British Comedy Guide

Fully clothed and ready for parsnip 22 - 30.6.20

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 22nd June 2020, 7:12am [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,904 posts

Yes. C**tgtasulazioningd to Gappy for shinking. PM myself with a new slutjec please. Meanwhereas...
Next slapperjack: The Law
Leg closed: 30.6.20
Runners are nowt...
Score Position Name
13 1 Gappy
6 2 Playfull, Firkin
3 3 Me, Patrick
1 4 Otterfox, Tiggy

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Firkin

  • Monday 22nd June 2020, 8:52pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 916 posts

Anyone can join in, pull up a chair.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 22nd June 2020, 10:14pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,904 posts

The more the merrier, in the words of my mother.
That wasn't my entry. In the words of my dad.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 23rd June 2020, 10:08am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,904 posts

QUESTIONABLE

POLICE STATION.
COPPER and LAD.

COPPER So, you understand why you're here?

LAD Yeah - the Mill Street robbery - but it wasn't me, right? And when you...

COPPER (raises hand) Ah - ah - ah. All in good time, Sir. First, some questions. Full name?

LAD Derek Arthur Horner.

COPPER (writing) Address?

LAD 17 Murphy Crescent, Maidstone, Kent.

COPPER Age?

LAD 28.

COPPER Favourite colour?

LAD Huh? Um - blue.

COPPER Favourite animal?

LAD Look, is this really necessary?

COPPER I'll decide that, Sir. Favourite animal.

LAD Dog.

COPPER Didn't hurt, did it? Favourite Spice Girl?

LAD Oh for God's...

COPPER FAVOURITE SPICE GIRL - PLEASE.

LAD Baby Spice.

COPPER Can't say I approve, but it's a free country... Capital of France.

LAD Paris.

COPPER Battle of Hastings?

LAD 1066.

COPPER Chemical formula for water?

PAUSE.

LAD Pass.

COPPER H20.

LAD Damn!

COPPER Okay, next round. Who wrote The Great Gatsby?

LAD Oh I know this... Hemingway. No - Fitzgerald.

COPPER Who is the current US President?

LAD Duh! Donald Trump. I'm enjoying this.

COPPER Me too. What was the Beatles' first number one?

LAD 'Love Me Do'.

COPPER No, it was 'Please Please Me'.

LAD I think you'll find it was 'Love Me Do'.

COPPER No. Common mistake. 'Love Me Do' was the Fabs' first 45 but 'Please Please Me' peaked the parade for primers, making 'Love Me Do' the only Starr'n'all stall 'n' fall until 'Strawberry Fields Forever', which is ironic as 'Fields' is now considered the landmark, hallmark and bleedin' good.

LAD You're right. What'm I like eh?

COPPER Make it up in Brucie's Bonus. Who wrote 'Of arms and the man I sing'?

LAD Virgil.

COPPER No, Milton. Virgil's exact words were 'arma virumque canto'. What I quoted was Milton's official translation. Mwahahaha! Virgil may've been a genius but I hardly think he inscribed English several centuries before its very conception.

LAD You FIEND.

COPPER Them's the rules, mate... Name a poisonous snake.

LAD Ah ha, that's another trick question. None of are poisonous, but many are venomous. You see, 'poisonous' means that digestion, inhalation or bodily absorption of any ilk proves fatal, whereas 'venomous' refers to the act of...

Enter SERGEANT.

SERGEANT Oh my God, Wilkins, not again. Next time you'll up for wasting police time.

COPPER Yes, Sir. Sorry, Sir.

SERGEANT Sorry about that Sir. Name?

LAD Derek Arthur Horner.

SERGEANT That's not what it says on the card.

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gappy

  • Thursday 25th June 2020, 5:28pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,026 posts

1: Knock knock.

2: Who's there?

1: Dr.

2: [BEAT] Yeah, I'm going to need a little more data. Who's there?

1: Dr.

2: No, what's your full name?

1: Dr.

2: Your name can't be Dr. Nobody's name is Dr! Just tell me who you are!

1: Dr. The eponymous leader of the band Dr & The Medics.

2: Oh. So, in fairness, you were right to refer to yourself as simply Dr.

