Newsjack Series 23 rejects Page 3

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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Dantrobus

  • Saturday 3rd October 2020, 2:08pm
  • Sheffield, England
  • 127 posts
Quote: wwwwwh @ 3rd October 2020, 2:05 PM

Weren't they saying the opposite? Most stories are bad news, so usually the setup is "bad week". Certainly that's my experience trying to write the things.

I'm not sure it was even advice, just an observation that most GWBWs they receive actually go BWGW.

Oh maybe they were and I misremembered. I didn't think it was advice, but they did encourage more of whichever one they don't get.

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DeathbyMonkey

  • Thursday 8th October 2020, 6:19pm
  • England
  • 716 posts

I'm sharing this sketch because I'm honestly gutted it didn't make the script. I've had quite a few sketches on and I think this is my best work

ASYLUM OBSTACLE COURSE

KIRI: Priti Patel has been criticised for refusing to deny that the Home Office made plans to install a wave machine in the English Channel to deter migrants. Some don't see the benefit of installing a wave machine in an ocean, but those are the same naysayers who pooh-poohed my Dragon's Den idea, an electric shower for rain clouds. Just how hard is it to claim asylum in the UK now?
ATMOS: ASYLUM CENTRE
FX: TANNOY BING-BONG
TANNOY: Anyone who is seeking asylum in the UK please step forward. Anyone who accidentally turned left at Calais and thought they were in Germany please use exit B.
FX: ASYLUM SEEKERS RUNNING TO EXIT B
MANDY: I'm American, please help me! My country is a figurative and literal tinderbox, Covid is everywhere and in November my president is going to either be an old white racist, or Donald Trump. I want live here.
THOMAS: Of course madam, let me see if I can help you.
FX: COMPUTER TYPING
MANDY: Oh thank God. I heard it's become difficult to claim asylum in the UK, what with all the floating barriers and everything.
THOMAS: [JOVIAL LAUGH] Oh no, those are just silly media rumours, we don't have floating barriers, a wave machine in the English Channel, or giant mechanical venomous scorpions.
MANDY: I'm sorry? Mechanical scorpions!?
THOMAS: Venomous mechanical scorpions. We don't have any of those.
MANDY: Okay good... so what do I need to do?
THOMAS: There's just a simple form you need to fill out. Go through that door on the left, up the stairs, then swim through the shark infested tank, past the venomous mechanical scorpions, over the rickety bridge that crosses the bottomless pit and then... just ask for Janice.
MANDY: Okay, does she have the form?
THOMAS: No. I don't think a Janice even works here, but if you manage to find her she has the ancient pirate map that will lead you to the Svengali.
MANDY: And I get the form from this Svengali?
THOMAS: Oh dear Lord no. But he will ask you three riddles and...
FX: MR WATSON RUSHING IN THROUGH DOOR
THOMAS: I'm sure Mr Watson can explain the rest - Mr Watson, delighted to see you're back. Do you have the form?
MR WATSON: [EXHAUSTED] I did it! I did it. I had to break into the Saqqara Necropolis, fight off dozens of cursed mummies and recover the Ark of the Covenant but I did it! I got the form.
THOMAS: [SUCKING IN AIR THROUGH TEETH] I am sorry Mr Watson but this is our old form. The new one is hidden, I mean conveniently located in the Holy Grail. I'm afraid your application has been denied.
MR WATSON: No, no, no!
THOMAS: So Miss.
MANDY: Mandy.
THOMAS: Miss Mandy did you get all that?
MANDY: I think so. I go through that door, through the shark tank, past the mechanical venomous scorpions who may or may not exist, over the rickety bridge that's above the bottomless pit...
THOMAS: And by the world's most powerful wind machine, yes.
MANDY: Find a random woman called Janice who will give me the map to a Svengali, then he'll ask me three riddles which I somehow use to find the mythical Holy Grail that happens to contain the form.
THOMAS: Yes, we've really stream lined the process.
MANDY: And then after I've done all that will I get asylum?
THOMAS: Probably not, but the good news is you will most likely qualify to be in the next Olympics.

