British Comedy Guide

Problem Panto Two The Reckoning

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Saturday 15th December 2018, 10:28am [Edited]
  • Everton, England
  • 3,190 posts

The vicar and his reluctant cast are at the 'hoose' of the Highlands most Scottish person Claymore Mc Culloden seeking his advice about 'Dick Whittington'

They stand at his front door as he announces his judgement

CMCC
And you're sure you won't go with Braveheart again Vicar? It's very popular

VICAR
But it's not a traditional Panto is it? Besides we've done it for the last 15 years! I know we live in Loch Angry but we really need to work on our anger

CMCC
Well why not go with Ali Babba and the 40 thieves, that's traditional?

VICAR
It is, but I've only got 4 actors? No one on the loch wants to get involved

CMCC
That's because you were making Dick Whittington, If you tell them you're making Ali Babba and the 40 Tories! The whole village will get behind you

CAST
Brilliant I could a mop on my head and be Bojo and have a water cannon that I wet the crowd with

I could shave my head and be IDS the Benefits thief who walks around the stage looking for handicap people to blight

The Stewart twins are small and skinny, they could get on each other's shoulders under a coat and play Jacob Rees Mogg the Posh talking pervert

I'll play his Nanny I beleive she's a goer

I'll be The Maybot! I've still got my Tin Man outfit from when we did 'Follow the Tartan Road'

The cast are all excited and Claymore McCulloden is looking pleased with himself as he lifts his kilt to show he's no phoney and the cast roar approval as the vicar walks away shaking his head

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Rood Eye

  • Saturday 15th December 2018, 12:52pm
  • England
  • 4,103 posts

This looks like a surefire smash hit on both sides of the border!

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Saturday 15th December 2018, 2:38pm [Edited]
  • Everton, England
  • 3,190 posts

I'll save you a seat Roody old bean but not too near the water cannon ,

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Briosaid

  • Saturday 15th December 2018, 8:54pm [Edited]
  • 1,356 posts
Quote: Rood Eye @ 15th December 2018, 12:52 PM

This looks like a surefire smash hit on both sides of the border!

Doubt that. (A) Where is the humour? (B) what's the plot? (C) small point - we don't have 'vicars' in Scotland so if you're trying to write for a foreign country, give them the respect of trying to learn the lingo.
In summary, this is a silly attempt at vengeance, but you're not clever enough to bring it off.
I've written enough pantos to know what best pleases a Scottish audience.
P.S. I assume, Roodeye, that your post was ironic.

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Saturday 15th December 2018, 9:41pm
  • Everton, England
  • 3,190 posts

If thats it you can go to bed now ,

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Briosaid

  • Saturday 15th December 2018, 10:51pm
  • 1,356 posts
Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ 15th December 2018, 9:41 PM

If thats it you can go to bed now ,

As usual your post is incomprehensible but at least this time It's short.

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Saturday 15th December 2018, 11:12pm [Edited]
  • Everton, England
  • 3,190 posts

Come on! Now I'll carry the can for crap jokes and ill thought out sketches , but your inability to comprehend things isn't my fault. Would it help if I took my socks off and explained things to you through puppets?
All you're doing now is spouting is bile, so lets call it quits as I really thought you could have come back with a bit of banter in sketches?
But now I can see you're out of your depth with comedy. No wonder you do 'Template' pantos scripts as its only one step away from dot to dot.
That is all I am going to say on this matter so you bang your reply out as is your right and we'll call it quits as its nasty and vile and I 'm into that crap anymore

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Briosaid

  • Saturday 15th December 2018, 11:38pm
  • 1,356 posts

You don't know what I do. However I see you're showing your true colours at last. Plain speaking - i think you're pretty thick and have scant chance of succeeding at anything except blowing your own trumpet. Let's face it, if you haven't made it now you're an old man, give up. END.

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Sunday 16th December 2018, 6:29am [Edited]
  • Everton, England
  • 3,190 posts

SCENE;
Early morning in a run down house an old man in a tattered cardigan is brushing up glass and picking up broken chairs.

His wife shouts down the stairs

WIFE
Teddy have you been arguing on the internet again?

TEDDY
Yes dear

WIFE
I'm going to have to up your roughage

TEDDY
Yes dear

WIFE
And you can stay off your f**king trumpet as well!

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Rood Eye

  • Sunday 16th December 2018, 10:46am [Edited]
  • England
  • 4,103 posts

SCENE 1: EXT. WILD, OPEN COUNTRYSIDE. DAY.

Leaden skies and heavy rain. A man in a shellsuit with a Kevin Keegan bubble perm and a bushy moustache trudges across a sodden field. He's panting heavily and stops for breath. We see that in his right hand he is carrying a megaphone.

He looks ahead and we see an ancient wall stretching away endlessly to his left and right.

He takes a deep breath and scrambles with difficulty to the top of the wall.

He puts the megaphone to his lips.

MAN (SCOUSE ACCENT): Calm down! Calm down!

ENDS

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Sunday 16th December 2018, 11:11am
  • Everton, England
  • 3,190 posts

Not far off Rood only my shellsuits got too many pot burns in so now I have to wear a flasher mac. But the perms there as is the wife stealing moustache, so you're on the money .