Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to PATRICK for winkin'. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 -10 - Patrick
2 - 5 - Frankie, Crindy

Your next topic is WORLD CUP (chosen by Patrick).
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of gums, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl Mel C.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 31.5.18.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 40 - Crindy
2 - 30 - Playfull
3 - 26 - Gappy, Patrick
4 - 6 - me
5 - 5 - Frankie

1: Ah, the World Cup. I love the World Cup. Do you love the World Cup?

2: Which one?

1: Durr, *the* World Cup. Unless there's more than one world all of a sudden!

2: No, I know there's one world, but there are, regardless, lots of cups. Which sport?

1: *The* World Cup. There's only one. Why else would people say "two world wars and one World Cup"?

2: They only say that in a specific context.

1: [CHANT] Two world wars and one World Cup!

2: That's not a different context, it's just louder.

1: Right, so, what, you're claiming there have been more than two world wars? Because that's properly mental.

2: No, I'm not. But I am saying...yes, OK, sure, there's only one World Cup.

1: And do you love it?

2: Let's go with "yes" for now.

1: Me too! Wow.

2: Yes, "wow". So, as this train journey is due to last about four hours more, let's get it over with: which country do you think will win?

1: Country? What are you talking about? It's the *World* Cup.

2: So it is.

1: All the countries can use it! It's a cup big enough for the world. You're a complete - oh my God! I've just realised!

2: You've just realised that there are lots of world cups?

1: No, I've just realised: where the hell are they going to keep it?

2: Perhaps in the World Cupboard?

1: You're just being stupid now.

MOSOW

Putin is topless and he is keeping a ball up in his office as he speaks

PUTIN:
23 -24 -25 So these England football hooligans , is that boxed off? 32-33- 34

LACKY:
Yes Sir! we have ten Spatzna Units on stand by dressed as football fans ready to kick the shit out of them on live TV so that the world can see just how stronger our hooligans are compared to there's.

PUTIN:
44- 45- 46 Make sure they're known thugs, I don't want anyone like doctors or poets being hurt. They have to be racist thugs with a low IQ and a deep seated loathing for anything and everything and possible police records for violence.

LACKY:
Don't worry sir thats guaranteed as we're cross referencing all the names on the passports with that UKIP membership disc that Donald gave you off Nigel as a Christmas present?

PUTIN:
78 -79 -80 Oh yeah , I'm up to so much crazy shit lately that I forget half of it 89-90 -91

LACKY:
Anything else sir?

PUTIN 99- 100 -101 Oh yeah tell the KGB to start an on line campaign going to have me made Liverpool's next goal keeper 'Peoples choice' that type of thing. 110- 111-112........bastard I nearly beat my record.

The ball knocks a lamp over and Putin starts again but in a bad mood.

LACKY:
Will that be all sir?

PUTIN:
Yes 1 - 2-3 No , I'll tell you what, get my Nerds to turn off Britain's got Talent off again for 5 minutes as well 8-9-10

LACKY
I certainly will sir

INT. FIFA BOARDROOM, THE YEAR 2026 - NIGHT

A group of FIFA EXECS sit in luxurious VELVET THRONES at a SOLID GOLD boardroom table. A plethora of gourmet food and drink is laid out in front of them, while nubile SERVANTS wait on their every whim.

CHIEF EXEC
Gentleman, ladies--
(then, glancing around the table)
Oh, well, just gentlemen, I suppose. The 2026 FIFA World Cup was our greatest triumph yet--

EXEC 2
Don't mean to be a pain, but can we please refer to it by the proper title?

CHIEF EXEC
Ah. Yes, of course. As I was saying, Coca Cola™ Presents the 2026 Qatar Airways™ FIFA World Cup in Association with McDonalds™ was our greatest triumph yet. Never before has one single tournament generated so much revenue for the governing body.

EXEC 3
Well, it was a masterstroke of yours to allow a nation with as rich a dubious financial heritage as the Cayman Islands to host it.

CHIEF EXEC
Thank you. And yes, there were some logistical issues in trying to fit the requisite facilities for 48 international football teams onto an island with half the population of Colchester, but I feel we've really made a lasting impression here.

EXEC 2
Absolutely. Now that 90 percent of their contiguous landmass is comprised of enormous, glass-clad football stadiums, I'm sure that the legacy of this tournament is secure.

EXEC 1
Oh yes. Every time a child is blinded by the reflection off one of the stadiums, they'll remember when we were here.

