Cool beans so c**tgtasulazioned to Firkin and Playfull for whingeing. PM me with the next subject pleased.
Your new topic: Painting, chosen by Gappy.
Meanwhen...
1 - 4 - Firkin
2 - 3 - Gappy, Playfull

DAD'S THE WORD

LIVING ROOM.
KID (nervous) with DAD (calm).

KID Dad there's - there's something I've been meaning to tell you - for a while...I - I...

DAD Don't you fret, Archibald. You're my son. You could be a terrorist, a murderer, a member of One Direction - well... So what is it?

KID It's long and hard and I struggle to pull it off. Thus I have decided to express myself through a pome. (extracts long sheet of papyrus, clears throat) 'Dear Dad, I'm gay'... Well?

DAD Um, not frightfully sure what you're driving at. You - you're passionate for pwriceless poetry and desire to study literature at Oxbridge, whereas I was engwrossed in naturalist sciences at Camford. That's perfectly kosher, old boy, never fear.

KID No I... I've tried to express it through canvarse. Do peruse... (hands Dad a painting)

DAD Oh how awfully jolly, a self-portaiture! It's you with - oh gosh. Is that a fellow's pink prepuce poking your palatines?

KID Indeed Sir. I am fellating - tonsil tickling - protein pumping a member. A member of the same sex. Same as in Greek omos, whence HOMOSEXUAL, not to be confused with Latin HOMO, erroneously inslerpreted ars queer, monoclinous or Nancy Boy.

DAD Um, incertain I'm within the relevant ballpark. You - you find the notion of masticating flesh abwhorent and would wish to wregale à lalala Linda McCartney? Once more, young bean, 'tis of but little consquentiality...

KID Oh for fu... Look, I'm gay all right? I'm bent. I'm pansy. I'm Mary. I'm a butt hugging, booty buffing, backgammoning, bean queen, gym queen, chicken queen, potato rice and curry queen, payaso pansy pillow puncher, finocchio Oklahomo Harry Hooftah pooftah wooftah boner-fide chi-chi-man Nellieboy slaglad. Ogay?

DAD (shrugs)

KID Right I give in. I'm going upstairs to play some Elton John CDs.

DAD Elton John? Get outa here you twink.

KID Now that's more like it.

1: Excuse me, do you mind if I sit next to you?

2: Not at all. Plenty of room on this bench, [CHUCKLES] even if I am getting a little plump in my later years.

1: Aren't we all? Much obliged. You know, I wouldn't normally sit next to the only other person in a gallery this large, but I'd like to sit and contemplate this painting a little.

2: Beautiful isn't it? I come and look at this Vermeer every Sunday morning, without fail, and, do you know, I always find something new.

1: I can imagine. For example, just the way the light is captured on the pearl is astounding.

2: Light on the what?

1: On the pearl. The pearl of the earring.

2: By Jove! There's an earring! I'd never noticed that before.

1: You'd never noticed the earring?

2: I blush to say I hadn't.

1: You'd never noticed the earring in Vermeer's "Girl With A Pearl Earring"?

2: F**k me, there's a girl! Bold as brass. Where did she spring from?

1: She's always been...how can you not have noticed the girl?

2: Well...I suppose I must have been looking at one of the other bits.

1: There are no other bits.

2: I regret I am not as well-versed in fine art as you, I have never studied the discipline.

1: Neither have I.

2: Natural talent, eh? I have to say, without meaning any offence, you have rather bowled me for 6. I'm not sure I can look at this painting again today. You've rather changed it for me.

1: Oh. I am sorry. And I didn't mean to be rude.

2: Not at all, old chap. Never mind, I can go and look at some of my other favourite paintings. They've got them all here, you know. Van Gogh's "Starless Night"; Da Vinci's "Jesus Has Supper On His Own"; Edward Hopper's "No-one At The Diner"; Constable's "A River In Suffolk Not Currently Being Crossed By Any Farmer, Yeoman, Etc"; Magritte's "Picture of A Pipe Offered Without Any Further Qualification"; Manet's "L'Herbe".

1: Err...I, ah, think you might have missed some elements of those ones too.

2: Really? Gosh. Tell you what, old bean, how would you like to be my artistic advisor? I'd pay you handsomely - how about 10 grand a week?

1: Ten thousand pounds per week? Can you afford that?

2: Oh, yes, don't worry about me, I've got loads of money. All the rights, you understand, to my books.

