DUMP PILOT
A DILAPIDATED HOLE OF A RECYCLE CENTRE SITS UNDER A DARK CLOUD. A CAMPER-VAN SITS OUTSIDE THE EXIT
INT. BRUCE'S OFFICE - EARLY MORNING
Bruce 42 (a man who thinks he is in control) sits at his desk, takes off his shoes and starts cleaning them with shoe polish. Heather 39 (attractive older woman) enters and is hit by a wall of smell
HEATHER
Morni.....WHOW! Did something made
of cheese die in here?
BRUCE
Nice one, I have my shoes off so it
must smell like cheese
HEATHER
Seriously crack a window, my tans
fading
BRUCE
What do you want Heather?
HEATHER
You asked me to come see you before
we open, if this is another one of your rashes you want to show me
BRUCE
I don't have a rash
HEATHER
A mole? Boil? One of those
weird growths on your..
BRUCE
No none of that. I have lost my son
HEATHER
(tut) No you haven't. Just because
you split from your crack head ex wife..
BRUCE
HEY! She's still my wife and she
took it one time, you bought it for her
HEATHER
That mean bitch still owes me money
BRUCE
I have lost my son and you as a
woman will find him
Why?
HEATHER
BRUCE
Because I am the boss and what I
say goes
HEATHER
In one ear and out the other
BRUCE
Sorry we can't all be beacons of
girl power. Yeah check me out with my cosy boobs, long flowing hair and ass that any man would love to use as a chew toy
HEATHER Thank you
BRUCE
Not a compliment. I had my son for
the weekend and I lost him, Janet is coming to collect him, I have no idea where he is, he could be in the woods
HEATHER Don't you mean Miranda?
BRUCE
I know that's what you all call
her, I don't see the resemblance myself
HEATHER
She really does, I wish she was as
nice as Miranda, no offense but your ex wife..
BRUCE
She's still my wife
HEATHER
You're wife is the worst human
being in the world ever, she's up there with Hitler, Bin Laden and Jedward
BRUCE
Jedward? Update your references
HEATHER Piers Morgan?
BRUCE Too obvious
HEATHER
Ill have a think. You expect me to
care about your snot filled mistake
BRUCE
How do you know the condom broke?
Look, I have a plan, you go out there, find him, ill be in here shining my shoes. Miranda told me..JANET told me when she met me she was impressed by how shiny my shoes were, it's what made her fall in love with me
HEATHER
That's the saddest thing I have
ever heard
BRUCE
IS IT? She'll see my shiny shoes,
fall head over heels in love with me all over again, forgetting all about my our lost son
Yeah yeah not crazy
On top of breathing diversity
The dance
HEATHER
that sounds like a plan at all
BRUCE
that I have the council down my neck about diversity
HEATHER
The dance group?
BRUCE
No as in a group of people who are
not as good as able body people, you know disabled or ethnically foreign or a different colour, black, brown, yellow, white like an albino with the weird eyes
HEATHER
Really? weird eyes? I get it, just
stop talking
Heather leaves. Bruce get's a bottle of whiskey and a glass out of his draw
EXT - DUMP FRONT GATE - EARLY MORNING
A seagull sits on the front gate Gary 35 (a small unhinged man) scares it off
GARY
Oh I do like to be beside the dump
side, oh I do like to be beside the....
Jeff 70+ (a weathered, thin man) is sitting on a chair by the front gate, carving a long piece of wood with a small knife, a dog pole is lent up against the wall beside him. Jeff does not join in Gary's sing song, Gary is disapointed. Jeff takes out a small black book from his pocket, it reads "KILL LIST" underneath is WIFE,BRUCE,HEATHER,DALTON and JEFF STELLING. Jeff writes GARY at the top of the list and puts the book back in his pocket. Gary picks up the dog pole from behind Jeff
GARY (CONT'D) You lost a dog?
JEFF
I know exactly where it is buried
GARY
Can I have this?
