British Comedy Guide

Nadview 16 - 25.5.20

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 16th May 2020, 7:53am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,668 posts

Yes. C**tgtasulazioningd to Gappy for shinking again. Your prize is to PM me a new slutjec. Meanwhilst...
Next slapperjack: Religion (chosen by Gappy) or Parodies (chosen by Firkin).
Leg closed: 25.5.20
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 9 Gappy
2 4 Firkin, Playfull
3 1 Otterfox, Tiggy, Patrick, me

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 17th May 2020, 4:23pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,668 posts

INAPPROPRIATE

TV STUDIO.
HOSED and CUNTESTANT.

H Good heaving Richard Staines and c**tgratulations on parsing all 69 rounds getting every single question absolutt-ah-ly wrong.

C Thank you Hosed.

H Shut up. Your boners thighbreaker is... Whapp app, sorry what are - what is the napp, sorry name, of a tapp, TYPE, of sAPPorting sapp - SOFTware APPloaded to a capp - computer?

C Um...

H It APP, allows you to carry APP, out, APPropriAPP TAPP-tasks...

C No idea.

H Ap, ap, app! Apparently, you appear appreciably, inappslicapply incappable of appswering thapp conundrapp. Alas and alapp! What's app, dapper chapp? I understapp your inapposite, inapplicable apprehension approximately appertaining appetisingly to unappalling, appendable, appraised appeals...

C Nah...

H Appright, papp... App clue to strappingly, backslappingly, slapphappily wrapp app your apportunitapp: 'Whapp app I? I approach app to appliacapple Lapptop apparatus to appload, apportion and untrapp Apple mapps, appetent nappster and unflapping rapportage...

C (shrugs)

H Oh for f... I'll recapp and wrapp app the scrappy zappy gapps. I'm sapped, zapped and clapped out. It's short for application. It starts the words apply, appease, apprise, apparet, appulse, appose, any other flapping word with app. Exapples - oh f**k it, examples are native APPS on APPLE, hybrid APPS on NAPPster, web APPs in APPle's APPpresser APP-lms APPlied APPlicably as APPs, APPs apps... (crashes out)

C Ha ha. He's collappsed.

H What a load of cr - crud.

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gappy

  • Tuesday 19th May 2020, 6:46pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,017 posts

1: Ah, hear that rolling thunder.

2: They say the thunder is mighty Grothnir tickling his oxen.

1: Aye. Grandfather Grothnir, also called Brithnar, also called Threthnameth, and Snapdraw and Bendlax! Furthermore known as ultrafather, and all-sire, and Padulon the Paterfamilias and Pingu the Procreator, and also called mega-uncle and Martika the sister-in-law.

2: And is he not also known as Oilnak?

1: You say true. Many are his names, such as Oilnak, Boilnak, Glasnost and Clive.

2: Mighty Grothnir, and his tickl-ed oxen! And is it not said that when it rains, this is Grothnir -or, as he is also known, Brandisend and Spatchcock - sprinkling ewe's milk to tempt home a ravem that has stolen his silvery padlock?

1: No! That is not Grothnir, it is his brother, Grathnir!

2: Ah, yes! Grathnir. Also known as Grasmere.

1: And Syllabub.

2: And Clagstain.

1: And Rolandrat.

2: And Flim, Flom, and Superstoats. He sprinkles the milk of his ewe, Spritzer, to tempt back his steel-riveted raven, Calomine.

1: Also known as Gussetmoss.

2: Well, obviously. Obviously Gussetmoss. If you're stating what every schoolchild knows, why not note that Calomine is also known as Threadstitch or Penthnurge or Steven Bloodgrief?

1: Or Jean-Claude Ipswich.

2: You are mistaken, friend, Jean-Claude Ipswich is not the sable raven of Grathnir, also knowna s Grasmere, Syllabub, Clagtsain and so on; it is the blind guinea pig of Skarnor, king of the gods!

