- Monday 25th February 2019, 12:58pm
- 717 posts
KIRI: Researchers are working with NASA to see if "comedians" help team cohesion on long space missions. I've always said we should stick Jim Davidson in a rocket and blast him into space, but for slightly different reasons... But will having a clown on manned missions to Mars cause more harm than good?
FX: SPACESHIP HIT BY ASTEROID
CAPTAIN JANE: We're losing oxygen! Quick get the science officer!
SALLY: Do we have to? He's always making terrible jokes; he's such a bozo! Plus I think he's got a drinking problem, his nose really red and swollen.
CAPTAIN JANE: Now!
FX: SPACE DOOR OPENING; SQUEAKY FOOTSTEP NOISES
BOZO THE CLOWN: Hello children, who's birthday party is it today?
FX: CLOWN HORN
CAPTAIN JANE: We've suffered an impact that's caused a puncture. We need to urgently seal the hole. Can you make me something?
BOZO: Of course!
FX: BLOWING UP BALLOON AND MAKING BALLOON ANIMAL
CAPTAIN JANE: That's a puppy...
BOZO: Now what balloon animal would you like little girl?
SALLY: This is serious! We're going to die!
BOZO: Sometimes you just have to sit back and smell the roses.
CAPTAIN JANE: What?!
SALLY: Captain, I think he wants you to sniff the flower on his lapel.
FX: SQUIRTING WATER
CAPTAIN JANE: Aaarrgh! Did you just spray water in my face? We need to conserve our resources!
BOZO: Bozo the Clown appreciates that, so that's why I used my urine.
SALLY: Captain if we fire up our thrusters we might be able to cause a pressure change big enough to re-seal the hole.
CAPTAIN JANE: Yes, that might work! Officer Bozo give it a go.
FX: BUTTON PRESSED; CONFETTI FIRING
CAPTAIN JANE: You just launched confetti.
BOZO: Ho-ho Bozo the clown fooled you didn't I?
FX: RED ALERT
CAPTAIN JANE: Oh god, we've just lost our primary air supply. One of us is going to have to do a spacewalk to fix the leak, restart the auxiliary power and reconnect the compressor. That's going to be a lot to juggle...
BOZO: I'm great at juggling, watch.
FX: BALLS FLOATING IN SPACE
SALLY: In zero gravity that's a lot less impressive than you think it is.
CAPTAIN JANE: Okay Officer Bozo, get your spacesuit, put on your oversized space shoes and get out there.
FX: POWERING DOWN
SALLY: Ma'am all the controls have just gone dead, we're going to have to evacuate!
BOZO: Bozo says every clown for himself. Bu-bye
CAPTAIN SALLY: No Officer Bozo, that's our only escape pod!
FX: ESCAPE POD JETTISONING
FX: CLOWN HORN; ESCAPE POD COMICALLY FALLING APART
SALLY: Captain, there must have been a problem with the...it just fell apart...I think Officer Bozo is dead.
CAPTAIN JANE: Such a terrible waste... we could have got sixteen of him in that one escape pod...