Newsjack Series 23 rejects Page 5

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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skram

  • Tuesday 27th October 2020, 11:55am
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 96 posts
Quote: Exe Chris @ 26th October 2020, 9:06 PM

2. It's been a good week for the family from Cambridgeshire who were reunited with their cat "Biscuit" after it went missing 3 years ago.
It's been a bad week for the family after the vet did a check up on it and advised it was suffering from digestive problems.

Oh yes, it's a groan, but it's a *great* groan! :) Honestly, I can't work out why some jokes don't make it on...

3. It's been a bad week for the Tokyo Olympics as reports say they have been targeted by hackers.
It's been a good week for the Russians as they have found their best chance of 'meddling' at the Olympics.

I had this story on my list and couldn't think of anything, I really like yours!

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Wishus

  • Tuesday 27th October 2020, 3:20pm
  • Northampton, England
  • 143 posts

I have really struggled this series, to find inspiration or the funny. I think I need a boot camp of sorts. I forgot to even write anything this week! I've loved reading everyone's. I definitely follow dilated pupils. KB, Skram, Dantrobus, ChrisExe, you've all got gems, and well done Danny on getting on!

Here are my last lot.

1. Nokia have been given permission to build a mobile phone network on the moon, prompting the question which celebrity will make the first moon phone call? And if they are hacked, will what they are reported to say just reflect the views of The Sun?
2. Bletchley Park is "over-rated" according to a new book, Behind the Enigma by Professor John Ferris, who must have queued for ages before realising he was meant to be in front of the Oblivion at Alton Towers.
3. Rapper 50 Cent has urged his followers to vote for Trump after Joe Biden pledged to raise the taxes of the super rich, prompting critics to say he only wants to pay what his name's worth. And yet no one is saying Eminem wants to pay peanuts. (rushed, rushed, rushed)
1. It's been a bad week for Claire Williams, who has admitted throwing notebooks in a bin at the Grenfell enquiry. It's been a better week for the woman who put a cat in the bin a few years back, because at least she can say everything in that bin got cat-a-logged.
2. It's been a bad week for publisher Martin Usborne, who had over 60 calls from the Test and Trace service after his wife tested positive. It's also been a good week for Martin Usborne, as he got to try out his new touchy-feely Usborne book on the callers: That's not my Covid. Its results are too negative. Over and over and over again.
3. It's been a good week for Durex who reported condom sales recovering slightly after a sharp fall during Lockdown. It's been a bad week for ladies, who were still hoping to apply the 1 metre plus rule. (what does it even mean?)

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Dantrobus

  • Wednesday 28th October 2020, 8:01am
  • Sheffield, England
  • 129 posts
Quote: Wishus @ 27th October 2020, 3:20 PM

I have really struggled this series, to find inspiration or the funny. I think I need a boot camp of sorts. I forgot to even write anything this week! I've loved reading everyone's. I definitely follow dilated pupils. KB, Skram, Dantrobus, ChrisExe, you've all got gems, and well done Danny on getting on!

Here are my last lot.

1. Nokia have been given permission to build a mobile phone network on the moon, prompting the question which celebrity will make the first moon phone call? And if they are hacked, will what they are reported to say just reflect the views of The Sun?
2. Bletchley Park is "over-rated" according to a new book, Behind the Enigma by Professor John Ferris, who must have queued for ages before realising he was meant to be in front of the Oblivion at Alton Towers.
3. Rapper 50 Cent has urged his followers to vote for Trump after Joe Biden pledged to raise the taxes of the super rich, prompting critics to say he only wants to pay what his name's worth. And yet no one is saying Eminem wants to pay peanuts. (rushed, rushed, rushed)
1. It's been a bad week for Claire Williams, who has admitted throwing notebooks in a bin at the Grenfell enquiry. It's been a better week for the woman who put a cat in the bin a few years back, because at least she can say everything in that bin got cat-a-logged.
2. It's been a bad week for publisher Martin Usborne, who had over 60 calls from the Test and Trace service after his wife tested positive. It's also been a good week for Martin Usborne, as he got to try out his new touchy-feely Usborne book on the callers: That's not my Covid. Its results are too negative. Over and over and over again.
3. It's been a good week for Durex who reported condom sales recovering slightly after a sharp fall during Lockdown. It's been a bad week for ladies, who were still hoping to apply the 1 metre plus rule. (what does it even mean?)

