TV STUDIO. BINTIE PIPER sits opposite HERR RASCH and his ventriloquist's dummy:
PRESENTER Good leaving ladles and gentle-pans. I'm your hostess Bintie Piper and well, come - I mean, welcome - to 'It's Magic', the show featuring the world's greatest magicians, or Paul Daniels. Last month we strung up Paul by the tits while wild dogs mauled the carcass of the lovely Debbie McGee: they liked it, but not a lot.
PRESENTER My guest tonight is Dick Rasch, who's set tongues a-wagging all over England, Scotland and the Isle of Man - but not his, for he is a ventriloquist. Herr Rasch, welcome.
PRESENTER Here you are with your dummy...
RASCH F**k off!
PRESENTER I meant you, Dick, with your dummy Nob.
PRESENTER So come on, wow us with your ventriloqual skills.
RASCH Oh by all the means, jawohl. (coughs; looks at dummy, moves its head, speaks normally) Ha ha! Gottle of geer! Yes, I say.
PRESENTER Dick I believe your lips moved.
APPLAUSE Yes but his didn't! And they could have, for I am manipulating them with this very useful barbed wire attaching my fist thereto via his anal passage.
PRESENTER The idea is, we don't see YOUR lips move.
RASCH Ah, so I put my hand over my mouth? Would that not muffle the lines? As even Keith Chegwin knows, one projects one's voice so even the tiniest lemming at the rear of the flea-pit may hear.
PRESENTER No - you speak but don't move your lips.
RASCH (laughs) Good Lord lady! And how in the name of Stoke would that be possible? It'd be like walking without use of the limbs, wanking without use of the thumb, castrating a rapist without use of the scythe...
PRESENTER Because 'it's - ladies and gentlemen - magic'!
RASCH (laughs harder) You don't swallow that cock 'n' balls, surely? It's 2013, and you can't tell from my accent but - I'm agnostic.
PRESENTER Can't you try? There are people from Hull in the audience.
RASCH Ah, if you put it like that... 'Mmmm mmmmm mmmmm'.
PRESENTER What was that?
RASCH A fellow agreeing: I see them in trains, they knit their brows and go...
PRESENTER Another please.
RASCH Mmmm mmmm mmmmmmm... A dumb fellow orgasming.
RASCH (hums to the National Anthem)... Oh even you must know that, it's the Isle of Man's National Anthem.
PRESENTER That's it. (leaves)
RASCH Lot of good that was.
DUMMY Well you never let me get a f**king word in do you?