British Comedy Guide

ebh a 22 - 31.1-18


Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 22nd January 2019, 5:40pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,553 posts

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to PATRICK and GAPPY for winkin'. PM me with a subject for next wank please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Patrick
1 - 5 - Gappy

Your next topic is HAUNTING (suggested by GAPPY).
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of testes, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 31.1.19.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 45 - Gappy
2 - 40 - me
3 - 20 - Patrick



  • Thursday 24th January 2019, 7:02pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,112 posts

I only got one vote last week, I think.

Or rather, Patrick got two.


Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 26th January 2019, 12:15pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,553 posts

Consider it dung.

1. Three years, a fortnight and a bit or so ago, Frankie Goes To Hollywood don't release a compilation.
2. 23 years, 4 months, 2 weeks and a few days ago, The Bangles release 'Manic Monday', the first single off their new album. It is their first major hit, and Susannah Hoffs becomes the first woman to remain fully clothed and still earn my man-milk. Well done! Top tracks include the haunting, ethereal 'Following': 'Why do you call me? Why do you look for me? And why do your eyes follow me the way they do?' 'Cos he wants to f**k you, doll. Stupid bleeding question.
3. Can't remember when, but One Direction describe their new album as 'shit hot'. This is only half true.
4. Whenever the f**k it was, Prefab Sprout release 'Cars and Girls', an attack on Bruce Springsteen. The Sprouts have every right to do this, for they will far outstrip Springsteen in commercial and critical acclaim, consistency of live performances, and not having a stupid f**king name in the first place. For f**k's sake Paddy, it's like John Merrick saying Cameron Diaz ain't sexy enough. F**k you, you cosmically arrogant, mind-f**kingly self-obsessed, hopelessly deluded little f**ker. Really. F**k you. No joke coming. Just f**k you.
5. A while ago, Taylor Swift's 'We Are Never Getting Back Together' is hailed as a feminist anthem. Shame cos that line was written by her legs.
6. Years ago now, The Sun (so it must be true) gave each Spice Girl a jovial nickname in honour of her distinguishing features: Mel C (athletic prowess), Mel B (bold and fearless approach), Emma (child-like charm and impudence), Victoria (poise and elegance), Geri (I dyed my hair once).
6 b. Baby Spice is not actually a Baby. To qualify thereas 'baby', one must be aged up to 14 months, hence ineligible for work in many countries. The term is, then, merely a jocular reference to her girlish appearance, though it may also indicate her vocal range.
6 c. Nor is Scary Spice is very scary. In a recent poll, the 'scariest movie scenes' included Shining, Carrie, Saw and Hostel, but not one moment of Spiceworld. I myself can watch said epic, say 'I am not afraid' and place my free hand on my heart.
7. I don't care when, but the BBC ban Eric Clapton's 'Cocaine' because they detect references to drugs. I completely missed those. I must listen harder. Way too subliminal.
8. Cyndi Lauper's 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' is hailed as an anthem for the new woman. Hilarious cos if a guy said it, you'd kick his f**king head in: 'Oh women? They just wanna have fun don't they. They ain't deep or clever or demanding like us guys. There was that woman lipper bolox about females getting opportunities or careers but they wouldn't want one - they're women. Glass o' bubbly, length o' cock, they're satisfied...' My favourite line is, 'Some guys take a beautiful girl and hide her away from the rest of the world.' You're so right Cyndy, the number of times I've done that. Every night my wife comes home from work (not that she should be working in your little world), looks in the fridge and goes, 'Not again. What're you like, eh? I'm gonna call you Mr Stalker and Kidnapper, you silly little arse.'
9. I once tell Tears For fears I am dissatisfied with my attire. They say, Change. You can change.
10. Can't remember when, but Katy Perry declares her support for the Democrat Party. This is a huge boost to the cause, for Ms Perry is highly respected in political circles for her astute awareness, profundity of intellect, and thought-provoking responses to a period of socio-economic crisis. Future patrons include David Beckham for Mensa, Stehen Hawking for synchronised swimming and Adolf Hitler for racial equality.
11. A decade and a bit ago, Velvet Underground member admits to taking newspapers to the toilet. Loo Read.



  • Sunday 27th January 2019, 2:25pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,112 posts

GORDON: Order, everyone, order. Thank you for coming to the Spectral Communication Project Committee. Angus, just before we start, can you remind us all how long the current project's been running?

ANGUS: Since the dawn of human history.

GORDON: Yes. So I feel it's high time for a review. Sally, perhaps you'd remind the committee what our message to the living is.

SALLY: Certainly, Gordon. Our demands are that the rights of ghosts, spirits and all revenant peoples are acknowledged, and that we have representation on all legislative authorities within the temporal realm.

GORDON: Very good. And what is the main method we've used to express this to the breathers?

SALLY: Moving stuff about at night.

GORDON: Right. Well, that seems crystal clear, our communication methods could hardly be more obvious. I move that we just carry on with that for another few millennia, see how it goes. Meeting adjourned.

DILBERT: Now, hang on a minute.

GORDON: Ah, Dilbert, the floor is yours. Oh, yes, and the space just in the corner of my vision, if you'd prefer.

DILBERT: [SOUNDS LIKE SCARGILL, OR SIMILAR] This plan of ours is getting us nowhere. Our aims are too big. What about the politics of the personal? As a representative of The Ghosts Of People Who Died In Threshing Accidents, my members demand -

ANGUS: We've told you before, your severed limbs don't get separate votes!