1: Skarnor! Dread Skarnor, monarch of the heavens! Also called Gravid, flexing overking! Or Polythene the demongrappler, or Hollyoax, the lung-stretcher, the high fencer, the eagle-swimmer, the toasted palanquin, the breath from Snithinith's pallid tarn, the dew's doomkissed brocade, the triple-headed leopard hammer, the shivering claw, the spanner of gorges, the screwdriver of lunchtime, the lithe cloak-ed pillar, the emperor of holy gracehaven.

2: The big bugger.

1: Skarnor, father of Grothnir, Grathnir, Skittles and Trope. The all-mastering undivided night-sundering time-shatterer of Citreonxsara!

2: Skarnor, before whom each knee must bow.

1: Yes. [BEAT] You don't believe all that stuff, do you?

2: Goodness, no, bunch of rubbish. Anyway, shall we crack on?

1: Yes, let's. [CLEARS THROAT] Hello, and welcome once again to The Infinite Monkey Cage...

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Patrick Robinson

  • Thursday 21st May 2020, 5:53pm
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 126 posts

Dinner party in heaven:

Saint Peter: So, God, glad to finally meet you. Your son has told me a lot about you.....

GOD: All GOD I hope......har har har.

Jesus: (Embarrassed groan) Oh dad, that's so lame, this is why I never invite you to stuff.

END.

Two quick jokes:

Following a faith is like using Facebook. You accept all the terms and conditions without actually reading them.

How do Buddhists like their eggs? In an ohhhhmlette.

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Firkin

  • Thursday 21st May 2020, 7:03pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 863 posts

FX________ANTIQU ROAD SHOW INTRO.

PRESENTER (RELAXED): You join us on a lazy Sunday afternoon in the beautiful cathedral city of, Salisbury. Sitting below the tallest spire in Britain, this week I'm joined by a veiled military lady know as G.I. Jane. Who's from Bow, East London.

JOHN: (IRATE COCKNEY): Its Jihad John init, you infidel! Now value my item you hag. That's got to be worth an arse.

PRESENTER: You mean a pony, 25 quid ?

JOHN: No forget cockney slang ! I mean ass or maybe two goats. What's it worth?

PRESENTER: Well I'm not really a taxidermist but this looks Russian, early Victorian, it appears to be a new born baby bear.

JOHN: That's my son's toy. This is what I need you to value you trollop.

PRESENTER:[BLOWS DUST OFF ] Now this really is a very ancient set of Political Policies you've given me, these were written BC, before Corbyn. The ornate inscription states that it is illegal for a Jihad to relax. Interesting. Jihads must remain, Iran at all times.

JOHN: Irate you plonker! Irate at all times!

PRESENTER: Goodness me you really do need to chill. Hating everyone must take it out of you, have you considered just hating Donald Trump and working your way up? Have you tried Pilates? Or possibly a referendum might calm you down, it worked in Scotland.

JOHN: Are you having a giraffe, these are very old, value them !

PRESENTER: Well they do look like antiques, dating from the dark ages. But if you look closely you can see they are just recent reproductions.

JOHN: Lies, damned lies you toilet! Why ?

PRESENTER: The originals were written on the dead sea scrolls, but these are on an iPad. So I'm afraid they are worthless.

JOHN: (HIS HIGH PITCHED IRATE VOICE MORPHS INTO THAT OF A DALEK) Incorrect, can't compute, can't compute. Must exterminate all humans, we are superior, must execute all humans!

PRESENTER: I'll give you fifty quid for the iPad.

JOHN: [CALMLY] Oh OK. Cheers mate that's very kind of you. What about this clockwork rucksack, that's got to be old, do you think this is worth something?

PRESENTER: It's ticking ! Oh my God, no offence. Oh my Allah, Oh gosh...

FX: EXPLOSION.
GRAMS: DR WHO THEME MUSIC.

