British Comedy Guide

Newsjack Reject - No Subsitutions

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DeathbyMonkey

  • Sunday 3rd March 2019, 7:21pm
  • England
  • 708 posts

KIRI: Chelsea goalkeeper Kepa Arrizabalaga refused to be substituted during the Carabao Cup final, which left manager Maurizio Sarri seething on the touchline. It appears Maurizio has lost the dressing room, and while some believe that's grounds for a sacking others think it will probably just turn up in the last place he looks. But can the Chelsea keeper's dissent be an inspiration to others?
ATMOS: FOOTBALL STADIUM
FX: CROWD CHEERING
COMMENTATOR: With not long to go can the blues survive this constant onslaught? Oh no! Theresa May has just scored another embarrassing own goal.
FX: CROWD BOOING
JACOB: Theresa, you really must come off now, you can't stay on after this.
THERESA: No, no, Jacob, I'm doing fine, I'm going to stick with my game plan.
JACOB: Your game plan only appears to consist of you running down the clock until we crash out with nothing.
THERESA: Yes... [PAUSE] It's not my fault the EU keeps moving the goalposts, back after I try to widen them. Besides I'm still doing better than Chris Grayling, he's just giving the opposition open goals.
FX: BALL KICK
FX: CROWD FRUSTRATED
THERESA: Which Labour keeps missing.
JACOB: Theresa... refusing to leave when we try to substitute you just isn't cricket.
THERESA: Jacob, you're playing the wrong game...
JACOB: Let me at them, I have my pig's bladder, my willow bat and I'm ready to hit the opposition for Sixtus. It's what my son wants for his birthday.
FX: WHISTLE BLOWING
COMMENTATOR: That whistle indicates we're going into extra time, with the Brexit talks. The blues are in all sorts of trouble but the opposition are nowhere to be seen. No wait, Corbyn is running down the left wing.
CORBYN: Theresa you've lost... our car manufacturing jobs, your own side wants you out and what is Boris Johnson playing at?
THERESA: It looks like... wiff waff. Well at least half my team haven't walked off in protest.
CORBYN: It's a disappointing shame but they all had to be given red cards, and when they tore up those Labour membership cards we had no choice but to kick them out.
THERESA: I'm not leaving now we're just about to face penalties from Germany, France, Spain, Ireland...
CORBYN: See everyone wants you gone, take the hint Prime Minister!
THERESA: Fine! In which case I'm taking this ball and going home.
CORBYN: You can't do that...
THERESA: It's the will of the people!

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Yacob Wingnut

  • Tuesday 5th March 2019, 12:07pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 705 posts

It's OK, though it almost seems to be a satire of satire. Having a football game with a lot of Brexit references somehow seems obvious (even though I haven't seen it before). Possibly this sketch wasn't topical enough for Newsjack, simply because Brexit is such an overdone topic that unless you write about some very specific new aspect of it, sketches on it appear too general.

Personally, I would trim it a little. E.g. I think you should've cut this bit:

JACOB: Theresa... refusing to leave when we try to substitute you just isn't cricket.
THERESA: Jacob, you're playing the wrong game...
JACOB: Let me at them, I have my pig's bladder, my willow bat and I'm ready to hit the opposition for Sixtus. It's what my son wants for his birthday.

Generally though, I think it's fine.

Keep in mind, I suuuuuck at Newsjack :).

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Patrick Robinson

  • Wednesday 6th March 2019, 1:42am
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 126 posts

I enjoyed this. Nice idea with good lines and gags. Teresa May stubbornly staying on the pitch really works. Hit this for sixtus" was my favourite line.