British Comedy Guide

Mongoose, Juice and Elks 8 - 16.6.20

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 8th June 2020, 4:51pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,534 posts

Yes. C**tgtasulazioningd to me for shinking. I will PM myself with a new slutjec. I won't really. It's a joke. Meanwhilst...
Next slapperjack: Rhetoric
Leg closed: 16.6.20
Runners are nowt...
Score Position Name
11 1 Gappy
6 2 Playfull
5 3 Firkin
3 4 Me
2 5 Patrick
1 6 Otterfox, Tiggy

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 9th June 2020, 8:42pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,534 posts

BUDASS

LECTURE HALL.
BUDDHIST MONK... Camera pans out to ONE STUDENT.

MONK Good afereve class, or my little flockers as I am wont to call thee, and welcome to this morn's Buddhist class whole. I am awful - I am awfully glad to say that fellows oft demand, What is the goal whither one strivest along this path of Goodhead? Ah, 'tis most simple: to achieve a state of perfect peace, nameless knowledge, supreme serenity...

STUDENT Yeah, how long'll it take? Only I'm meeting Dick 'n' Rog fer a pint after and...

MONK Lovely. Well some of our more advanced...

STUDENT Thought this is beginners.

MONK ... Spiritually advanced students enjoy Nirvana...

STUDENT Badass!

MONK In but three or four...

STUDENT (looks at watch) Bugger, that's ten o'clock. I'll miss the footie.

MONK Decades.

STUDENT You wot? That's over a year. Soz, I ain't sittin' 'ere listening to you lecturing, Father. Don't preach, Papa! What if I need a weewee?

MONK You don't HAVE to sit here, you bugg - boghda. It's an inner journey along Mah?catt?r?saka Sutta...

STUDENT Never heard of it. Anyone got Googlemaps?... Oh.

MONK Through pratityasamutpada...

STUDENT Prat 'n' titass back at you, mate.

MONK Via Dhammacakkappavattana sutta...

STUDENT (giggles) Damn! Caca! Shitter!

MONK Towards pradobahn.

STUDENT He's at it again. Have you been on the tea?

MONK To Enlightenment.

STUDENT And what's it like there?

MONK I can't tell you. You have to get there yourself.

STUDENT You bugger.

MONK BOGHDA.

STUDENT You're like smartarse Clever Dick Atkins.

MONK Who?

STUDENT Maths boffin sat next to me at Grange Hill. 'What's the answer?' 'I worked it all by myself. You have to too.' F**k you.

MONK You don't understand.

STUDENT No you don't understand. I think you're onto a nice little earner here. You come in looking like a cross between...

MONK Don't talk about Cross. That's...

STUDENT Between Bob Geldof and another Bob Geldof, you spout six billion wanky terms that make David Beckham sound like David Icke, and then you quite calmly say I gotta do all the bloody work for Christ's sake.

MONK I said, don't... Look. The goal is to be so peaceful you can tolerate anything.

STUDENT I'm off anyway. Gotta take my son to see One Direction.

MONK You're there.

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gappy

  • Tuesday 9th June 2020, 9:37pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,102 posts

WINSTON: [YOUR BEST CHURCHILL IMPRESSION. ALL UNUSUAL PRONUNCIATIONS ARE SPELT - IT ALL SPRINGS FROM HIS ODD WAY OF SAYING "NAZI"] We must face the darkness that is covering Europe. We must stand firm against the Nazzy menace.

HALIFAX: No we mustn't.

WINSTON: That's quite a leftfield opinion for a Foreign Secretary in 1940, Halifax.

HALIFAX: No. I definitely think we should fight against Hitler, but I also definitely know you don't say it Nazzies.

WINSTON: I do say it Nazzies!

HALIFAX: Yes, you say it Nazzies, I agree, but everybody else says it Nazis!

WINSTON: Including the Nazzies?

HALIFAX: Especially the Nazis, yes. They literally invented the word. You're saying it wrong. Nazzy doesn't sound like a fascist scourge; it sounds like a word to describe a pleasingly spruce shaving brush.

WINSTON: Which one of us is a celebrated rhetorician, Halifax, hmmm? I feel somewhat as though these subtleties of pronunciation are of less importance than our standing against the scourge of Nazzy [PRONOUNCED WITH A HARD G] Germany.

HALIFAX: It's Germany! It's not [HARD G] Germany. How can you not know that?

WINSTON: I've...been busy. Doing the war.

HALIFAX: Like what, exactly?

WINSTON: Studying our enemies! Seeking to understand the wiles of Hitler and Moossolliny and Todge-oooooo.

HALFIAX: You have to learn how to say all these names, Winston. It's really basic stuff. You look like an idiot. If you carry on saying Nazzy, history will just remember you as a fat dick. You'll probably be voted The Least Great Briton in History, or something.

WINSTON: I don't think it matters one smidgeen.

HALIFAX: Smidgen.

