British Comedy Guide

More come and wise, 30.7 - 6.8.20

Avatar

Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 30th July 2020, 2:57pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,083 posts

Yes. C**tgtasulazioningd to Playfull and me for shinking. PM myself with a new slutjec please. I Will PM myself. I won't really. It's a joke. Meanwhereas...
Next slapperjack: Health
Leg closed: 6.8.20
Runners are nowt...
Score Position Name
5 1 Playfull
4 2 Me
3 3 Gappy, Thief of bad gags
2 4 Patrick, Playfull
1 5 Altlapel

Avatar

Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 31st July 2020, 1:53pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,083 posts

SODS AND ODDS

PSYCHIATRIST'S STUDIO.
PSYCHIATRIST...

PATIENT (enters) Thank you very much.

PSYCHIATRIST Come in.

PATIENT Not too bad, thanks.

PSYCHIATRIST And how are you?

PATIENT Yes, gotta wrap up nice and warm, eh?

PSYCHIATRIST Shame about this awful weather, though.

PATIENT Oh, I don't know. One's never alone with Netflix, eh?

PSYCHIATRIST And it gets so boring at home all day, doesn't it?

PATIENT Before I'm asked them, yes.

PSYCHIATRIST Now according to our files, your prob is that you answer questions...

PATIENT For years now.

PSYCHIATRIST And how long has this been going on?

PATIENT More than anything. I have the social skills of a 'Big Brother' contestant.

PSYCH IATRIST And of course you'd like it to stop?

PATIENT (lies down) Don't mind if I do.

PSYCHIATRIST Would you care to lie down?

PATIENT Gosh, what a long word.

PSYCHIATRIST Now this condition is technically known as being rather f**ked up.

PATIENT I'll try.

PSYCHIATRIST Putting the horse before the cart so to speak... So just close your eyes and relax.

PATIENT (yawns) You're right...

PSYCHIATRIST You're feeling a tad sleepy...

PATIENT Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

PSYCHIATRIST And you should fall asleep - NOW!

PATIENT (wakes up)

PSYCHIATRIST (clicks fingers) How do you feel?

PATIENT Fine. I mean - good Lord!

PSYCHIATRIST You're sure you're quite dandy?

PATIENT Fit as fiddled... How on Earth did you do that?

PSYCHIATRIST It's a technique known in the profession as being bleedin' smart. I sucked the condition out of you and transferred it to someone else.

PATIENT Gosh. But whom?

PSYCHIATRIST Who gives a toss?

PATIENT You're right. (leaves)

PSYCHIATRIST (takes out Teddy bear, strokes it... Looks at audience) Of course not. That'd be obvious.

AUDIENCE It wasn't him was it?

Avatar

gappy

  • Monday 3rd August 2020, 7:12pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,037 posts

NORA: Rest your weary bones on my silken pommel, and let us pry into the mysterious pantry of the future together. This tarot deck shall illumine your dusky path.

JAKE: Oh. I'm a bit nervous, to be honest.

NORA: Fear not, traveller, the cards are just. First we have...Death!

JAKE: Aaargh! Death!

NORA: Calm your nerves, pilgrim.

JAKE: But, it's Death! I don't want to die!

NORA: Aha, young langoustine, Death does not always mean death. The Death card can signify change, endings, new beginnings.

JAKE: Oh. Alright. If you're sure.

NORA: I am. And the second card to light the way is....Disemboweeling!

JAKE: Aarrgh! Disembowelling! That's bad.

NORA: No. No, not necessarily. It doesn't *always* mean actual disembowelling, it might mean...err, wind.

JAKE: Wind?

NORA: Trapped wind, yes. Moving swiftly on, it's the...Jack of Coronaries.

JAKE: Oh. And is that one what it looks like, or...

NORA: Erm. Well, it sort of depends what the next one is, to do the proper reading, so let's take a quick peek and - ah. The Seven of AIDS.

JAKE: Is that bad?

NORA: It's not good. Erm, here you go, the Nine of Ebola, no that's probably not yours, how about this one...Mr Bun The Baker.

JAKE: Thank goodness! That one's alright, I suppose.

NORA: No, it basically means death. And your last card is...the Going To Be Crushed By A Traction Engine Just Outside This Tent.

JAKE: Oh. Does that one mean, err, actually, err...

