British Comedy Guide

mv 24 - 31.10

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 25th October 2018, 11:15am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,385 posts

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to GAPPY and CRINDY for winkin'. PM me with a subject for next wank please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Otterf**ks
1 - 5 - Gappy

Your next topic is TIME OFF.
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of testes, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 31.10.18.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 25 - Crindy, Gappy
2 - 15 - Patrick, Otterfox

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gappy

  • Tuesday 30th October 2018, 7:06pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,080 posts

[ALL make high pitched whining hum]

JACK: Alright, everyone, ready for the off?

[Chorus of whines]

Great. Gavin, what are you carrying?

GAVIN: Yellow fever.

JACK: Brilliant. Agnes?

AGNES: Malaria, boss.

JACK: Nice work. And I've got some juicy encephalitis on board. So, mosquito team, let's get out there and get biting!

BRIAN: Err, hang on.

JACK: What is it, Brian?

BRIAN: Just this once, can we not carry diseases?

JACK: How do you mean?

BRIAN: I mean, we could go out and bite people, sure, but skip the bit about giving them diseases. Because I kind of don't see the point.

JACK: But you used to ace the diseases, Bri. You always had some dengue fever to hand. Won the Employee of the Month 5 times last year, remember? We called you the Dengue Daddy, you loved that.

BRIAN: Yeah, I did, right, but I've been thinking, let's take a little time off. Instead of giving people diseases, why don't we give them nice stuff?

GAVIN: What for?

BRIAN: Well, so they like us better. It's basic PR, isn't it? Maybe fewer of us would get squashed, if people thought we were sort of nice.

JACK: I don't get it.

BRIAN: Look, we're already unpopular, right? First off, we bite people and make them all itchy.

JACK: But that's what we do. It's all part of nature's elegant dance.

BRIAN: Yeah, I know. So we keep that, obviously. And then we make this sort of whiny noise that people don't really like.

[Chorus of loud whines]

Yeah, thanks, that one. Even I find it a bit annoying, if I'm honest.

AGNES: Oh, hands off the whining; I love the whining.

JACK: You can't change the whine, Brian, it's who we are. It's all part of Mother Nature's glorious unceasing pavanne.

BRIAN: I agree. But, with all that lot in our public image debit column, can't we just ditch the diseases?

JACK: But, we've always done the diseases thing. It's in nature's funky conga line of -

BRIAN: Will you stop doing that! Look, I'm just saying, can't we try giving something pleasant?

GAVIN: Like what?

BRIAN: I dunno. Nectar points?

JACK: What are they?

BRIAN: I...err...actually, I've no idea. But we could give other things. Chocolates. Advice. Massages!

AGNES: Massages, Brian?

BRIAN: Yeah. A nice relaxing massage, in exchange for a mouthful of blood. Fair deal.

JACK: Brian, just think about the size of your limbs for a moment. And then try to imagine the relative size of the average human. Then, extrapolating logically, have a guess how effective your muscle rub will be.

GAVIN: Plus, we'd be whining at the time - none of us is giving up the whining - which will affect the relaxing atmosphere pretty adversely.

JACK: Brian, we're getting nowhere, and time is ticking away. Why don't you strap on some dengue, get out there and fall into Mother Earth's jazz-fusion modern jive, as you always have before?

BRIAN: No way! I'm out of here. You old fuddy-duddies don't get it. You old stick-in-the-bloods. It's time for a change! I'm going to make humanity love creepy crawlies, and if you mosquitoes won't join me, I'll go elsewhere.

JACK: Alright, you loony. Bye.

[Chorus of whines disappears into distance]

BRIAN: Right, here goes. What other creatures get a bad press? Oh, yeah, spiders! I'll go find a spider and we'll brainstorm some promo concepts.

[Small single whine]

Hey! Hi, there, Mr Spider?

SPIDER: Yes, little fly?

BRIAN: I was wondering whether you fancied talking about tweaking your image and -

SPIDER: [Huge gulping noise] Mmmm. Eating flies. It's all part of Nature's eternal quadrille. Tasty, tasty quadrille.

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Otterfox

  • Tuesday 30th October 2018, 11:55pm
  • Tipperary, Ireland
  • 1,029 posts

HISTORIES MYSTERIES.

