Quote: Billy Bunter @ 11th May 2020, 10:34 AMreluctant even to start
You can tell Billy went to a good school. 
Coronavirus Page 53
To help President Johnson get people back to work, please crowdfund my early morning call service.
I have only the 3am to 4am slot left for non-vulnerable customers.
My daily fees will be:
£800 - Standard tariff - the normal wakey wakey telephone call
£600 - Standard Plus - As above but with Wake Up Boo by the Boo Radleys
£500 - Deluxe - I use a hammer to bash loudly on a dustbin down the line for 15 minutes
£300 - Deluxe Plus - As above but I also shout and scream with a lot of taunts and swearing
Special two week trial offer (recommended):
£5 - Gold including Alertness Nudging - I come in an army tank round to your street, say wakey wakey, play Wake Up Boo by the Boo Radleys, use a hammer to bash loudly on a dustbin for 15 minutes, and shout and scream with a lot of taunts and swearing. Then once you are up and have made your bed I stick a 30ft pole through your window which I use several times to mess up all the blankets and tell you to do it again : this sets you up to be fully alert through your working day.
Sorry - At present this scheme is only available to people living in England.
Quote: Rood Eye @ 11th May 2020, 10:38 AMYou can tell Billy went to a good school.
That's Henry Samuel Quelch for you. Beast!
I miss the lockdown, especially the early days when everywhere was like the opening scenes of 28 Days Later. Fortunately our governments exit strategy seems so ham-fisted and confusing it looks like we'll be having another lockdown to enjoy in a few months time.
Quote: Billy Bunter @ 9th May 2020, 10:16 AMhttps://www.crowdjustice.com/case/lockdownlegalchallenge/
This is basically crowdfunding for eugenics.
It is confusing. Was mop head saying "Stay Alert or I'll nick another £350 million a week from the NHS ?" . When they say we should wear masks, shouldn't he lead by example and provide them for Drs and nurses first ?
It's like a medical version of Brexit.
I have produced a new improved simplified guide for the entire UK.
By necessity, it is being rolled out in stages.
Red Alert - The Ultimate Lockdown - R number more than 3 - Nail Down Your Granny
People can only:
1. Travel hundreds of miles from anywhere in the country to airports and fly at the drop of a hat to anywhere in the world for important folk's Davos level meetings and virology conferences, obnoxiously super-fit he-man and she-woman aryan style surfing with sharks at Bondai Beach and "crisis? what crisis?" stag and hen dos in Ibiza and Ayia Napa involving only drinking, shagging and bellowing out incoherently in crowds of 2000 or more people.
2. Take part in important school strike action against climate change while sailing in a pink boat across Trafalgar Square, join picket lines to commemorate the key 43rd anniversary of the Grunwick Dispute and crowdfund for the ongoing care and political resurrection of 82 year old Arthur Scargill.
3. Fly to America specifically for the purpose of taking part in Elon Musk's essential trips to Mars by space rocket and assist in the British angle of the international war effort to install 5G masts on every street corner across the globe.
4. Contribute to essential programmes on television as defined by the formal list as follows - The Doctor and The Dying Person, Sheer Agony in the Trauma Centre, What They Really Do When They Slice Up Your DNA, 24 Hours in a Morgue, Dating Terminally Ill Nudes, Antiques From Armageddon and Oh What A Pretty Little Cup Cake : Let's Have a Waltz.
5. Join the army on Salisbury Plain to ascertain hot spots of live bats which appear to be carrying any coronavirus such as the common cold as long as there is a clear strategy on how to shoot and bury them. Deliver leaflets in favour of rejoining the EU, banning elections and allowing the Queen to have a new corgi so that she isn't lonely while she is still trying to understand how to use Facebook and Zoom.
Amber Alert - The "Stay Inscrutable" Lockdown - R number 0.9 - The Essential Essentials
People can only:
1. Leave their house if they are able to prove to two medical professionals and a policeman that they are free from confusion. Anyone showing unnecessary confusion about the entire absence of guidelines regarding anything on the R scale between R 1 and R 3 may be extremely unwell. Consequently, they will need to self-isolate throughout ongoing waves for a minimum of 3 years.
