British Comedy Guide

ile-aaaaaab 17 - 25.11.18

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 17th November 2018, 12:28pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,385 posts

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to GAPPY and ME for winkin'. PM me with a subject for next wank please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
1 - 10 - Gappy, me

Your next topic is NEWS.
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of testes, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 25.11.18.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 45 - Gappy
2 - 25 - Crindy
3 - 20 - Otterfox
4 - 15 - Patrick
5 - 10 - me

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 24th November 2018, 4:56pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,385 posts

After 20 years in Rome I've finally found a great place to work. London.
I don't give a f**k about Thanksgiving. How many of you Americans give a f**k about Guy Fawkes' Night? F**k you... Like, ain't Independence Day awesome? The US declares its independence from the rest of the world cos 'We are Americans and we are AWESOME!'... The Monroe Doctrine proclaims the US shouldn't get involved in the rest of the planet cos 'We are Americans and we are SO AWESOME!'... The US stays out of 2 world wars as long as possible cos 'We Are AMERICANS and we're TOO GODDAM AWESOME!'... 2016, 52% of overaged Brits say, 'Um, if you don't mind, we'd rather not be, ah, overly involved in Europe...' 'You selfish ASSHOLES! You just don't care. It's just us, us, us.'
News of the Spice Girls reunion just leaked. So did I when I saw the picture.
I'm the opposite of other Spice Girls fans. They come and watch.
What did Joseph say to the plane? I'm gonna level with you.
There's a petition to get the Spice Girls to Number One this Christmas. That's it, tackle the major issues first. F**k famine relief, f**k anti-terrorism, f**k research into life-threatening diseases, let's channel our energies into getting my 90s wank fantasy to the top of something that don't mean f**k all any more anyway. A cause to die for.
They tried a castration documentary, but couldn't make the final cut.

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gappy

  • Sunday 25th November 2018, 10:52am [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,080 posts

1: Excuse me, do you mind if I sit next to you?
2: Not at all. Plenty of room on this bench, [CHUCKLES] even if I am getting a little plump in my later years.

1: Aren't we all? Much obliged. You know, I wouldn't normally sit next to the only other person in a gallery this large, but I'd like to sit and contemplate this painting a little.

2: Beautiful isn't it? I come and look at this Vermeer every Sunday morning, without fail, and, do you know, I always find something new.

1: I can imagine. For example, just the way the light is captured on the pearl is astounding.

2: Light on the what?

1: On the pearl. The pearl of the earring.

2: By Jove! There's an earring! I'd never noticed that before.

1: You'd never noticed the earring?

2: I blush to say I hadn't.

1: You'd never noticed the earring in Vermeer's "Girl With A Pearl Earring"?

2: F**k me, there's a girl! Bold as brass. Where did she spring from?

1: She's always been...how can you not have noticed the girl?

2: Well...I suppose I must have been looking at one of the other bits.

1: There are no other bits.

2: I regret I am not as well-versed in fine art as you, I have never studied the discipline.

1: Neither have I.

2: Natural talent, eh? I have to say, without meaning any offence, you have rather bowled me for 6. I'm not sure I can look at this painting again today. You've rather changed it for me.

1: Oh. I am sorry. And I didn't mean to be rude.

2: Not at all, old chap. Never mind, I can go and look at some of my other favourite paintings. They've got them all here, you know. Van Gogh's "Starless Night"; Da Vinci's "Jesus Has Supper On His Own"; Edward Hopper's "No-one At The Diner"; Constable's "A River In Suffolk Not Currently Being Crossed By Any Farmer, Yeoman, Etc"; Magritte's "Picture of A Pipe Offered Without Any Further Qualification"; Manet's "L'Herbe".

1: Err...I, ah, think you might have missed some elements of those ones too.

2: Really? Gosh. Tell you what, old bean, how would you like to be my artistic advisor? I'd pay you handsomely - how about 10 grand a week?
1: Ten thousand pounds per week? Can you afford that?

2: Oh, yes, don't worry about me, I've got loads of money. All the rights, you understand, to my books.

1: You're a writer, then?

2: Not exactly. But I invented a little thing called Where's Wally?...

[Yes, I know, it's "new", as opposed to "news". I did write it this week, though]

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 26th November 2018, 12:29pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,385 posts

A tough decision.
Think out of the box. Meditate after sex.

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gappy

  • Monday 26th November 2018, 7:44pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,080 posts

Right back at ya.