RADIO PRESENTER:
Good evening and welcome to another edition of Reginald Heath's Histories Mysteries. As always I'm your host Reginald Heath...s brother Ray Heath - good evening. Tonight we're going to stumble back through the annals of time and trip over some intriguing events indeed. In fact this is a unique occasion as you find me standing on quite auspicious ground. You see the feet belonging to the body that is talking to you now is firmly planted in the one and only Woodraven Park. A park so auspish that it has been closed to the public for the past ninety years. The government has very strict no-access security measures in place here but luckily we were granted access by a pine marten who ate his way through some wire on our behalf.

Many strange and momentous events were believed to have taken place here and I felt that breaking into the park to tell you about them directly from source could best outline them.

The first case is of full-time lay-about and part-time scarecrow Redmond Skillet. In 1794 Redmond sat under this mighty oak and began thinking about crows and ways of scaring them. As he hit upon the idea of roaring into their nests he stretched and cracked his knuckles. It may have seemed innocuous at the time but this was the first time in history that anyone had cracked their knuckles out of habit and not as a result of walloping them off a barn door or getting trampled on by a horse. Suddenly, yet very slowly Redmond became acutely aware of his discovery and ran to the village to spread the news.

The next story is of one of the nineteenth century's most beautiful women. Lady Valentina Boccanero would swan about in her walled garden just a few hundred metres from here. Unfortunately we couldn't gain access as sometimes pine martens are useless and just not up to the challenge. It was in this walled garden on 18th May 1879 that Lady Valentina, unbeknownst to her, was about to accomplish a world record. You see, a Milanese tailor who had an infatuation with her sent her a chest of summer dresses. Amongst these was a light dress with elasticated fibre that lend itself well to flouncing for if there was one thing that this tailor loved it was the flounce of a young lady. She sauntered around the shrubs and trees, spinning as she went. Mid-spin the wind picked up, which rose her dress eighteen feet in the air. A record to this day for any dress. She found herself dangling from a tree, her dress all but ripped to shreds. It took all of nine seconds for a couple of dozen men to arrive and assist her in clambering out of her record.

The third event involves that of the elusive tartan duck. Once just believed to be the result of a drunken Scotsman's ramblings, it is now widely believed that the duck did indeed exist and the only reported grounded sightings place them in the very lake that I wade through now. The ducks plumage had an unusual plaid design, which allowed them safe passage through Scotland when they would; strangely, fly north to frigid climes for the winter. As a result the mortality rate was high and their numbers were low. In the summer of '22 a male returned to the lake, being monogamous squared he waited for his two mates, amongst others to arrive. After a month he was still the only tartan duck to return, he was the last of his species. He drowned himself in the lake in August of that same year.

So there you have it. Three fascinating tal-

FX. DISTANT SHOUTING.

RAY: Can you hear something?

TOM: That pine marten is pointing over at us.

RAY: Who are the suits with him? It's MI5! The bastards after tipping them off! Quick, run out of the lake!

TOM: I'm swimming for it!

RAY: I can't swim! Here, help me run to the surface!

TOM: No way!

VOICE (GRUFFLY): Grab him!

RAY TRIES TO SPEAK CALMLY BUT IS OBVIOUSLY BEEN LED AWAY AS SOUNDS OF BEING DRAGGED OVER GRAVEL AND THROWN INTO A CAR ARE HEARD AS HE SPEAKS.

RAY: (GRAVEL) Three fascinating tales from a truly wonderous location....

(THROWN INTO CAR) It's been an amazing adventure but we must bid you adieu....

(CAR DOOR CLOSED) (VOICE IS MORE DISTANT) Until next week, I've been Ray Cassidy and this has been Reginald Cassidy's Histories Myst-

FX: CAR SPEEDING AWAY.

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Patrick Robinson

  • Wednesday 31st October 2018, 10:20pm
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 141 posts

Recommended reading for your time off work:

How to reduce teacher workload, by MARK LESS

How to fill up spare time
by LOU SEND.

Solving Bladder problems by
ANITA PEA

How to be a garden thief by
NICK LAWN

A history of Communication signals by ANNA LOG

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 1st November 2018, 11:20am [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,385 posts

WHAT'S COME OVER YOU?

LIGHTS OFF.

V/O Hello this is Patrick Moore, tonight Venus is coming over the sun...

LIGHTS ON - nude man looking at newspaper, rubbing himself.

V/O I said 'Venus'.

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gappy

  • Friday 2nd November 2018, 3:28pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,080 posts

Some good old-fashioned gags from Pat & Mick, but it's Otterfox this week.

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Otterfox

  • Sunday 4th November 2018, 10:38pm
  • Tipperary, Ireland
  • 1,029 posts

That lad Gappy gets my vote too.