Newsjack Series 23 rejects Page 4

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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BTF

  • Saturday 10th October 2020, 7:04pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 548 posts
Quote: Exe Chris @ 10th October 2020, 2:43 PM

My efforts are below. I wasn't surprised that they weren't used. I listened to the podcast this morning and wasn't overly impressed with it, some of the rejects here were far funnier than some of the gags used. It will be forever thus though I guess.
The burglar/kayak joke, the dilated pupils and the ouija board ones could all easily have been used I think.

1. Stumble the one-legged duck has been given his own specially designed wheelchair. His owner says she is very pleased with it, but is worried about the bill.
2. 13 children at a North London secondary school have been taken to hospital after eating sweets thought to be laced with 'cannabis-laced sweets'. A spokesman said that the children were taking High School far too literally.
3. The release of latest James Bond film 'No Time To Die' has been delayed until next year. Sadly, "the rule of 6" has done for 007.

1. It was a bad week for Matt Hancock, who admitted that the Covid error where 16000 results were lost, 'shouldn't have happened'
It was a good week for Matt Hancock as he proved that he knew that an error was a 'bad thing'.
2. It's been a bad week for thousands of students as they contract Covid 19 with the illness meaning everything 'tastes like cardboard'.
It's been a good week for hundreds of male freshers as they have had better tasting food than they otherwise would have.
3. It's been a bad week for Apple as they have found thousands of their old devices still in use after being sent to be recycled.
It's been a good week for Apple as their accountants have used the news to cut the tax that they pay even further.

Personally like 1 2 4

I will listen but I know I will take your view.

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Dantrobus

  • Thursday 15th October 2020, 9:34pm
  • Sheffield, England
  • 109 posts

This week's disappointments:

BREAKING NEWS:
Researchers have found that children's preferred musical rhythms are influenced by their parent's walking speed. Which explains why my favourite album is Now That's What I Call Driving to the Corner Shop.

A revamped nuclear bunker was among the winners of the UK museum of the year award. Staff said they were happy to win but hoped there wouldn't be any fallout.

M&S faced ridicule for selling pots of chip shop scraps. The company said they were ready for a battering.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
A good week for the European Space Agency which has finalised plans for lunar exploration missions. A bad week for the UK's mission which was thwarted when Boris Johnson glued the lolly stick wings to his hand.

A good week for Singapore Airlines who sold out tickets to have a meal on a passenger jet which would stay parked on the tarmac. And a good week for horny Singaporeans hoping to join the twenty foot high club.

A good week for Bletchley Park which received a million pound donation from Facebook. A better week for visitors who can now use the Enigma machine to decipher their Aunty's passive-aggressive posts.

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skram

  • Friday 16th October 2020, 12:03pm
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 87 posts

My rejects...

BREAKING NEWS:
1. In Scotland a seagull brought down a drone in an aggressive attack - the drone operator has claimed the seagull was after his microchips.

2. Kevin De Bruyne has tipped the England football team to win either the European Championships or the World Cup, reinforcing concerns in the sport that heading the ball can cause brain damage.

3. A rare book by Sir Isaac Newton has sold for £22,000 - the lucky owner said the news had taken a while to hit him at 9.8 metres per second squared.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for a Japanese tourist after Peruvian authorities opened the entire Machu Picchu site just for him; it's been a bad week for the Japanese tourist who said the famous high-altitude site didn't have much atmosphere.

2. It's been a good week for rapper Logic who bought a rare Pokémon card for over £170,000; it's been a bad week for fellow Pokémon-collector Logan Paul who refused to pay a higher price as that would have defied Logic.

3. It's been a good week for 1 in 25 people who think fish smells like roses or caramel; it's been a bad week for their other halves who are going to get a very unexpected present for Christmas.

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Exe Chris

  • Saturday 17th October 2020, 9:11am
  • Exeter, England
  • 85 posts
Quote: Dantrobus @ 15th October 2020, 9:34 PM

This week's disappointments:

BREAKING NEWS:
Researchers have found that children's preferred musical rhythms are influenced by their parent's walking speed. Which explains why my favourite album is Now That's What I Call Driving to the Corner Shop.

A revamped nuclear bunker was among the winners of the UK museum of the year award. Staff said they were happy to win but hoped there wouldn't be any fallout.

M&S faced ridicule for selling pots of chip shop scraps. The company said they were ready for a battering.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
A good week for the European Space Agency which has finalised plans for lunar exploration missions. A bad week for the UK's mission which was thwarted when Boris Johnson glued the lolly stick wings to his hand.

A good week for Singapore Airlines who sold out tickets to have a meal on a passenger jet which would stay parked on the tarmac. And a good week for horny Singaporeans hoping to join the twenty foot high club.

A good week for Bletchley Park which received a million pound donation from Facebook. A better week for visitors who can now use the Enigma machine to decipher their Aunty's passive-aggressive posts.

Nice; both number 2s were my favourite especially the gwbw one.

Quote: skram @ 16th October 2020, 12:03 PM

My rejects...

BREAKING NEWS:
1. In Scotland a seagull brought down a drone in an aggressive attack - the drone operator has claimed the seagull was after his microchips.

