British Comedy Guide

j hb hbà<a 5 - 13.11.18


Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 5th November 2018, 12:10pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,385 posts

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to GAPPY for winkin'. PM me with a subject for next wank please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - Otterfox

Your next topic is TV.
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of testes, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 13.11.18.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 35 - Gappy
2 - 25 - Crindy
3 - 20 - Otterfox
4 - 15 - Patrick


Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 7th November 2018, 12:46pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,385 posts




PRESENTER Good evening and now for something completely different. We expect...

GUEST Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

PRESENTER (nudges him)

GUEST Nudge nudge. Know what I mean? Say no more.

PRESENTER How are you?

GUEST I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay.

PRESENTER And how do you spend...?

GUEST I sleep all night and I work all day.

PRESENTER Good. And you're roamin'...

GUEST Roamin'? What've the Romans ever done for us? Apart from better sanitation and medicine and education and irrigation and public health and roads and a freshwater system and baths and public order...

PRESENTER I mean you're going...

GUEST Is yer wife a 'goer' eh? Know what I mean? Nudge nudge. Say no more.

PRESENTER But I wanted to say...

GUEST Say no more, Squire.

PRESENTER But you're trying to think positive.

GUEST Always look on the bright side of life.


GUEST Just before you draw your terminal breath.

PRESENTER That's funny!

GUEST Life is quite absurd, and death's the final word.

PRESENTER Which means no whining...

GUEST Whining? It's not pining. It's passed on. This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot.

PRESENTER The point is, Monty Python have reunited.

GUEST There's still more. (vomits)

PRESENTER But I like everyone's haircuts.

GUEST Every's perm is sacred. Every's perm is great.

PRESENTER And I like the nihilism...

GUEST Ni! We are the knights that say ni!

PRESENTER And the success...

GUEST It was a fantastic success. Over 60,000 times more powerful than Britain's great pre-war joke, and one which Hitler just couldn't match.

PRESENTER And people say no 'cos nobody would recognise them any more.


Patrick Robinson

  • Sunday 11th November 2018, 10:08am
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 141 posts

Dear BBC head honcho,

Six ideas to improve your programming:

1. Idea for a new daytime quiz show:

People have to convince a panel of nihilist philosophers that things are not pointless. Players are given a category (like "Jam", "Hedgehogs" or "Michael Gove"). @richardosman to judge and score.

2.Top tip for #CelebrityMasterchef producers:

Why not get celebrities like Gordon Ramsey and Jamie Oliver on to do Celebrity Masterchef? They'd be really good at cooking stuff up. That posh bloke from River Cottage too: he could cook up a fish.

3. While most of your BBC programmes are titled with accuracy, the Antiques Roadshow is an exception to the rule: not once have I seen the programme feature an antique road. Can I suggest you rectify this with an episode dedicated to the history of the A38? Also, I would encourage a longer episode of this show, perhaps entitled Antiques Roadshow: Special Edition. The only downfall to this is the acronym.

4. New dance show idea: Five Star at Five Ways at Five. 1980s pop group, Five Star, recreate their music videos during rush hour at a busy Birmingham train station. Spin off show: S Club 7 at Seven Sisters at 7.

5. Idea for TV show: "Hunter Hunts Hunt": Ex Gladiator, Hunter, helps teams of NHS staff find ex-Health Minister, Jeremy Hunt, when found, they put as many plasters on him as they can in 2 minutes. Thinking #BBC3.

6. The BBC needs a soap opera that competes more with Coronation Street. Solution: Coronary Street. Just like Corrie but all the characters have got problems with their heart.

I am charging £42 per idea, £205 for the lot.



  • Monday 12th November 2018, 8:15pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,080 posts

[We are in the over-lit world of daytime TV ads. An attractive, casually dressed WOMAN of about 28 is sitting at her kitchen table one sunny morning, in front of a mess of papers and documents. She is scratching her head. Pull out to show her cute DOG, sitting at her feet looking up]

DOG: Cor, would you look at that? All that hassle to sort out insurance. She should give Albion Finance a ring, they'd sort it all out before you could say Jack Russell - I mean, Robinson.

WOMAN: F**k me, the dog can talk. I'm going to be a millionaire.

V/O: Why not consolidate all your debts into one easy to manage magical animal? Magical animals can be sold or rented out, and all for a pretty penny. [FAST AND LOW, IN THE STYLE OF THE ADVERT "SMALL PRINT"] Magical animals do not exist. It is not a method of finding revenue. This advert has been pointless. [BEAT] Albion Finance.



  • Friday 16th November 2018, 10:39am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,080 posts

Interesting week, in that both Michael's and Patrick's are strings of gags. Quite like them both, but, almost arbitrarily as it's so close, I shall pick Michael this time.