I really like these - I find the Eminen/peanuts and Behind the Enigma/front of the Oblivion connections very satisfying.

I reckon some are trying to get across a bit too much information for them to fit the NJ format. For example, I think the Bletchley Park one would work better for NJ if it was just simplified to the Bletchley Park/Alton Towers connection. Something like, "A controversial new book by Professor John Ferris has claimed Bletchley Park's contribution to Britain is "over-rated". The Professor said there weren't even any roller coasters and you'd be better off going to Alton Towers". Mind you, I know if I was trying to write this one I'd have got far too distracted by the guy's name being Professor Ferris and wasted forever trying to work that in somehow.

While I reckon the youthful non-parent Newsjack producers probably wouldn't have totally got the Usborne 'That's Not My...' one, it spoke to me on a terrifying visceral level!

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Kenny Bania

  • Thursday 29th October 2020, 9:13pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 263 posts

For the final time in this cathartic process.....

A set of stamps are being released to celebrate 50 years of Star Trek. Royal Mail say they will be produced with just enough adhesive to cling on to the envelope

A rare Rolex has been sold at auction for £175,000. Described by the auctioneer as the holy grail of vintage watches, the buyer is thought to be one of the knights who say ' Ni ! ' ( possible chorus of Ni ! etc, etc )

A Scottish fish and chip shop has started selling battered pickled onions . Nicola Sturgeon said it can continue to do so as long as the onions remain within the 5 tears alert system

It's been a bad week for a female maths teacher who lost out in a job appointment to a man with a firm handshake. It was also a bad week for the man with the firm handshake, as he was congratulated by colleagues holding electric shock buzzers

It's been a good week for lovers of battered food after a Scottish fish and chip shop started selling deep fried pickled onions. But a bad week for the customer who complained about her small portion and was told 'That's shallot '

It's been a good week for a man in a care home after the sheepdog he used to own was driven 300 miles to cheer him up. And a good week for the care home after the sheepdog helped round up the other residents for meal time

Laters.......

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BTF

  • Thursday 29th October 2020, 9:26pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 558 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 29th October 2020, 9:13 PM

For the final time in this cathartic process.....

A set of stamps are being released to celebrate 50 years of Star Trek. Royal Mail say they will be produced with just enough adhesive to cling on to the envelope

A rare Rolex has been sold at auction for £175,000. Described by the auctioneer as the holy grail of vintage watches, the buyer is thought to be one of the knights who say ' Ni ! ' ( possible chorus of Ni ! etc, etc )

A Scottish fish and chip shop has started selling battered pickled onions . Nicola Sturgeon said it can continue to do so as long as the onions remain within the 5 tears alert system

It's been a bad week for a female maths teacher who lost out in a job appointment to a man with a firm handshake. It was also a bad week for the man with the firm handshake, as he was congratulated by colleagues holding electric shock buzzers

It's been a good week for lovers of battered food after a Scottish fish and chip shop started selling deep fried pickled onions. But a bad week for the customer who complained about her small portion and was told 'That's shallot '

It's been a good week for a man in a care home after the sheepdog he used to own was driven 300 miles to cheer him up. And a good week for the care home after the sheepdog helped round up the other residents for meal time

Laters.......

Bn 1. Was thinking a tweak.....
....Just enough adhesive on the envelope to...cling-on.
Full disclosure I am a trekky so love this joke.

Really like the GWBWs.

