Newsjack Series 23 rejects Page 2

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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BTF

  • Friday 2nd October 2020, 12:09pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 558 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 2nd October 2020, 10:25 AM

My unloved entries this week ( and a completely different range of subjects to yours, Dantrobus )

Waitrose have started selling bags of autumn leaves, risking putting both their reputation and their products on the line

A cat has taken hundreds of selfies on an ipad after being left alone indoors. The cats owner described the sight that greeted her on the device as pussy galore

A conspiracy theorist stole a truck, claiming he didn't want to be late for a meeting with space aliens. Although he needn't have worried about being on time, as the aliens began their leg of the journey with Southern Rail

It's been a bad week for two leading double glazing firms after they were accused of mis-selling customers. And a bad week for one customer who was persuaded to buy a glass ceiling, window dressing and a glazed scallop

It's been a good week for foliage fans as Waitrose have started selling bags of autumn leaves. And a good week for their customers who now have an environmentally friendly alternative if toilet paper isn't available

Pussy Galore is witty and I like your last GWBW.

Quote: skram @ 2nd October 2020, 11:09 AM

I thought there were a couple of decent one-liners on the show this week, but I don't follow their logic in having sketches that don't have any jokes in them (*cough*). Anyway, here are my one-liners, not sure whether they were rejected or lost in email but it's the same result!

BREAKING NEWS:
1. A top lawyer has banned the wearing of woollen cardigans and jumpers in her office, leading staff to complain it's no longer a close-knit environment.

2. After a village in Norfolk was hit by a sand storm, residents complained that the streets had become deserted.

3. The United States is rushing to deal with a brain-eating microbe that has been detected in water supplies - however officials at the White House fear they might already be too late.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for savers as the Bank Of England warns that interest rates could turn negative; it's been a good week for the Lib Dems who have been asked to help explain what it means to receive no interest.

2. It's been a good week for Prince George after he was given a shark tooth fossil by Sir David Attenborough; it's been a bad week for Prince Andrew after Malta demanded the return of all of the Royals' prehistoric predators.

3. It's been a good week for UK wind farms as Boris Johnson suggested they could become the "Saudi Arabia of wind power"; it's been a bad week for the wind turbines as if they don't work properly they will get their arms chopped off.

These all work well for me

The sand one is a good idea. I guess the subtlety of it may be too great as when the word 'deserted' is read out it may not work as well as it does on paper possibly.

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skram

  • Friday 2nd October 2020, 1:14pm [Edited]
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 95 posts
Quote: BTF @ 2nd October 2020, 12:09 PM

The sand one is a good idea. I guess the subtlety of it may be too great as when the word 'deserted' is read out it may not work as well as it does on paper possibly.

I agree, looks better written down than spoken out loud! It was a close call but I chose it over "Labour has called for University courses to be paused, the suggested hiatus has led to hundreds of thousands of students rushing to find out what 'hiatus' means."

Do we have more rejects? Where did everyone go this week?

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BTF

  • Friday 2nd October 2020, 5:41pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 558 posts

It has gone quiet..I haven't done any submissions. Too busy. I will aim for next week so I can post rejects!

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wwwwwh

  • Friday 2nd October 2020, 7:02pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 8 posts

May as well put these somewhere, I suppose.

BREAKING NEWS
1. A landmine-detecting rat has been awarded a gold medal for bravery. Its previous work has included fighting obesity by getting a branch of McDonalds shut down.

2. Matt Hancock has announced a ban on households mixing in the north-east, although apparently it's still ok if you get a professional DJ to do it.

3. Waitrose has been mocked for selling bunches of autumn leaves at £6 a bag. Customers have asked why they should pay Waitrose to pick up some leaves off the ground when they could just get their gardeners to do it for them.

GOOD WEEK BAD WEEK
1. It's been a bad week for red wine drinkers after a winery in Spain lost 50,000 litres of it when a tank exploded. But it's also been a bad week for those who prefer white, as they had to use 50,000 litres of white wine to get the stain out of the carpet.

2. It's been a good week for Jedward, who hit out at anti-mask protesters on Twitter, claiming only they had the balls to do it. But it's been a bad week for all those who failed to stand up for their beliefs due to having fewer than four balls.

3. It's been a bad week for Channel 4 as daytime show "Steph's Packed Lunch" had official viewing figures of zero. But it's been a good week for presenter Steph McGovern as she's finally been able to have her lunch in peace.

