D is for Devolved Powers.
Trust in politicians is at an all time low. The forthcoming election is the last chance to save Parliament from irreversible destruction and even extinction by 2025. Its ice caps of austerity have already melted. If I am elected as your new Government by a clear majority I shall get renewed trust done quickly on the basis of my excellent deal with myself so that I have the time to consider all other matters. However, in the impossible case that I should fail in this task or have been found to have lied, I shall not only ban me from ever standing again in an election but close down Parliament forever.
Following a quick COBRA committee meeting, I shall in that totally inconceivable event set up a fantasy football style app which is accessible by App store and Google Play so that each week it asks the public a series of policy questions. The questions in each week shall be simple, whether concerning health or education or the environment. It shall be a binary choice. Leave, meaning. yes do change the policy on such a such so that it goes in a different direction or remain, meaning, no keep with the status quo. Experts shall then put the will of the people immediately into action in the absence of any politicians as politicians shall obviously no longer exist. It's, rather as one might in other circumstances wish to cut out the middle man or woman or personage. The Civil Service shall also be cut to 15 people in a call centre in Telford.
But the diminishing of trust is not just a Westminster problem. I think we shall all agree, shall we not, that it is there when it comes to the EU, the devolved administrations, the mayoral offices (mayoral is incidentally pronounced "mairal" and not as most now in their peculiarity say "may-oral"), and the local councils. Consequently, my Government shall scrap every one of them and for all time by legislation that is indestructible by being made from Teflon material . This is not to say that I don't accept there is a role for sending powers upwards or especially downwards. I simply note that the existing structures and the people in them are not fit for purpose. And given all of the up/down and meet with/divorce directions that now divide the public and confuses them, only a deep eco-reconstruction shall improve their mental health.
Let's take the upwards momentum first. Once my bulldozers have successfully destroyed all of the buildings in Brussels, I shall immediately announce a replacement of the EU by an Economic Community of the Universe (ECU). Rather than being something that wants to be a political superstate it shall reflect the aims of what was the EEC and be entirely trade based albeit on a more ambitious scale. Just as the EEC began with just six countries comprising three significant ones - West Germany, France and Italy - and three of utter insignificance - Belgium, Holland and Luxembourg, ECU shall commence with six members - Earth, Moon, Mars and three stars that no one knew even existed. Its modest start shall reflect current limitations in freedom of movement but having a base initially in my new tax paying Amazon and vegan McDonalds sponsored International Space Station it shall be way more appropriate for the progressive and radical 21st Century too.
So much for the longer term.
My Government shall fully recoginse that the people only want to think about next week and what any changes in that timespan shall do to immediately transform their lives. As God once said - or was it Gandhi? - evolution is all very fine but it is devolution which presses the sex button. Few doubt in 2019 that often it is the people who are best placed to decide what is best for the people rather than a bunch of twonkers in the regional Assemblies and local Town Halls who only feather nests for themselves and not ornithologically. So following the removal of them all, I shall in my first 100 days devolve powers to the street level across the entire country. Each street shall be allocated a prudent pot of money.
It shall be up to individual streets of people whether to build new houses, hospitals, schools and prisons on their streets or rather spend their money on a military barracks with nuclear capability or set aside an area of factories and fields so as to take full economic advantage of the increasing popularity of drugs which kill millions across the globe. As I believe in the people, I know that my new street initiative shall improve the moral tone of this country now that all religion is dead. It is my absolute belief that where street people have the power to choose between gold standards services for themselves or paranoid defences involving tanks in every driveway and vast amounts of immoral profits from others' addictions they shall choose the first even if they all shall have to live in a commune eating only grains of rice and without heating.
Look. Listen. Listen. Look. Look. So I went all around the entire country on my private jet to meet the people. Real people. I stood on my basic soapbox in every tiny locality be it Greater Manchester or Cardiff and drowned out everyone else so that I could really be sure I had listened to and looked at what the people really want. This is a forward looking agenda in which the New Seekers' "I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing" fully addresses the concerns raised in The Clash's "London Calling". And for all of those under 50 who are not familiar with these splendid works written by Cole Porter and Jerome Kern and can't buy a house I commit today to adding a chillwave sunny upland backbeat without cost to everything.
To the aforementioned bulldozers. To the International Space Station. To when you make a cup of Marmite drink following my banning of beef based Bovril. Is there any truth in the rumour that I shall destroy the Royal Family? No - I am committed to the Queen but given her impressive presentation and what shall inevitably be some disappointment for the Scottish people by my removal of Holyrood I say this. I shall consider if necessary crowning Queen Nicola and replacing the Windsors with the Sturgeons. That's with all of the lack of power counterbalanced by prestige and admiration that comes with that role. "Nothing on the Beefeaters at the Tower of London?" I hear you say. You're wrong. Given their contribution to climate change, I shall replace them with Michael Gove, Tom Brake, Barry Gardiner and a non fossil fuel.