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Dantrobus

  • Friday 30th October 2020, 8:04am
  • Sheffield, England
  • 129 posts

My rejects for this final week:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Researchers have discovered a songbird that is male on one side of its body, and female on the other, raising suspicions that other birds may have hidden a gender.
2. A Trump supporter was arrested for destroying Joe Biden yard signs with a stolen bulldozer. The man claimed innocence, saying he was just campaigning when push came to shove.
3. Olivia Newton-John has hit back at claims that the film Grease is sexist, telling the interviewer (breaking into song) you'd better shape up, you better understand (back to speaking) it's reductive to apply modern feminist standards to a forty year old musical. (Here's me trying to have my cake and eat it - doing the breaking into song thing that seems to be a popular format, but having it go back to speaking so the punchline isn't just the lyric)

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for a cyclist who was involved in a traffic collision with Keir Starmer. But a worse week for Starmer who will eventually have to tell police whether he was on the right or the left. (They did a similar 'middle of the road' version of this in breaking news, not mine)
2. A good week for researchers who have discovered a songbird that is male on one side of its body, and female on the other. A bad week for other songbirds who can't compete with this show-off singing both parts of I Got You Babe on its own.
3. A good week for researchers who have found that vampire bats socially distance when they're sick. And a good week for the bat's victims: you don't want to catch a cold when you're having your blood drained.

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Exe Chris

  • Friday 30th October 2020, 8:22am
  • Exeter, England
  • 91 posts

Some good ones in the 'reject' pile already; particular like Star Trek stamps and Rolex from Kenny Bania and the first gag from each section from Dantrobus.

Mine for this last week were:

1. Boots are going to offer 12 minute results on Covid tests. They say this means they will be able to diagnose Covid 19 to the dozen.
2. Scientists have said that the discovery of water on the moon will help maintain a base there in future. Critics have dismissed the idea as "lunar sea".
3. Celebrity chef Prue Leith has said it's possible for hospitals to serve 'delicious' food on a budget. It is good news that at least for most patients, it won't cost an arm and a leg.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for locals in Blaine, Washington, after the first nest of Asian 'murder hornets' was found near their town.
It's been a good week for the local insects after the nest was removed by a suction hose. Experts rated it as a Bee +.
2. It's been a good week for fans of Sesame Street in the Middle East as the program has returned but under social distancing rules.
It's been a bad week for the Count as he isn't allowed to go higher than six.
3. It's been a bad week for a meat processing factory in Norfolk as 144 people have tested positive for Corona virus.
It's been a worse week for the factory as they're accused of Gross negligence.

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Thief Of Bad Gags

  • Friday 30th October 2020, 9:08am
  • Rotherham, United Kingdom
  • 157 posts

My only gag for NJ
The start of the new "firebreak" in Wales this week saw "NON- essential" items including clothes being covered up in stores. The First Minister of Wales Mark Drakeford has now ordered the entire covering up of Cardigan Bay.

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Thief Of Bad Gags

  • Friday 30th October 2020, 9:25am [Edited]
  • Rotherham, United Kingdom
  • 157 posts

My Sketch for NJ

The Grave Yard Party

In order to cement a post-Brexit UK-US trade deal Prime Minister Boris Johnson
attends Donald Trump's Halloween party at The White House

Trump: I sure love Halloween parties. The darkness, the creatures of the night and skeletons

in the closet and that's not just Hilary Clinton's parties ha ha

Boris; Yes, quite, do you like my headless man's costume, Donald?

Trump: No need to call me Donald just call me Mr President.

Boris: Yes, certainly Donald, no, I mean Mr President, yes yes Mr President you are, erm

Mr President, of course.

Trump: You look like a Gard damn headless chicken?

Boris: Um, yes, I've heard my country say that about me during this terrible pandemic. It

means strength and leadership. Top hole.

Trump: Turkey?

Boris: Of course, Turkey, just like those Mexico chaps, you should build another wall to stop

the Turks coming into America. My government has just given £13 million to a building

company to build a wall in the middle of the English Channel. And may I say we will

make those Mexico chaps pay for it. Spiffing.

