Newsjack Series 23 rejects

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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skram

  • Friday 25th September 2020, 4:36pm
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 89 posts

New rejects thread for series 23 - here are my first blanks of the series:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. A drunken woman who fell out of a car onto the M25 whilst recording a Snapchat has revealed she was just looking for a hard shoulder to cry on.

2. The inventor of the waterproof fabric Gore-Tex died this week. There were plenty of dry eyes at the funeral.

3. Airbus has unveiled plans for what it calls zero-emission flying, or as it's more commonly known, cancelled flights.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for residents of a road in Potters Bar which was named by the FinCEN investigation as Britain's dodgiest address; it's been a good week for residents of Turd Crescent in Crapstone.

2. It's been a bad week for the owner of a £60k VW camper van that was flooded under 6 feet of water when the tide came in; it's been a good week for anyone wanting to recreate that authentic Glastonbury experience.

3. It's been a bad week for Prince Harry and Meghan who were voted as Britain's worst neighbours to have; it's been a good week for Prince William and Kate who finally got that off their chest.

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Kenny Bania

  • Friday 25th September 2020, 5:25pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 256 posts

Thanks for setting this is up, Skram. I particularly like breaking news items 1 and 2.

For what it's worth, here are mine. Reading these back though the only one I think might have stood a chance is the gwbw about the car salesman - however, a good excuse to post a link to the Undertones song , two and half minutes of classic pop, imo, ( although I am rather old ) but if not to your taste, stick with it for the dance routine...

BN

Undertones singer Feargal Sharkey has been campaigning to clean up the nations rivers. He tried to recruit his cousin to help, but Kevin didn't want to ruin his fur lined sheepskin jacket

Undertones singer Feargal Sharkey has been campaigning to clean up the nations rivers. He tried to recruit his cousin to help, but Kevin was too busy playing subbuteo and studying bionics

GWBW

It's been a bad week for a US car salesman after a customer took him on a scary 100mph joy ride. But a good week for Disney, who now have a great idea for a new theme park ride

It's been a good week for curry lovers after an Indian restaurant introduced a 114 item set meal. And a good week for the Cobra committee as that's the drinks and the food sorted

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pgqa3cVOxUc

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MIke Cooper RP

  • Friday 25th September 2020, 5:41pm
  • Stourport-on-Severn, United Kingdom
  • 10 posts

Only submitted two 'Breaking News' oneliners this week as my time management was absolutely shocking! Hopefully I'll be able to get at sketch away for episode 2...

Health Secretary Matt Hancock said people must obey the rules to prevent a second national lockdown warning that Britain was facing a 'Tipping Point'. Leading many voters wishing they had chosen a different column, last December.

Jon Bon Jovi revealed some of his latest tunes were penned in his home studio, which has been described as a 'stinky man cave.' The news was welcomed by fans of the band's earlier work as they are looking forward to some new cheesy numbers.

Well done to all those that got something on :)

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Dantrobus

  • Saturday 26th September 2020, 7:55am
  • Sheffield, England
  • 113 posts
Quote: skram @ 25th September 2020, 4:36 PM

2. The inventor of the waterproof fabric Gore-Tex died this week. There were plenty of dry eyes at the funeral.

I had a similar take on this one amongst my rejected submissions too. Mine went, "Robert Gore, the inventor of Gore-tex has died. A lot of tears were shed at the funeral, but they just beaded up and rolled right off."

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Moobear

  • Saturday 26th September 2020, 10:48am [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 2 posts

Hello, I am new to the forum. This was also the first time I had ever submitted so any feedback would be appreciated. My alpaca one liner was very similar to one used on the show which I take as encouraging.

Breaking News:
1. President Trump speaks out on the Californian wildfires, exacerbating the issue with yet more hot-air.
2. A row has broken out in Northern Ireland around the digitalisation of historic St John's Point lighthouse. Exasperated heritage campaigners trying to shine a light on the matter say they are going round and round in blinking circles.

