here, just increasing the numbers in words? 3 tier, 5 tier? Free, three million? Sight, foresight?
NICOLA STURGEON: How dare you accuse me of that, that's so three-faced.
ANDREW MARR: Except there's no such thing is there. Explain to me how this works, this "Sturgeonomics"?
NICOLA STURGEON: I'm going to change everything to be better in Scotland than it is in England, two steps at a time.
ANDREW MARR: Are you starting your policies from scratch then, back to square one?
NICOLA STURGEON: We're starting from square two. You know, I was in three minds about this, but now I'm so excited about our new policies, I'm on cloud ten.
ANDREW MARR: OK, policies then - transport?
NICOLA STURGEON: Take motorways - England has the M1, M2, M3.... in Scotland we have the M898. That's 898 times better than that shite from London to Leeds.
ANDREW MARR: You're comparing motorway numbers?
NICOLA STURGEON: Bridges too - The Forth Bridge. Not the First. Not the Second. The Forth. Only in Scotland.
ANDREW MARR: What about the Severn Bridge?
NICOLA STURGEON: That's in Wales, not England.
ANDREW MARR: And for those people who think you are, as you yourself might say, two sandwiches short of a picnic?
NICOLA STURGEON: Look, sandwiches are English. We don't have unhealthy English sandwiches in a Scottish picnic. We have Kit Kats - 5 finger Kit Kats in Scotland... none of your namby-pamby sized English chocolate treats here, we have the "Triple Decker", "After Nines"...
ANDREW MARR: I'm wondering, Nicola, and this is a serious question - do you hear voices in your head?
NICOLA STURGEON: I hear more voices in my head than Boris Johnson has heard telling him he's going to be a father.
ANDREW MARR: And do you think it's fair to always bring Boris Johnson into everything?
NICOLA STURGEON: Andrew, it takes three to tango - you know, "let he who cast the second stone" and all that. Look, by contrasting our new Sturgeonomics with Boris Johnson's outdated policies, I'm just killing three birds with two stones.
ANDREW MARR: So you're not just increasing numbers in a rather pathetic attempt to outgun Westminster?
NICOLA STURGEON: That is not something I would do in a million and one years. I'm quite capable of standing on my own three feet.
ANDREW MARR: You can't just do the same as Westminster to keep it simple?
NICOLA STURGEON: Unfortunately it's a catch 23 situation - listen, I would go to the five corners of the earth for the Scottish people.
ANDREW MARR: But you won't agree with Boris Johnson?
NICOLA STURGEON: "Boris" is a five-letter word... he won't agree with me so I won't agree with him - three wrongs don't make a right of course, but three can play that game.
ANDREW MARR: Well that's excellent then, my thanks to you Nicola Sturgeon...
NICOLA STURGEON: We have more referendums than the English too. Three.
ANDREW MARR: You've been watching BBC1...
NICOLA STURGEON: BBC2 in Scotland.
ANDREW MARR: Yes thank you First Minister.
NICOLA STURGEON: Second Minister.
ANDREW MARR: OK, I really need someone to escort her from the studio now, I think she's had one too many.
NICOLA STURGEON: Two too many.
ANDREW MARR: Can someone call nine-nine-nine?
NICOLA STURGEON: Ten-ten-ten..
. GRAMS - 'ANDREW MARR SHOW' MUSIC FADES OVER AND PLAYS OUT

END