Trump: We Americans prefer Turkey to a chicken it's a bigger bird, Boris?

Boris: May I have this opportunity to say how halloweenish you look. Fat and orange.

Trump: Yeah, Melania chose the pumpkin costume, she told me I'm the best pumpkin in the

whole world and the colour complements my skin.

High pitch Scottish voice:

Hubble bubble we're all in trouble. Cases aren't going down so

we must have a wee Lockdown.

Trump: Oh my Gard who's the witch?

Boris: That is Scotland's first minister, Nicola Sturgeon.

Trump: Poor Scotland and my golf course.

Boris: Look over there Mr President there's my Health Secretary Count Vaxxer.

Trump: He's a count?

Boris: Um, yes, I believe those ghastly anti vaxxers do call him that, BUT, the count

wants to vaccinate every person in the UK. He told the UK not to be fearful, they will

only get a little prick.

Trump: Those Gard damn Russians have got a video tape on him too?

Trump: Good Gord what's that horrible thing over there, what a horrible mask he's wearing?

Boris: Crumbs, he's not wearing a mask Mr President that's Michael Gove

Trump: The Trotskys, Boris?

Boris: Gosh, it must have been the bat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches from the

buffet? If you are desperate for a poffle Mr President, it's over there at the Brexit

sign, first on the right.

Trump: No, not the restroom Boris, the Trotskys? Look over there, the Gard damn Russians

are here?

Boris: Gadzooks, I see, point taken, it's Putin and the Trotskys.

Trump: He's come to the party has a Russian Vodka bottle?

Boris: He's come has a spirit ha ha ha top hole

Trump: Look over there there's my special friend Nigel Farage, who won Brexit single

handily. I love Nigel he's my kind of guy. He's the -

Boris: Crikey, look over there there's an ancient mummy?

Trump: Ha ha, I see Joe Biden's arrived late to the party.

F/X BLEEP ON A PHONE

Boris: Gadzooks. Sorry Mr President I must leave, now, straight away, this minute.

Trump: Leave? You can't leave the greatest Halloween Party in America?

Boris: It's this new NHS Health App. It says I've been standing next to a contagious virus

and I must self isolate for two weeks AND go for my eyes checked at Barnard Castle

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BTF

  • Friday 30th October 2020, 11:02am [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 558 posts

Hi Thief of Bad Gags
Had a quick read. I definitely like it. Can see you put some work into it.
Don't know if it helps but could be honed a little.
I wonder if they get a lot of Barnard Castle and orange jokes, so a different take may be good. Also, bet they get lots of Trump and Boris ones so not saying don't do Trump but it may reduce your chances.

Quote: Exe Chris @ 30th October 2020, 8:22 AM

Some good ones in the 'reject' pile already; particular like Star Trek stamps and Rolex from Kenny Bania and the first gag from each section from Dantrobus.

Mine for this last week were:

1. Boots are going to offer 12 minute results on Covid tests. They say this means they will be able to diagnose Covid 19 to the dozen.
2. Scientists have said that the discovery of water on the moon will help maintain a base there in future. Critics have dismissed the idea as "lunar sea".
3. Celebrity chef Prue Leith has said it's possible for hospitals to serve 'delicious' food on a budget. It is good news that at least for most patients, it won't cost an arm and a leg.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for locals in Blaine, Washington, after the first nest of Asian 'murder hornets' was found near their town.
It's been a good week for the local insects after the nest was removed by a suction hose. Experts rated it as a Bee +.
2. It's been a good week for fans of Sesame Street in the Middle East as the program has returned but under social distancing rules.
It's been a bad week for the Count as he isn't allowed to go higher than six.
3. It's been a bad week for a meat processing factory in Norfolk as 144 people have tested positive for Corona virus.
It's been a worse week for the factory as they're accused of Gross negligence.

Particularly like Prue Leith..wonder if lunar sea works better on paper.