1: You're a writer, then?

2: Not exactly. But I invented a rather successful little thing called Where's Wally?...

Southern France. 1888. Painter and decorators Vincent Van Gogh and Paul Gaugin are chatting in a midnight café.

Van Gogh: Paul mate, how's work?

Gaugin: Not bad thanks. Painted my packed lunch yesterday. Sandwich jambon, packet of crisps, apple of the tree.

Van Gogh: Nice. Listen, I've got an idea for a masterpiece. I need to find some people eating potatoes.

Gaugin: Potatoes?

Van Gogh: Sorry, apples of the ground. You see, I've tried painting people eating veg: carrots, peas, onions. I spent a week painting a bloke eating a parsnip. But I can't get the shading of the veg right. I think I could crack it if I painted people eating potatoes. Do you know any?

Gaugin: What kind of people, what kind of potatoes?

Van Gogh: I'm thinking five people. Four women, one bloke. Indoors, nighttime.

Gaugin: Got you. Bloke: side on?

Van Gogh: Side on, yeah, standard. What about his hands: I'm really good at painting Boney fingers.

Gaugin: Boney fingers. Yep.

Van Gogh: Best if it's boiled potatoes.

Gaugin: Boiled. Yep. Served on a platter?

Van Gogh: Yep. Platter is good. Lots of shadow in the room. Weathered, small table. And the people eating the potatoes: they need a sense of vibrancy. I'm killing vibrancy at the moment.

Gaugin: Vibrancy. Got you. Can get you all this tomorrow.

Van Gogh: Brill. Ar that's great man, can I get you anything back? Didn't you ask me for something to paint last week?

Gaugin: Vincent man! Women from Tahiti! How many times? It's always women from Tahiti!

END.

OPERATING THEATRE.

NURSE: Oh my goodness Doctor, his nose has just melted over the side of the table !

DR: That's right Nurse this is the disease I discovered, the one told you about. We shall call it Dali's Disease.

JOURNALIST: "Double D discovery shocker". So in laymen's terms, he's having an Art Attack. [CHUCKLES]

DR: [DEFIBRILLATOR IN HER HANDS] Clear.

NURSE: Put those away, he meant Art as in painting. How many pun related deaths must there be before you read the NHS pun guidelines ? And no, it's not bureaucracy gone mad. With that in mind why is there a member of the tabloid press in the operating theatre ?

JOURNALIST: To ensure quality puns. Also Doctor Lana Treck (48) donning a figure hugging size 12 gown that shows off her pert posterior, invited me.

DR: Well that and he's my brother. Also I wanted to document the discovering of the new illness.

NURSE: Oh my God ! His eyes are slipping around the side of his head Doctor !

DR: Just as I feared, he's pabloing. He's in the early stages of Picassoisum. This could get ugly. Are there cube like lumps forming ?

JOURNALIST: You won't believe this, his blooming ear's has just fallen off ! Is that Van Goghisum ?

NURSE: Well if you're diagnosing I'm telling puns. When they take him away I'll say "Van go" ! Dr Treck has built a bunker in her garden, so when things go wrong she has a Handy War hole. Back of the net ! [PUNCHES THE AIR]

DR: Nurse, pull yourself together Woman !

NURSE: I'm a man.

DR: Nurse leave the puns to the Journalist. They study at University for 3 year you know.

JOURNALIST: Too right. I get paid more than you and if you want to set a good impression; Monet talks. [CHUCKLES] My father was called Jack, I'm his son and you're talking Pollocks. Just call me the Pundulator. [CELEBRATES] So what are the early symptoms of Van Goghisum Doc ?

DR: [IRATE] Will everyone stop with the Van Goghisum, it isn't a thing ! I mean how ridiculous, he's got leprosy.

NURSE: Leprosy, that's what it is isn't it ? There is no Dali's Disease is there ?

DR: Ok, Ok there is no Dali's Disease, I admit it. Since childhood I've had a dream, like most children I wanted to discover a new disease. I want to be famous.

JOURNALIST: So you wanted to be a star [BEAT] Treck ? Cough up , I had fifty quid on there being no such thing as Dali's Disease. You forget you tried to trick me into thinking catching malaria cures impotency, just because we only had one mosquito net. Now who's laughing ?

NURSE: People that find impotency funny ?

DR: Ok, you win here's your £50. I really, really hate losing especially to my younger brother.

