Newsjack Series 23 rejects Page 4

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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BTF

  • Saturday 10th October 2020, 7:04pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 558 posts
Quote: Exe Chris @ 10th October 2020, 2:43 PM

My efforts are below. I wasn't surprised that they weren't used. I listened to the podcast this morning and wasn't overly impressed with it, some of the rejects here were far funnier than some of the gags used. It will be forever thus though I guess.
The burglar/kayak joke, the dilated pupils and the ouija board ones could all easily have been used I think.

1. Stumble the one-legged duck has been given his own specially designed wheelchair. His owner says she is very pleased with it, but is worried about the bill.
2. 13 children at a North London secondary school have been taken to hospital after eating sweets thought to be laced with 'cannabis-laced sweets'. A spokesman said that the children were taking High School far too literally.
3. The release of latest James Bond film 'No Time To Die' has been delayed until next year. Sadly, "the rule of 6" has done for 007.

1. It was a bad week for Matt Hancock, who admitted that the Covid error where 16000 results were lost, 'shouldn't have happened'
It was a good week for Matt Hancock as he proved that he knew that an error was a 'bad thing'.
2. It's been a bad week for thousands of students as they contract Covid 19 with the illness meaning everything 'tastes like cardboard'.
It's been a good week for hundreds of male freshers as they have had better tasting food than they otherwise would have.
3. It's been a bad week for Apple as they have found thousands of their old devices still in use after being sent to be recycled.
It's been a good week for Apple as their accountants have used the news to cut the tax that they pay even further.

Personally like 1 2 4

I will listen but I know I will take your view.

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Dantrobus

  • Thursday 15th October 2020, 9:34pm
  • Sheffield, England
  • 128 posts

This week's disappointments:

BREAKING NEWS:
Researchers have found that children's preferred musical rhythms are influenced by their parent's walking speed. Which explains why my favourite album is Now That's What I Call Driving to the Corner Shop.

A revamped nuclear bunker was among the winners of the UK museum of the year award. Staff said they were happy to win but hoped there wouldn't be any fallout.

M&S faced ridicule for selling pots of chip shop scraps. The company said they were ready for a battering.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
A good week for the European Space Agency which has finalised plans for lunar exploration missions. A bad week for the UK's mission which was thwarted when Boris Johnson glued the lolly stick wings to his hand.

A good week for Singapore Airlines who sold out tickets to have a meal on a passenger jet which would stay parked on the tarmac. And a good week for horny Singaporeans hoping to join the twenty foot high club.

A good week for Bletchley Park which received a million pound donation from Facebook. A better week for visitors who can now use the Enigma machine to decipher their Aunty's passive-aggressive posts.

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skram

  • Friday 16th October 2020, 12:03pm
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 96 posts

My rejects...

BREAKING NEWS:
1. In Scotland a seagull brought down a drone in an aggressive attack - the drone operator has claimed the seagull was after his microchips.

2. Kevin De Bruyne has tipped the England football team to win either the European Championships or the World Cup, reinforcing concerns in the sport that heading the ball can cause brain damage.

3. A rare book by Sir Isaac Newton has sold for £22,000 - the lucky owner said the news had taken a while to hit him at 9.8 metres per second squared.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for a Japanese tourist after Peruvian authorities opened the entire Machu Picchu site just for him; it's been a bad week for the Japanese tourist who said the famous high-altitude site didn't have much atmosphere.

2. It's been a good week for rapper Logic who bought a rare Pokémon card for over £170,000; it's been a bad week for fellow Pokémon-collector Logan Paul who refused to pay a higher price as that would have defied Logic.

3. It's been a good week for 1 in 25 people who think fish smells like roses or caramel; it's been a bad week for their other halves who are going to get a very unexpected present for Christmas.

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Exe Chris

  • Saturday 17th October 2020, 9:11am
  • Exeter, England
  • 91 posts
Quote: Dantrobus @ 15th October 2020, 9:34 PM

This week's disappointments:

BREAKING NEWS:
Researchers have found that children's preferred musical rhythms are influenced by their parent's walking speed. Which explains why my favourite album is Now That's What I Call Driving to the Corner Shop.