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Exe Chris

  • Friday 2nd October 2020, 8:57pm
  • Exeter, England
  • 91 posts

My efforts. They were in hope rather than expectation:

1. Andrew Neil has this week announced that he is going to leave the BBC 'with a heavy heart'. It is not known which of his interviewees this heart was removed from.
2. Boris Johnson has said that the UK can be 'the Saudi Arabia of Wind Power', which would make a change from being the Turkey of everything else.
3. Uber have been spared from losing their London license despite 'historical failings'. In a similar move, the Luftwaffe have asked for permission to fly over the capital again and their 'historical failings' to be ignored.

1. It's been a bad week for the Norfolk village of Walcott after it was badly affected by a sandstorm.
It's been a good week for the residents of Walcott who usually are the butt of 'inbred' jokes because of all the sand which is there.

2. It's been a bad week for plug-in hybrid vehicles as tests show that they can produces nearly 3 times as much pollution as previously claimed.
It's been a good week for plug-in hybrid vehicles as this publicity has reminded people that they actually exist.

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BTF

  • Friday 2nd October 2020, 9:34pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 558 posts
Quote: wwwwwh @ 2nd October 2020, 7:02 PM

May as well put these somewhere, I suppose.

BREAKING NEWS
1. A landmine-detecting rat has been awarded a gold medal for bravery. Its previous work has included fighting obesity by getting a branch of McDonalds shut down.

2. Matt Hancock has announced a ban on households mixing in the north-east, although apparently it's still ok if you get a professional DJ to do it.

3. Waitrose has been mocked for selling bunches of autumn leaves at £6 a bag. Customers have asked why they should pay Waitrose to pick up some leaves off the ground when they could just get their gardeners to do it for them.

GOOD WEEK BAD WEEK
1. It's been a bad week for red wine drinkers after a winery in Spain lost 50,000 litres of it when a tank exploded. But it's also been a bad week for those who prefer white, as they had to use 50,000 litres of white wine to get the stain out of the carpet.

2. It's been a good week for Jedward, who hit out at anti-mask protesters on Twitter, claiming only they had the balls to do it. But it's been a bad week for all those who failed to stand up for their beliefs due to having fewer than four balls.

3. It's been a bad week for Channel 4 as daytime show "Steph's Packed Lunch" had official viewing figures of zero. But it's been a good week for presenter Steph McGovern as she's finally been able to have her lunch in peace.

Like these.

Quote: Exe Chris @ 2nd October 2020, 8:57 PM

My efforts. They were in hope rather than expectation:

1. Andrew Neil has this week announced that he is going to leave the BBC 'with a heavy heart'. It is not known which of his interviewees this heart was removed from.
2. Boris Johnson has said that the UK can be 'the Saudi Arabia of Wind Power', which would make a change from being the Turkey of everything else.
3. Uber have been spared from losing their London license despite 'historical failings'. In a similar move, the Luftwaffe have asked for permission to fly over the capital again and their 'historical failings' to be ignored.

1. It's been a bad week for the Norfolk village of Walcott after it was badly affected by a sandstorm.
It's been a good week for the residents of Walcott who usually are the butt of 'inbred' jokes because of all the sand which is there.

2. It's been a bad week for plug-in hybrid vehicles as tests show that they can produces nearly 3 times as much pollution as previously claimed.
It's been a good week for plug-in hybrid vehicles as this publicity has reminded people that they actually exist.

Like your no. 2s

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JonT

  • Friday 2nd October 2020, 10:39pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 49 posts

@Kenny Bania
Particularly liked Pussy galore

@skram
Close-knit made me chortle, and deserted is good: I couldn't ger beyond cheap inbreeding jabs.

@wwwwwh
Liked these, especially the red/white wine one

@Exe Chris
Favourite was the Luftwaffe one

My rejected one-liners:

1. A planned contraceptive pill to control the grey squirrel population has been delayed. Campaigners will now use their backup plan, and bury the squirrels' nuts.
2. Pubs in the North East have reacted to the Government's new ban on mixing. One landlord said: "It's high time they clamped down on this. You can have lager, Newcy broon, or a glass of wine if you're soft."
3. An ambulance service is trialing a jet-pack to help medical staff reach remote areas of the Lake District. "It's not true that being referred to as heroes has gone to our heads," said a masked paramedic in spandex suit and cape.

