British Comedy Guide

b 13 - 21.10.18

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 13th October 2018, 10:05am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,385 posts

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to GAPPY and CRINDY for winkin'. PM me with a subject for next wank please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - Patrick

Your next topic is SHOPPING.
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of testes, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 21.10.18.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 25 - Crindy
2 - 20 - Gappy
3 - 15 - Patrick
4 - 5 - Otterfox

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gappy

  • Monday 15th October 2018, 8:23pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,080 posts

JOHN: Alright, Steve?

STEVE: Yeah, I guess. You OK, John?

JOHN: OK, calm down, I've worked out how to make us our millions.

STEVE: Make our what?

JOHN: Yeah, you reckon, Einstein! Check out my idea: labels on things.

STEVE: What things?

JOHN: Thought you'd never ask. So, my nan, right, she's got this pad, and she writes her shopping lists on it. But, right, at the top, it says "Chopin Liszt". Composers. And there's all notes and that on it. So, we do that. Professional musicians are the wealthiest people around, so we sell them that.

STEVE: Pads saying Chopin Liszt?

JOHN: No, you floppy mortal. Other composers. Like Schoenberg or Britten.

STEVE: Schoenberg Britten. Does that make sense? What's the pad for?

JOHN: Not on a pad. Use your brain. On a rubber ring.

STEVE: A dog chew?

JOHN: Oh em gee whizz, you're such a rubbish business dragon. The sort you throw to men overboard.

STEVE: Schoenberg Britten? Not sure I...

JOHN: Well, say you had a mate called Sean, and say you were on a cruise, and say Sean fell into the water and you threw him a ring, he'd be a Seanberg, which is like an iceberg - you're sailing near the Arctic, I forgot to say - but made of Sean.

STEVE: Right. And Britten?

JOHN: Well, Sean's obviously an Irishman, so you're saving his life on behalf of good old Great Britain, UK: no charge, paddy, for stopping you drowning, but here's a little joke, as a bonus!

STEVE: Seems far-fetched.

JOHN: Alright, fair enough. So, let's say you have a goldfish, right, normal enough? Where would you keep it?

STEVE: Errr, fishtank?

JOHN: Yeah - or, as I put it, Glass Cage!

STEVE: It's not really a cage. A cage has bars. The water would fall out.

JOHN: It's close enough. And, it clearly refers to Philip Glass and John Cage.

STEVE: Nobody would work that out. And I've never heard of them.

JOHN: Fine. How about a sign saying Verdi Purcell? You could use it when you couldn't find your washing powder.

STEVE: How would you know where to hang it?

JOHN: On the Haydn Handel! Which opens the door where you hide things from...yourself. I've got a sign for that too. And one for someone who tangles up bootlaces. Guess that one!

STEVE: Just tell me.

JOHN: Ravel Schumann! So, I reckon we need about 50 thousand to get started. You in?

STEVE: No. Most definitely not. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go out, I've a lot to do today.

JOHN: The Bizet man has to make a Fauré ? You're absolutely Mendelssohn. [BEAT] Yeah, alright, this is shit. Back to the mugging?

STEVE: Seems best, John, seems best.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 20th October 2018, 5:38pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,385 posts

Least stressful place to work must be a brothel. Those guys never have much on.
They sold me a phoney set of scales. Never gotta weigh with it.
I just bought some curtains, Venetian blinds and shutters. I like window-shopping.
Geri and Mel B are now working at the baker's. The Slice Girls.
Mel C and Emma are now working in genetic engineering. The Splice Girls.
Victoria's doing f**k all. She's shit.
How does Meryl Streep know what to buy U2? Postcards from the Edge.
What did the newsagent say to the psychiatrist? I've got issues.
I work at the baker's. I knead the dough.
I bought some meat and bread. Who the f**k needs candles too?
My brother steals from sweet shops... Takes all sorts.
What's the difference between adult cinema and female celebrities? The cinema won't let minors come inside.
Why didn't Berlusconi buy oil? It could be virgin.
Sarah Jessica Parker advertising sexy lingerie. Sorry, that's like Stephen Hawking advertising ski-ing holidays.
I don't trust zoos. They're cagey.

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Otterfox

  • Sunday 21st October 2018, 11:59pm [Edited]
  • Tipperary, Ireland
  • 1,029 posts

INT. LECTURE ROOM. DAY.

LECTURER:
Two! Here for the shopping course - excellent. Does anyone know what shopping is? No? Shopping? Shop-ping?

ANDREW:
B-buying stuff.

LECTURER:
Buying stuff? Yes. That is one aspect of it certainly. But did you know there are 23 other facets to shopping and these skills are being rapidly forgotten. If we don't act soon we may well forget how to shop and society as we know it will collapse.

ANDREW:
But with the advancement of online shopping and the ease of which we can purchase we are now shopping more than we ever did.