JEFF
Yeah get rid of the murder weapon
Dalton 36 (a glasses wearing posh spoiled know it all) approaches whistling a happy tune
GARY
Morning fancy pants. Gate's locked. Storm off early today
DALTON
Storm off? You won't lure me in with your idiosyncratic blather. It is all about this today
Dalton holds up a letter
DALTON (CONT'D)
I'm sure your wondering what this is?
Gary shakes his head, Jeff doesn't look up
DALTON (CONT'D)
This is my golden ticket, yellow brick road I am Dorothy you are those weird flying monkey things, and this is my get out of this hell hole free card. Once Bruce signs these release papers. Goodbye community service I am back in the warmth of my parent's budget before you learn how to spell Q.I
GARY
I don't care silver spoon. I bet you storm off by the end of the day
DALTON
You can't reel me in..
GARY
100 quid
DALTON
I could do with the money, £200?
GARY £150?
DALTON £300 final offer
GARY Done
They shake hands, Dalton wipes his hands on his overalls
GARY (CONT'D)
It's a win win for me, you storm
off I don't have to put up with your face in my day and if you don't then I get £300
DALTON
Wait, what?
JEFF
A gentleman's agreement without a
gentleman
DALTON
I think you'll find I am one of the
finest gentlemen that...
GARY
SHHH, I'm having a slow motion moment
Heather walks in slow motion, BAD TOUCH By Bloodhound Gang plays. Heather reaches the gate. The music stops Gary is thrusting his groin at Heather, a seagull shits on Gary
HEATHER
Shit on a shit. Get to the meeting
DALTON
It's suppose to be lucky
GARY
I should shit on you
DALTON
You do, everyday
Gary enters with the dog pole. Dalton follows. Heather finishes opening up. Jeff is attaching fishing wire to the stick
INT. BRUCE'S OFFICE - MORNING
Gary and Dalton stand staring at Bruce who is fast asleep at his desk. Heather enters, loudly claps her hands. Bruce sits bolt up right, his hair is a mess and he's been dribbling
BRUCE
What time do you call this?
Bruce finds his list for the day
BRUCE (CONT'D) One, Buy a noose. Two, Find a
strong tree branch
HEATHER Try again
BRUCE
That's for later. We have a new
member of the team starting today, Luke. The council called, they aren't happy with the lack of diversity
GARY The dance group?
BRUCE
No, I have to hire either a
disabled, which I can't do
DALTON
Because we don't have accessibility
for a wheel chair
BRUCE
I suppose but also they are high
maintenance. Brail for the blind, left handed stuff for people that have lost their right hand and lets not forget the..
Bruce taps his head with his finger meaning "mental"
GARY sideburns?
BRUCE
No, the mentally inadequate. They
are all the same, pigeon hole it and leave it alone
DALTON
Nice to see no discrimination
reigns supreme
BRUCE Exactly
GARY
Being four eyed is a disability
DALTON
That's derogatory, Bruce tell him.
You can't say that..
GARY
Having glasses is a disability, can
you go swimming?
DALTON
Well no
GARY
Do people always want a go on them
as if they were a toy
DALTON Yes they do
GARY Do they steam up
from the cold
when you come in
Yes
DALTON
GARY Disability
DALTON It's not it's..
BRUCE
Alright that's enough. I didn't
hire a a disabled so shut up. I hired a black guy
HEATHER Make sense
GARY
Oh so were just letting anybody
come in now are we? This is why I voted to leave the G.U
G.U?
DALTON
HEATHER
The Green Union, there was a vote
at all the dumps so there would be a lid on what people can bring to the dump. It's nothing to do with ethnic backgrounds
GARY
That's what they want you to think.
I still don't know if it's a good or bad thing that were out of the G.U?
HEATHER
Nobody does, Jean at the Bexley
dump told me they are going to re- do the vote because they didn't get the result they wanted
GARY
You can't just re-spin the bottle,
you have to kiss the person on the lips even if it is your uncle Barry with a coldsore
DALTON
Bruce, I fully support your
decision. An African American member of the team would be superb, I mean good luck to him because you are all on the higher end of the racist scale but four team members Bruce? Really? Somebody has to go
Dalton walks forward, puts his release papers
DALTON (CONT'D) Just sign here
on Bruce's desk
Bruce stands up, leans over and grabs Dalton by the collar
BRUCE
You have to show me you can work
hard, focus, show me your worth
GARY He can't do that
DALTON
I can and I will. How do I do that?