Don't know if we're posting rejected sketches here as well, but here's my attempt for this week:

LOCKDOWN SNOOZE BUTTON

[could replace Johnson with several generic Cabinet members sharing a room if too much Johnson/want to include more cast]
FX: ALARM CLOCK
JOHNSON: [dreaming] Grrmph, mmph... sit on daddy's knee... not you, your mother... is that a personal alarm?
FX: DOOR OPENING
BOFFIN: [sing-song like to a child] Boris! Time to lock down!
JOHNSON: Mmph?
BOFFIN: Come on, infection rates are rising, people will be dying soon.
JOHNSON: Don't want to!
BOFFIN: Look, we went through all this in March. The sooner you lock down, the sooner you can get it over with and we can all have fun.
JOHNSON: Shan't!
BOFFIN: Come on now! New Zealands scientists don't have to shout at their Prime Minister like this.
JOHNSON: [mimicking, high voice] New Zealand New Zealand ner-ne-ner-ner!
BOFFIN: Right, I'm pulling the covers off, you've got to...oh God! Right, I'm putting the covers back on, but you'd better lock down, OK?
JOHNSON: It's not fair! I was having a nice dream!
BOFFIN: Yes, I saw...
JOHNSON: You can't make me!
BOFFIN: Lockdown! Now!
JOHNSON: Alright, alright, I'm doing it. I'm locking down.
BOFFIN: OK then. I'm going to do a televised briefing, and when I come back I'll want to see how you've got on.
FX: DOOR CLOSES.... PAUSE.... DOOR OPENING
BOFFIN: Oh no, you haven't done anything!
JOHNSON: Mmph? I have! Look at the pubs!
BOFFIN: One hour. You've shut them for ONE HOUR???
JOHNSON: It's a noble sacrifice. The Great British People...
BOFFIN: The Great British People are flashmobbing a 10,000-person Macarena at chucking-out time!
JOHNSON: But-
BOFFIN: The pubs have replaced last orders with the Last Rites! Come on! Lockdown!
JOHNSON: Just two more weeks!
BOFFIN: You don't have two more weeks. University is starting now!
JOHNSON: But I don't go to University.
BOFFIN: No, but two million horny teenagers do, all desperate to socially undistance with each other.
[BEAT]
JOHNSON: [suddenly businesslike] Right, let's get started, what do I need to do? I'm taking personal charge. Clear my schedule!
BOFFIN: Oh no. [calling out] Has anyone researched what happens when Covid crosses with Herpes?

END

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Dantrobus

  • Saturday 3rd October 2020, 8:06am
  • Sheffield, England
  • 126 posts
Quote: wwwwwh @ 2nd October 2020, 7:02 PM

May as well put these somewhere, I suppose.

BREAKING NEWS
1. A landmine-detecting rat has been awarded a gold medal for bravery. Its previous work has included fighting obesity by getting a branch of McDonalds shut down.

2. Matt Hancock has announced a ban on households mixing in the north-east, although apparently it's still ok if you get a professional DJ to do it.

3. Waitrose has been mocked for selling bunches of autumn leaves at £6 a bag. Customers have asked why they should pay Waitrose to pick up some leaves off the ground when they could just get their gardeners to do it for them.

GOOD WEEK BAD WEEK
1. It's been a bad week for red wine drinkers after a winery in Spain lost 50,000 litres of it when a tank exploded. But it's also been a bad week for those who prefer white, as they had to use 50,000 litres of white wine to get the stain out of the carpet.

2. It's been a good week for Jedward, who hit out at anti-mask protesters on Twitter, claiming only they had the balls to do it. But it's been a bad week for all those who failed to stand up for their beliefs due to having fewer than four balls.

3. It's been a bad week for Channel 4 as daytime show "Steph's Packed Lunch" had official viewing figures of zero. But it's been a good week for presenter Steph McGovern as she's finally been able to have her lunch in peace.

Thought the rat and Waitrose Breaking Newses were very good.

The idea/image of the wine GWBW is very funny - feels like the punchline takes a long time to deliver. I wonder if an edit could help this one, something like "It's been a bad week for a winery in Spain when a tank explosion caused 50,000 litres of red wine to leak onto the ground. It's also been a bad week for the neighbouring winery who immediately threw on 50,000 litres of white to no avail."

Quote: Exe Chris @ 2nd October 2020, 8:57 PM

My efforts. They were in hope rather than expectation:

1. Andrew Neil has this week announced that he is going to leave the BBC 'with a heavy heart'. It is not known which of his interviewees this heart was removed from.
2. Boris Johnson has said that the UK can be 'the Saudi Arabia of Wind Power', which would make a change from being the Turkey of everything else.
3. Uber have been spared from losing their London license despite 'historical failings'. In a similar move, the Luftwaffe have asked for permission to fly over the capital again and their 'historical failings' to be ignored.

1. It's been a bad week for the Norfolk village of Walcott after it was badly affected by a sandstorm.
It's been a good week for the residents of Walcott who usually are the butt of 'inbred' jokes because of all the sand which is there.