EXEC 2
I mean, the attendance was a tad disappointing. But it's not exactly our fault that the average Gabonese football fan can't find the time to set aside twelve thousand dollars for the flights, hotel costs, matchday ticket and supplementary pass into the Budweiser™ Fan Zone Powered By Gazprom™.

EXEC 1
Plus, once we found out we could just CGI a crowd into any stadium we wanted for the TV pictures, it didn't really matter.

CHIEF EXEC
Exactly. But I reckon that in four years time, we can make Coca Cola™ Presents the 2030 Qatar Airways™ FIFA World Cup in Association with McDonalds™ even more of a glowing success.

EXEC 2
Even more of a celebration of the world's favourite sport?

CHIEF EXEC
Well, no. But with a few new rules, we can double the revenue we receive from sponsors, despotic regimes and cash-rich oligarchs the world over!

EXEC 1
I'm in!

CHIEF EXEC
Now, the good news is that the host nation is already sorted.

EXEC 2
It was very nice of Kim Jong Un to step in like that with exactly the sort of bid we wanted.

EXEC 1
Yep. We've counted it, and it's all there.

EXEC 2
And he's promised not to let such trifling matters as widespread malnutrition and a worryingly high mortality rate among poorly remunerated construction workers to stand in the way of getting twenty four brand new stadiums built in the next four years.

EXEC 1
In fact, if anything, he's said all that'll help.

CHIEF EXEC
Excellent. Now we just need to push through our plans to expand the tournament to 72 teams.

EXEC 1
Perfect! More matches, more revenue streams, and a tournament that would last the best part of three months! What's not to love?

EXEC 2
And there's no chance that might dilute the quality of the product?

CHIEF EXEC
Absolutely not. The crowds will flock in to watch a crunch game between Panama and Uzbekistan at Pyongyang Stadium to see which team automatically qualifies from third place in their second group stage table, and which team ends up in a two-legged inter-group playoff for the right to a spot in the next group stage.

EXEC 1
And if they don't, we'll just CGI them in.

EXEC 2
Well, when you put it like that, I'm sold!

EXEC 1
And with this newly-expanded format, we might even get to see Scotland qualify!

CHIEF EXEC
Well, hang on. We're not miracle workers.

