British Comedy Guide

Fat Chance

Avatar

Teddy Paddalack

  • Monday 17th December 2018, 3:55pm [Edited]
  • Everton, England
  • 3,190 posts

Heres another Mike in the Midlands from back in the day

Mike Moffat
Scottish Accent
Morbid Obesity is a well documented problem; however it is all too often evaluated by the use of graphs and ratios which often fail to display the humanity of the issue. Tonight on 'Mike in the Midlands' we assess how two morbidly obese people view other people's perception of them."
I am at the home of Ken Davis, a forty stone wildlife TV enthusiast who lives with his thirty five stone wife Donna, above a kebab shop in Dudley. Both have been diagnosed by healthcare professionals as being 'Morbidly Obese' a claim they both refute out of hand.

Donna
Brummie accent
That's right Mike, because we're not!"

Mike
Donna the reality is that you are four foot eleven and weigh over thirty five stone, yet you refuse to accept that you're morbidly obese?

Donna
I'm five foot actually Mike and I clearly could do with losing a few pounds but I've never been morbid Mike! If I was morbid why would I get things like that?

Mike
This is a Christmas card

Ken
Brummie accent/ High Horse Stance
It's a Christmas card from the staff at the kebab shop underneath us that is! I wouldn't mind where they're from they don't even celebrate Christmas but they went to the trouble of sending us a Christmas card, go on read it!

Mike
It says to Ken and Donna the funniest customers in the world; it's signed Agram & Gupta

Ken
So as you can see there is no way we're morbid, every time we placed order on the phone we would crack jokes with them and everything.

Mike Moffat
You order by phone? Its at the foot of your stairs?

Ken
We used to go down before we got the bucket? When we did Donna use to do impressions and everything while we were waiting, we had them in stitches. Donna do Cilla for them!

Donna
Really poor impression of Cilla Black

I'll have four kebabs, three deep fried chickens chuck and a lorra lorra chips

Ken
Really impressed
You'd think was really was Cilla wouldn't you? It used to crack the lads behind the counter up every time?

Mike
You said something about a bucket?

Ken
Yeah we use that now as it saves us having to go down. I just drop the bucket out of the bog window and they put our order in it. It used to be easier when we used the lounge window as you never missed any telly while you pulled it up. But drunks started swinging on the rope and stuff was going missing from our order. It's a bit of a pain having to go right through to the bathroom to use the back window but it's a lot safer, like I said some of the order was going missing!

Mike
How often do you order food in this fashion?

Ken
Every night except for Tuesdays that's Pizza night. The lad brings that round and I drop the key to him and he comes up and we tip him. Donna sometimes hides behind the couch and pretends to be a big dog it cracks him up.

Donna
Starts Barking
Woof Woof Grr grr

Ken
Chuckling to himself
You should see the lads face every time and we always give him two quid tip, it's only fair because we save four quid by ordering on Two For One Tuesdays and we save another three quid because we don't have the salad or any veg on the pizzas!

Mike
You don't eat salad or vegetables?

Ken
Can't stand the muck

Mike
Do you eat much fruit?

Donna
I always have pineapple on my gammon and Ken loves apple doughnuts

Mike
Do you exercise at all?

Ken
I had a bike once but it got a flat tyre so I never bothered after that?

Mike
Where's the bike now?

Ken
I wish I knew! Those Choppers sell for a bomb these days on the internet.

Mike
Ken you are by your own admission your forty stone, surely you can see why you would be classed as being morbidly obese!"

Ken
No I don't Mike, I really don't

Mike
Ken at the risk of sounding rude there is no escaping the fact that you're fat!

Ken
I know I'm fat Mike no one's disputing that! But I'm not morbid and neither is Donna and that's our point! These modern day quacks want a new name for everything so they're calling perfectly happy fat people morbid and that's wrong that is. Here while we're on the radio I'll get Donna to do the Queen

Donna
Terrible impersonation of the queen
My husband and I would like to thank.......

Miket
Voices over Donnas continuing speech in the background
They're you have it, Ken and Donna, a couple who readily accept that they're overweight. But vigorously refuse to be labelled as being morbid.

I'm Michael Moffat and you have been listening to 'Mike in the Midlands'

Avatar

Rood Eye

  • Monday 17th December 2018, 5:41pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 4,103 posts

That is very good, Teddy.

I can't remember seeing a better sketch on BCG. If there is one, it's probably one of mine that I wrote a long time ago but have forgotten about.

But seriously though, the only potential change that leaps out to me is a change from "bathroom window" to "bog window".

I say again, that sketch is good!

Avatar

Teddy Paddalack

  • Monday 17th December 2018, 6:09pm
  • Everton, England
  • 3,190 posts

Thanks for the read Roody I'm glad you liked it as it lifts you when you score a goal with a reader. This is one a few I wrote back in the day that I still like which for me is always a good sign.
I'm sure you're one was better but second place as the greatest ever sketch on here is no mean feat so there's no shame in silver.

Avatar

Teddy Paddalack

  • Tuesday 18th December 2018, 7:49am
  • Everton, England
  • 3,190 posts

I forgot to add that the 'Bog window' was a great call and shows you're in tune with the caper so I've put it in as it benefits from it .

AvatarBCG Supporter

beaky

  • Tuesday 18th December 2018, 6:03pm
  • Malaga and Brighton, United Kingdom
  • 2,735 posts

Teddy's one of the best writers on this forum and this helps prove it.

Avatar

Teddy Paddalack

  • Tuesday 18th December 2018, 6:07pm
  • Everton, England
  • 3,190 posts

Thanks for that Beaky and I'm glad you liked it.

Avatar

Teddy Paddalack

  • Tuesday 18th December 2018, 6:29pm
  • Everton, England
  • 3,190 posts

On reflection though Beaky and in fairness to others I tend to put more of my stuff up. I do it as I don't have anywhere to send them , but I suspect many others write as good if not better but have contacts/ places to send them so we don't see as much as their stuff as we do mine.
After alI I have posted more Howlers than Ron Weaslys mother in my time . That said I'm made up you like it because it gives me a spur and you can't beat that feeling/