2. It's been a bad week for plug-in hybrid vehicles as tests show that they can produces nearly 3 times as much pollution as previously claimed.
It's been a good week for plug-in hybrid vehicles as this publicity has reminded people that they actually exist.

Think the first two of those Breaking Newses would have stood a good chance of being in the mix. Reading the Andrew Neill one made me think of another possible punchline along those lines: "Andrew Neil has this week announced that he is going to leave the BBC 'with a heavy heart'. Bosses have told him he needs to put that heart back in the stationery cupboard before he leaves, along with the post-its and the hole punch."

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Dantrobus

  • Saturday 3rd October 2020, 8:15am
  • Sheffield, England
  • 126 posts
Quote: Thief Of Bad Gags @ 2nd October 2020, 11:45 AM

Hiya, here are my two gags for yesterday's Newsjack. I'm still learning the ropes, no pressure.

Sri Lanka says it is sending 21 containers of recycled waste back to the UK after they were found to contain hazardous material. It was returned to the sender, head of policy at 10 Downing Street.

One hundred million UK birds are now in Lockdown and the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds have imposed a 10pm Curlew to stop the spread of Coronavirus.

Not sure the birds one is about a real story? (If it isn't, it should be!) But either way, I like the pun but the funny word needs to be at the end of the punchline to make this work (otherwise people start laughing then stop because the performer's still talking). Also, maybe worth making it 'wading birds' or something in the setup to make it a smaller leap to 'curlew'. So something like, "The RSPB have warned about the spread of coronavirus amongst wading birds and have called on the government to impose a 10pm curlew".

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BTF

  • Saturday 3rd October 2020, 10:46am
  • United Kingdom
  • 558 posts
Quote: JonT @ 2nd October 2020, 10:39 PM

@Kenny Bania
Particularly liked Pussy galore

@skram
Close-knit made me chortle, and deserted is good: I couldn't ger beyond cheap inbreeding jabs.

@wwwwwh
Liked these, especially the red/white wine one

@Exe Chris
Favourite was the Luftwaffe one

My rejected one-liners:

1. A planned contraceptive pill to control the grey squirrel population has been delayed. Campaigners will now use their backup plan, and bury the squirrels' nuts.
2. Pubs in the North East have reacted to the Government's new ban on mixing. One landlord said: "It's high time they clamped down on this. You can have lager, Newcy broon, or a glass of wine if you're soft."
3. An ambulance service is trialing a jet-pack to help medical staff reach remote areas of the Lake District. "It's not true that being referred to as heroes has gone to our heads," said a masked paramedic in spandex suit and cape.

Don't know if we're posting rejected sketches here as well, but here's my attempt for this week:

LOCKDOWN SNOOZE BUTTON

[could replace Johnson with several generic Cabinet members sharing a room if too much Johnson/want to include more cast]
FX: ALARM CLOCK
JOHNSON: [dreaming] Grrmph, mmph... sit on daddy's knee... not you, your mother... is that a personal alarm?
FX: DOOR OPENING
BOFFIN: [sing-song like to a child] Boris! Time to lock down!
JOHNSON: Mmph?
BOFFIN: Come on, infection rates are rising, people will be dying soon.
JOHNSON: Don't want to!
BOFFIN: Look, we went through all this in March. The sooner you lock down, the sooner you can get it over with and we can all have fun.
JOHNSON: Shan't!
BOFFIN: Come on now! New Zealands scientists don't have to shout at their Prime Minister like this.
JOHNSON: [mimicking, high voice] New Zealand New Zealand ner-ne-ner-ner!
BOFFIN: Right, I'm pulling the covers off, you've got to...oh God! Right, I'm putting the covers back on, but you'd better lock down, OK?
JOHNSON: It's not fair! I was having a nice dream!
BOFFIN: Yes, I saw...
JOHNSON: You can't make me!
BOFFIN: Lockdown! Now!
JOHNSON: Alright, alright, I'm doing it. I'm locking down.
BOFFIN: OK then. I'm going to do a televised briefing, and when I come back I'll want to see how you've got on.
FX: DOOR CLOSES.... PAUSE.... DOOR OPENING
BOFFIN: Oh no, you haven't done anything!
JOHNSON: Mmph? I have! Look at the pubs!
BOFFIN: One hour. You've shut them for ONE HOUR???
JOHNSON: It's a noble sacrifice. The Great British People...
BOFFIN: The Great British People are flashmobbing a 10,000-person Macarena at chucking-out time!
JOHNSON: But-
BOFFIN: The pubs have replaced last orders with the Last Rites! Come on! Lockdown!
JOHNSON: Just two more weeks!
BOFFIN: You don't have two more weeks. University is starting now!
JOHNSON: But I don't go to University.
BOFFIN: No, but two million horny teenagers do, all desperate to socially undistance with each other.
[BEAT]
JOHNSON: [suddenly businesslike] Right, let's get started, what do I need to do? I'm taking personal charge. Clear my schedule!
BOFFIN: Oh no. [calling out] Has anyone researched what happens when Covid crosses with Herpes?

