How much would you give in memory of the father of a very good friend if he is someone you met just once in the 1980s?

I seriously haven't got a clue on how to pitch this right.

Maybe this isn't too much help, but I think 2 considerations are- what's the charity and what can you afford? If it's a charity close to your heart, think how much you'd want to give.
Also, any funerals I've been at, the collection is taken at the door and from what I've seen a tenner seems to be the main donation, unless the person has been very well- known to You in which case you might give more.

Go to a supermarket, pick a slap up meal and drop it off at a Foodbank?

It really has to be a quite insignificant amount (if indeed anything at all), bearing in mind that the deceased person is almost a total stranger to you.

The fact that he is the father of a good friend makes absolutely no difference.

If I were in your situation, I wouldn't feel obligated to give anything.

It's not necessarily because I'm a tight bastard: I really don't see the obligation.

At the end of the day, it's a matter of how much or how little you feel comfortable in giving.

Perhaps you could take your mate out for a pint or a meal and let him talk about his dad.

Quote: john tregorran @ 1st November 2019, 6:21 PM

Perhaps you could take your mate out for a pint or a meal and let him talk about his dad.

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I like that idea!

It's actually something I might do myself under the circumstances.

PS. I said "might"!

I assumed it was a he,I shouldn't have done that

As the father of a good friend they might be hurt if they notice you don't make a donation so you should give something and the amount is not as important as the gesture to your friend. I would think £10 - £20 would be ok. They might not be taking donations on the day of the funeral service and instead leave it up to people to make the donation in their own time.

I've never been in such a situation but having given it a little more thought, I'd say you should only consider sending flowers to the funeral of someone to whom you are in the habit of sending Christmas cards or, if they're not Christian, someone to whom you are at least similarly close.

Anyone who isn't on such a list occupies no logical place on the list of people you'd want to send flowers to if they died.

If it's a very good friend, I'd give him moral support and a big hug. But then I'm tight.

I don't send Christmas cards to anyone. This thread isn't about sending flowers or how it compares to sending Christmas cards but don't let that stop you.

What you do at someone's funeral such as bring flowers or making a charitable donation if that's the request isn't just about paying your respects to the deceased but it's also about doing something to help ease the grief of their family.

Your friend isn't going to be concerned with how much you donate to charity Horseradish but will appreciate you being there for them and offering comfort.

Quote: Definitely Tarby @ 1st November 2019, 8:24 PM

I don't send Christmas cards to anyone.

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I always send Christmas cards but I've never once in my life sent flowers to a funeral or made any charitable donations in lieu.

The key is in the wording "charitable donation in lieu of flowers. The deceased (or his family) has decided that, instead of wasting money on flowers that will soon wither and die, they would rather the money goes to a charity close to the deceased's heart. Therefore the idea is that the amount that you would have spent on flowers is instead donated to the charity in question. So that would probably be around £20-£25. If, not being close to the deceased, you would not have sent flowers, then there is no need to send a donation in lieu. Although, if you are going to the funeral, you may wish to donate a token amount of a tenner or so.

The arrangement is usually that the donations are sent to the undertaker, who collects them all together and forwards them to the charity. The undertaker would normally send a list of those who have donated to the deceased's family so that they can acknowledge them.

Funerals I've been to, the undertaker can't do that because it's a collection on the way out.

Thank you very much for these. I am not going to the funeral. I am speaking to him on the telephone about once a week although don't want to get in the way. They are not having flowers. His mother is religious (Christian). The rest were/are not. I will give a modest donation and the next time I see him I will buy something for him and have a chat etc. Not sure when that will be though. Generally I see him about once every three weeks but not currently. One of my university friends from the early 1980s - the one who in most recent years has stayed in touch although many did for several decades.