Bruce lets go of Dalton and slumps in his chair
BRUCE
Clean, organize, assisted suicide.
Whatever. Heather, you give Luke the tour
Heather answers through gritted teeth
HEATHER
Me? Don't you think ill be too busy
today?
BRUCE Are you ever busy?
Gary and Bruce laughs
BRUCE (CONT'D)
I have shoes to polish, everybody
out
Heather leaves the office. Dalton and Gary follow. A seagull shits on the window
BRUCE (CONT'D) Bloody seagulls
EXT. DUMP YARD - DAY
Dalton is looking for a way to show his worth. He notices three tramps (Gunby, King and Tant) playing cards and smoking in the corner of the yard. Dalton approaches
DALTON
Gentlemen please vacate the
premises
The three tramps look at each other and laugh
DALTON (CONT'D) Don't make me put my foot down
Gunby stands up
GUNBY
How about I put my foot down, on
your throat Heather appears
HEATHER
WHOA, sorry gentlemen. Carry on
with your game, Tant nice hair cut
TANT
I got attacked by a barn owl
HEATHER
It's a good look, it works for you
Heather leads Dalton away
HEATHER (CONT'D) What are you doing?
DALTON
I'm cleaning like Bruce said work
hard, focus
HEATHER
On getting killed? Leave the tramps
alone. I'm not suppose to tell anyone but theres a way you get your paperwork signed, find the kid
DALTON I don't do kids
HEATHER
It's good to know, there were some
rumors for a while. Bruce's son is around here somewhere, find him and prove your worth and go back to your shallow silver spoon bum licking, oh I'm so educated, suited and booted, hoy paloy, fake arse life
DALTON
I dream of that day. What's his
name
HEATHER
Matt? Mark? Marcus? It's got an M
in it. Might be Gordon? Not sure Heather leaves. Dalton takes a deep breath
DALTON Find a kid, easy
EXT. FRONT GATE - DAY
Luke 22 (a head in the clouds kid (not black) gate, Heather approaches
LUKE
I'm Luke. I'm here to see Bruce
is by the front
Jeff takes out his small black book and writes LUKE at the bottom of his KILL LIST, Heather approaches
HEATHER Luke? You are white?
LUKE Yea?
Heather leaves
JEFF
Nobody likes you, thought you
should know
INT. BRUCE'S OFFICE - DAY
Bruce polishing his shoes, Heather enters
HEATHER Luke isn't black
BRUCE
Exactly, he is just a person
HEATHER
He's a white man, show me where you
found him
Bruce types and swings the computer round for Heather to see. The social media profile picture is of Will Smith
HEATHER (CONT'D) That's Will Smith
BRUCE No look
Bruce points at Luke's name on the screen
HEATHER
Yeah I can read but that is a
picture of Will Smith
Who?
BRUCE
HEATHER
He's an actor..why do I have to
deal with this
BRUCE Sack him then
HEATHER He'll sue you
Bruce throws shoe polish to Heather
BRUCE Black him up?
She thinks about it
HEATHER No.......no
BRUCE
Can't you see I'm busy here, sort
it out
Heather throws the shoe polish, it hits Bruce on the head
BRUCE (CONT'D) HEALTH AND SAFETY!!
Heather leaves
EXT. YARD - DAY
Gary is smoking a joint with the tramps Gunby, King and Tant
GARY
Did you get the costumes?
KING Yep, right here
GARY Face paint?
Tant reveals a bunch of face paints and brushes
GARY (CONT'D)
All clear on the plan tramps?
KING
Can we be called Hobo's? Tramp is
so derogatory Lady and the Tramp, Trampvestite, Trampoline. We prefer Hobo
GARY
We'll take a vote on that later.
