British Comedy Guide

If I'd Picked Up A Snooker Cue


George Stanworth

  • Sunday 24th February 2019, 12:26am
  • Hemel Hempstead, England
  • 12 posts

For those who enjoy snooker and comedy poetry, here is a poem I wrote based on Kipling's 'If' poem.


If I'd picked up a snooker cue, when I picked up a pen;
and then gone on to build a break of eight or nine or ten.

If I had only listened more to those who understand;
who told me not to play the game by using just one hand.

If I'd just watched Big Break much more, instead of writing rhyme;
and studied Foulds and Knowles instead of Byron all the time.

If I'd just gone and bought more chalk, and even used a tip,
upon my cue, then thought perhaps to practice just a bit.

If I had researched Virgo's words instead of Wilfred Owen;
and written many papers on 'Where's The cue ball going?'

If I had only listened more to whispering Ted Lowe
instead of sometimes listening to Pam Ayres in full flow.

If I had studied Parrot's wit and Alex Higgins flair.
instead of Larkin, Betjeman, Wordsworth or John Clare.

If only I'd heard Snooker Loopy played a little more,
instead of writing verses that sometimes never rhyme!

If I had just stayed up all night to watch the grinder 'Cliff',
and not penned many rewrites of Kipling's poem 'If!'

If I'd just seen the final frame in Nineteen Eighty Five,
and had a longer tape cassette which didn't then rewind.

If I had an exciting name like Jimmy 'Whirlwind' White,
or 'Scarface' or 'The Rocket', one which had more bite.

If I had done these things I've said, then yes I'm sure, I know it.
I would have been a snooker star, and not an unknown poet!

Thanks for reading.

George Stanworth



  • Sunday 24th February 2019, 11:16am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,113 posts

Nice to see a poem where the scansion works on here, good skills.


George Stanworth

  • Tuesday 26th February 2019, 8:43am
  • Hemel Hempstead, England
  • 12 posts

Hi Gappy,

Thanks for your kind words.

I appreciate it :-)

Best wishes,