WINSTON: Smidgen, I meant smidgen. People want results, not names all correct, and stuff. And I know most of them, anyway.

HALIFAX: Where was the air raid that caused the first British civilian casualties?

WINSTON: Scaypay floff.

HALIFAX: Scapa Flow!! And which Norwegian city did the Germans take last month?

WINSTON: Oh-slow.

HALIFAX: No, Oslo.

WINSTON: Nowoslo?

HALIFAX: No, just Oslo. And where did we land troops in Norway in response to this?

WINSTON: Harstad, Narvik and Trondheim.

HALIFAX: [BEAT] I'm not sure about those ones, to be honest. But you won't get anywhere unless you can learn to pronounce these foreign words. You've got to think global, it's the twentieth century. We're all citizens of the world now.

WINSTON: We're at war with about half those citizens.

HALIFAX: Granted, but, you know, you still need to show some respect. Learn how to say these names or the British people will lose all respect for you.

WINSTON: Or...I could just call them all foreigners, with a kind of sneer. How do think the British people will go for that?

HALIFAX: Actually, that will probably be fine.

WINSTON: Hurrah! I'm the best Lord of the Admirality!

HALIFAX: It's Admiralty.

WINSTONL: Oh, f**k it, I'm off down the pub.

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Firkin

  • Sunday 14th June 2020, 12:39pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 1,079 posts

CHARITY SHOP WITH A BIG "E BUY HECK" SIGN IN THE STYLE OF EBAY. TWO ELDERLY SHOP KEEPERS ARE BUSYING THEMSELVES WHILST PAUL SHOPS.

PAUL: Excuse me, how much is this vase please ?

ETHAL: We're an e buy charity shop now deary, so you've got to bid on it see.

PAUL: OK I'll bid 20p [beat] Well can I buy it now please ?

ETHAL: Oh silly billy, you've got to wait for the bidding to stops dear.

PAUL: When's that then ?

ETHAL: Oh, um ...quarter past two in the morning.

PAUL: But you're closed at two A.M !

ETHAL: You win some you lose some. Head office's idea. Apparently we were too retro, so we've modernised. It is a really, really, beautiful vase though isn't it? I'll have that back now please. [SHE SNATCHES IT BACK]

PAUL: Well what bids are about to finish now then?

ETHAL: We've got a set of china, six tea cups and sauces, excellent condition. [PASSES A PILE OF SAUSES TO PAUL]

PAUL: Ok I'll give you a quid.

ETHAL: [SHOUTING] Last call for the sauces, bidding stopping in three, two [SOUND OF A BULLET AND THE SAUSERS SMASH] one.

PAUL: What the heck was that!

ETHAL: A sniper bid sir, Gertrude's put a sneaky last minute bid in. Oh she's a cheeky one.

[GERTRUDE APPEARS HOLDING A SMOKING RIFLE]

PAUL: Cheeky! She almost took my hands off!

GERTRUDE: Where's my tea set then?

PAUL: Two can play at that game, you never said the bidding had finished, Ha ! I up the bidding to 50 quid; come on it must be the ended now!

GERTRUDE: Sold. Do you want a bag?

ETHAL: [SHE SWEEPS THE BROKEN PIECES INTO A BAG] I think you'll need one.

PAUL: Oh well at least I've got some cups.

ETHAL: Oh Gertrude another one who didn't read his terms and conditions, the young of today with their clickerty click life style. This set was sold as seen, did you see any cups Gertrude?

GERTRUDE: No Ethel I did not.

ETHAL: No cups. [BANGS THE BAG OF BROKEN CHINA ON THE COUNTER] Would you like it gift wrapped sir?

PAUL: What terms and conditions?

GERTRUDE: The ones you signed for me at the door.

PAUL: You told me it was a petition about saving wild life ?

ETHAL: Gertrude likes to live the wild life and the state pension hardly keeps her in Champaign and talcum powder.

GERTRUDE: That'll be 50 pounds please young man. You really should read the Terms and Conditions.

[PAUL LEAVES]

GERTRUDE: We've just had a parcel from head office, [SHE HOLDS UP A SCANT HOMEMADE BUCK SUEDE TWO PIECE SWIMSUIT. ETHEL HOLDS SEVERAL SPEARS LOOKING BEMUSED]

GERTRUDE: [READING A LETTER] Apparently the EBay theme isn't working. They want us to switch to an Amazon.

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Patrick Robinson

  • Sunday 14th June 2020, 11:45pm
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 141 posts

MP for Carshareshire, John Nerrick, walks to the podium.

If there is one thing I can guarantee, it's that I have used the word 'if' at the start of this sentence. People accuse me of making empty rhetoric. Let me assure you that my rhetoric has never been even partially full. People ask me my three priorities and I'll tell you: alliteration, alliteration and alliteration. People ask me so many questions. I save my answers, not for them. But for you, the people that didn't ask me the questions. Does this smell right to you? Feel tight? Taste light? Sound shite? Mark my words that time will tell. I am as consistent as the day is long. Because we have a day. Because it is long. Because it is ours.