DILBERT: My members and I demand that our corporeal elements are reunited and buried on hallowed ground. It is through these local initiatives that the best results for spriritkind will come about.

GORDON: And how have you ben communicating this request to the vale of tears?

DILBERT: I shifted an ashtray to the other side of a table.

GORDON: I honestly cannot see how you could have been clearer in your communication. Have you made any progress?

DILBERT: No. Plus I made the Stevensons' bathroom a little bit cold.

ANGUS: What?

SALLY: At least send a consistent message, Dilbert! Don't bombard them with contradictory demands.

DILBERT: Contradictory demands, is it? The time for namby-pamby politeness is over! I intend to go back and....wobble a painting a bit.


GORDON: Did you say...wobble a painting?

DILBERT: Aye. A bit!


GORDON: Those methods are entirely at odds with the ethos of respectful, rational and clear communication at the heart of our endeavour. I regret to inform you, Dilbert, that you are no longer welcome within the Spectral Commission.

DILBERT: Oh. But, is it OK if -

GORDON: And all your limbs are banned too.

DILBERT: Bloody hell!

GORDON: And I think I speak on behalf of all of us when I say, quite categorically, "wooo".

SALLY &: Wooo!

DILBERT: You didn't have to be so blunt about it. I bid you good day: Good day!

GORDON: Sorry about that, everyone. So, I think that wraps things up, I shall record this meeting as closed. Sally, could you pass me that pen?

SALLY: Of course, Gordon...just after I've rolled it a couple of inches to the left.

GORDON: [UNDER BREATH] Sally, not in public!



Patrick Robinson

  • Thursday 31st January 2019, 8:33am
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 141 posts

Sports news studio. Blokes in suits talking about football results coming in, final score style.

Geoff: Well, good afternoon on our super spectre Saturday. Games all over the supernatural world today and excitement abounds. We have Terry: your watching the big derby: Manifestations City v Manifestations Utd?

Terry: A CRAZY last 10 minutes Geoff. Man Utd Ghoulie has lost his physical form and let three in. Surely it's time to sub him.

Geoff: Wow. Manifestations City look to extend their lead at top of the table. Chris, what have you got for us at Shuddersfield?

Chris: Shuddersfield are ahead Geoff. Their team of ghosts is 2-0 up against Wolves. Wolves look all over the place. Shuddersfield have had all the possession, as in they've possessed the Wolves back four and made them amble around the 6 yard box and play everyone onside. Unbelievable Geoff.

Geoff: Thanks Chris........

Chris: Wo, hang on their Geoff. I mean it. Seriously. I find it all unbelievable. I can't accept what I'm seeing as my reality. It's like my mind is refusing to acknowledge a universe in which beings can exist on a temporal plane, in between the physical and non-physical world.

Geoff: But what about the big game Chris?

Chris: What do you mean by "BIG" and "GAME" Geoff. We have to define our concepts before we can explore the meaning of reality. It's all unbelievable at the moment Geoff. I'm starting to doubt my own existence and the path we're on. If everything is unbelievable, how can I anchor my own sense of self to anything? I'd resign now if I could believe in it.



  • Friday 1st February 2019, 10:45am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,112 posts

Michael's was good, but a bit far from the theme (also, I'll take Prefab Sprout over Springsteen any day), and Patrick's cavalcade of cracker jokes was up my street.


Yacob Wingnut

  • Friday 1st February 2019, 12:03pm
  • England
  • 717 posts

Again, just wanted to say that gappy is a good sketch writer. His sketches are vaguely Finnemore-ish. (though this one may need a bit of trimming)



  • Saturday 2nd February 2019, 12:54pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,112 posts
Quote: gappy @ 1st February 2019, 10:45 AM

Michael's was good, but a bit far from the theme (also, I'll take Prefab Sprout over Springsteen any day), and Patrick's cavalcade of cracker jokes was up my street.

Sorry, possibly not actually obvious that my vote is going to Patrick (but with props to Michael for some good lines).

Thanks to Yacob for the very kind words. JF is a definite influence, as he should be for anyone wanting to write audio sketches, but this sketch is an example of good starting point that I couldn't find a way to develop; I think it's funny to ask why, if ghosts are really trying to communicate from beyond, their actions so uncommunicative, and generic, but I don;t think I found the right way in. Anyone else who might want it is welcome to take the concept for their own (none of my group did, so I consider this one consigned to the sketch dustbin).


Patrick Robinson

  • Sunday 3rd February 2019, 10:38am [Edited]
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 141 posts

I didn't know where to go for the topic of "Haunted". Had an idea of a ghost having a performance review with their ghost line manager as if haunting was a job that needed S.M.A.R.T targets. Maybe this could be a setting to run with Gappy's theme of rubbish communication from hauntings? What I wanted to do in my sketch was take the micky of how consistently amazed and energetic football pundits are when the results are coming in (why do they get so excited: surely goals are meant to happen?). Chris Kamara often says "Unbelievable Geoff" and I thought that might develop the sketch in a new direction: a philosophical seminar rather than a fast paced football results show. I didn't feel what I wrote worked though..........Mitchell and Webb have already written a great monologue type sketch on over the top football coverage:


Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 3rd February 2019, 12:45pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,553 posts

Interesting comments.
Nothing wrong with Sprout, but if you publicly say you're one ofg the UK's best sngwriters, and take on Springsteen, you have to do better than 'Hot dog, jumping frog'. I did that at Open Mic last week and go a big laugh with 'What next, Stephen Hawking challenges Mel CF to a backflip contest? TAKE YOU ON, SPOOORRTTTYY...'