THE END

1: Welcome back!
2: Ah, cheers man.
1: How was Thailand? Did you set sunburnt, scuba diving, sun bed, safari?
2: Was that a question?
1: Okay look okay, I know you have just got back but please, five people have tried to start a conversation with me about the f**king World Cup this morning. Please do me the courtesy of not talking about it. Okay?
2: I was in no way looking to have a conversation with you, World Cup or otherwise. I strongly dislike talking to you...
1: There are so many more important things in the world than watching 22 Nigerian men run around a fibre glass amphitheatre whilst people chant the Thomas the tank engine theme song. Sorry but it's madness. Do you know how much Pepsi are paying Lionel Messi to drink their shit and kick a ball around a curiously clean South American slum with a bunch of kids? Guess! Have a guess!
2: What the f**k are you talking about, how can there be 22 Nigerian men on the pitch when it's an international tournament? That would mean Nigeria are playing themselves, AND they didn't even qualify!
1: 6 million, you filthy Jew.
2: Nice, very tasteful
1: Are we are supposed to sit back sipping his Pepsi whilst little Lionel milks us dry like the sheep we are. Sipping his Pepsi while he ships our hard earned cash back to his beloved Nigeria, not before skimming another 10% off the top in export duty might I add.
2: Really? You think Lionel Messi is Nigerian?
1: I know he is.
2: You're a f**king idiot. And how can he skim 10% off export duty. Lionel Messi would pay export duty on any goods shipped to Nigeria, but that wouldn't apply to a simple financial transaction.
1: Right.
2: I never imagined that'd be a sentence I'd of said today.
1: I guess that makes sense.
2: You have a degree in business and a masters in intellectual property law do you not? How can you not of known this?
1: Open up google would you please.
2: No
1: Do me the courtesy of popping open a web browser of your choice and navigating your way to google.
2: Why?
1: Chrome is good, Opera is fine. I only use Internet explorer at work because...
2: Okay, google is open, what do you want me to type?
1: Search for this Nigel Messi please.
2: Lionel Messi and okay fine. Now what?
1: Does he have a Wikipedia page?
2: Of course he has a f**king Wikipedia page.
1: Look under birth for me. Okay, does it say where he's born?
2: It does?
1: *smiles*
2: What are you smiling at?
1: And what does it say?
2: Rosario, Argentina, 1987?
1: Ah shit, I was certain it was Lagos, Nigeria.
2: Jesus Christ, I can't believe you attempted to prove me wrong like that. You were so confident as well.
1: I was convinced that because I am convinced he's Nigerian that it would say Nigerian on his page because I was certain of that being true. Like how if you really want to win your chances of winning the lottery are better than if you don't care.
2: You live in such a weird alternate reality. Where on earth did you go to University?
1: I do. Yes. From Edinburgh, which is within Scotland if I recall.
2: And how many years were you there?
1: You know 4?
2: As in, have I heard of the number 4?
1: Yeah!
2: Of course I've heard of 4!
1: Well there you are then. 4 years I was there.
2: Okay, you were there 4 years and you aren't even certain it's in Scotland?
1: I said, "if I recall", in case they moved the border. You know what countries are like with these border disputed. I don't want to say myself something that people would deem stupid, so I slipped in that little get out clause in case I was mistaken.
2: You don't want to sound stupid yet you just asked me if I'd heard of the number 4.
1: And you had, you specky little asylum seeker!
2: That's really offensive and just to clarify there is no border dispute between Scotland and England.
1: Oh bullshit, read a newspaper man. Get some facts. Ever heard of a Nicola Sturgeon? She might think to beg to differ with you on that buster because last time I checked Scotland was Gortex'd up to the hilt ready to blow up the land bridge to England not before taking Carlyle, Hartlepool and Harrogate with them. Don't tell me I'm wrong pal.
2: You're more than wrong. You are wrong about everything. And if the world of your bizarre fantasies comes to fruition and Nicola Sturgeon invades Northern England before blowing up some 100 miles of land thus separating the two countries by presumably an extremely shallow moat, how would that effect whether Edinburgh was part of Scotland or not?
1: Well...That was a pretty comprehensive tear down of my musings there. I'm starting to feel somewhat of a fool for uttering such nonsense.
2: Good
1: Look at me, I'm 28 and I have no real understanding of worldly affairs. I'm pathetic really. A loser, who doesn't know his arse or elbows.
2: I'm actually quite glad you are finally realising this.
1: An up jumped jump start, a steak and ale twat perhaps.
2: Okay, that's enough. Don't be too hard on yourself.
1: NO! F**k this, go to Google. Go to Google now and type in Edinburgh, because Sturgeon is up to no good I know it!
2: Jesus Christ.
1: She is! Go to Wikipedia man. I'm telling you, you can't trust these Nigerian women. If they are not milking us dry they're taking our land, look it up!

POST MATCH INTERVIEW.

PRESENTER (DAVE):
Welcome back to our exclusive World Cup coverage, shared evenly with just four other channels...but we're that little bit more even than the rest of them. Now, in case you've just joined us you're after missing practically everything. It finished one each which means it was a great result for neither party. Now Frank Mortimer has joined me from the gantry and...and I'm afraid I'm going to have to interrupt myself to say that Nick has Kyle Anderson with him. Over to you Nick and thank you for cutting me off.

INTERVIEWER:
You're very welcome. So Kyle it finished one all. Do you feel that's a fair result all things considered?

KYLE:
Well I actually haven't considered all things, but of the things I have considered maybe a closer draw would have been a fairer reflection.

INT:
Ok.. well you seem to be two very evenly matched sides. Would you share that view?

KYLE:
I suppose so. I mean, I felt we dominated the first half but so did they and again in the second half.

INT:
At what point did you realise it was going to end in a stalemate?

KYLE:
Well, for me personally I knew when the final whistle blew that that was pretty much it.

INT:
And you seemed to be up for todays game. You gave a good display in the centre of the park.

KYLE:
Oh well you know, we have a great bunch of lads, they always give 110% we have a great manager who prepared us well for todays game. We were happy to come away with a draw. It's another point on the board at the end of the day.

INT:
You're definitely not our man-of-the-match but thanks for joining us anyway.
Back to you in the studio.

DAVE AND STEVE IN STUDIO.

PRESENTER (DAVE):
So what did you make of Kyles performance today?

STEVE:
I thought it was solid but a little patchy in places. I just picked out a clip that I feel illustrates this...

CUT TO CLIP OF INTERVIEW KYLE JUST GAVE.