END

BN 1 ...like it. An x rated version popped into my head.
BN 2....very good..opens up to accents. Thought of an alternative version tweak...''bout time they clamped down on lemonade tops. It's straight lager, Newcy Brown or wine if you're soft'. I liked your joke. Would have been great on show IMO.

3 really like it..thought of slight alternative phrasing.
..'People say being called heroes has gone to our heads. That's a lie!' said a paramedic, wearing a mask... spandex suit and cape.

Sketch is a good length. It could do with an intro with jokes in for Kiri. I suspect they would get loads of Boris ones so, not saying your sketch would not stand a chance, but you may be better going for different topics.

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Dantrobus

  • Saturday 3rd October 2020, 11:18am
  • Sheffield, England
  • 126 posts
Quote: BTF @ 3rd October 2020, 10:46 AM

BN 1 ...like it. An x rated version popped into my head.

I mean, this version really should be shared with the group, right?!

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BTF

  • Saturday 3rd October 2020, 11:29am
  • United Kingdom
  • 558 posts
Quote: Dantrobus @ 3rd October 2020, 11:18 AM

I mean, this version really should be shared with the group, right?!

Am not proud of myself there.

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skram

  • Saturday 3rd October 2020, 11:41am
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 95 posts
Quote: wwwwwh @ 2nd October 2020, 7:02 PM

BREAKING NEWS
1. A landmine-detecting rat has been awarded a gold medal for bravery. Its previous work has included fighting obesity by getting a branch of McDonalds shut down.

I like it, although the BBC can be funny about naming other companies (* "similar rat jokes apply to other UK takeaway restaurants" disclaimers)

GOOD WEEK BAD WEEK
1. It's been a bad week for red wine drinkers after a winery in Spain lost 50,000 litres of it when a tank exploded. But it's also been a bad week for those who prefer white, as they had to use 50,000 litres of white wine to get the stain out of the carpet.

I liked this one too, but agree the phrasing maybe needs work to get a snappier punchline and preferably a BW/GW rather than a BW/BW which they don't seem so keen on? My suggestion would be:

"It's been a bad week for a winery in Spain after a tank explosion caused it to lose 50,000 litres of red wine; it's been a good week for another winery in Spain as they needed 50,000 litres of its white wine to get the stain out of the carpet."

Quote: Exe Chris @ 2nd October 2020, 8:57 PM

1. Andrew Neil has this week announced that he is going to leave the BBC 'with a heavy heart'. It is not known which of his interviewees this heart was removed from.

Nice.

Quote: JonT @ 2nd October 2020, 10:39 PM

3. An ambulance service is trialing a jet-pack to help medical staff reach remote areas of the Lake District. "It's not true that being referred to as heroes has gone to our heads," said a masked paramedic in spandex suit and cape.

I like this one - BTF's slight revision to the phrasing at the end does make it even better too.

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Dantrobus

  • Saturday 3rd October 2020, 12:09pm
  • Sheffield, England
  • 126 posts
Quote: skram @ 3rd October 2020, 11:41 AM

...preferably a BW/GW rather than a BW/BW which they don't seem so keen on.

This reminds me, in the newsjack q&a for this series, they were saying they get very few GWBWs that finish on the good week, they're almost all 'good week for.. bad week for'. So if you're deliberating between which of your GWBWs to send (not a luxury I'm usually faced with), then one in the format 'bad week for... good week for' might stand a better chance.

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wwwwwh

  • Saturday 3rd October 2020, 2:05pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 8 posts
Quote: Dantrobus @ 3rd October 2020, 12:09 PM

This reminds me, in the newsjack q&a for this series, they were saying they get very few GWBWs that finish on the good week, they're almost all 'good week for.. bad week for'. So if you're deliberating between which of your GWBWs to send (not a luxury I'm usually faced with), then one in the format 'bad week for... good week for' might stand a better chance.

Weren't they saying the opposite? Most stories are bad news, so usually the setup is "bad week". Certainly that's my experience trying to write the things.

I'm not sure it was even advice, just an observation that most GWBWs they receive actually go BWGW.