1: I think so. Anyway, can I come in?

2: No.

1: Why not?

2: I don't know who you are.

1: I'm Dr. The eponymous leader of the band Dr & The Medics.

2: Look, I admire your cover of Norman Greenbaum's psych-pop afterlife treatise "Spirit In The Sky" as much as anyone.

1: That's not much.

2: Well, OK, I like it a bit more. But I still don't see why I should let you in.

1: It's my house.

2: Ah. Oh. Yeah, so, I am a burglar.

1: I figured. Have you taken anything yet?

2: No. Only just got here. Well. Half an hour ago. I don't like to miss Diagnosis Murder, so I took a break.

1: Fair enough. But you've not actually taken anything?

2: No. Oh, wait, I did. I had a Jaffa Cake, and some Tab Clear.

1: I don't have any Tab Clear.

2: Right. I had some sparkling water, then. I thought it tasted sugary, but that must have been the Jaffa Cake.

1: OK, I think I can let you off those.

2: And you won't call the police?

1: No. You see...I forgot my key, so...

2: So you want me to let you in?

1: Yeah. A bit.

2: This is a trick. I open this door, that's breaking and entering.

1: No, you've done that already. It's not a crime to go *out* of a building. Even if it's not yours. Especially if it's not yours.

2: Alright, I'll let you in. But you promise you won't press charges.

1: I won't. If you promise not to take anything.

2: I already took the Jaffa Cake and the Tab Clear.

1: It wasn't Tab Clear.

2: Oh yeah, I forgot.

1: That's fine, I won't press charges.

2: Alright, come in then.

SFX: DOOR OPENING

2: Alright?

1: Yeah. Yeah, thanks.

2: 'S'alright. [PAUSE] Err, don't know what to, err, say next.

1: No. There's no real precedent for this situation. Unique.

2: Yeah, I reckon. So I might just be off then. Thanks for the Jaffa Cake.

1: Well, you can't thank me for something you took without asking.

2: Suppose.

1: Yeah. Oh, but just to say thanks, for helping me out, and that, I could sing you a song. "Spirit In The Sky", that's a good one.

2: Naah....you're alright.

1: Course. Bye then.

2: Yeah. Bye.

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Thief Of Bad Gags

  • Thursday 25th June 2020, 9:36pm [Edited]
  • Rotherham, United Kingdom
  • 77 posts

LAW OF THE LAND
By Thief of Bad Gags

A retired Police man admiring his crop of prized carrots on an allotment

Old Bill: There, straight as a police lineup parade

Jack: I see you've still got it, Old Bill?

Old Bill: It never leaves you Jack, once a bobby always a bobby

Jack: At least you've brought law and order to our allotment

Old Bill: Hi Jack, have to have law and order in everything or you have anarchy just like this allotment once had

Jack: Hi true, members can't thank you enough for catching Fertiliser Fred , green fingered

Old Bill: The police never leaves you Jack, Fertiliser Fred won't be seen around these plots for a week, next time it will be life behind the gates

Jack: You're keeping mine and the members vegetables safe you are

Old Bill: Hi Jack and Implementing the allotment's rules, but I prefer to call them the laws

Jack: And Fertiliser Fred?

Old Bill pulls out a an old battered policeman's notebook from his top overall pocket

Old Bill: Broke the law he did. I was on my sugar beat. I saw Fertiliser Fred pushing his wheelbarrow along the path but his course of direction was suspicious. I shouted for him to halt, but he made a push for it. Myself and my own wheelbarrow chased in hot pursuit. Fertiliser Fred was throwing weeds out from his wheelbarrow as he sped away. Getting rid of the evidence.

Jack: Did ya catcha him?

Old Bill: Oh yeah on my dash cam attached to my wheelbarrow. Evidence for the allotment committee.

Jack: Up here for thinking ( Taps his forehead)

Old Bill: Then I called out for help and Compost Dave threw out a roll of barb wire across the path

Jack: Barb wire?

Old Bill: Hi, a sort of stinger like. It punctured Fertiliser Fred's wheelbarrow tyre slowing him down. Then I did what we were trained in at the traffic speed chasing school.

Jack: And that was?

