- Tuesday 26th November 2019, 5:44pm [Edited]
- United Kingdom
- 6,943 posts
A is for Agriculture and Animals.
I shall if elected ban the import of any fruits and vegetables which can be grown in the UK. This in truth is all of them with the use of hydroponics for exotics like tomatoes as witnessed at Planet Thanet which is the size of several football pitches and in remote parts of the underground network below Greater London. I shall give a generous grant to anyone who wants to build their own Planet Thanet in a county which doesn't have one so that there is a Planet Thanet in every county whether it is Planet Thanet Lemons in Lancashire or Planet Thanet Kiwi Fruits in Kircudbrightshire. And I shall give an even more generous grant to anyone who sets aside vast numbers of fields for domestic fruits and vegetables. The grants shall be paid for by a giant windfall tax on anyone who by the end of 2020 has a concreted front garden rather than a proper one. Furthermore, I shall reduce income tax by one penny in the pound for anyone who by that time has in their front garden a salad patch, two goats which they regularly milk and one sheep and three rabbits for purely decorative purposes.
On animal rights, I shall not only ban the export of live animals but make cruelty to animals punishable by the removal of half a person's wealth. In some cases this shall involve the halving of their property so that the half which they lose is occupied by homeless gypsy people. I shall ease loneliness and discomfort for elderly and handicapped people by giving them a free pet which following psychological profiling is based on the sort of pet they can manage. In most cases it shall be a dog, a cat or a hamster but where the profiling indicates they would thrive with a challenge it might be a puma or something along those lines. In parallel with a rapid removal of flammable cladding on tower blocks, I shall employ architects to redesign balconies so that they are on four levels - the sunbed level, the raised flower bed level, the comfy home for your hedgehog or tortoise level and the level which enables you to decide how to contribute to urban rewilding.
To free up valuable court time so that courts can address the more serious offences, I shall allow an animals court based on the principle of moderate Sharia Law. This shall enable families and small communities to settle their differences privately on the basis of which dog barks first or which cat makes its first miaow. And then, of course, there is the dear Old Kent Road and how from an almost cockney perspective that has declined. My lovely uncle, my late godfather, had very fond memories of when it was frequented more often by drovers of cattle than lorries. In a boost for British farmers, I shall restore this thoroughfare by banning all vehicles other than horses and carts. However, in recognition of climate change and the need to bring the country together, I shall award rent free accommodation to anyone in a building on that road who wishes to open a vegetarian or vegan outlet. If successful there, my cool Sarf London initiative entitled "Have fun dancin' 'tween the shit, then get to where yer hummus and mung beans is it" will be extended across the whole country.