British Comedy Guide

Learning to ride



  • Friday 19th October 2018, 10:53am
  • Southport, United Kingdom
  • 15 posts

3rd attempt at writing a stand up joke it's still very much like a story but it seems to be how I prefer doing it

Okay so my mum and sisters youse to have horses I decided for some reason I'm gonna get myself a horse learn to ride it and where gonna go out on family hacks together and it's going to be fun. Well I decided I wanted the fastest horse not only in the family but in the whole village. So I went and viewed a horse called bunny now bunny was Thoroughbred for anybody who doesn't no what a Thoroughbred is well it's a race horse and not only are they youse to running as fast as they can for as long as they can there also trained to want to win at anything and everything just like me so I bought bunny. I took here back to the yard where my mum and sisters kept there horses and over a couple of weeks I learned to ride well I say ride I actually mean I learned to stay on it's back. Well folks this is the reason I'll never get on a horses back again and I mean NEVER. So I finally decided I'm ready to go on this family hack and don't forget it's going to be fun that's the whole reason I'm doing this so we go to the yard get the horses ready and we go out on my first ever hack We walk the horses to a long flat 2 mile straight which youse to be the old train line on the right there's a large wide stinking ditch and on the left there's a huge hedge running right the way along this hedge must be about 15 ft high my sister suggests that we should do something called trotting any one who doesn't no what trotting is it's basically one speed up from a walk. So me my mum and 2 sisters all start doing this thing called trotting but what I didn't realise about my horse called bunny when I bough her was she was fresh of the god dam track. So she stats getting faster and faster and next thing ino I'm at the front and getting further ahead I can here my mum shouting slow down I look over my shoulder and realise I'm about 20 yards away from them and I think to myself right not a problem I'll slow down so I pulled the reins which are the breaks but for some reason my horse speeds up so I pull them again a little harder this time this makes my horse go into a full on race mode and she goes into a gallop. I'm starting to panic now I start shouting what do I do but the winds blowing and I'm getting further away so I can't here my mum or my sisters shouting I pull the reins again a lot harder this time this is when my horse decided it can run a lot faster with out me on it's back so she throws here head down and rips the rains out my hands at this point Im like Jesus take the wheel I'm out of here I go to jump off but at this point my horse must be doing about 30 mph and I hesitate all of a sudden it does something called a buck and I'm no longer in the saddle I'm on it's neck I'm thinking to myself okay okay iv got this seen as Jesus must be engaged with something else I'll have to sort it my self I slide down the horses neck and get into the saddle but I'm facing the wrong end of the horse now I'm really worried I try to turn back round and my horse bucks again this time I take off right towards the huge hedge I think to myself at least it not that nasty ditch that dam hedge was like a spring board and it propelled me backwards down the embankment and straight into what I can only describe as shit water but I didn't wanna get out of the shit water because the horse was waiting for me and I could tell by the look in it eyes it wanted to do the whole bastard experience again