3. A rogue alpaca disrupted a football match in West Yorkshire this week after escaping from its enclosure. The local farmer who eventually herded the animal home downplayed the event, saying it wasn't a drama llama.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for anyone looking for a new family pet with the price of puppies during lockdown soaring to almost £2,000. It's been a good week for Cruella de Vil who's realised quite how much she could flog those 101 Dalmatians for on Gumtree.

2. It's been a bad week for the north-east of England with more stringent lockdown measures being put in place. It's been a good week for Sunderland fans, with local lockdown sparing them the ignominy of sitting in the stands for another season of League 1 football.

3.It's been a good week for Egyptian archaeologists after one of the largest discoveries of ancient sarcophagi in Saqqara. It's been a bad week for Lara Croft, as that'll be one less tomb for her to raid.

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TheTrashBat

  • Saturday 26th September 2020, 6:44pm
  • Dorset, United Kingdom
  • 84 posts

Rushed a load of stinkers out just before the deadline and, quite rightly, I was rewarded with bugger all.

BREAKING NEWS:

1. An old TV has supposedly been causing daily broadband outages for an entire village in Wales. Police have confirmed it was a vintage television and apologised for initially arresting a 67 year old transvestite.

2. Leighton Buzzard has been hit by three earthquakes in two weeks. The Government has advised local cafes to close an hour earlier in an attempt to prevent further earthquakes.

3. Tory MP Danny Kruger has been caught not wearing a mask on a train, he claims he simply forgot. Adding to the speculation all tories are bare-faced liars.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. It's a good week for NASA who have announced they will return to the moon by 2024. It's a better week for James Cameron who has already started designing the set.

2. It's been a bad week for the Meghan Markle lookalike who is out of a job as the royal's popularity plummets. It's been a good week for a Prince Andrew lookalike because for the first time in a long time nobody shouted "wanker" at him.

3. It's a bad week for pubs, who are being forced to close their doors at 10pm. It's a good week for me because I like to get all wasted and huggy well before ten!

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Wishus

  • Saturday 26th September 2020, 7:46pm
  • Northampton, England
  • 141 posts

Here are my rejects for the week:

ONELINERS
BREAKING NEWS:
1. The phrase "upset win" is trending this week, after 24-year old Zendaya beat several older actresses to win an Emmy, a sporting term we haven't used since Andy Murray won Wimbledon and we tried to describe his face.
2. A woman has fallen out of a moving vehicle on the M25 while trying to take a selfie. It is unclear whether she was using a filter to flatten her features.
3. The US Center for Disease Control took down its advice on the aerosol transmission of Coronavirus this week, saying it needs to be updated. They will probably repost it when they've convinced Donald Trump that they don't mean his hairspray.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for weatherman Matt Taylor, who said he wasn't a fan of Rick Astley when asked on BBC Breakfast, unaware the pop star was a guest on the show. It's been a good week for Rick Astley, who is apparently on a roll.
2. It's been a better week for the fight against climate change, as satellite Iris launched earlier this month can track spikes of methane gas in the atmosphere. It's been a bad week for me, as after living on takeaways all Lockdown, not only can my bum be seen from space, it can now be smelled too.
3. It's been a bad week for Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's electronic gate, after he tore it from the wall when it got stuck, making him late for work. It's been a good week for the repair guy who got to see the massive old iron thing, totally ripped.

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BTF

  • Sunday 27th September 2020, 8:04pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 549 posts

Skram, I liked your first one a lot. I liked the second too but, just a suggestion, I just wondered if the rhythm could be slightly improved. I don't know, maybe, 'Not surprisingly, there were plenty of dry eyes.... etc'. Or something similar. Others might think my suggestion is an unnecessary addition. Just a personal thing.

Quote: Kenny Bania @ 25th September 2020, 5:25 PM

Thanks for setting this is up, Skram. I particularly like breaking news items 1 and 2.