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playfull

  • Monday 25th May 2020, 11:53pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,704 posts

Cummings and goings

Earlier today No 10 special adviser Dominic Cummings held an impromptu outdoor press conference in front of 200 journalists who, conforming to lockdown guidelines had apparently all independently chosen to exercise outside Cummings' London house at the same time.
Before he arrived a rumour spread through the crowd that Cummings was returning from another failed days shooting on 10 years younger. Sources on the programme have since confirmed that many of the treatments were none starters, you can't improve blood flow to the cheeks if there is no pulse and you can't check out a new outfit if the mirrors stop working, digressed Sharon, one of the shows producers, just before asking us to keep her name secret. Cummings has apparently stormed off the show on more than one occasion after finding out the crew had nicknamed him Colin Robinson (What We do in the shadows).

When asked if he intended to resign Cummings insisted, look,I'm only doing a little q & A to point out, I am not the story, there is a bigger picture here. To which the journalists replied as one. Yes, you are the story, the story is about you travelling over 280 miles during lockdown. It is your story, it's about you. He was then asked if he had the confidence of the PM? To which he replied, of course I have the absolute support of my PM and my PM knows he has my absolute confidence.....and discretion....for now. The Mirror journalist then asked, why he had referred to him as my PM, not the PM or our PM. Cummings visibly stiffened and stared icily at the journalist. Before slowly replying, yes. The journalist continued with his line asking Cummings if he could expand on that? No he deliberately replied. "I hate Mirrors" he added quietly.
Just as an excited buzz swept across the assembled journalist, who were all busy checking their phones. Cummings quickly checked his phone and with a scowl announced the press conference was over, Jumping to his feet he ignored the shouted questions asking if he knew the PM was about to fire him? And shouted, whilst he had no intention of resigning it was his wish to spend more time with his family, in the car. He added it had long been his clear intention to see more of the UK. There are places in the north I haven't visited this week he shouted, as he handed out leaflets with his CV on one side and an interesting list headed things you might not know about Boris on the other.
As he stormed off towards the space where his government limo had been parked minutes earlier, the mirror journalist asked. If he remembered once boasting never mind PM if he wanted he could get Boris elected the new Christ! Not quite, said Cummings but I am off to crucify the bastard! he shouted before changing into a bat and disappearing towards Westminster.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 26th May 2020, 6:22am [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,668 posts

Funtabularse.
Playfull for me. Is Dominic Cummings in the news this week?

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gappy

  • Tuesday 26th May 2020, 9:39am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,017 posts

Quite a tough call, but I think Firkin.

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playfull

  • Tuesday 26th May 2020, 6:12pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,704 posts

Well! I know one thing, i would like to see Michael and Gappy performing their sketches. Really impressive wordplay. Nice Sketch from Firkin, it is always good to see Jihadi John get killed again. And a nicely crafted set of jokes as always from Patrick. So its Gappy -just.

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Firkin

  • Tuesday 26th May 2020, 11:34pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 863 posts

I was looking forward to Tiggy and Otterfoxes submissions, it's nice to have a variety of styles. I liked them all this week, but Patrick gives me belly laughs most weeks so Patrick pips it. Do you guys think my sketch was offensive in any way ?

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playfull

  • Wednesday 27th May 2020, 9:00am
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,704 posts
Quote: Firkin @ 26th May 2020, 11:34 PM

Do you guys think my sketch was offensive in any way ?

No, not at all. One of the things i like about the script comp is it allows you to try new things. I always enjoy myself more when i feel i am trying something different, that surprises me as it arrives on the page. Risking being offensive falls into this category for me. And always remember you can measure your offensiveness against Michael's.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 27th May 2020, 11:06am [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,668 posts

My dad said, 'Michael, you are lazy and vulgar.' I couldn't be bothered to answer the c**t.
If you worry about what audiences might think, there'll always be a reason not to say something. F**k 'em.