Hello BCG fellow creatives!

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Dylan Kershaw

  • Monday 9th September 2019, 3:01pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 5 posts

Hi, my name is Dylan J. Kershaw and I'm a comedian from the south of England. I'm very much at the start of my career, I'm only 22. I got into comedy via my background in film production and I always loved writing sketches when I was in school. I've just taken the plunge to go into comedy full time. I'm currently in the process of creating more sketches, starting a podcast and doing a bit of stand up!

I've actually just released my first sketch and I'd very much appreciate it if you guys could give me some feedback on it! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VOzsPtT5y_k

This looks like an awesome community and I'm very excited to be part of it!

:)

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Lazzard

  • Monday 9th September 2019, 3:07pm
  • Ludlow, England
  • 4,523 posts

Nicely put together.
But could have done with a punchline - or at least a better get out.
And it drifted a bit - needs going over with the scissors IMHO.
Not a bad start though.

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chipolata

  • Monday 9th September 2019, 3:34pm
  • England
  • 29,826 posts
Quote: Dylan Kershaw @ 9th September 2019, 3:01 PM

This looks like an awesome community

:)

Can I borrow your glasses? I'm not sure we do look an awesome community! But welcome aboard and good luck with your ambitions.

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Lazzard

  • Monday 9th September 2019, 3:35pm
  • Ludlow, England
  • 4,523 posts

I think it must have auto-corrected from 'awful'.

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chipolata

  • Monday 9th September 2019, 3:38pm
  • England
  • 29,826 posts
Quote: Lazzard @ 9th September 2019, 3:35 PM

I think it must have auto-corrected from 'awful'.

:D

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Dylan Kershaw

  • Monday 9th September 2019, 3:45pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 5 posts
Quote: Lazzard @ 9th September 2019, 3:07 PM

Nicely put together.
But could have done with a punchline - or at least a better get out.
And it drifted a bit - needs going over with the scissors IMHO.
Not a bad start though.

Thank you, I really appreciate your feedback! I had actually written a better get out where Moneypenny was under the table the whole time [doing something to Bond] but unfortunately we had already filmed at that point. I was made aware that it would've drastically changed the age rating of the sketch too but I would like to slowly go into a more mature demographic.

Quote: chipolata @ 9th September 2019, 3:34 PM

Can I borrow your glasses? I'm not sure we do look an awesome community! But welcome aboard and good luck with your ambitions.

Thank you! It would of course be the "American Comedy Guide" if it wasn't for the British skepticism, I feel right at home ;)

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Rood Eye

  • Monday 9th September 2019, 3:46pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 3,218 posts

When M tells Bond he's got to stop sleeping with women "on the job", I was expecting that euphemistic expression to lead to some sort of punchline or at least an interim joke - but it didn't and was therefore distracting.

You don't need Q in this sketch: he serves no purpose and is, therefore, another source of distraction.

Moneypenny under the table would indeed have been a good ending. Laughing out loud

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Dylan Kershaw

  • Monday 9th September 2019, 3:57pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 5 posts
Quote: Rood Eye @ 9th September 2019, 3:46 PM

When M tells Bond he's got to stop sleeping with women "on the job", I was expecting that euphemistic expression to lead to some sort of punchline or at least an interim joke - but it didn't and was therefore distracting.

You don't need Q in this sketch: he serves no purpose and is, therefore, another source of distraction.

Moneypenny under the table would indeed have been a good ending. Laughing out loud

Thanks, I agree , Q was definitely an after thought in this sketch but as it was my first sketch, I wanted to be involved in some way that wasn't just directing as I wanted to get my face out there. I think Q's appearence would've been more excusable if Moneypenny also appeared in the sketch. It would of then been a parody of the main Bond characters.

I'm really appreciating all this in-depth feedback from fellow comedy connoisseurs! Friends tread way too lightly when it comes to giving us feedback on our comedy. Hug

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Rood Eye

  • Monday 9th September 2019, 4:02pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 3,218 posts

How about M tells Bond there's a problem with his excessive sexual activities during working hours? M calls Moneypenny in from the outer office and she arrives carrying a sheaf of papers, each paper is a different complaint about Bond's sexual activity. M takes the papers and camera moves in on M as he reads several of the complaints. M looks up as camera pulls back to show Bond looking very distracted indeed. M asks angrily what is going on. Moneypenny emerges from under the table.

That's quite funny.

Even funnier if Moneypenny takes one of the complaint papers and wipes her mouth with it. Laughing out loud

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Dylan Kershaw

  • Monday 9th September 2019, 4:14pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 5 posts
Quote: Rood Eye @ 9th September 2019, 4:02 PM

How about M tells Bond there's a problem with his excessive sexual activities during working hours? M calls Moneypenny in from the outer office and she arrives carrying a sheaf of papers, each paper is a different complaint about Bond's sexual activity. M takes the papers and camera moves in on M as he reads several of the complaints. M looks up as camera pulls back to show Bond looking very distracted indeed. M asks angrily what is going on. Moneypenny emerges from under the table.

That's quite funny.

Even funnier if Moneypenny takes one of the complaint papers and wipes her mouth with it. Laughing out loud

Love it. Congratulations, you've made more envious of the fact I can't go back and re-do it! Teary

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BTF

  • Tuesday 10th September 2019, 7:07pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 412 posts

I agree with the feedback. I think it maybe needs a punchier ending (maybe M says something like - is it any wonder they're thinking of a female James Bond - or some set up where a woman comes in as the new James Bond and 007 thinks she is a secretary or the endings suggested above) and I was sort of expecting something to happen with 'on the job'. The choked with bra bit - I felt more could be done with it to make it funny if it was going to be in the sketch. Maybe something like how dare you say I choked her with her bra. That is so wrong....it was her thong etc..Just a personal thing but it is a slightly (only slightly as I see why you put it in) disturbing image for me so it is good to see it made the most of from a comedy perspective if you don't mind me saying:D. You could maybe follow up the bra choke bit with something from M implying - 'if you were doing it in your spare time it would be ok etc'..or 'it's not as if you were doing it in your own time..' This could maybe draw out the 'on the job' thing possibly. Or M could say - 'I would accuse you of theft of time, the amount of sex you are having on the job, but the women say you're so quick to finish it's not worth it.. '
I don't necessarily think saying F off Q adds humour. A look of complete disdain may be more effective? Though I do like swearing.
Well done for having a good go and being brave enough to ask for feedback. I wish you luck with trying this as a career. Have you tried Newsjack and Newsrevue? The odds of getting a sketch on Newsjack are very poor but it is good practice and you can get feedback on any work in the Reject forum.

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Dylan Kershaw

  • Tuesday 10th September 2019, 8:55pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 5 posts

Hi there BTF! Thanks for your feedback and kind words. I haven't tried these yet actually, I've been very "indie" and I've kind of only done my own things but I'm excited to start trying to get into the industry properly. I will definitely look into Newsjack though, thank you! :D

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BTF

  • Tuesday 10th September 2019, 9:07pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 412 posts

Newsjack is on this Thursday 1030 I think. Deadlines are Monday and Tuesday. It is on for 6 weeks. It is not everyone's cup of tea but is an excuse to write sketches and gags to deadlines and to experience constant rejection (in my case).

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TheAnimusWorkshop

  • Monday 2nd December 2019, 11:34am
  • Southampton, United Kingdom
  • 1 posts

I really enjoyed the sketch! I agree with others that it could have had a punchier ending, but it was good and if part of an actual sketch show could have life as a series of sketches where each of his exploits get worse and worse without him seeing any issue with them.

But nevertheless I enjoyed it :)