For what it's worth, here are mine. Reading these back though the only one I think might have stood a chance is the gwbw about the car salesman - however, a good excuse to post a link to the Undertones song , two and half minutes of classic pop, imo, ( although I am rather old ) but if not to your taste, stick with it for the dance routine...

BN

Undertones singer Feargal Sharkey has been campaigning to clean up the nations rivers. He tried to recruit his cousin to help, but Kevin didn't want to ruin his fur lined sheepskin jacket

Undertones singer Feargal Sharkey has been campaigning to clean up the nations rivers. He tried to recruit his cousin to help, but Kevin was too busy playing subbuteo and studying bionics

GWBW
9 It's been a bad week for a US car salesman after a customer took him on a scary 100mph joy ride. But a good week for Disney, who now have a great idea for a new theme park ride

It's been a good week for curry lovers after an Indian restaurant introduced a 114 item set meal. And a good week for the Cobra committee as that's the drinks and the food sorted

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pgqa3cVOxUc

Yes. Like theme park one.

Quote: Wishus @ 26th September 2020, 7:46 PM

Here are my rejects for the week:

ONELINERS
BREAKING NEWS:
1. The phrase "upset win" is trending this week, after 24-year old Zendaya beat several older actresses to win an Emmy, a sporting term we haven't used since Andy Murray won Wimbledon and we tried to describe his face.
2. A woman has fallen out of a moving vehicle on the M25 while trying to take a selfie. It is unclear whether she was using a filter to flatten her features.
3. The US Center for Disease Control took down its advice on the aerosol transmission of Coronavirus this week, saying it needs to be updated. They will probably repost it when they've convinced Donald Trump that they don't mean his hairspray.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for weatherman Matt Taylor, who said he wasn't a fan of Rick Astley when asked on BBC Breakfast, unaware the pop star was a guest on the show. It's been a good week for Rick Astley, who is apparently on a roll.
2. It's been a better week for the fight against climate change, as satellite Iris launched earlier this month can track spikes of methane gas in the atmosphere. It's been a bad week for me, as after living on takeaways all Lockdown, not only can my bum be seen from space, it can now be smelled too.
3. It's been a bad week for Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's electronic gate, after he tore it from the wall when it got stuck, making him late for work. It's been a good week for the repair guy who got to see the massive old iron thing, totally ripped.

Wishus, I really liked the M25 one, personally. I wondered if it could maybe be a little improved by something like..'it is reported she was looking for a filter to flatten her features'. Just a slightly different take but maybe I misunderstood the angle. I often do.

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BTF

  • Sunday 27th September 2020, 8:16pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 549 posts
Quote: TheTrashBat @ 26th September 2020, 6:44 PM

Rushed a load of stinkers out just before the deadline and, quite rightly, I was rewarded with bugger all.

BREAKING NEWS:

1. An old TV has supposedly been causing daily broadband outages for an entire village in Wales. Police have confirmed it was a vintage television and apologised for initially arresting a 67 year old transvestite.

2. Leighton Buzzard has been hit by three earthquakes in two weeks. The Government has advised local cafes to close an hour earlier in an attempt to prevent further earthquakes.

3. Tory MP Danny Kruger has been caught not wearing a mask on a train, he claims he simply forgot. Adding to the speculation all tories are bare-faced liars.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. It's a good week for NASA who have announced they will return to the moon by 2024. It's a better week for James Cameron who has already started designing the set.

2. It's been a bad week for the Meghan Markle lookalike who is out of a job as the royal's popularity plummets. It's been a good week for a Prince Andrew lookalike because for the first time in a long time nobody shouted "wanker" at him.

3. It's a bad week for pubs, who are being forced to close their doors at 10pm. It's a good week for me because I like to get all wasted and huggy well before ten!

I particularly liked number 2. I was wondering...would 3 work better with saying all politicians are liars as they have this NJ BBC supposed neutrality thing but then I thought it would be okay as it fits the joke and NJ seems left-leaning.