A revamped nuclear bunker was among the winners of the UK museum of the year award. Staff said they were happy to win but hoped there wouldn't be any fallout.

M&S faced ridicule for selling pots of chip shop scraps. The company said they were ready for a battering.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
A good week for the European Space Agency which has finalised plans for lunar exploration missions. A bad week for the UK's mission which was thwarted when Boris Johnson glued the lolly stick wings to his hand.

A good week for Singapore Airlines who sold out tickets to have a meal on a passenger jet which would stay parked on the tarmac. And a good week for horny Singaporeans hoping to join the twenty foot high club.

A good week for Bletchley Park which received a million pound donation from Facebook. A better week for visitors who can now use the Enigma machine to decipher their Aunty's passive-aggressive posts.

Nice; both number 2s were my favourite especially the gwbw one.

Quote: skram @ 16th October 2020, 12:03 PM

My rejects...

BREAKING NEWS:
1. In Scotland a seagull brought down a drone in an aggressive attack - the drone operator has claimed the seagull was after his microchips.

2. Kevin De Bruyne has tipped the England football team to win either the European Championships or the World Cup, reinforcing concerns in the sport that heading the ball can cause brain damage.

3. A rare book by Sir Isaac Newton has sold for £22,000 - the lucky owner said the news had taken a while to hit him at 9.8 metres per second squared.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for a Japanese tourist after Peruvian authorities opened the entire Machu Picchu site just for him; it's been a bad week for the Japanese tourist who said the famous high-altitude site didn't have much atmosphere.

2. It's been a good week for rapper Logic who bought a rare Pokémon card for over £170,000; it's been a bad week for fellow Pokémon-collector Logan Paul who refused to pay a higher price as that would have defied Logic.

3. It's been a good week for 1 in 25 people who think fish smells like roses or caramel; it's been a bad week for their other halves who are going to get a very unexpected present for Christmas.

Yeah like these as well. BN1 and GWBW2 the pick for me but as above all broadcastable.

My efforts for this week. I liked the 2nd BN one but was well aware it didn't 'work' being read out in the form it ended up in.
Breaking News
1. A veteran fund-raiser is aiming to hike up Snowdon in a deep sea diving suit. For some unfathomable reason.
2. A black headed gull in Scotland this week attacked a drone and forced it to crash. It damaged the propeller, thus proving in this case that one good Tern destroys another.
3. No surprise as at all as the Government's latest Covid advice ends in Tiers.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for a Welshman who found a rare 1729 book by Sir Isaac Newton which later sold for £22,000.
It's been a bad week for Newton's theory as the value of this book has proved that not everything that goes up must come down.
2. It's been a bad week for the Government, who have admitted that the Government backed ballet dancer retraining advert is 'Crass'.
It's been a good week for Culture Secretary Oliver Dowden, who's next job could be in cyber, but he doesn't know it yet.

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Kenny Bania

  • Saturday 17th October 2020, 3:19pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 263 posts

I struggled to get a full set this week and my breaking news pair are pretty poor - the Mike Pence fly story was already old news - although I was reasonably happy with the gwbws

A fly that landed on the head of vice president Mike Pence has apologised, claiming it mistook his hairstyle for a buzz cut

A survey has revealed that deep voiced men are more likely to engage in infidelity. By the way, darling, I'll be back a bit later tonight ....( said in o.t.t. high pitch ) but don't worry it's all above board

It's been a good week for a restaurant in Prague who've been selling out of a dessert shaped like coronavirus. And a good week for the UK as this will soon be available here in a larger, three tier version

It's been a good week for travellers on a rural Japanese train line, as they are being entertained on their journey by wrestlers. But a bad week for the ticket inspectors, as the wrestlers have only one place to keep their tickets

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TheKingLobotomy

  • Tuesday 20th October 2020, 8:31pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 188 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 17th October 2020, 3:19 PM

It's been a good week for a restaurant in Prague who've been selling out of a dessert shaped like coronavirus. And a good week for the UK as this will soon be available here in a larger, three tier version

I think you could cut the word count down, but thats a solid gag.