2. Return to work, whatever it is they do, by legal requirement as the benefits system is in staged phases demolished to improve coordinated health. Anyone without a car will be required to travel to their places of employment on the roofs of buses and trains. Face masks and a two metre separation between rooftop travellers will be mandatory. Should anyone fail to comply, they will be told to jump down to the pavement or rail, be issued with a fine of £5000 and escorted to their homes in a sealed bubble car towed by the SAS.
3. Attend school if they are in one of the many school years where nothing of any importance ever happens. This will free up time for their parents to sue Premier League football teams via the new Skype People's Court for not refunding season ticket money, reinforce their wedding vows via non semen based tantric marital relations and create a brighter, lighter living area for their families by using their bare fists to punch holes through a few walls. School attendance for the above mentioned years will be mandatory so that students can learn about the latest fashions, how to manage getting beaten into a pulp and the skills in covering up for being a thicky. Those who have already taken exams should simply stay alert at home by looking for their results on the official National Lottery website.
4. Walk, run or cycle wherever they like, including pushing people out of their way, so long as they are training for the Olympics or aiming to run more than three marathons; or drive vehicles wherever like so long as they do not lower their speeds to less than 90mph which could lead them to being less than 2 metres from any other vehicle. Other people should continue to observe the new rule of the under 35s only leaving home once a fortnight for a five minute stroll while elderly people aged 36 or over should not risk this challenging timetable of activity without expecting to be imprisoned with other law breakers. Once jailbirded, many other miscreant will inflict on you highly sociable conversations and even worse things so that's a warning!
5. Visit drug dealers and prostitutes but only between the hours of 2am and 5am and via one of the Government's authorised air balloons, rickshaws, hovercrafts or coracles. This alternative transport network for those who describe themselves as "an owl and not a lark" has been especially set up jointly by the Equalities Society, Ann Winters, the Soviet People's Health and Safety Coronavirus Cell and the Royal Association of County Lines.
Having survived the first wave of infections, I'm sitting here waiting for the (almost certainly inevitable) second wave.
If I survive that, I'll be sitting here waiting for the third.
Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
Perhaps our collective spirits might be raised if all BCG members were to join me in a rousing chorus of "Men of Harlech"? 
A great many people have long suspected that Boris and his government are far more concerned about the bank accounts of the nation's wealthy than they are about the health of the ordinary citizen.
His recent decision to send workers back into the front line against the deadly virus has done little to allay suspicions that such is the case.
Indeed, his change of slogan from "Stay home" to "Stay alert" is seen in some circles as a coded message to his wealthy friends that his heart and mind really are with the rich rather than with the poor.
The truly alert among us may already have noticed that "Stay alert" is an anagram of "Try a Tesla".
Quote: Rood Eye @ 11th May 2020, 5:46 PMThe truly alert among us may already have noticed that "Stay alert" is an anagram of "Try a Tesla".
Speaking of Tesla, Elon Musk is frustrated by his county's reaction to the lockdown and has pledged to move the company's headquarters to Nevada or Texas. He should have bailed out of California years ago.
Quote: DaButt @ 11th May 2020, 6:44 PMSpeaking of Tesla, Elon Musk is frustrated by his county's reaction to the lockdown and has pledged to move the company's headquarters to Nevada or Texas. He should have bailed out of California years ago.
There's nothing quite like the whine of billionaire losing money.
Quote: Lazzard @ 11th May 2020, 8:30 PMThere's nothing quite like the whine of billionaire losing money.
It's almost as pathetic as politicians whining about unemployment after they chase away major employers. The only entities which will suffer will be Californians and California, Musk will be fine.
Quote: DaButt @ 11th May 2020, 6:44 PMSpeaking of Tesla, Elon Musk is frustrated by his county's reaction to the lockdown and has pledged to move the company's headquarters to Nevada or Texas. He should have bailed out of California years ago.
Speaking of anagrams of Stay Alert - it also makes Sly Rat Ate - obviously further proof of the illuminati conspiracy to enable people to go out and work in order to survive, rather than just staying at home forever and living on magical handouts.
Nice to see Donald Trump throwing another hissy fit at a press conference and flouncing out. What a truly great leader he is.
Quote: Lazzard @ 11th May 2020, 8:30 PMThere's nothing quite like the whine of billionaire losing money.
To be fair, he's probably got to make the billions back he wiped off his own stocks with a series of dopey tweets earlier in the month.