Quote: Dantrobus @ 26th September 2020, 7:55 AM

I had a similar take on this one amongst my rejected submissions too. Mine went, "Robert Gore, the inventor of Gore-tex has died. A lot of tears were shed at the funeral, but they just beaded up and rolled right off."

This works well, I think.

Quote: Moobear @ 26th September 2020, 10:48 AM

Hello, I am new to the forum. This was also the first time I had ever submitted so any feedback would be appreciated. My alpaca one liner was very similar to one used on the show which I take as encouraging.

Breaking News:
1. President Trump speaks out on the Californian wildfires, exacerbating the issue with yet more hot-air.
2. A row has broken out in Northern Ireland around the digitalisation of historic St John's Point lighthouse. Exasperated heritage campaigners trying to shine a light on the matter say they are going round and round in blinking circles.

3. A rogue alpaca disrupted a football match in West Yorkshire this week after escaping from its enclosure. The local farmer who eventually herded the animal home downplayed the event, saying it wasn't a drama llama.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for anyone looking for a new family pet with the price of puppies during lockdown soaring to almost £2,000. It's been a good week for Cruella de Vil who's realised quite how much she could flog those 101 Dalmatians for on Gumtree.

2. It's been a bad week for the north-east of England with more stringent lockdown measures being put in place. It's been a good week for Sunderland fans, with local lockdown sparing them the ignominy of sitting in the stands for another season of League 1 football.

3.It's been a good week for Egyptian archaeologists after one of the largest discoveries of ancient sarcophagi in Saqqara. It's been a bad week for Lara Croft, as that'll be one less tomb for her to raid.

I like your jokes. I was thinking this 3 is good but a bit of a mouthful to say. You could maybe cut it down slightly, maybe. But then if it is read carefully with the right rhythm it does work, to be fair.
Really like BN 2.

Quote: MIke Cooper RP @ 25th September 2020, 5:41 PM

Only submitted two 'Breaking News' oneliners this week as my time management was absolutely shocking! Hopefully I'll be able to get at sketch away for episode 2...

Health Secretary Matt Hancock said people must obey the rules to prevent a second national lockdown warning that Britain was facing a 'Tipping Point'. Leading many voters wishing they had chosen a different column, last December.

Jon Bon Jovi revealed some of his latest tunes were penned in his home studio, which has been described as a 'stinky man cave.' The news was welcomed by fans of the band's earlier work as they are looking forward to some new cheesy numbers.

Well done to all those that got something on :)

Liked second, Mike.

So, overall useless feedback but I do like reading the rejects jokes..

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Dantrobus

  • Thursday 1st October 2020, 9:55pm
  • Sheffield, England
  • 113 posts

My rejects for this week:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Players at the French Open have complained that the new tennis balls used in the tournament are "not fit for a dog to chew". Responding to the criticism, Rover said, (as if a dog speaking with a mouth full of tennis ball) "Actually these are quite nice"
2. A group of Conservative MPs have refused to take part in House of Commons training on unconscious bias. They said they would have done it but the trainer looked 'a bit foreign'.
3. Ruth Bader Ginsburg's personal trainer paid tribute to her by doing press-ups in front of her coffin. A conservative judge's trainer responded with a dissenting squat thrust.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. A bad week for dentists who warned that tooth decay left untreated during lockdown meant many children would need teeth removed. A good week for the tooth fairy who can finally get that extension built.
2. A bad week for the Queen who is reportedly 'furious' after staff refused to isolate from their families in order to stay with her over Christmas. A worse week for William and Kate who are about to get some very annoying phonecalls about how to use the dishwasher.
3. A good week for Magawa, the African giant rat awarded a prestigious gold medal for his work detecting land mines. A bad week for Tiddles, disqualified from the competition after dragging live mines into his owner's house.