Here are a few of my rejects from the first 4 weeks.

Viewers of Great British Bake Off Extra Slice have complained that the socially distanced show was using a laugh track. Channel 4 stated the show does not use any canned ingredients and only imports the finest fresh laughter

Culture Secretary, Oliver Dowden, has said there will be no easing on theatre regulations. You will still have to watch the whole show no matter how boring it is.

Good Week for time loop movies, as "Bill and Ted" and "Tenet" are both hits at the box office.
Good Week for time loop movies as "Bill and Ted" and "Tenet" are both hits at the box office.

Bad Week for Steph McGovern as her new channel 4 show registered zero viewers.
Good Week for the program makers, as the job support scheme means it won't be axed for at least six months.

Alicia Keys felt like she was from another planet during her first Grammy nominations according to a new interview which she has done in her chosen medium, crop circles.

After twitter tighten their rules on tweeting about the US election the president complains that he keeps getting the "fail whale". That was until someone pointed out his phone was set to selfie mode.

According to a recent survey parents say that "damsel in distress" stories are no longer relevant. Apparently the idea of a woman being trapped indoors with nothing to do day after day is farfetched.

Good week for a man who had a tooth brush removed from his stomach after accidently swallowing it.
Bad week for the tooth fairy as she has to wait for the swallowed teeth to make a "natural exit"

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skram

  • Wednesday 21st October 2020, 7:52am
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 96 posts
Quote: TheKingLobotomy @ 20th October 2020, 8:31 PM

Viewers of Great British Bake Off Extra Slice have complained that the socially distanced show was using a laugh track. Channel 4 stated the show does not use any canned ingredients and only imports the finest fresh laughter

Ha, that's a good one - I would stop it at "canned laughter" maybe as that's the real punchline IMO.

Culture Secretary, Oliver Dowden, has said there will be no easing on theatre regulations. You will still have to watch the whole show no matter how boring it is.

Bad Week for Steph McGovern as her new channel 4 show registered zero viewers.
Good Week for the program makers, as the job support scheme means it won't be axed for at least six months.

I also like both of these and can definitely relate to the first one.

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Dantrobus

  • Friday 23rd October 2020, 7:57am
  • Sheffield, England
  • 128 posts

My rejected oneliners (and one accepted gag):

BREAKING NEWS:

1. An American spacecraft is attempting to briefly land on an asteroid to collect rock
samples in a manoeuvre known as a 'high five'. Scientists have overruled plans to
follow this with a 'down below, too slow' manoeuvre. (THIS ONE WAS USED)

2. A couple who posed for wedding photographs on live railway tracks have been
criticised by Network Rail. On the bright side, getting run over by the Flying
Scotsman was their something old AND something blue.

3. Scottish pubs have been warned about people organising fake funerals to get
around indoor drinking restrictions. One such fake funeral was discovered when
the landlord saw a stiff drink.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. A bad week for the environment as Japan wants to release one million tonnes of
contaminated water from the Fukushima nuclear disaster into the sea. But a good
week for fans of glow-in-the-dark sushi.

2. A good week for Morrisons, Waitrose and John Lewis who have got good PR for
their pledge not to use microplastic glitter in their Christmas products. A bad week
for sealife which will still die, just less fabulously.

3. A bad week for non-league side Stoke Gabriel FC, who have conceded a record
one hundred and twenty two goals in ten games. A good week for Kier Starmer
who is now only the second least effective opposition in the country.

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Kenny Bania

  • Friday 23rd October 2020, 12:10pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 263 posts
Quote: Dantrobus @ 23rd October 2020, 7:57 AM

My rejected oneliners (and one accepted gag):

BREAKING NEWS:

1. An American spacecraft is attempting to briefly land on an asteroid to collect rock
samples in a manoeuvre known as a 'high five'. Scientists have overruled plans to
follow this with a 'down below, too slow' manoeuvre. (THIS ONE WAS USED)

2. A couple who posed for wedding photographs on live railway tracks have been
criticised by Network Rail. On the bright side, getting run over by the Flying
Scotsman was their something old AND something blue.