2. Kevin De Bruyne has tipped the England football team to win either the European Championships or the World Cup, reinforcing concerns in the sport that heading the ball can cause brain damage.

3. A rare book by Sir Isaac Newton has sold for £22,000 - the lucky owner said the news had taken a while to hit him at 9.8 metres per second squared.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for a Japanese tourist after Peruvian authorities opened the entire Machu Picchu site just for him; it's been a bad week for the Japanese tourist who said the famous high-altitude site didn't have much atmosphere.

2. It's been a good week for rapper Logic who bought a rare Pokémon card for over £170,000; it's been a bad week for fellow Pokémon-collector Logan Paul who refused to pay a higher price as that would have defied Logic.

3. It's been a good week for 1 in 25 people who think fish smells like roses or caramel; it's been a bad week for their other halves who are going to get a very unexpected present for Christmas.

Yeah like these as well. BN1 and GWBW2 the pick for me but as above all broadcastable.

My efforts for this week. I liked the 2nd BN one but was well aware it didn't 'work' being read out in the form it ended up in.
Breaking News
1. A veteran fund-raiser is aiming to hike up Snowdon in a deep sea diving suit. For some unfathomable reason.
2. A black headed gull in Scotland this week attacked a drone and forced it to crash. It damaged the propeller, thus proving in this case that one good Tern destroys another.
3. No surprise as at all as the Government's latest Covid advice ends in Tiers.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for a Welshman who found a rare 1729 book by Sir Isaac Newton which later sold for £22,000.
It's been a bad week for Newton's theory as the value of this book has proved that not everything that goes up must come down.
2. It's been a bad week for the Government, who have admitted that the Government backed ballet dancer retraining advert is 'Crass'.
It's been a good week for Culture Secretary Oliver Dowden, who's next job could be in cyber, but he doesn't know it yet.

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Kenny Bania

  • Saturday 17th October 2020, 3:19pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 253 posts

I struggled to get a full set this week and my breaking news pair are pretty poor - the Mike Pence fly story was already old news - although I was reasonably happy with the gwbws

A fly that landed on the head of vice president Mike Pence has apologised, claiming it mistook his hairstyle for a buzz cut

A survey has revealed that deep voiced men are more likely to engage in infidelity. By the way, darling, I'll be back a bit later tonight ....( said in o.t.t. high pitch ) but don't worry it's all above board

It's been a good week for a restaurant in Prague who've been selling out of a dessert shaped like coronavirus. And a good week for the UK as this will soon be available here in a larger, three tier version

It's been a good week for travellers on a rural Japanese train line, as they are being entertained on their journey by wrestlers. But a bad week for the ticket inspectors, as the wrestlers have only one place to keep their tickets

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TheKingLobotomy

  • Tuesday 20th October 2020, 8:31pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 181 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 17th October 2020, 3:19 PM

It's been a good week for a restaurant in Prague who've been selling out of a dessert shaped like coronavirus. And a good week for the UK as this will soon be available here in a larger, three tier version

I think you could cut the word count down, but thats a solid gag.

Here are a few of my rejects from the first 4 weeks.

Viewers of Great British Bake Off Extra Slice have complained that the socially distanced show was using a laugh track. Channel 4 stated the show does not use any canned ingredients and only imports the finest fresh laughter

Culture Secretary, Oliver Dowden, has said there will be no easing on theatre regulations. You will still have to watch the whole show no matter how boring it is.

Good Week for time loop movies, as "Bill and Ted" and "Tenet" are both hits at the box office.
Good Week for time loop movies as "Bill and Ted" and "Tenet" are both hits at the box office.

Bad Week for Steph McGovern as her new channel 4 show registered zero viewers.
Good Week for the program makers, as the job support scheme means it won't be axed for at least six months.

Alicia Keys felt like she was from another planet during her first Grammy nominations according to a new interview which she has done in her chosen medium, crop circles.

After twitter tighten their rules on tweeting about the US election the president complains that he keeps getting the "fail whale". That was until someone pointed out his phone was set to selfie mode.

According to a recent survey parents say that "damsel in distress" stories are no longer relevant. Apparently the idea of a woman being trapped indoors with nothing to do day after day is farfetched.

Good week for a man who had a tooth brush removed from his stomach after accidently swallowing it.
Bad week for the tooth fairy as she has to wait for the swallowed teeth to make a "natural exit"

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skram

  • Wednesday 21st October 2020, 7:52am
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 87 posts
Quote: TheKingLobotomy @ 20th October 2020, 8:31 PM

Viewers of Great British Bake Off Extra Slice have complained that the socially distanced show was using a laugh track. Channel 4 stated the show does not use any canned ingredients and only imports the finest fresh laughter

Ha, that's a good one - I would stop it at "canned laughter" maybe as that's the real punchline IMO.

Culture Secretary, Oliver Dowden, has said there will be no easing on theatre regulations. You will still have to watch the whole show no matter how boring it is.

Bad Week for Steph McGovern as her new channel 4 show registered zero viewers.
Good Week for the program makers, as the job support scheme means it won't be axed for at least six months.

I also like both of these and can definitely relate to the first one.