Focus up. I have a flawless plan to make Heather fall in love with me. We'll create a real gang attack, she sees me weak, vulnerable and in trouble, pity's me, comforts me, the hand job comes later
TANT
Do we get hand jobs?
GARY
Why would you get a hand job?
KING Can I kick you?
GARY
Yes kicking is allowed
GUNBY Punching?
GARY
Yes punching and kicking is fine,
just not in the face or in the groin area
TANT Spitting?
GARY
Why would you spit on me?
GUNBY Lubrication?
GARY
No spitting. Wow, Strong weed lads
KING
It's mescaline, I got it from a
cactus. It'll make you see crazy shit, Gunby saw his own mother having sex with his neighbor dressed as a teletubbies
GARY Which one
TANT
Which neighbor or which Teletubbie?
GUNBY
Can we not talk about it. That
actually happened, it wasn't because of the drugs. I wasn't seeing things, it was there in my face
We focus in on Gunby's face while we hear a faint voice "TIME FOR TELLETUBBIES, TIME FOR TELLETUBBIES"
GARY
Nightmare alert. Let's put this
plan into action EXT. WOODS - DAY
Dalton is in the woods looking for Bruce's son, there is a noise behind him, a shadow runs behind him. Child's laughter can be heard on the wind. A seagull flies up and makes Dalton jump
DALTON
Damn seagulls. Marcus, Mark, Matt
or Gordon where are you?
Blue tarpaulin is moving slowly in the wind. Dalton creeps up with fear in his eyes. Dalton quickly lifts the tarpaulin up and sees a female mannequin
DALTON (CONT'D) You....you should be in plastic
waste darling
Dalton picks the mannequin up. A child's laughter spooks Dalton. Dalton leaves with female mannequin
EXT. YARD TOUR - DAY
Heather is showing Luke around the yard
HEATHER
...glass, this is wood and timber..
LUKE
What's the camper-van for?
HEATHER
Ah that's my Feedback Centre, I
take customers inside, fill in a questionnaire have a chat, get feedback and they exit very satisfied and I feel richer
LUKE
Are they waiting for you?
Luke points at two men waiting outside the camper-van holding flowers and chocolates
HEATHER
Yeah it's a popular service, wait
here. I have to go to work Heather heads towards the camper-van
LUKE
You are already at work?
Heather takes the man into the camper-van, a red light goes on and soft music plays
2 MINUTES LATER
Heather returns from the camper-van, her make up isn't as pristine as it was before, she is doing her overalls up
HEATHER Right, let's carry on
Heather leads Luke around a corner and comes across Gary on the floor dressed as a Warrior from the movie THE WARRIORS and Gunby, Tant and King are dressed as BASEBALL FURIES, they are beating Gary up very softly
GARY Heather, thank god
Heather doesn't blink. Gary whispers to the tramps
GARY (CONT'D) Harder, more real
Gunby kicked Gary in the face. Gary spits blood
GARY (CONT'D)
SHIT!!
Gary this is Luke
LUKE Alright
Gary replies holding his mouth
GARY
He's not diverse at all
HEATHER Nope, come on
Heather and Luke leave
GUNBY That went well
GARY No it didn't
HEATHER
TANT
Next time we should start with the
kick in the face and finish with the broom of doom
KING
Yes maybe crescendo with a good old
eye gouging?
GARY Who kicked me?
The tramps all point at each other
GARY (CONT'D) Idiots, get out of my sight
The tramps walk away, Gary slowly picks himself up using the dog pole as a walking stick, he bumps into Dalton carrying the mannequin
DALTON
What the hell happened to you?
GARY
I got the tramps to beat me up in
what looked like a gang attack so Heather would pity me and give me a hand job
DALTON
Of course, how silly of me
Dalton notices that Gary is still holding the dog pole
DALTON (CONT'D) Can I borrow that?
GARY
If you introduce me to this lovely
lady?