NORA: No idea. Never seen it before. But, you know, [Briskly] it probably won't happen, the visions are hazy, nobody can really see into the future anyway, just a harmless bit of fun, thank you, come again.

JAKE: Ah. I see. So, it's all fine, then? [Silence] Great. Well, I'll just be nipping along, thanks for the...jolly fun...laughs.

NORA: Right. Oh, just before you go, one message from the oracle - could you lend us a tenner? Or twenty. I'll pay you back tomorrow. Tell you what, let's make it a round hundred.

AvatarBCG Supporter

playfull

  • Wednesday 5th August 2020, 8:51pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,755 posts

IN A SIMPLE BUT EXPENSIVELY FURNISHED WAITING ROOM SIT MRS KENT AND HER MID-TWENTIES DAUGHTER SUSAN. THEY BOTH SIT STARING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE. ON THE TABLE IN FRONT OF THEM ARE A SELECTION OF LEAFLETS WITH TITLES LIKE - THE CHOICE CLINIC, ASSISTED SUICIDE, HELP FOR FAMILIES DURING AND AFTER 'CHOICE'.
THE DOOR OPENS AND A DOCTOR ENTERS.

DOCTOR: Ah, Mrs Kent, and your charming daughter, are you being well looked after? Would you like some more Tea?

MRS KENT: No thank you Doctor. Is it over? How did he cope?

DOCTOR: Everything went very smoothly, a textbook procedure.

MRS KENT: Thank god for that,

SUSAN: The Phenobarbital...did dad feel anything?

DOCTOR: No, I can assure you he did not feel anything...

SUSAN & MRS KENT: (TOGETHER) Thank goodness.

DOCTOR: (CONT) ...Not the first time. Do you know if your husband worked with chemicals?

SUSAN: Sorry, did you say the first time?

DOCTOR: Yes. As I said did your husband ever work with chemicals? Somewhere he could have built up some kind of chemical resistance?

MRS KENT: Is that possible? Can you become resistant to chemicals?

DOCTOR: And pillows apparently.

SUSAN: You tried to kill my Father with a pillow!?

DOCTOR: To be fair it was his idea, and we were running out of the Phenobarbital.

MRS KENT: He worked In an office...most recently on the news desk at the Daily Mail.

DOCTOR: I see. Well I have sent a nurse out for a hammer. So, this will soon be over, one way or another.

(THE DOCTORS MOBILE RINGS)

SUSAN: Mum! Dad is still alive we have to get him out of here.

(THE DOCTOR ANSWERS HIS MOBILE)

DOCTOR: Hello,...no, I don't care what colour the hammer is...

MRS KENT: I don't know dear. Your father seemed pretty adamant about ending it all.

DOCTOR:...Claw hammer definitely claw...Ok, yes hurry back.

SUSAN: I think I want to see my father.

DOCTOR: I'm afraid he made his wishes clear...

SUSAN: Well I think the situation has changed...

DOCTOR: Nearly three thousand assisted suicides since the Clinic opened. I have never seen anything like this.

SUSAN: I must insist,

MRS KENT: Now Susan, we agreed. Dad has an untreatable and aggressive form of Alzheimer's and...

SUSAN: But we could look after him...

MRS KENT: No, we could not. Dad would be a danger to us all sweetheart. That is why he is here. He is trying to protect us.

SUSAN: I know. (SHE HUGS HER MUM).

DOCTOR: It is times like this when you see the love that binds a family. It makes the job worthwhile. Now, you might want to put the radio on, there is likely to be some loud hammering.

MRS KENT: Here Doctor this might help.

(MRS KENT TAKES SOMETHING WRAPPED IN A HANDKERCHIEF FROM HER HANDBAG AND HANDS IT TO THE DOCTOR)

DOCTOR: What is it Mrs Kent?

(HE LIFTS A CORNER OF THE HANDKERCHIEF AND PEERS IN AT IT. HIS FACE IS LIT UP GREEN)

MRS KENT: It is Kryptonite. Ask Clark to hold it and have another go with the Pillow. And please, call me Lois.

Avatar

Thief Of Bad Gags

  • Wednesday 5th August 2020, 9:25pm [Edited]
  • Rotherham, United Kingdom
  • 104 posts

IN GOOD HEALTH
A SOLO TRUMPET PLAYS A FEW BARS OF MUSIC
SCENE ONE : EXT. A PARK BENCH IN A BUSY PARK

BERT: Anyone sitting here?

