1: Excuse me, do you mind if I sit next to you?
2: Not at all. Plenty of room on this bench, [CHUCKLES] even if I am getting a little plump in my later years.
1: Aren't we all? Much obliged. You know, I wouldn't normally sit next to the only other person in a gallery this large, but I'd like to sit and contemplate this painting a little.
2: Beautiful isn't it? I come and look at this Vermeer every Sunday morning, without fail, and, do you know, I always find something new.
1: I can imagine. For example, just the way the light is captured on the pearl is astounding.
2: Light on the what?
1: On the pearl. The pearl of the earring.
2: By Jove! There's an earring! I'd never noticed that before.
1: You'd never noticed the earring?
2: I blush to say I hadn't.
1: You'd never noticed the earring in Vermeer's "Girl With A Pearl Earring"?
2: F**k me, there's a girl! Bold as brass. Where did she spring from?
1: She's always been...how can you not have noticed the girl?
2: Well...I suppose I must have been looking at one of the other bits.
1: There are no other bits.
2: I regret I am not as well-versed in fine art as you, I have never studied the discipline.
1: Neither have I.
2: Natural talent, eh? I have to say, without meaning any offence, you have rather bowled me for 6. I'm not sure I can look at this painting again today. You've rather changed it for me.
1: Oh. I am sorry. And I didn't mean to be rude.
2: Not at all, old chap. Never mind, I can go and look at some of my other favourite paintings. They've got them all here, you know. Van Gogh's "Starless Night"; Da Vinci's "Jesus Has Supper On His Own"; Edward Hopper's "No-one At The Diner"; Constable's "A River In Suffolk Not Currently Being Crossed By Any Farmer, Yeoman, Etc"; Magritte's "Picture of A Pipe Offered Without Any Further Qualification"; Manet's "L'Herbe".
1: Err...I, ah, think you might have missed some elements of those ones too.
2: Really? Gosh. Tell you what, old bean, how would you like to be my artistic advisor? I'd pay you handsomely - how about 10 grand a week?
1: Ten thousand pounds per week? Can you afford that?
2: Oh, yes, don't worry about me, I've got loads of money. All the rights, you understand, to my books.
1: You're a writer, then?
2: Not exactly. But I invented a little thing called Where's Wally?...
[Yes, I know, it's "new", as opposed to "news". I did write it this week, though]