British Comedy Guide

Slinkycramp 1 - 9.2.18

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 1st February 2018, 1:21pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 3,286 posts

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to PLAYFULL for winkin'. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank pleased.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 -10 - Playfull
1 - 5 - Gappy, Otterfox

Your next topic is OPEN as Newsjack, like my dick, rears its head.
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of gums, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl Mel C.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 9.2.18.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 40 - Playfull
2 - 30 - Gappy
3 - 5 - me, Crindy, Otterfox

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Frankie Mildly Perturbed

  • Friday 2nd February 2018, 12:03am [Edited]
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 5,312 posts

3 hander. An empty street outside the pub. Night.

OPENING TIME

Narrator:
I'll put this marker in so's I gets first crack. Is it open yet? The pub silly... What do you mean, you never did this before, and you're asking me to grip you tight with my thighs, well.. I know it's an old jo.. oh, wait a minute, landlord's about to open..

There seemed to be a howling wind blowing somewhere, is it coming from inside the pub? A cat screeched at two boys on bicycles and a running man stopped abruptly at the pub door, totally oblivious to the forces within..

Man:
Phew, I can't wait to get a pint down me..

Narrator:
The man looks to camera, nods, winks then enters the pub and is immediately drenched in a deluge of stale beer... and by a howling wind, to boot.

Man:
Well, landlord do all your 'gusts' treat your guests in this manner? ..but either way, I could do with another pint..

Narrator:
And the author of this play, he's standing stage left, has just stated that he is in fact, '..saying nothing..' This might mean he has nothing to say, or that he has plenty to say, but isn't saying any of it.

Man:
Erm, and my pint?

Narrator:
And mine?

<The landlord pokes his head around the pub door>

Landlord:
And mine?

Narrator:
At this point we really need more from the author but as stated, he is '..saying nothing..' <sighs loudly>

END

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 2nd February 2018, 5:24pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 3,286 posts

First time I tried anal, something cracked.

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gappy

  • Saturday 3rd February 2018, 10:23am
  • Oxford, England
  • 1,906 posts

1: Alright, Gladys. You're looking chipper.

2: Indeed I am, Ralph. I ticked something off my bucket list today.

1: Cor, well done, that's brilliant. I mean, just last month you said you'd never made a bucket list.

2: I know. So I did, and I've now ticked something off. In fact, I've ticked everything off.

1: What? In one month?

2: Yes. Well, I have to be honest, there was only actually one thing on it.

1: Oh. Right. Still, good for you. What was it? Must have been something pretty special, to be the only thing on your bucket list.

2: Indeed. It was "tick something off my bucket list".

1: Your bucket list consisted solely of ticking something off your bucket list?

2: Yep.

1: That's pointless. Why?

2: So that people like you don't keep going on about bucket lists, because they're clearly a thinly veiled method of boasting about how many cool things you do, and making me feel bad. How many cool things you do with your vast inheritance. How many cool and expensive things.

1: I don't think that's quite fair.

2: So, I've got a bucket list, and now I've ticked everything off on it, which means I win, and you can't keep going on at me, and you can't be all smug and annoying, and I win.

1: Right.

2: Right!

1: So, if your one item is to tick off an item, why did you tick it off?

2: What do you mean? I ticked it off because ticking it off means I've done the thing which allows me to tick it off. So I ticked it off.

1: No. You can't tick it off until you've done the thing that allows you to tick it off, and since said thing is ticking it off, which you can't do until you've done it, you're not allowed to tick it off. You're never allowed to tick it off.

2: No...but...because when I tick it...oh.

1: Yep, no bucket list for you, Gladys! And also, ha, isn't that something? I get to tick something off my bucket list - "Create a paradox and destroy the dreams of a friend or acquaintance": tick! Unambiguously tick!

2: I hate you and I wish I'd never met you or heard of your bucket list and I wish you were a bucket you stupid...bucket...and, if you were a bucket I'd wee in you then throw you in a bigger bucket and shout "f**k the f**king bucket!", you bucket.

1: Hmmm. Coincidentally, making someone say that sentence was also on my bucket list. Never thought I'd tick that off, I'll be honest. And, oh look, I've now done all the things that prove I've had a fulfilling life. Right, I'm off skiing and scuba-diving at the same time. Bye!

2: [VAST SIGH]

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 9th February 2018, 4:40pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 3,286 posts

BEATLEBUM

As another year arrives and we're all closer to death, Liverpool, the world and all Stoke is shocked by a comment from Mr Jesus Christ:

'The Beatles will go. They will vanish and shrink. I'm more popular than John Lennon now... John was all right but his Beatlemaniacs were thick and ordinary. It's them twisting and shouting it that ruins it for me.'
The Beatles - three musicians and Ringo - were unavailable for comment. Two are dead and the other two might as well be. However, these comments from Jesus - a carpenter's son, religious thinker and Saviour of Humankind - have sparked worlwide controversy.

'What a wanker,' says Vicar Hothead of Georgia, Atlanta, America. 'I'm not going to church again - and I used to go religiously.' Church leaders, speakers and other pedos are behind him, literally, organising bumfires to pubicly burn crucifixes, Bibles and that tacky crap they sell on the way to the Vatican, I mean hello, what's that all about for John's sake.

The Messiah's manager, Kilroy - sorry, El Roi - is so concerned he may cancel the Horn Of Salvation's upcoming Galilee tour. He flew - literally - to Scouseside to hold a press conference (and the whole world) in His hand, saying the Word's words were taken out of context, and expressing regret that "people with certain musical tastes should be offended".