END

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Kenny Bania

  • Thursday 8th October 2020, 10:25pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 263 posts

DBM - Strikes me as pretty good
I struggle with the sketch format, never come up with tightly written stuff like this

My attempts this week ( first one probably a decent idea but sounds clumsy ) :

A burglar who broke into a shed and stole a kayak was caught, proving they can't have your kayak and beat it

A teenage birdwatcher has won a six figure advance for her memoirs. The cover price of the book is yet to be revealed but it won't be cheep

Owners of a 'ring smart' doorbell have complained that it is chiming when there is no-one there. British Gas have denied that their engineers aren't allowing customers enough time to answer the door

It's been a bad week for Countdowns Susie Dent after her book 'Word Perfect' was published with a string of errors. But a good week to say 'I wonder how that happened....hmmm....bit of a conundrum '

It's been a bad week for Jeremy Corbyn after he was pictured with more than 6 people at a dinner party. But a good week for Jeremy to remind people that dinner is for the many, not the few

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skram

  • Friday 9th October 2020, 8:25am [Edited]
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 96 posts
Quote: DeathbyMonkey @ 8th October 2020, 6:19 PM

THOMAS: There's just a simple form you need to fill out. Go through that door on the left, up the stairs, then swim through the shark infested tank, past the venomous mechanical scorpions, over the rickety bridge that crosses the bottomless pit and then... just ask for Janice.

I liked the idea and sketch up to here DBM, I wonder whether after this point you needed to take it in a different direction and/or tie it in with a second story somehow? It seemed a bit like the same joke repeated after this point, maybe they could have had to ask for Priti Patel and that made them change their mind, etc? Just IMO, and given I've never had a sketch on I expect I'm utterly wrong :)

Here are my 3 one-liner rejects:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Thirteen schoolchildren in London fell ill after eating sweets laced with cannabis - teachers said their suspicions were aroused when they noticed all their pupils were dilated.

2. Poundland have come under fire for selling Ouija boards - a spokesman defended the move, saying they were just trying to raise people's spirits.

3. Cineworld have temporarily closed all of their cinemas due to a lack of new films being released, however they have moved to reassure customers that when they re-open they'll still be selling the exact same hot dogs.

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Dantrobus

  • Friday 9th October 2020, 8:27am
  • Sheffield, England
  • 127 posts

Enjoyed your sketch, DBM. Certainly up there with the standard of sketches that have made the show this series.

Kenny Bania - liked both your GWBWs. Prefer your Countdown gag to the BN on this story they used (blah, blah, page missing a consonant, vowel, vowel, consonant)

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Kenny Bania

  • Friday 9th October 2020, 10:58am
  • United Kingdom
  • 263 posts
Quote: skram @ 9th October 2020, 8:25 AM

I liked the idea and sketch up to here DBM, I wonder whether after this point you needed to take it in a different direction and/or tie it in with a second story somehow? It seemed a bit like the same joke repeated after this point, maybe they could have had to ask for Priti Patel and that made them change their mind, etc? Just IMO, and given I've never had a sketch on I expect I'm utterly wrong :)

Here are my 3 one-liner rejects:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Thirteen schoolchildren in London fell ill after eating sweets laced with cannabis - teachers said their suspicions were aroused when they noticed all their pupils were dilated

2. Poundland have come under fire for selling Ouija boards - a spokesman defended the move, saying they were just trying to raise people's spirits.

3. Cineworld have temporarily closed all of their cinemas due to a lack of new films being released, however they have moved to reassure customers that when they re-open they'll still be selling the exact same hot dogs.

Particularly like number one - surprised it wasn't even shortlisted

Quote: Dantrobus @ 9th October 2020, 8:27 AM

Enjoyed your sketch, DBM. Certainly up there with the standard of sketches that have made the show this series.

Kenny Bania - liked both your GWBWs. Prefer your Countdown gag to the BN on this story they used (blah, blah, page missing a consonant, vowel, vowel, consonant)

Thanks Dantro. My Corbyn gwbw was probably a bit obvious. The day after I sent the entries in, this fortnights Private Eye came out and they had the 'dining with the many not the few' as a speech balloon joke

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beaky

  • Friday 9th October 2020, 11:10am
  • Malaga and Brighton, United Kingdom
  • 2,735 posts

Skram's one liners are excellent.

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wwwwwh

  • Friday 9th October 2020, 10:08pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 11 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 9th October 2020, 10:58 AM

Particularly like number one - surprised it wasn't even shortlisted

I think there's a technical issue, unless I'm missing something - "their pupils were dilated" needs to have two possible interpretations, but it really only has one. Also, why would the teachers' pupils enlarge? It's the children who took the drug. The Poundland joke works better because "raise people's spirits" has two reasonable interpretations.

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Dantrobus

  • Friday 9th October 2020, 11:06pm
  • Sheffield, England
  • 127 posts

Pupils can be both eye parts or students.