Old Bill: I drove my wheelbarrow at the side of his and pushed him off the cinder path and he landed in Ackroyd's bed of roses.

Jack: I bet he felt a right prick (Giggles)

Old Bill: It was more than one prick, Jack. It was a case of, he fell in a bunch of roses and came out smelling of shit.

Both chuckle

Jack: He was pulled over the cauliflowers?

Old Bill: (Looks down at his notebook) Fertiliser Fred stood in the Hock and was duly sentenced by the Allotment Committee for the possession of vast amounts of weeds thus breaking the law of the allotment act of 1922. Breach of the peas. He received nine points on his membership card and a week's ban and his wheelbarrow was taken away and crushed

Jack: Well blow me, he lettuce all down and I always thought Fertiliser Fred was an honest gardener

Old Bill: You can never trust anyone these days, Jack. Not even the common old gardener?

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Patrick Robinson

  • Sunday 28th June 2020, 11:52pm [Edited]
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 131 posts

A gangster once threatened me: if I didn't kidnap an old lady, he'd cut off part of my foot: it was Gran Theft Auto.

If we're all "innocent until proven guilty" why do they call it a "court" room?

The law of averages. Sounds mean.

The first time I explained the law of diminishing returns I had a great time, but now, not so much.

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Firkin

  • Monday 29th June 2020, 2:39pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 916 posts

WE ARE INSIDE A PRISON, ON STAGE WITH A SET BEING MADE.

WARDEN: Rimmer can I speak with you ?

R: Well we are about to begin rehearsals Sir. [SHOUTING] Charlie for the last time we're not doing Jesus Christ Superstar, so stop nailing James to the set.

WARDEN: We're a bit concerned that this year's panto is termed " Black Beauty and the twelve honkys."

R: Well we're trying to be PC , like you asked. Snow White sounds a bit like a drug dealer to be honest. Anyway our best actor is Darnel from E wing and he's.

WARDEN: Oh gosh he is beautiful ! I mean so I'm told. But it's not so much that, it's the

R: The black bit ? You are sooo racist ! [SHOUTING] Hammer the metal nails, not Tony's nails. Oh you've got blood everywhere now, take him to the hospital. I guess it's Black Beauty and the eleven honkys now.

WARDEN: No the honky bit, I seem to remember from diversity training that was considered derogatory for some reason. Mind you I wasn't really paying attention, but..

R: Ah, well honky just means sounding a horn. Several of our dwarves, I'm mean honkys have irritable bowel syndrome you see. As you know there's no horn in prison after lights down, so maybe that's what your training was about ? [SHOUTING] Stop punching Snow White, you'll ruin his make up !

WARDEN: Ah you said Snow White.

R: That's just Charlie's nick name. He's playing Dopey, I should never have given him a hammer.

WARDEN: Look, I don't want a repeat of last year, that transcended into a sex show. This year I just want Black Beauty and 12 men on their knees pretending to be dwarves, no funny business OK ? In fact Darnel is too sexy. I want a repugnant old man playing Snow White, I don't want anyone accusing us of not being PC.

R: Yeah but this is prison, we've got to use what we've got. What about "White trash and the 12 rapists ?"

WARDEN: Goodness me no !

R: Trump and the 12 beauty Queens ? Or we could call it Beauties and the Beast.

WARDEN: Interesting, but we're going to have to wait until he loses an election to get Trump in jail.

R: Rolf Harris and the 12 children, they're naturally short, so...

WARDEN: Rolf Harris ! He's a well mannered chap that loves animals, perfect.

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playfull

  • Tuesday 30th June 2020, 11:55pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,723 posts

SARGE: Thank you for coming PC Brown. Take a seat.

BROWN: Where to Sarge?

SARGE: If I wanted a comedian, I would have rung up Michael McIntyre.

BROWN: And asked him if he knew one?

SARGE: Just sit-down lad.

BROWN: Sorry Sarge, I'm just nervous. I love this job.

SARGE: I know lad but there have been complaints.

BROWN: Complaints?

SARGE: (OPENING A FILE ON THE DESK IN FRONT OF HIM) Like this one from Tommy Smith, or rather from 11 month old Tommy's mum. She says you tasered young Tommy while he was playing in his own front yard.