DALTON
Gary this is...a manneq....Amanda
Gary hands the dog pole to Dalton, Dalton leaves. Gary is hallucinating that the mannequin is a beautiful woman
GARY Hi Amanda
AMANDA (MANNEQUIN) Hello Gary, why do you want love
from a woman that cares nothing for you?
GARY She floats my boat
AMANDA
I'm sure she does but you are no
one woman man are you, you sexy tiger
GARY Grrr
AMANDA
Given the chance you would hold any
woman wouldn't you?
GARY That's not true
AMANDA Feel my breast
Gary without a second beat goes to grab Amandas breast. We see from a customers point of view that he is groping a mannequin
AMANDA (MANNEQUIN) (CONT'D) Did you enjoy that?
GARY Best day ever
AMANDA (MANNEQUIN) Now we are in a relationship.
Heather will be jealous. I want you to not hold back, go as weird as you want anything goes, every hole is a goal. Use my body as your sex toy Gary, please
Gary is breathing heavy and has a smile from ear to ear
EXT. FRONT GATE - DAY
Janet (41 looks like Miranda) walks past Jeff who is holding a home made bow
HEATHER
OH shit. Tell Bruce Miranda is here
LUKE
Miranda Hart? I like her
HEATHER
No this is her evil twin. Go, now!
He's in his office
Luke run's off in the direction of Bruce's office. Heather heads towards Janet to stall her
HEATHER (CONT'D) Janet, hows the crack
rehabilitation going?
JANET
I still suffer from night terrors
and I have a fear of blankets because of you
HEATHER
Let's not start pointing fingers,
you still owe me money
JANET
You won't get a penny out of me
HEATHER
It's more than a penny, come on
were friends
JANET
Friend? You may be pretty on the
outside but your soul is darker than the devils anus, you are rotten to the core, narcissistically insane. I just hope to be there when you drop dead
HEATHER You think I'm pretty?
JANET Tell me where he is
HEATHER He's in the camper-van
Janet enters the camper-van, Heather enters after
INT. BRUCE'S OFFICE - EARLY AFTERNOON
Luke is in front of Bruce who sits at his desk pondering
BRUCE
I can't fire you for being white?
LUKE
I'm not sure of the law but I don't
want to get fired
BRUCE
That's a good attitude son, I miss
my son. Where are you?
LUKE Is that me?
BRUCE
Not you, your not even the right
colour
LUKE Did you adopt?
BRUCE
I am going to have to fix this
myself. The boss will have to be the boss, do the boss duties, come here and close your eyes
INT. CAMPER-VAN - EARLY AFTERNOON
Janet picks up a long chain of colourful anal beads
JANET
What the hell kind of service are
you supplying here? Heather takes the beads from Janet
HEATHER It's a feedback centre
Harold 78 (Skinny frail man) enters the camper-van they stand in a moment of silence
Orgy?
HAROLD
JANET Get out of my way
Janet pushes past Harold
HEATHER Bad timing Harold
Heather rushes after Janet still holding the anal beads
HAROLD
Ill wait inside for you Heather
Harold shuts the door
INT. BRUCE'S OFFICE - AFTERNOON
Luke's face is now blacked up with shoe polish
LUKE
Will this help me keep my job?
BRUCE
Yep, You see Luke I am a good man,
a loyal man not a whore like my whore wife. I will give you the shirt off my back
Bruce starts to take off his shirt
LUKE What's happening?
Bruce hands his shirt to Luke
LUKE (CONT'D)
Oh Heather said to tell you..
The door swings open, Bruce screams
BRUCE
MIRANDA!! Janet, I mean Janet my ex
wife, my wife. Your still my wife
JANET
Bruce you dirty disgusting f**k
wit. Where is my son?
BRUCE He's with Heather
Heather stumbles in the office still holding the anal beads
JANET Where is he Bruce?
BRUCE With Gary
Gary bursts into the office with no trousers on (his penis is pixelated) he is holding hands with Amanda
GARY
girlfriend now Heather,
GARY Oh shit
JANET
WHERE IS HE!!?? I swear Bruce, I
will rip your head off and dispose of it in general waste, where is he?