3. Scottish pubs have been warned about people organising fake funerals to get
around indoor drinking restrictions. One such fake funeral was discovered when
the landlord saw a stiff drink.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. A bad week for the environment as Japan wants to release one million tonnes of
contaminated water from the Fukushima nuclear disaster into the sea. But a good
week for fans of glow-in-the-dark sushi.

2. A good week for Morrisons, Waitrose and John Lewis who have got good PR for
their pledge not to use microplastic glitter in their Christmas products. A bad week
for sealife which will still die, just less fabulously.

3. A bad week for non-league side Stoke Gabriel FC, who have conceded a record
one hundred and twenty two goals in ten games. A good week for Kier Starmer
who is now only the second least effective opposition in the country.

Particularly like number 3 of the breaking news batch

A few of mine - was pleased with the first one, but probably more suitable for Masterchef than Newsjack... - and I must take on board Kinglobotomys point about my gwbw word count, as these are probably too long

Nine people have been heavily fined for picking mushrooms in Epping Forest. A forest spokesperson said 'Please don't take our mushrooms or it'll cost you - that's the morel of the story'

Gary Lineker has been seen shopping without a face mask. Fellow football pundits Ian Wright and Graham Souness said he obviously didn't understand the inside rule

It's been a good week for Priti Patel, who has paid £45,000 to become a member of Marylebone Cricket Club and can now watch test matches at Lords. It's been a bad week for for Priti Patel, after Lords revealed they've sold the ground to a refugee charity , who will turn it into a centre for asylum seekers

It's been a good week for lovers of all thing geek after plans to open up new stores were revealed by retailer Geek Retreat. But a bad week for a few lovers of mezze, souvlaki and baklava who appear to have misheard the store name

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skram

  • Sunday 25th October 2020, 8:57am
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 96 posts
Quote: Dantrobus @ 23rd October 2020, 7:57 AM

2. A good week for Morrisons, Waitrose and John Lewis who have got good PR for their pledge not to use microplastic glitter in their Christmas products. A bad week for sealife which will still die, just less fabulously.

I like this one, especially as it's in the harder GWBW category!

Quote: Kenny Bania @ 23rd October 2020, 12:10 PM

Nine people have been heavily fined for picking mushrooms in Epping Forest. A forest spokesperson said 'Please don't take our mushrooms or it'll cost you - that's the morel of the story'

I like this one too, but IMO I think this will have gone waaaaay over NJ's collective heads.

My rejects plus the one that got on:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Comic and gaming store 'Geek Retreat' has announced plans to expand rapidly, stating it hopes to extend its number of stores to two to the power of seven minus four factorial plus 'e' to the 'i' pi.

2. A Brazilian senator has been caught hiding cash between his butt cheeks - a police spokesman said they were hoping that he planned to launder the money.

3. British Airways has been fined £20m for a customer data breach - the airline stated that they hope to recover the cost the next time a customer orders a small tub of Pringles and a Kit Kat.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for conservationists who have announced that the last 2 Northern White Rhinos are both female; it's been a good week for the two rhinos who are hoping to adopt.

2. It's been a bad week for American patriots after Bruce Springsteen said he will go to Australia if Donald Trump is re-elected; it's been a good week for Australian dyslexics as Bruce was "Born in the AUS! I was, born in the AUS!". (*)

3. It's been a bad week for conservationists as the number of hedgehogs killed on our roads was estimated at 335,000; it's been a good week for hedgehogs as the numbers have definitely flattened out.

(*) I must admit I only included this one as they seem obsessed with singing song lyrics this series, I feel like I have prostituted myself.

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Thief Of Bad Gags

  • Sunday 25th October 2020, 9:29pm
  • Rotherham, United Kingdom
  • 155 posts

Here were my three ;-)
The drinks bar and five stools from Adolf Hitler's yacht are going up for sale next week which goes to prove, Hitler really did have one bar.