Quote: Dantrobus @ 30th October 2020, 8:04 AM

My rejects for this final week:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Researchers have discovered a songbird that is male on one side of its body, and female on the other, raising suspicions that other birds may have hidden a gender.
2. A Trump supporter was arrested for destroying Joe Biden yard signs with a stolen bulldozer. The man claimed innocence, saying he was just campaigning when push came to shove.
3. Olivia Newton-John has hit back at claims that the film Grease is sexist, telling the interviewer (breaking into song) you'd better shape up, you better understand (back to speaking) it's reductive to apply modern feminist standards to a forty year old musical. (Here's me trying to have my cake and eat it - doing the breaking into song thing that seems to be a popular format, but having it go back to speaking so the punchline isn't just the lyric)

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for a cyclist who was involved in a traffic collision with Keir Starmer. But a worse week for Starmer who will eventually have to tell police whether he was on the right or the left. (They did a similar 'middle of the road' version of this in breaking news, not mine)
2. A good week for researchers who have discovered a songbird that is male on one side of its body, and female on the other. A bad week for other songbirds who can't compete with this show-off singing both parts of I Got You Babe on its own.
3. A good week for researchers who have found that vampire bats socially distance when they're sick. And a good week for the bat's victims: you don't want to catch a cold when you're having your blood drained.

Like BN 3. Am an ONJ fan! I think would be even better reworked with song at end.

Like Kier one too.

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Exe Chris

  • Friday 30th October 2020, 11:51am
  • Exeter, England
  • 91 posts

Almost forgot, tried a sketch as well. Christmas so not really topical but as close as I'd get timing wise:

FX: knock on the door, door opens and footsteps get louder
Aide : "Ma'am, it's nearly the end of October and we need to start thinking about your Christmas message."
Queen : "Oh do I have to do it again? Surely you can just repeat an old one, everybody will be eating or
watching the Bond film anyway."
Aide : "I'm sorry Ma'am. This year of all years I think the country needs some inspirational words from their
leader...and as Marcus Rashford is really busy it'll have to be you"
Queen : "Oh if I must. It's been so dreadful can I say it's been an Annus Horribilis again?"
Aide : "Well we used that back in 1992. We could go with, in increasing order of seriousness, Annus Terribilis,
Annus Tragedis, Annus Catastrophis, or Annus Andrewis"
Queen : "Ooh better not use that last one"
Prince Phillip : "You could say it's been a right Markle of a year?"
Queen : (wearily) "Shut up dear"
Aide : "I suggest you think about what you want to talk about. If I can give you a few buzzwords to avoid -
pizza, sweating, Harry, Meghan..."
Prince Phillip: "How about the good old Chocolate Orange?"
Aide : "Oh yes that reminds me, please don't mention Trump either"
Queen : "So I can talk about the NHS, Colonel Tom, social distancing and ...?"
Aide : "Clap for carers?"
Queen : "Ok, working from home?"
Aide : "Yes that'd be fine"
Prince Phillip : "Boris Johnson?"
Queen and Aide : "No!"

Avatar

Patrick Robinson

  • Friday 30th October 2020, 12:04pm
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 141 posts

Hi Everyone. A sketch I wrote that didn't make it to the show:

As High Speed 2 development continues, ecology experts have casted doubt over the effectiveness of plans to relocate ancient soil. "Ancient soil" is a nice phrase . Certainly better than "old sod". Here's a glimpse of first day at work on the job:

Sound FX: Chainsaws, chopping wood noises.

Gary: Good morning. Welcome to your first day as a habitat translocator for HS2. You see this ancient soil all around us? Precious, unique soil that's taken hundreds of years to develop. We are going to extract the soil and translocate.

Doug: Sounds tricky.

Gary: Sure is.

Doug: What do I use?

Gary: A state of the art P.T.U

Doug: P.T.U?

Gary: precision translocator utensil, here:

Doug: It's a spade.

Gary: Sure, to the untrained eye it's a spade. But what you hold in your hand is a sophisticated shank based device for precise habitat translocation.