The Son of David is leaving for his spoken word tour of the Middle East. He did not want to apologise but was advised by his right hand man and the man sitting at his right hand to. He said "If I had said the Rolling Stones were more popular than the Beatles, I might have got away with it" but stressed. Sorry, stressed he was simply remarking on how other people viewed and popularised Christianity. He described his own belief in Lennon by quoting his mate, "not as an old man in the sky. I believe that what people call John is something in all of us. He was in a lot of women, and Yoko" - adam and the ants - I mean, adamant he was not comparing himself with a Beatle. Imagine...

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gappy

  • Saturday 10th February 2018, 11:38am
  • Oxford, England
  • 1,906 posts

Hmm. Coin tossing time, I think. Micheal's is very well turned indeed, but a nagging voice in my head says it reminds me too much of NTNOCN's LIfe of Python sketch. Frankie's is Franklie mystifying, but it's exciting having a new person joining in, and one with a fresh individual style at that,.

So, seriously, I'm tossing now.

It's come up Frankie. So, I'm going to edit out the words "a coin" from the line above as a bonus present to Mr M.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 10th February 2018, 1:27pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 3,286 posts
Quote: gappy @ 10th February 2018, 11:38 AM

it reminds me too much of NTNOCN's LIfe of Python sketch.

Great skit, but it wasn't on my mind. Just a classic reversal.
Gappy again.

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Frankie Mildly Perturbed

  • Saturday 10th February 2018, 4:39pm [Edited]
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 5,312 posts

I like this thread, it is in fact my favourite thread on the site, and which has been revitalised by Michael since he took it over. Pity we can't get some of those 'NewsJack reject' contributors in here, but they're just too busy Jacking, I guess.

On this occasion, MICHAEL takes it for me, but for his bin liner, I mean one liner:

First time I tried anal, something cracked.

But is this kosher, Michael with two entries.. !?!?

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gappy

  • Saturday 10th February 2018, 6:08pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 1,906 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 10th February 2018, 1:27 PM

Great skit, but it wasn't on my mind. Just a classic reversal.
Gappy again.

Oh, yeah, I didn't think you nicked it, it's just sometimes a sketch reminds you of another one too much to fully enjoy it (sometimes quite unfairly, but that's the brain for you).

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Frankie Mildly Perturbed

  • Saturday 10th February 2018, 6:36pm
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 5,312 posts
Quote: gappy @ 10th February 2018, 11:38 AM

Frankie's is Franklie mystifying, but it's exciting having a new person joining in, and one with a fresh individual style at that.

Thank you for your kind words. :)

Can you get any of your NewsJack mates interested in this thread? Looking back through old posts there used to be a lot more contributors; and you, Michael and I must think it's fun or we wouldn't be here. What do you reckon, can we drum up some more customers, after all it's good practice with random topics being thrown in willy nilly, and we all need the practice...

You're only as good as your last skit! :)

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gappy

  • Saturday 10th February 2018, 6:46pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 1,906 posts

I'm afraid I have no Newsjack mates. Not only do I have no mates, but I can't stand Newsjack.Laughing out loud

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Frankie Mildly Perturbed

  • Saturday 10th February 2018, 6:49pm [Edited]
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 5,312 posts
Quote: gappy @ 10th February 2018, 6:46 PM

I'm afraid I have no Newsjack mates. Not only do I have no mates, but I can't stand Newsjack.Laughing out loud

Sorry, gappy, I mistook you for gap..

I chopped off your py .. I won't do it again, well.. the end is off now, and they do say it's more healthy that way..

I wish I had no Mates, I have a packet of three Mates, I bought it about 10 years ago, still got all three.. :(

AS FOR NEWSJACK ... the one dimensional aspect sucks, they should take any subject. The audience will still laugh at a non-current, non-topical sketch if it's funny enough. The Producer(s) needs to wise up, but hey, the guy(s) with the big pay check(s), dem always knows best, don't dey not.

footnote: Actually, it was GAP1 I mistool you for, and I chopper his 1 off 2 ...

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 11th February 2018, 11:29am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 3,286 posts
Quote: Frankie Mildly Perturbed @ 10th February 2018, 4:39 PM

First time I tried anal, something cracked.

I had two entries last night. We are family.

Quote: gappy @ 10th February 2018, 6:08 PM

Oh, yeah, I didn't think you nicked it, it's just sometimes a sketch reminds you of another one too much to fully enjoy it (sometimes quite unfairly, but that's the brain for you).

I had a brain once.

Quote: gappy @ 10th February 2018, 6:46 PM

I'm afraid I have no Newsjack mates. Not only do I have no mates, but I can't stand Newsjack.Laughing out loud

You never know who your friends are. Unless you're on Facebook, there's a list.

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playfull

  • Tuesday 13th February 2018, 4:11pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,389 posts

It is Michael for me.

As usual left it too late to enter....

And hi to Frankie

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Frankie Mildly Perturbed

  • Tuesday 13th February 2018, 6:46pm [Edited]
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 5,312 posts

Hi playfull ... good to see you here in this thread, my favourite BCG thread !!!

I have been advised that it was Michael's OTHER entry that was the official one, so having reviewed the myriad, nay cornucopia of magnificent entries (and exits) my vote goes to......

MICHAEL MONKHOSE

(mONKHEARSE, er, sorry, quayboard issues here ...

See you all next comp! Cool

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