Experts in India claim mobile phone users will be protected from radiation thanks to a chip made of cow dung. Experts weren't happy when they got a pat on the back.

Under new rules, covering the face with a kilt is not allowed in Scotland's workplace canteens as this is to protect short sighted dinner ladies from serving up the wrong meat and two veg.

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Kenny Bania

  • Monday 26th October 2020, 9:36am
  • United Kingdom
  • 263 posts
Quote: Thief Of Bad Gags @ 25th October 2020, 9:29 PM

Here were my three ;-)
The drinks bar and five stools from Adolf Hitler's yacht are going up for sale next week which goes to prove, Hitler really did have one bar.

Experts in India claim mobile phone users will be protected from radiation thanks to a chip made of cow dung. Experts weren't happy when they got a pat on the back.

Under new rules, covering the face with a kilt is not allowed in Scotland's workplace canteens as this is to protect short sighted dinner ladies from serving up the wrong meat and two veg.

With number two, I'd probably not start both sentences with the word experts but instead might go with :
'Experts in India claim mobile phone users will be protected from radiation thanks to a chip made of cow dung. The researchers were hoping they weren't rewarded with a pat on the back '

The third one sounds too long as one sentence when read aloud - I reckon it would work better stopping after the word canteens for whatever payoff you choose in the second sentence

Good luck for the last episode

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Exe Chris

  • Monday 26th October 2020, 9:06pm
  • Exeter, England
  • 91 posts

Especially like the money laundering, hedgehogs, Gary Lineker, and stiff drink ones.

For what it's worth here are mine. Was pleased with the idea behind "going Dutch" but couldn't make it work:

1. The King and Queen of the Netherlands flew back after just one night of their holiday to Greece this week in a slightly less romantic example of 'Going Dutch' on a trip abroad.
2. The Government refutes claims that they'd have better results on track and trace if they stopped using Serco and started using Lord Coe.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for the girl who's boyfriend suggested they share the cost of a holiday to Greece.
It's been a bad week for the same girl when she realised that 'Going Dutch' now meant the holiday only lasted one night.
2. It's been a good week for the family from Cambridgeshire who were reunited with their cat "Biscuit" after it went missing 3 years ago.
It's been a bad week for the family after the vet did a check up on it and advised it was suffering from digestive problems.
3. It's been a bad week for the Tokyo Olympics as reports say they have been targeted by hackers.
It's been a good week for the Russians as they have found their best chance of 'meddling' at the Olympics.

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BTF

  • Tuesday 27th October 2020, 8:45am
  • United Kingdom
  • 558 posts

Read through last two batches here. As usual all of the posters here that I have not individually commented yet due to time have one or more jokes that could be on the show and that are IMO funnier than some on the show.

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Kenny Bania

  • Tuesday 27th October 2020, 9:03am
  • United Kingdom
  • 263 posts
Quote: Exe Chris @ 26th October 2020, 9:06 PM

Especially like the money laundering, hedgehogs, Gary Lineker, and stiff drink ones.

For what it's worth here are mine. Was pleased with the idea behind "going Dutch" but couldn't make it work:

1. The King and Queen of the Netherlands flew back after just one night of their holiday to Greece this week in a slightly less romantic example of 'Going Dutch' on a trip abroad.
2. The Government refutes claims that they'd have better results on track and trace if they stopped using Serco and started using Lord Coe.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for the girl who's boyfriend suggested they share the cost of a holiday to Greece.
It's been a bad week for the same girl when she realised that 'Going Dutch' now meant the holiday only lasted one night.
2. It's been a good week for the family from Cambridgeshire who were reunited with their cat "Biscuit" after it went missing 3 years ago.
It's been a bad week for the family after the vet did a check up on it and advised it was suffering from digestive problems.
3. It's been a bad week for the Tokyo Olympics as reports say they have been targeted by hackers.
It's been a good week for the Russians as they have found their best chance of 'meddling' at the Olympics.

'digestive problems' ....now that is funny ( I tried to come up with something on this story - wish I'd thought of that )