Doug: It's a spade. I call a spade a spade. And it's a spade.

Gary: Not at all. It's a highly tuned appliance, configured around a palm-fist interface. It carries out accurate ecosystem translocation when combined with these specific Latex protection garments.

Doug: What's that?

Gary: Gardening gloves. Listen, the theory is that the wood we're chopping down will live on, just in a different form and place.

Doug: I had a bacon sandwich this morning. In about two hours THAT will be in a different form and place. But the bacon sandwich is NOT going to live on.

Gary: Don't get all philosophical on me. I can do that right back at you. Like.....if......if......If a tree is cut down by HS2 developers and no one is there to hear it, does it harm an ecosystem? Tell me that then eh?

Doug: Yes it does.

Gary: Well tell me this then: do bears poop in the woods?

Doug: Yes they do. What's that got to do with anything?

Gary: I was hoping you'd say 'No they don't'. Last time we had to translocate faeces from any species of Ursus Arctos, our specialised polymer truncated cones received discolouration.

Doug: And what's that?

Gary: Bear poo stains the buckets.

END

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BTF

  • Friday 30th October 2020, 12:24pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 558 posts
Quote: Exe Chris @ 30th October 2020, 11:51 AM

Almost forgot, tried a sketch as well. Christmas so not really topical but as close as I'd get timing wise:

FX: knock on the door, door opens and footsteps get louder
Aide : "Ma'am, it's nearly the end of October and we need to start thinking about your Christmas message."
Queen : "Oh do I have to do it again? Surely you can just repeat an old one, everybody will be eating or
watching the Bond film anyway."
Aide : "I'm sorry Ma'am. This year of all years I think the country needs some inspirational words from their
leader...and as Marcus Rashford is really busy it'll have to be you"
Queen : "Oh if I must. It's been so dreadful can I say it's been an Annus Horribilis again?"
Aide : "Well we used that back in 1992. We could go with, in increasing order of seriousness, Annus Terribilis,
Annus Tragedis, Annus Catastrophis, or Annus Andrewis"
Queen : "Ooh better not use that last one"
Prince Phillip : "You could say it's been a right Markle of a year?"
Queen : (wearily) "Shut up dear"
Aide : "I suggest you think about what you want to talk about. If I can give you a few buzzwords to avoid -
pizza, sweating, Harry, Meghan..."
Prince Phillip: "How about the good old Chocolate Orange?"
Aide : "Oh yes that reminds me, please don't mention Trump either"
Queen : "So I can talk about the NHS, Colonel Tom, social distancing and ...?"
Aide : "Clap for carers?"
Queen : "Ok, working from home?"
Aide : "Yes that'd be fine"
Prince Phillip : "Boris Johnson?"
Queen and Aide : "No!"

I like it. Great concept.

Quote: Patrick Robinson @ 30th October 2020, 12:04 PM

Hi Everyone. A sketch I wrote that didn't make it to the show:

As High Speed 2 development continues, ecology experts have casted doubt over the effectiveness of plans to relocate ancient soil. "Ancient soil" is a nice phrase . Certainly better than "old sod". Here's a glimpse of first day at work on the job:

Sound FX: Chainsaws, chopping wood noises.

Gary: Good morning. Welcome to your first day as a habitat translocator for HS2. You see this ancient soil all around us? Precious, unique soil that's taken hundreds of years to develop. We are going to extract the soil and translocate.

Doug: Sounds tricky.

Gary: Sure is.

Doug: What do I use?

Gary: A state of the art P.T.U

Doug: P.T.U?

Gary: precision translocator utensil, here:

Doug: It's a spade.

Gary: Sure, to the untrained eye it's a spade. But what you hold in your hand is a sophisticated shank based device for precise habitat translocation.

Doug: It's a spade. I call a spade a spade. And it's a spade.

Gary: Not at all. It's a highly tuned appliance, configured around a palm-fist interface. It carries out accurate ecosystem translocation when combined with these specific Latex protection garments.