PERCY: Eh?

BERT: Thank you.

BERT SITS DOWN ON THE PARK BENCH

BERT: God, mi legs.

PERCY: I'm Percy, nice to meet you, Godfrey.

BERT: No, no My LEGS.

PERCY: Oh sorry, yeah, you can sit there.

BERT: No thanks, I've already been to the lav.

PERCY: No, I said you can SIT there.

BERT: Ha ha, sorry, I'm a trifle deaf.

PERCY: Ha, me too.

BERT: I'm Bert by the way.

PERCY: Nice to meet you, Bert.

BERT: I've got one leg longer than the other and I've been walking around in a circle all morning.

PERCY: Ha, old age eh? At our age good health is a luxury.

BERT: Aye, a luxury my pension can't afford.

PERCY: I'm trying to get comfy on this god damn bench. My piles are troubling me again.

BERT: Sorry to hear that, Percy old lad.

F/X. FIDGITING AND A PLASTIC BAG CAN BE HEARD.

Just moving mi Boris Johnson.

PERCY: Your Boris Johnson?

BERT: Aye, mi Boris Johnson, mi colostomy bag.

PERCY: Bag?

BERT: Aye, its always taking the piss!

BOTH LAUGH

F/X PERCY BRAKES WIND THAT RATTLES THE BENCH

PERCY: Better out than in

BERT: Jeeezus, I'ld rather you had kept it in.

PERCY: Sorry Bert, only I suffer from bad flatulence.

BERT: Phew! I don't need to be a doctor to know that.

PERCY: Aye well, I see my doctor more times than the wife.

BERT: Well that's a not bad thing.

BOTH LAUGH

PERCY: Gout

BERT: But I've only just sat down?

PERCY: Gout, I SUFFER FROM GOUT.

BOTH LAUGH

BERT: Rich man' s disease

PERCY: I wish, I haven't got two ha'pennies to rub together

F/X BOTH RELAX BOTH PAUSE AND REFLECT. SOUNDS OF A BUSY PARK

BERT: I've got a rash

PERCY: Ok Bert, nice to have met ya, hope to see you again one day?

BERT: No no. A SHAVING RASH.

RUBS HIS CHIN

BOTH LAUGH.

A HUGE FAT MAN STANDS BEFORE THEM.

FAT MAN: Excuse me, I can't find my spectacles, you've not seen them hanging around have you?

BERT: Bloody Nora, have you tried dropping your trousers and using a mirror?

A SOLO TRUMPET PLAYS OUT A FEW BARS OF MUSIC

AvatarBCG Supporter

playfull

  • Saturday 8th August 2020, 11:57pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,755 posts

All good, but Gappy by the thickness of a Tarot card!

Avatar

gappy

  • Sunday 9th August 2020, 5:22pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,037 posts

I really like Playfull's concept, but I think the name Kent should be withheld until the end, because I had it licked after the first line. Going to give it to the thief, just for the "I've got a rash" line, but with props to Michael's Two Ronnies meets Fry & Laurie workout.

AvatarBCG Supporter

playfull

  • Sunday 9th August 2020, 6:43pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,755 posts
Quote: gappy @ 9th August 2020, 5:22 PM

I really like Playfull's concept, but I think the name Kent should be withheld until the end, because I had it licked after the first line.

I sometimes think we are too polite on the skit comp and are all missing an opportunity to improve by not offering (post vote) critique. I for one would be happy to be critiqued.
So thanks for the feedback. I did wonder if it would be blindingly obvious, but hoped the daughter and the location might be enough of a distraction to keep Superman out of mind.

As with as lot of sketches i did not start with Superman. I just started with an idea - 'what would happen if Dignitas had a patient that they could not kill (or kill easily)? Then halfway through thought 'make him superman', so I went back and changed the name. I did worry that i had given the game away but was too close to judge properly. I am sure you all know what i mean.

As always, i am sure there is a much better sketch in this idea, and i am also sure it would have benefited from some script doctoring by any of you.

Keep writing.

Avatar

gappy

  • Friday 14th August 2020, 2:33pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,037 posts

You may always criticise any of my entries, I find it interesting. I often find it hard to predict what you lot will and won;t like as well!