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playfull

  • Tuesday 16th June 2020, 11:15pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,901 posts

KEVIN: Mr President, you wanted to see me.

TRUMP: Yes Kevin, please take a seat...But not the one at the desk, that's my seat.

KEVIN: Ok, Mr President, I'll sit here on the couch.

TRUMP: I think we work well together Kevin. But it can't be easy working for a man like me. A genius who has all the big words. Can it?

KEVIN: well to be honest...

TRUMP: Boom! That Kevin was a Rhetorical question.

KEVIN: Well no Mr President It was actually a question. The 'Can it?' at the end pretty much...

TRUMP: Do you know what a Rhetorical question is Kevin?

KEVIN: Yes, of course.

TRUMP: Let me explain. It's a question that is so cleaver, coming from i don't know, a person who people are calling a genius, not everyone, but a lot of people, smart people. Anyway, the question is so smart that CNN can't answer it.

KEVIN: That's not a correct definition Mr Pres...

RUMP: How long have you been my speech writer Kevin?

KEVIN: Since Wednesday.

TRUMP: Honestly, I'm surprised and a little disappointed, you don't know about Rhetoric.

KEVIN: I do Mr President... Rhetoric? Are we talking about Rhetorical questions or Rhetoric?

TRUMP: Have you heard about Winston Churchill Kevin? He was like an English Gary Oldman, He spoke fluent Rhetoric. Which by the way won him the World Wide War 2. And Hitler, he wanted to use Rhetoric back, but he spoke in German so people couldn't understand him.

KEVIN: Is there a point Mr President? 'And that is a real question'.

TRUMP: I want to speak Rhetoric, like Garry Oldman.

KEVIN: I put a lot of Rhetoric into your speeches Mr President. But you don't use anything I write.

TRUMP: I'm so full of great ideas Kevin. Everyone says I am full of it.

KEVIN: And I have to agree with them Mr President, but you only use 8% of the words I give you.

TRUMP: No need to thank me. You can take the credit for the stuff I do say. Some great stuff.

KEVIN: Let's try something here. I'll mention a classic piece of Rhetoric and you see if you can repeat it exactly back to me. "Never have so many owed so much to so few."

TRUMP: Who would say that?

KEVIN: It's one of Gary Oldman's.

TRUMP: Ok...I don't have to pay tax, cos I'm not stupid.

KEVIN: "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country?"

TRUMP: Let's make America Great again?

KEVIN: I come to bury Caesar not to praise him.

TRUMP: Lock her up!

KEVIN: I have to ask, is it possible to teach you anything at all Mr President? And that is a Rhetorical question!

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playfull

  • Wednesday 17th June 2020, 9:09am
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,901 posts

Good stuff everyone! I have to 'pronounce' Gappy the winner, with a special mention for Patrick.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 17th June 2020, 9:20am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,534 posts

Good wank. Firkin cums first with spurts hot on his heels and no one coming up the rear.
How do I do it? What's my secret? I guess we'll never know.

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Firkin

  • Wednesday 17th June 2020, 12:57pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 1,079 posts

A strong week I liked them all. But on reading Gappy's I had Mel Brooks voice in my ear and it caught my imagination, so Gappy gets the vote. Sending the Nazies up was Mel Brook's power of force. It's interesting that America has kept up the slap stick tradition and the UK less so. Our best, Sacha Baron Cohen, went to America pretty early on. I wonder why it's waned in the UK ?

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gappy

  • Wednesday 17th June 2020, 7:02pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,102 posts

I think it's Patrick for me this time (judgement delivered the voice in Mel Brooks).

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Firkin

  • Wednesday 17th June 2020, 10:09pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 1,079 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 17th June 2020, 9:55 PM I f**king hate Mel Brooks.

Interesting. He does manic, irreverent slap stick comedy as did Rik Mayall and the Young ones. The farting scene in Blazing Saddles could have been a scene in Bottom. What don't you like ?

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 17th June 2020, 10:40pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,534 posts

That's what I hate about him. Crude, forced and formulaic. Whenever I try to watch a Mel Fooks flick I feel insulted after ten minutes and switch off. Frankenstein Junior bores me shitless too.

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Patrick Robinson

  • Wednesday 17th June 2020, 11:25pm
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 141 posts

Really good week. My vote: playfull. Loved:

"He was like an English Gary Oldman".

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Firkin

  • Wednesday 17th June 2020, 11:32pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 1,079 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 17th June 2020, 10:40 PM That's what I hate about him. Crude, forced and formulaic. Whenever I try to watch a Mel Fooks flick I feel insulted after ten minutes and switch off. Frankenstein Junior bores me shitless too.

I thought The Producers and Blazing Saddles were excellent but found his other movies, as you say formulaic and childish. Quite a stark contrast.