NURSE: There there Doctor, I understand. It does hurt to lose, La Treck. Now who's the pun master !

[OVER THE TOP CELEBRATION]

--- END ---

SOUND OF PHONE RINGING. AFTER A FEW RINGS IT IS ANSWERED.

TONY: (IRATE) Hello, Tony Hall. Do you know what bloody time it is?

LEWIS: (A LITTLE SUPERIOR) It's Lewis Lord Hall. Lewis from the gallery.

TONY: Lewis? For f**ks sake call me Tony. Its five thirty am man, what can be so important it can't wait...

LEWIS: Well...'Tony'...would I be correct in thinking that despite the lock-down you had a bit of a do at the gallery yesterday evening?

TONY: It's Lord Hall to you, and yes we had a meeting of the board of trustees and a few invited friends of the National. But I don't see what that has to do with you.

LEWIS: And would I also be correct in thinking quite a lot of alcohol was consumed?

TONY: Get to the point, if you have...

LEWIS: And this went on into the early hours.

TONY: Are you ringing me at 5.30am just to state the bleeding obvious...

LEWIS: No Lord Hall. I just wanted to ask a question.

TONY: What question?

LEWIS: Well you know Titian's Venus and Apollo?

TONY: Yes?

LEWIS: I just wondered if you had ever noticed they were both wearing lime green mankinis?

TONY: Oh God no...

LEWIS: Me neither. Surprising really because they were very hard to miss when I came on shift at 4am.

TONY: Lime green mankinis?

LEWIS: And there was a note from my security colleague saying, and I'm reading here, someone he describes as 'Call me Tony" told him to f**k off for the evening. Told him to "stop bothering the guests", and that he should go home and "give his wife a good pat down for me".

TONY: Are any other paintings...

LEWIS: Van Gogh's fifteen sunflowers...

TONY: What about them?

LEWIS: Fifteen cut stems and an interflora box...I understand Lord Hall...

TONY : Call me Tony please?

LEWIS: I Understand my colleague instructed you in the importance of counting people in and counting them out again. Did you count everyone out 'Tony'? You didn't happen to leave anyone in the building with a big bag full of aerosol paints?

TONY: Counting...I think I remember some...Any more?

LEWIS: Well, there's Raphael's Portrait of Pope Julius II...where the pope is holding a selfie stick...and Holbein's 'Ambassadors' where the skull is wearing a sixties Mod style crash helmet and my personal favourite Raphael's crucifixion of Christ....now with a nice speech bubble, with the lyrics to 'always look on the bright side of life' in it...

TONY: No more please...I'm finished in the art world, I'll be a laughing stock...Could you ring the head of restoration and see if she can get her team in as soon as possible...I wonder which bastard did this? I bet It was that working class type in the parka.

LEWIS: Oh, we know who did it...

TONY: Please god let some of them, be repairable... Did you say you know who did it?

LEWIS: And there's no need to get the restorers in. The paint was still wet you see, so Janice the cleaner got straight to work with her box of tricks.

TONY: Noooooo!

LEWIS: Its amazing what that woman can do with a bit of Cilit bang, some vanish and a bottle of cif.

TONY: You have to stop her!

LEWIS: Too Late I'm afraid...she'd finished before I realised she had started.

TONY: How bad is it?

LEWIS: Let's just say you don't have to worry about the helmet on the skull...or the skull.

TONY: This will break the National Gallery. It will cost millions to repair them. It will bankrupt us. Oh god...How do you know what bloody joker did this?

LEWIS: Janice said she recognised the style of graffiti, she says she is always cleaning his stuff off. In fact she cleaned a big one off the doors round the back today on her way in. Some joker called 'Banksy'

Harder than Father Jenkins watching Teletubbies. Gappy.

Very close, very, very close. Michael's doing a 'Schofield' - PC free as always, - just about nicks it. But honestly struggled to choose!

It was close this week. So it's between Michael's effective mix of latin and smut and Gappy's excellent ending. Gappy just pips it.

I agree, this is phenomenally close. I think I'll go for Patrick, just because of the art historical sense. "I'm killing vibrancy at the moment" struck me as very nicely turned.

Very close between Michael and Gappy for my favourite. "F£;@ Me, there's a girl in it" was great: Gappy for my vote. Looking forward to the next one.

I think I'm a Gappy plumper this week.