BRUCE
Look how nice my shoes are
HEATHER He's with Dalton
BRUCE
You like shiny shoes
Dalton enters holding the dog pole, around his neck, he is playing on a
SON Alright mum..
JANET
My poor baby, are you ok?
goodbye to your son Bruce
Janet storms out with her son. Gary
coat on, a bloody nose and no pants on. Bruce is in a drunken state, shirtless. Luke is blacked up now wearing Bruce's shirt, Heather is holding colourful anal beads.
Heather watches Janet leave out the window, she is galloping with her son
BRUCE
I polished my shoes
DALTON
And very nice they are too. Good
job everyone today, so Bruce if you just sign here and I will be out of your hair
I have a jealous?
That's a
Gary turns around and sees a mannequin
HEATHER mannequin
a small boy has the cord phone..
Say
has a 'Warriors' waist
Dalton puts his release papers on Bruce's desk
BRUCE
You found my son. Which means I
will never see him again. I will never sign your release papers you master degree getting, tall dark and handsome fine figure of a man
HEATHER
You really need to work on your
insults, too complimentary
DALTON
Thank you for that Bruce but I did
prove my worth
BRUCE
All you proved today is how good
you look in that uniform
HEATHER
Again, very complimentary
DALTON
I don't belong here
GARY (TO SELF)
Here we go Daltons face fills with rage
DALTON
You told me to prove my worth
Yep
BRUCE
GARY
Yes he did say that
DALTON
And I found your lost son
Yep
BRUCE
GARY You did find him
DALTON
And by doing so instead of being
rewarded, I am being punished
BRUCE
I will never see my son again
GARY
Punished for finding a kid and just
to confirm I would be surprised if Bruce ever sees his boy again
DALTON This..
GARY 3...
Is..
DALTON
GARY 2...
DALTON
SO UNFAIR, I SHOULDN'T BE HERE WITH
ALL YOU KID LOSING, MANNEQUIN SHAGGING, ONLY WAY IS ESSEX WATCHING...
HEATHER I do like that show
DALTON
Nineteenth century black faced
peasants
LUKE Racist
Dalton storms out of the office. Gary sings and makes the MAKE IT RAIN gesture with his hands
GARY
MAN I FEEL LIKE MONEY!
Heather is staring at Luke
HEATHER
Who are you suppose to be?
LUKE Will Smith
Bruce points at Heather who is still holding multi coloured anal beads
BRUCE What are those?
HEATHER
Bunting for the office, decoration
Heather looks out the window
HEATHER (CONT'D) Gotta go to work
Heather leaves the office
LUKE
I'm guna like it here
Luke leaves
GARY
Another successful day at the dump,
come on love
Gary picks up the mannequin and leaves, Bruce is left wallowing in self pity
EXT. YARD - LATE AFTERNOON
Gary walks past the three tramps who are playing cards dressed as FURIES
TANT
Shall I deal you in Gary?
GARY
Nope, I'm going into the woods, I
may be some time
Gary walks past Heather who is going into the caravan with Harold, Dalton is fuming behind a wall, Luke's wearing Bruce's shirt welcoming customers into the yard still blacked up. Gary suddenly spots a seagull perched on a stack of pallets, he slowly puts the mannequin down and picks up a lump of wood he creeps up to the seagull slowly and raises the lump of wood above his head and just as he goes to hit the seagull an arrow pierces the seagull dead, Gary is stunned and looks round to see Jeff standing with a bow raised, he lowers the bow slowly
GARY (CONT'D)
Gary drops the wood, picks up the mannequin
Yes Jeff!!
GARY (CONT'D)
What a shot, straight through, he
didn't see it coming, brilliant
Gary walks off into the woods with the mannequin
JEFF I missed
Jeff gets out his small black book and at the top of the list writes SEAGULL and crosses it out
JEFF (TO SELF) (CONT'D) It's a start
Jeff watches Gary enter the woods "NOTHINGS GUNA STOP US NOW" by Starship plays
FADE TO BLACK
THE END
