I'm sharing this sketch because I'm honestly gutted it didn't make the script. I've had quite a few sketches on and I think this is my best work
ASYLUM OBSTACLE COURSE
KIRI: Priti Patel has been criticised for refusing to deny that the Home Office made plans to install a wave machine in the English Channel to deter migrants. Some don't see the benefit of installing a wave machine in an ocean, but those are the same naysayers who pooh-poohed my Dragon's Den idea, an electric shower for rain clouds. Just how hard is it to claim asylum in the UK now?
ATMOS: ASYLUM CENTRE
FX: TANNOY BING-BONG
TANNOY: Anyone who is seeking asylum in the UK please step forward. Anyone who accidentally turned left at Calais and thought they were in Germany please use exit B.
FX: ASYLUM SEEKERS RUNNING TO EXIT B
MANDY: I'm American, please help me! My country is a figurative and literal tinderbox, Covid is everywhere and in November my president is going to either be an old white racist, or Donald Trump. I want live here.
THOMAS: Of course madam, let me see if I can help you.
FX: COMPUTER TYPING
MANDY: Oh thank God. I heard it's become difficult to claim asylum in the UK, what with all the floating barriers and everything.
THOMAS: [JOVIAL LAUGH] Oh no, those are just silly media rumours, we don't have floating barriers, a wave machine in the English Channel, or giant mechanical venomous scorpions.
MANDY: I'm sorry? Mechanical scorpions!?
THOMAS: Venomous mechanical scorpions. We don't have any of those.
MANDY: Okay good... so what do I need to do?
THOMAS: There's just a simple form you need to fill out. Go through that door on the left, up the stairs, then swim through the shark infested tank, past the venomous mechanical scorpions, over the rickety bridge that crosses the bottomless pit and then... just ask for Janice.
MANDY: Okay, does she have the form?
THOMAS: No. I don't think a Janice even works here, but if you manage to find her she has the ancient pirate map that will lead you to the Svengali.
MANDY: And I get the form from this Svengali?
THOMAS: Oh dear Lord no. But he will ask you three riddles and...
FX: MR WATSON RUSHING IN THROUGH DOOR
THOMAS: I'm sure Mr Watson can explain the rest - Mr Watson, delighted to see you're back. Do you have the form?
MR WATSON: [EXHAUSTED] I did it! I did it. I had to break into the Saqqara Necropolis, fight off dozens of cursed mummies and recover the Ark of the Covenant but I did it! I got the form.
THOMAS: [SUCKING IN AIR THROUGH TEETH] I am sorry Mr Watson but this is our old form. The new one is hidden, I mean conveniently located in the Holy Grail. I'm afraid your application has been denied.
MR WATSON: No, no, no!
THOMAS: So Miss.
THOMAS: Miss Mandy did you get all that?
MANDY: I think so. I go through that door, through the shark tank, past the mechanical venomous scorpions who may or may not exist, over the rickety bridge that's above the bottomless pit...
THOMAS: And by the world's most powerful wind machine, yes.
MANDY: Find a random woman called Janice who will give me the map to a Svengali, then he'll ask me three riddles which I somehow use to find the mythical Holy Grail that happens to contain the form.
THOMAS: Yes, we've really stream lined the process.
MANDY: And then after I've done all that will I get asylum?
THOMAS: Probably not, but the good news is you will most likely qualify to be in the next Olympics.