Doug: What's that?

Gary: Gardening gloves. Listen, the theory is that the wood we're chopping down will live on, just in a different form and place.

Doug: I had a bacon sandwich this morning. In about two hours THAT will be in a different form and place. But the bacon sandwich is NOT going to live on.

Gary: Don't get all philosophical on me. I can do that right back at you. Like.....if......if......If a tree is cut down by HS2 developers and no one is there to hear it, does it harm an ecosystem? Tell me that then eh?

Doug: Yes it does.

Gary: Well tell me this then: do bears poop in the woods?

Doug: Yes they do. What's that got to do with anything?

Gary: I was hoping you'd say 'No they don't'. Last time we had to translocate faeces from any species of Ursus Arctos, our specialised polymer truncated cones received discolouration.

Doug: And what's that?

Gary: Bear poo stains the buckets.

END

Like your intro joke..
Clever..and final line

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Mike Sheldon

  • Friday 30th October 2020, 1:50pm
  • England
  • 5 posts

Here's my rejects for this week, one sketch and a few one liners:

Pirates
INTRO: Hampshire constabulary were called out after pirates attempted to seize an oil tanker off the coast of the Isle of Wight. But are the local bobbies up to the task?

PIRATE 1: Well done me hearties, a fine haul and no mistake. We'll just stop here for--
FX: POLICE SIREN
PIRATE 2: Cap'n, to starboard, it be the fuzz!
FX: WINDOW TAPPING
OFFICER: Excuse me gentlemen, is this your vehicle?
PIRATE 1: We took 'er fair and square!
OFFICER: I'm sure you wouldn't mind showing me your paperwork then?
PIRATE 1: Err, well, we'd love to, it's just that, umm...
PIRATE 2: Parrot ate it!
PIRATE 1: Yarr, that's right, parrot ate it.
OFFICER: Mmhmm. And is that a bottle of rum I see beside the wheel?
PIRATE 1: Yo-ho-ho! It be solely medicinal.
OFFICER: Right. Well, I can't breath-test you without breaking the two metre rule, so I'm going to have to let you off with a caution this time--
PIRATE 2: Caution? Pah! We throw caution to the wind!
PIRATE 1: Hush, matey! Thankee officer. Consider us cautioned.
OFFICER: However, I see that you've travelled from Nigeria. So you will be required to self-isolate for two weeks before leaving your ship.
PIRATE 1: Arr, 'tis a great shame. Perhaps we'll just head back out to sea then.
OFFICER: Also, I notice your accents don't sound very Nigerian?
PIRATE 2: Yarr, these be less problematic though. Oo-arr.

Breaking News
1. Donald Trump has cast an early vote for himself. To combat Democrat voter fraud he has vowed to continue voting for himself every day until he wins.
2. Senior Tories have called for Dido Harding to be fired as the head of the Test & Trace program. In response, Dido said: "I will go down with this ship. And I won't put my hands up and surrender."

Good Week/Bad Week
1. It's been a bad week for Welsh supermarkets, after the Welsh Government banned the sale of non-essential items. It's been a good week for Waitrose, who have extended their "Essentials" range to include essential clothes, essential kitchenware and essential PlayStation 5s.
2. It's been a bad week for one cyclist, who got knocked down by Sir Keir Starmer. It's been an even worse week for Starmer, who was hoping he'd hit Boris.

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Dantrobus

  • Friday 30th October 2020, 3:11pm
  • Sheffield, England
  • 129 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 29th October 2020, 9:13 PM

A set of stamps are being released to celebrate 50 years of Star Trek. Royal Mail say they will be produced with just enough adhesive to cling on to the envelope

I also like this one, and agree with BTF's tweak to put 'cling on' at the end.

Quote: Exe Chris @ 30th October 2020, 8:22 AM

1. Boots are going to offer 12 minute results on Covid tests. They say this means they will be able to diagnose Covid 19 to the dozen.

This is a beaut. I'm sad it didn't get on.