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wwwwwh

  • Friday 9th October 2020, 11:09pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 11 posts
Quote: Dantrobus @ 9th October 2020, 11:06 PM

Pupils can be both eye parts or students.

Yes, but students can't be dilated.

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BTF

  • Friday 9th October 2020, 11:41pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 558 posts
Quote: skram @ 9th October 2020, 8:25 AM

I liked the idea and sketch up to here DBM, I wonder whether after this point you needed to take it in a different direction and/or tie it in with a second story somehow? It seemed a bit like the same joke repeated after this point, maybe they could have had to ask for Priti Patel and that made them change their mind, etc? Just IMO, and given I've never had a sketch on I expect I'm utterly wrong :)

Here are my 3 one-liner rejects:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Thirteen schoolchildren in London fell ill after eating sweets laced with cannabis - teachers said their suspicions were aroused when they noticed all their pupils were dilated.

2. Poundland have come under fire for selling Ouija boards - a spokesman defended the move, saying they were just trying to raise people's spirits.

3. Cineworld have temporarily closed all of their cinemas due to a lack of new films being released, however they have moved to reassure customers that when they re-open they'll still be selling the exact same hot dogs.

All very good. No 1 clever. I did a spirits type one too. Bet it was a popular story.

Quote: DeathbyMonkey @ 8th October 2020, 6:19 PM

I'm sharing this sketch because I'm honestly gutted it didn't make the script. I've had quite a few sketches on and I think this is my best work

ASYLUM OBSTACLE COURSE

KIRI: Priti Patel has been criticised for refusing to deny that the Home Office made plans to install a wave machine in the English Channel to deter migrants. Some don't see the benefit of installing a wave machine in an ocean, but those are the same naysayers who pooh-poohed my Dragon's Den idea, an electric shower for rain clouds. Just how hard is it to claim asylum in the UK now?
ATMOS: ASYLUM CENTRE
FX: TANNOY BING-BONG
TANNOY: Anyone who is seeking asylum in the UK please step forward. Anyone who accidentally turned left at Calais and thought they were in Germany please use exit B.
FX: ASYLUM SEEKERS RUNNING TO EXIT B
MANDY: I'm American, please help me! My country is a figurative and literal tinderbox, Covid is everywhere and in November my president is going to either be an old white racist, or Donald Trump. I want live here.
THOMAS: Of course madam, let me see if I can help you.
FX: COMPUTER TYPING
MANDY: Oh thank God. I heard it's become difficult to claim asylum in the UK, what with all the floating barriers and everything.
THOMAS: [JOVIAL LAUGH] Oh no, those are just silly media rumours, we don't have floating barriers, a wave machine in the English Channel, or giant mechanical venomous scorpions.
MANDY: I'm sorry? Mechanical scorpions!?
THOMAS: Venomous mechanical scorpions. We don't have any of those.
MANDY: Okay good... so what do I need to do?
THOMAS: There's just a simple form you need to fill out. Go through that door on the left, up the stairs, then swim through the shark infested tank, past the venomous mechanical scorpions, over the rickety bridge that crosses the bottomless pit and then... just ask for Janice.
MANDY: Okay, does she have the form?
THOMAS: No. I don't think a Janice even works here, but if you manage to find her she has the ancient pirate map that will lead you to the Svengali.
MANDY: And I get the form from this Svengali?
THOMAS: Oh dear Lord no. But he will ask you three riddles and...
FX: MR WATSON RUSHING IN THROUGH DOOR
THOMAS: I'm sure Mr Watson can explain the rest - Mr Watson, delighted to see you're back. Do you have the form?
MR WATSON: [EXHAUSTED] I did it! I did it. I had to break into the Saqqara Necropolis, fight off dozens of cursed mummies and recover the Ark of the Covenant but I did it! I got the form.
THOMAS: [SUCKING IN AIR THROUGH TEETH] I am sorry Mr Watson but this is our old form. The new one is hidden, I mean conveniently located in the Holy Grail. I'm afraid your application has been denied.
MR WATSON: No, no, no!
THOMAS: So Miss.
MANDY: Mandy.
THOMAS: Miss Mandy did you get all that?
MANDY: I think so. I go through that door, through the shark tank, past the mechanical venomous scorpions who may or may not exist, over the rickety bridge that's above the bottomless pit...
THOMAS: And by the world's most powerful wind machine, yes.
MANDY: Find a random woman called Janice who will give me the map to a Svengali, then he'll ask me three riddles which I somehow use to find the mythical Holy Grail that happens to contain the form.
THOMAS: Yes, we've really stream lined the process.
MANDY: And then after I've done all that will I get asylum?
THOMAS: Probably not, but the good news is you will most likely qualify to be in the next Olympics.

