British Comedy Guide

hjntztj 29-9 - 7.10.18

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 29th September 2018, 11:42am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,385 posts

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to GAPPY and CRINDY for winkin'. PM me with a subject for next wank please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Crindy
1 - 5 - Otterfox

Your next topic is TEENAGERS (suggested by Gappy).
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of testes, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 7.10.18.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 25 - Crindy
2 - 10 - Gappy, Patrick
3 - 5 - Ottherfox

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gappy

  • Monday 1st October 2018, 7:36pm [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,080 posts

1: [SUNG] Her name is Noelle

2: Did you say Noelle?

1: Yeah.

2: Noelle??

1: Yes, that's her name. [SUNG] I have a dream about her.

2: Just to check, is that like, Noel Edmunds, only female?

1: I guess, I'd not really -

2: Never heard that one before.

1: It's not really the central point.

2: Sorry, carry on.

1: [SUNG] She rings my bell.

2: She's a campanologist?

1: No. It's an idiom.

2: It's not, though.

1: Yeah, alright, but it sounds like it could be. And you can guess what it means.

2: I suppose. It's just, you've already thrown me with the whole Noelle thing, so...

1: Honestly, that is not my main thrust.

2: Pardon me.

1: [SUNG] I've gym class in half an hour.

2: Have you?

1: No. But, in the song. Then. That's what I'm, sort of...

2: Sure, sure, it's just...slip-ups like that make me even more dubious about the Noelle thing. Because, basically, that's not a name.

1: Would you mind? [SUNG] Oh, how she rocks.

2: *Did* rock.

1: [SUNG] In Keds and tube socks.

2: I'm just going to act like they're real words, save time.

1: [SUNG] But she doesn't know who I am.

2: Hold on.

1: What?

2: It's N-O-E-L-L-E? Is that what you're-

1: Yes! Yes, Noelle, her name is Noelle. Admittedly it's unusual.

2: It's not a name. That's why. It's not unusual. It's mental.

1: Regardless, can I please finish the story?

2: Yes. Course. Sorry.

1: OK. [SUNG] And she doesn't give a damn about me [BUILDING TO THE BIG CHORUS] 'Cos I-

2: Hey! Good one. Yeah, she'd never heard of you, couldn't care less, but you, you were intrigued. Because of her name. Which is Noelle.

1: No! That's not what I'm, saying, it's because -

2: Cool story bro. Anyway, better run, otherwise we'll be late for gym class. [TUT] Oh, you crack me up: Noelle, crazy. OK, see you!

1: Hnnngh, that guy is such a...dirtbag.

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Tiggy

  • Tuesday 2nd October 2018, 9:30pm
  • Reading, England
  • 188 posts

I walked through the wrong door at the job centre today. There were several people interviewing applicants for the position of "Teenager".

They asked "You want to be a teenager do you?"
I said "No".
"Great response!" they said.
"You can't make me!" I replied.
"You're hired!!" they said.
So I shouted "You're not listening! I hate you!! I wish I'd never been born!!!"

I'm now on £50,000 per year with as many Red Bulls and Doritos as I can eat.

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Patrick Robinson

  • Friday 5th October 2018, 7:47am
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 141 posts

Over the decades, music for young people seems to be getting smaller:

Early 1990s: House
Late 1990s: Garage
Now: Drill

Next: Chuck

What is Chuck? Glad you asked:

All tracks are one minute short, use samples of old Nokia ringtones and don't actually exist. Artists will wear grey, double breasted suits and be called names like
St 8,
Layzeee Argument,
Down Low-d the 3rd and
Spinning Jenny

Rather than music sales, the Chuck charts are decided on the total value of sponsorship contracts each artist can get. It's going to be bare ace like a fridge in an engine so get with the wrecking clique.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 6th October 2018, 3:14pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,385 posts

CATCH HER IN THE RYE

Séance. A MEDIUM:

MEDIUM Mmmm... Yes, it's coming, tee hee... I've got J D Salinger, recluse, literary legend and teen-bonker. Mr Salinger, greetings.

SALINGER All right geezer?

MEDIUM In 1996 you semi-emerged re reprinting 'Hapworth 16, 1924', but it was dumped quicker than a chicken vindaloo. Mainly because it is like anal sex: it is f**king shit.

SALINGER F**k off. I mean - in 1996 I experienced an epiphany that set me meditating before my death - not after, that'd be difficult - and yes, I finally discovered the answer.

MEDIUM And can you share the fruits?

SALINGER No.

MEDIUM Okay, fine.

SALINGER Well if you insist... The answer is: Sporty Spice.

(nervous murmurs)

MEDIUM We're shocked, Sal. We expected Ginger or Posh.

SALINGER We live in a superficial world, and whilst Ginge was a bit of all right, the fun stopped there, like you'd give her a good seeing-to then go about your business like nothing'd happened. She was knocking on a bit too - Ginger Spice? Old Spice, more like - that's a little joke.

MEDIUM But surely Vix was shaggablest?

SALINGER Yeah, worth a poke and a soak back in the day, but Jeez, these days I'd rather do David. She did a photo shoot, the photos were actual thickness. She's a right media slag too, 'Ooh look at me, I'm rogering a footballer, got me tongue up Roland Mouret's jacksie, no wonder he's full of shit!'

MEDIUM Please!... Let us now turn our attention to Baby.

SALINGER Don't do it for me. Dunno, she's all right I guess - pretty fit in the 'Free Me' vid, just...

MEDIUM And Scary?

SALINGER Let me finish! This is why I shun interviewers, you ask difficult questions then don't let me answer... Emma? Well some birds push all the right buttons but don't get yer juices flowin'. Sorry, Bunty!... And now, yerse! - Scary. Not very Scary was she? If I could choose between a sex offender here, another sex offender here, and a third member of the Catholic church here - or that fairly bonkable bird Mel...

MEDIUM But why Mel C? She was considered the least wankworthy...

SALIINGER By 'Sun' readers - so it must be true. Look, first the Spice Ladies weren't that shagsome - you wanted them to be 'cos you'd switch on MTV and get ten titties instead of Nirvana - and Sporty was least likely to stiffen your salami, unless you had a thing about PE teachers. But later she became, technically speaking, a total dream-boat, real horn fodder. That Frank Skinner interview on Youtube makes me dribble like a vicar in a Kindergarten. Yet Melanie flaunts a distinctive, natural, endlessly fascinating eroticism. I'd do her anyway. Can Madonna honestly say she's remotely 'Like a Virgin'? Why does Gaga have to act spazzy or wear veal or bloody her thighs before we care? And wtf was Britney pandering to in that dodgy schoolgirl vid? Give me the pure, clean, unadorned sensuality of Melanie any day. And the rest of her. Plus she's enjoyed a steady stream of releases - so do I when I look at her - transcending teenybop origins to become a valid recording artiste. She's what I want, what I really really want.

MEDIUM Thank you, Salinger.

SALINGER F**k off now.

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gappy

  • Monday 8th October 2018, 10:21am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,080 posts

Patrick - pleasingly barmy

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Tiggy

  • Tuesday 9th October 2018, 6:37pm
  • Reading, England
  • 188 posts

Garpy.

Strange name Noelle. I work in childcare. One place had a girl call Noella pronounced No-Ella. We also had a girl called Ella. Very confusing.