British Comedy Guide

bkjfnsblmmvcnfnvfb 24.12.18 - 4.1.19

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 24th December 2018, 2:21pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,553 posts

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to GAPPY and ME for winkin'. PM me with a subject for next wank please. I will PM myself. I won't really. It's a joke. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
1 - 10 - Gappy, me

Your next topic is HOLIDAYS.
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of testes, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 4.1.19.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 30 - Gappy, me

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 30th December 2018, 1:38pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,553 posts

Everyone's slagging off Berlusconi (the little scab); everyone's laying into him (the tosser).

And it's such an easy thing to do. Really, really easy to criticise that oversexed underachieving slimy toady self-obsessed little arse-head. So I thought I'd change the subject and look forward to my hols with all my friend.

'Cause English holidays are weird. Like Christmas: We spend all year warning kids about strangers - Yankees say 'the Black man', ewww - then tell 'em a fat alchie's gonna break into their room at night, offer them sweets then unload his sack. New Year's cool too, where we anticipate twelve months' prosperity with - a lump of coal. Classic British aspirations.

Or Easter, the 'most important date in the Christian calendar' - so important in fact, it changes every bleedin' year. On Good Friday (what? I mean, WHAT?) we remember Christ's dying in the most agonising horrendous mode in history by eating buns with crosses on them. It's a tad disrespectful don't you think? A bit like commemorating your son's death in a car crash by watching 'Herbie Goes Bananas' every year. The next day, when Jesus was in Hell, we go round looking very serious and if you're a teenager trying hard not to masturbate. Then Easter itself, when we employ the egg as a symbol of joy. Tell that to a battery hen.

Then Halloween, when kids can sell their soul to Satan. Followed by Guy Fawkes Night, some poor sod getting snitched on and tortured, represented by a dummy being burnt on a massive fire. Or Whits'un, God knows what that means, all I know is it sounds pretty camp as a topic for a first date.

Thank God for Bank Holidays, eh?

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gappy

  • Tuesday 1st January 2019, 11:26am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,112 posts

P: Archie! Good to see you, old thing. How was your trip to Oxford?

A: Oh, just wonderful, thank you, Patricia. I can't believe I'd never got around to visiting.

P: Yes, it's always the way, isn't it? One flies round the world, but never finds the time to explore the wonders of our own nation. So, tell me all about it.

A: Well, the crowning glory, was this little place we found for dinner.

P: Ever the galloping gourmand, Archie!

A: Indeed. I mean, we had to venture a few miles out of the centre, but I found this wonderful place. It's called, Wetherspoons

P: [PRONOUNCE IT ODDLY] Wethh-erspoooon. Sounds like old English.

A: Quite. I knew it would be good, you see, because it was simply full of the local people.

P: You're so right. You know, when I visited Oxford I found a place quite near the centre, but a little secret. As soon as I saw the locals queuing up, I just had to eat at Kentucky Fried Chicken. I assume Ken Tucky was the name of the chef or poulterer who started the business, in the middle ages.

A: Tucky! Oh yes, you can smell the farmstead. I must admit, we missed that one, but should I visit again, I shall be sure to sample their menu.

P: Along with the local people.

A: Along with the local people. Because, you know, I always believe that the less well-off people are, the more discerning they are regarding food. Against all available evidence

P: Me too! And did you visit the museum?

A: Goodness, no, chock full of tourists! I followed a charming local chap into a treasure trove called WH Smiths.

P: Oh, you adventurer.

A: Hours we spent there. WH Smith, it's called. But the W, H and S are all printed together, like a A & E in encyclopaedia.

P: Old English?

A: I assume so. I picked up publication there called Wallpaper, and I assume that was in Old English, because I couldn't understand a word of it.

P: Travel certainly does broaden the mind. So, are you coming to The Ritz for some foie gras before the opera?

A: [SIGH]If I must. Back to the old routine, eh?

P: Don't worry, there'll be another day in [PRONOUNCED AS MADLY AS POSSIBLE] WhhhhSmith by and by.

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Patrick Robinson

  • Tuesday 1st January 2019, 11:07pm
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 141 posts

Scene: travel agent office. In walks a hulk of a man, blue skin, wearing golden armour.

Neil: Good morning, welcome to Comas Took holidays. How can I help?

Thanos: I need what is known on your planet as a "holiday". What is your name Earth mortal?

Neil: Neil.

Thanos: I DO NOT KNEEL! BEWARE YOUR IMPERTINANCE MORTAL!

Neil: No, I mean my name is Neil. As in N...E...I....L.

Thanos: Oh, ok. I'm sorry, I'm a bit stressed. Need a vacation after a really busy time work wise.

Neil: I hear you bud: we're short staffed here. Ran off my feet. It's largely down to that "erase half of the living things in the universe" event that happened. Something to do with a bloke from Jupiter's moon having an infinity glove and trying to impress Mistress Death about his level of power over the universe.

Thanos: It's Saturn's moon actually. And it's not a bloody glove, it's a gauntlet........well......so I've heard....,no read......yes......read it.....,read about that.

Neil: No biggy. So, what kind of holiday are you looking for? Mr.....?

Thanos: Thanos. The omnipotent. Son of Sui San.

Neil: Ok.....Mr Thanos. Is that Greek?

Thanos: No, it's from Titan, Saturn's moon.

Neil: oh, sorry no offence.

Thanos: None taken, I get that a lot. I just want a holiday to get away from it all. A place to unwind. Five star. Fully catered. No kids.

Neil: Ever thought of a cruise?

Thanos: What is "a cruise"?

Neil: It's great: travel on a five star cruise liner. Pure luxury. While you are taken around the Caribbean. Fully catered.

Thanos: Perfect. I'll go twice.

Neil: Two different tickets?

Thanos: No. I will use the infinity gauntlet to go back in time and have the same holiday twice.

Neil: Great stuff. Take some good reading with you. So, that will be £1000 pounds please. And I can offer you a ticket in 2025. That's only 6 years away.

Thanos: Six years! Why?

Neil: Like I mentioned: that "erase half of the living things in the universe" event means we've only got 50% of our normal crew for the next six seasons. Absolute nightmare. No one's getting cruises until 2024 at the earliest.

Thanos: Bugger.........Would it change
anything if I told you I possessed the the eternal power of the infinity gauntlet? A device that controls energy, matter, time and space?

Neil: It might: how do you feel about a place called Skegness?

End.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 5th January 2019, 11:35am [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,553 posts

Gappy. Thanks to Patrick for increasing the input by 6542%.

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gappy

  • Saturday 5th January 2019, 1:50pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,112 posts

Patrick for me (not least in thanks for making this a proper competition for the first time in weeks), but Michael deserves special mention for "A bit like commemorating your son's death in a car crash by watching 'Herbie Goes Bananas' every year", great line.

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Patrick Robinson

  • Sunday 6th January 2019, 12:49am
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 141 posts

Michael for me: the Herbie bit stood out. Cheers. Three way tie?

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 6th January 2019, 11:54am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,553 posts

Two fleas had a race to the centre of my torso. Ended in a tie.