BROWN: He was breaking the Law Sarge. And when I challenged him he refused to desist.

SARGE: And what Law would that be PC?

BROWN: In broad daylight, bold as brass.

SARGE: Which Law was little Tommy breaking PC?

BROWN: He was attempting to break the Law of gravity Sarge.

SARGE: He was in a baby bouncer.

BROWN: Laughing and smiling he was.

SARGE: I repeat. he was in a baby bouncer!

BROWN: The Law is the Law Sarge.
SARGE: No, it's not PC, at least it's not if it's not the Law of the Land. Newtons 2nd Law of motion is not a criminal law as prescribed in the cannon of UK Law. It is a scientific Law, an example of scientific principle.

BROWN: I know Sarge. I googled it after I tasered Tommy.

SARGE: If you knew, then why in hells name did you taser Tommy's mother?

BROWN: She broke a different Law Sarge.

SARGE: Which Law?

BROWN: The Law of Khama Sarge. She came charging toward me shouting without a thought about the Law of Khama.

SARGE: How do you mean PC?

BROWN: Well the Law of Khama allows for Tommy to seek physical redress by causing me a similar amount of suffering to that I had inflicted upon his person.

SARGE: 11 Month old Tommy?

BROWN: I don't make the Laws; I just enforce them.

SARGE: Again, not a real Law. So it was Khama that Tasered her in the face, twice?

BROWN: It's the Law of what goes around comes around.

SARGE: No, it's not. And it says here you laid out the farther with your truncheon. Why did you do that?

BROWN: My taser was empty.

SARGE: No, I meant why did you hit him?

BROWN: He had no regard for the Law of Diminishing returns Sarge.

SARGE: And finally, you Knocked spark out, little Tommy's Grandma?

BROWN: Had to Sarge she broke the comedy Law of three. She could have ruined the whole sketch.
Am I going to be sacked Sarge?

SARGE: Well you should have been in trouble, but it looks like the real Law has come to your rescue lad.

BROWN: How?

SARGE: The medics found half a kilo of Charlie in Little Tommy's nappy.

BROWN: That's not real Law, that's sods Law Sarge!

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 1st July 2020, 6:11am [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,904 posts

What a fantabulous week and welcome to Mr Gags, our newest member. Gappy again with Playfull come second.

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playfull

  • Wednesday 1st July 2020, 9:33am
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,723 posts

Agree with Michael - a good week, you can see the effort. And hello to the Thief.

Nice back and forth from Michael, with a surreal feel that appeals.
Gappy - always spot on with the dialog - left me wondering what was the 'Tab Clear'?
The Thief of Bad Gags - liked the idea of a police chase with wheelbarrows. Nice visual.
Patrick - really nice set of gags - took me about 10 f**king minutes to get AUTO!
Firkin -again a nice sense of the surreal that permeated the whole comp. Liked -

WARDEN: Ah you said Snow White.
R: That's just Charlie's nick name. He's playing Dopey,

And mine .... recently, always feels like there is a better sketch trying to get out?

All very close but going for Patrick with a mention for Firkin.

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Firkin

  • Wednesday 1st July 2020, 11:43am [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 916 posts

What a good week. Thief Of Bad Gags begins with a strong entry [Waits for Michael's punchline]. Love Patrick's two mathematical jokes. Can't help noting Playfull hit the deadline with 5 minutes to go, good suspense. Love the "sods Law" line. Micheal and Gappy were both good as always, but my vote goes to Thief Of Bad Gags as it's nice to see a new style and I really like the idea of a low high speed chase.

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Thief Of Bad Gags

  • Wednesday 1st July 2020, 12:46pm
  • Rotherham, United Kingdom
  • 77 posts

Hiya everyone thank you for making me welcome. Thank you for your kind words. It's amazing what pops into your head when you have a week away from work, the sun is shining and you are drinking the town's brewery beers. Bliss.
Loved all your work and your chuckle gems, well done everyone.
Michael's quiz questions down at the cop shop wins it for me and Playfull's breaking the law of gravity for being in a baby bouncer Ha Ha ????