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BTF

  • Thursday 1st October 2020, 10:22pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 549 posts
Quote: Dantrobus @ 1st October 2020, 9:55 PM

My rejects for this week:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Players at the French Open have complained that the new tennis balls used in the tournament are "not fit for a dog to chew". Responding to the criticism, Rover said, (as if a dog speaking with a mouth full of tennis ball) "Actually these are quite nice"
2. A group of Conservative MPs have refused to take part in House of Commons training on unconscious bias. They said they would have done it but the trainer looked 'a bit foreign'.
3. Ruth Bader Ginsburg's personal trainer paid tribute to her by doing press-ups in front of her coffin. A conservative judge's trainer responded with a dissenting squat thrust.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. A bad week for dentists who warned that tooth decay left untreated during lockdown meant many children would need teeth removed. A good week for the tooth fairy who can finally get that extension built.
2. A bad week for the Queen who is reportedly 'furious' after staff refused to isolate from their families in order to stay with her over Christmas. A worse week for William and Kate who are about to get some very annoying phonecalls about how to use the dishwasher.
3. A good week for Magawa, the African giant rat awarded a prestigious gold medal for his work detecting land mines. A bad week for Tiddles, disqualified from the competition after dragging live mines into his owner's house.

Ha, ha, the dog one really appealed to me. Like your gwbws too. Mines one is clever.

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Dantrobus

  • Thursday 1st October 2020, 10:49pm
  • Sheffield, England
  • 113 posts
Quote: BTF @ 1st October 2020, 10:22 PM

Ha, ha, the dog one really appealed to me. Like your gwbws too. Mines one is clever.

Thank you! Ashamed to say that, after I read the dog one out loud to myself on Tuesday, I did laugh at my own joke.

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BTF

  • Thursday 1st October 2020, 10:58pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 549 posts
Quote: Dantrobus @ 1st October 2020, 10:49 PM

Thank you! Ashamed to say that, after I read the dog one out loud to myself on Tuesday, I did laugh at my own joke.

They missed a trick there, I think; what fun they could have had doing a dog with his mouth full of tennis ball voice.

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Kenny Bania

  • Friday 2nd October 2020, 10:25am
  • United Kingdom
  • 256 posts

My unloved entries this week ( and a completely different range of subjects to yours, Dantrobus )

Waitrose have started selling bags of autumn leaves, risking putting both their reputation and their products on the line

A cat has taken hundreds of selfies on an ipad after being left alone indoors. The cats owner described the sight that greeted her on the device as pussy galore

A conspiracy theorist stole a truck, claiming he didn't want to be late for a meeting with space aliens. Although he needn't have worried about being on time, as the aliens began their leg of the journey with Southern Rail

It's been a bad week for two leading double glazing firms after they were accused of mis-selling customers. And a bad week for one customer who was persuaded to buy a glass ceiling, window dressing and a glazed scallop

It's been a good week for foliage fans as Waitrose have started selling bags of autumn leaves. And a good week for their customers who now have an environmentally friendly alternative if toilet paper isn't available

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skram

  • Friday 2nd October 2020, 11:09am
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 89 posts

I thought there were a couple of decent one-liners on the show this week, but I don't follow their logic in having sketches that don't have any jokes in them (*cough*). Anyway, here are my one-liners, not sure whether they were rejected or lost in email but it's the same result!

BREAKING NEWS:
1. A top lawyer has banned the wearing of woollen cardigans and jumpers in her office, leading staff to complain it's no longer a close-knit environment.

2. After a village in Norfolk was hit by a sand storm, residents complained that the streets had become deserted.

3. The United States is rushing to deal with a brain-eating microbe that has been detected in water supplies - however officials at the White House fear they might already be too late.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for savers as the Bank Of England warns that interest rates could turn negative; it's been a good week for the Lib Dems who have been asked to help explain what it means to receive no interest.

2. It's been a good week for Prince George after he was given a shark tooth fossil by Sir David Attenborough; it's been a bad week for Prince Andrew after Malta demanded the return of all of the Royals' prehistoric predators.

3. It's been a good week for UK wind farms as Boris Johnson suggested they could become the "Saudi Arabia of wind power"; it's been a bad week for the wind turbines as if they don't work properly they will get their arms chopped off.