LECTURER:
Exactly my point. Did everyone else hear that? The advancement of online shopping is ruining and destroying our ability to shop.

TOM:
So shopping more is causing us to forget how to do it?

LECTURER:
Precisely. Have you ever heard the saying 'more is less'.

TOM:
No.

LECTURER:
You must be familiar with its connotations then. More shopping online is causing us to have less of an ability to physically shop- physically. This may seem to have little consequence in the grand scheme of things but consider the animal kingdom.

ANDREW:
Why?

LECTURER:
Because I want you to. There's been an underground movement happening for years.

TOM:
Underground movement in the animal kingdom? That would just be moles wouldn't it?

LECTURER:
No, it would not. Did you know that the average rabbit read four books last year - all of them in the area of retail. Squirrels were spotted just miles from here using a shopping trolley to collect their nuts and a wildlife camera caught a family of meercats minting their own coins! The world is drastically changing and we're too busy with our phones and tablets to even notice.

Let me demonstrate how inept at selling we have become. I need a volunteer. Hmm...lets see....I'll...take.....you. Whats your name?

ANDREW:
Andrew.

LECTURER:
Ok Andrew, I want you to sell me this pen.

ANDREW: (Sheepish)
Ah...would you like to buy this pen?

LECTURER: (Very Enthusiastic)
Yeah, definitely!!

LECTURER HANDS OVER MONEY STRAIGHT AWAY.

LECTURER: (CNTD)
Ok, that wasn't a good example. Granted, it was a lovely pen and he had a great manner about him; like a young Terry Wogan. Let's try another volunteer.

HE LOOKS AROUND FOR SEVERAL SECONDS BEFORE PICKING THE OTHER ATTENDEE.

LECTURER:
How about you? Whats your name?

TOM:
Tom.

LECTURER:
Top?

TOM:
No, it's Tom.

LECTURER:
Tusk?

TOM:
Tom. T-O-M, Tom.

LECTURER:
Alright Tom Tom Tom sell me this pencil.

TOM:
Would you like to buy this pencil?

LECTURER:
No way! Yuch!

TOM:
It's perfect for gripping, it has a lovely weight to it and it feels so comfortable in your hand when you write and draw.

LECTURER:
I can't.

TOM:
Of course you can. This will be the best investment you make today.

LECTURER: (UPSET)
I can't you insensitive prick! I've been mugged!! They took everything, even my boxers.

LECTURER PUT HEAD IN HANDS.

TOM:
I'm very sor-

LECTURER: (TEACHING MODE)
See, Turt here has forgotten the seventh rule of selling: 'Never don't know what didn't not happen to the buyer of the thing you didn't sell. Thanks very much Tulf for getting it all wrong.

Let me see how I fare. What would you say if I asked you buy this piece of fluff?

ANDREW:
I'd say no.

LECTURER:
Exact- What!? Would you?

ANDREW:
Yeah, what use is that?

LECTURER:
Correct so far. But what if I told you that this used to be my pet hamster and when he died I couldn't bare to have him stuffed so I had him fluffed instead. The only way I'll remember him is if I sell off all his bits and make money from a hamster death.

ANDREW:
I'd definitely say no to that. Jesus!

LECTURER:
What!?.....Yes exactly. But do you see the lengths I'm going to. It's the mindset of a seller. When I say physically buying I mean mentally. It's only when you buy something physically that it becomes physically bought. Never buy with your mind. Just a little trick to remember.
Now, buy this (he smiles for a split second) Buy this smile (split second smile again) People, we need to be at that level to survive....do you understand? Ye don't!

HE STARTS LOSING IT AND PULLS OUT A GUN.

LECTURER:
Lads!! What am I going to do with you at all!? No-one understands! We're all doomed, DOOMED! I may as well side with the animals. There's a field of cows out there, I'll teach them.

HE RUNS THROUGH THE CORRIDOR WITH GUN IN HAND SHOUTING 'COWS' REPEATEDLY. HE HOPS THE GATE FIRES A COUPLE OF SHOTS INTO THE AIR WHICH SPOOKS THE COWS. THEY STAMPEDE AND TRAMPLE HIM.

HE RE-ENTERS THE LECTURE HALL BATTERED AND BROKEN.

LECTURER:
That was the sense of urgency I was looking for. Now, any questions?

END.

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gappy

  • Monday 22nd October 2018, 10:08am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,080 posts

It's Otter time.

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Otterfox

  • Monday 22nd October 2018, 8:44pm
  • Tipperary, Ireland
  • 1,029 posts

I loved some of Mikey Monkhouse's puns. Particularly the sweet shop/ takes all sorts one but Gappy had a nice structure to his and he did save an Irishman and my son is called Seán so it's Gappy for me on this occasion.