STEVE:
Here we see where he's asked when he realised it would end in a stalemate.
We can quite clearly see he takes his eyes off the interviewer. He can't afford lapses in concentration like that. Having said that he's young and it's still early in the tournament so I think that will develop as we progress.
Again with the final question we see him looking away. He tries to make up for this but I feel maybe that he didn't hear the question properly and just replied with a bunch of cliched answers.
Maybe in an international friendly you can get away with this but on the grandest stage everything is going to be spotted.

DAVE NODS IN AGREEMENT.

DAVE:
Thanks for that. We still have much more to come after the break. We hear from both managers and don't forget to enter our interview-of-the-tournament competition. Here's a little taster of what to expect..

CUT TO INTERVIEW WITH ANOTHER PLAYER.

PLAYER:
We know we should have won but we didn't really know what to expect. It was like playing chess with a duck out there.

CUT TO PLAYER 2.

PLAYER 2:
You may say we lost possession cheaply but possession is nine-tenths of the law. We prefer the whole law.....ten-tenths.

CUT TO PLAYER 3.

PLAYER 3:
(RAPID) Look, we're not going to open a tin of beans with our hands and we're not going to roll over and die over that tin of beans. Truth be told I don't even like beans but at the end of the day if it's the difference between winning or losing I might have one or two of them.

KNOWING SMILE TO THE CAMERA AND WINK.

END.

Dear Russia, ideas for World Cup opening ceremony:

1. Bare chested Putin wrestling a bear to the music of "Poison" by the Prodigy.
2. Roman Abromovich firing out rolls of money to the crowd with a canister gun.
3. Sting to sing "Russians" and Shaggy to join him (like for the Queen's do).
4. Lookalikes for Lenin, Stalin and Trotsky in a three way tug of war, with the rope on fire. Before getting knocked out by tennis balls to the head by Sharapova.

£50 per idea. £150 the lot.

Visa to Gulag for you my boy

Otterfox.
CONVERSATION WITH A BLACKADDER FAN
We sometimes have these parties...
Really? The long winter evenings must just fly by.
We have a bit to drink...
Really? The long winter evenings must just fly by.
There's some good music too.
Really? The long winter evenings must just fly by.
Sometimes my mate comes too.
Really? The long winter evenings must just fly by.
He'll tell these jokes.
I thank God I wore my corset because I think my sides have split.
They're pretty cheesy...
I thank God I wore my corset because I think my sides have split.
But funny.
I thank God I wore my corset because I think my sides have split.
I laugh, anyway.
I thank God I wore my corset because I think my sides have split.
At least he tries.
I thank God I wore my corset because I think my sides have split.
Still, they're good times.
Yes, the long winter evenings must just fly by. And I thank God I wore my corset because I think my sides have split. And the long winter evenings must just fly by. The long winter evenings, that is. They must just fly by. Just fly by. Fly by. Yes, the long winter evenings must just fly by. I thank God I wore my corset because I think my sides have split. And the long winter evenings must just fly by.

Very good level of entries. Impressed with the work put in.

Otterfox for me, delightful nonsense...chess with a Duck...

Strong week. Runners up are Crindy, whose sketch is probably objectively the best, but a little on the nose for my tastes, and LazySusan, who made me laugh most with individual lines, but overall I also vote Otterfox, a strong concept with plenty of interesting stuff around the edge.

PS No idea what the Blackadder stuff is all about.

Otterfox for me as well. Nice to see new faces getting involved!

Quote: gappy @ 1st June 2018, 1:44 PM

PS No idea what the Blackadder stuff is all about.

View original

I think Michael just wanted to write in Blackadder's voice, as an exercise...that or his meds need adjusting...

Quote: Crindy @ 1st June 2018, 1:54 PM

Nice to see new faces getting involved!

View original

Careful...don't scare them off.

Quote: playfull @ 1st June 2018, 2:00 PM

I think Michael just wanted to write in Blackadder's voice, as an exercise...that or his meds need adjusting...

View original

The long winter evenings must just fly by. I thank God I wore my corset because I think my sides have split. Yes, the long winter evenings must just fly by. I thank God I wore my corset because I think my sides have split. And the long winter evenings must just fly by.

Quote: gappy @ 1st June 2018, 1:44 PM

S
PS No idea what the Blackadder stuff is all about.

View original

Well, I thank God I wore my corset because I think my sides have split. And yes, the long winter evenings must just fly by. And I thank God I wore my corset because I think my sides have split. And the long winter evenings must just fly by.

Otterfox by a country mile for me .