END

Some good stuff here and you have put a lot of effort into it. I think they would have lots of PP sketches.
I think I agree with Skram's comment so I think the sketch did need cutting down too. I think it is a little too wordy. The joke in the intro has a great set up with the Dragons' Den thing but I wondered if you could have done a slightly funnier joke than electric showers for rain clouds. Humour is so individual though. Great potential as an intro joke. But what do I know...never had a sketch on
Am sure it's good enough for the show as a sketch. You were unlucky as so much competition this series. I like the punchline.

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BTF

  • Saturday 10th October 2020, 12:03am
  • United Kingdom
  • 558 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 8th October 2020, 10:25 PM

DBM - Strikes me as pretty good
I struggle with the sketch format, never come up with tightly written stuff like this

My attempts this week ( first one probably a decent idea but sounds clumsy ) :

A burglar who broke into a shed and stole a kayak was caught, proving they can't have your kayak and beat it

A teenage birdwatcher has won a six figure advance for her memoirs. The cover price of the book is yet to be revealed but it won't be cheep

Owners of a 'ring smart' doorbell have complained that it is chiming when there is no-one there. British Gas have denied that their engineers aren't allowing customers enough time to answer the door

It's been a bad week for Countdowns Susie Dent after her book 'Word Perfect' was published with a string of errors. But a good week to say 'I wonder how that happened....hmmm....bit of a conundrum '

It's been a bad week for Jeremy Corbyn after he was pictured with more than 6 people at a dinner party. But a good week for Jeremy to remind people that dinner is for the many, not the few

Really liked 1 2 5 6.
Still rereading 3.

Quote: wwwwwh @ 9th October 2020, 11:09 PM

Yes, but students can't be dilated.

I wondered this too at first but decided it did work as a joke.

Quote: wwwwwh @ 9th October 2020, 10:08 PM

I think there's a technical issue, unless I'm missing something - "their pupils were dilated" needs to have two possible interpretations, but it really only has one. Also, why would the teachers' pupils enlarge? It's the children who took the drug. The Poundland joke works better because "raise people's spirits" has two reasonable interpretations.

I read it as meaning...the kids' pupils were dilated in the eyes, from the drug, and possibly also with another less obvious meaning...the pupils (students) dilated as they were full from eating sweets. That's just me though.

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skram

  • Saturday 10th October 2020, 10:38am
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 96 posts
Quote: BTF @ 10th October 2020, 12:03 AM

I read it as meaning...the kids' pupils were dilated in the eyes, from the drug, and possibly also with another less obvious meaning...the pupils (students) dilated as they were full from eating sweets. That's just me though.

I just thought it was a nice double-pun - people usually associate dilated pupils (eyes) with cannabis use. So first joke is referring to the students who took it as the "pupils". Second joke was that eating the sweets made the students larger, ie. "dilated pupils". I didn't really give it as much thought at the time :)

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Exe Chris

  • Saturday 10th October 2020, 2:43pm
  • Exeter, England
  • 91 posts

My efforts are below. I wasn't surprised that they weren't used. I listened to the podcast this morning and wasn't overly impressed with it, some of the rejects here were far funnier than some of the gags used. It will be forever thus though I guess.
The burglar/kayak joke, the dilated pupils and the ouija board ones could all easily have been used I think.

1. Stumble the one-legged duck has been given his own specially designed wheelchair. His owner says she is very pleased with it, but is worried about the bill.
2. 13 children at a North London secondary school have been taken to hospital after eating sweets thought to be laced with 'cannabis-laced sweets'. A spokesman said that the children were taking High School far too literally.
3. The release of latest James Bond film 'No Time To Die' has been delayed until next year. Sadly, "the rule of 6" has done for 007.

1. It was a bad week for Matt Hancock, who admitted that the Covid error where 16000 results were lost, 'shouldn't have happened'
It was a good week for Matt Hancock as he proved that he knew that an error was a 'bad thing'.
2. It's been a bad week for thousands of students as they contract Covid 19 with the illness meaning everything 'tastes like cardboard'.
It's been a good week for hundreds of male freshers as they have had better tasting food than they otherwise would have.
3. It's been a bad week for Apple as they have found thousands of their old devices still in use after being sent to be recycled.
It's been a good week for Apple as their accountants have used the news to cut the tax that they pay even further.