British Comedy Guide

Smitten Cramp 20 - 28.1.18

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 20th January 2018, 10:35am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,702 posts

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to PLAYFULL for winkin'. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank pleased.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 -10 - Playfull
1 - 5 - Gappy

Your next topic is WAR (suggested by PLAYFULL).
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of gums, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl Mel C.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 28.1.18.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 30 - Playfull
2 - 25 - Gappy
3 - 5 - me, Crindy

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 20th January 2018, 1:54pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,702 posts

Hi. Today I interviewed two candidates for Head of Modern Languages at Harvard.
The first was David. David has 354 A-levels, 53 degrees and fluency in 754 languages. He has 30 years' experience of international companies and will dedicate 20 hours a day to the job; despite this, he's also a dedicated family man who enjoys a range of physical and intellectual pursuits.
Second was Belinda Bigjuggs. Belinda is a whore; actually, she does it for free. Her hobbies are cruelty to animals, selling minors cocaine and fist-f**king mongeese. She likes arson, Special Brew and hooliganism, but hates children, work and black people - or as she calls them, f**king brownies.
Obviously, I gave the job to Belinda - because I believe in equal opportunities for women. Why do men get all the chances, even now? It's unfair and the kind of sexism that has no place in society, least of all my workspace.
War between the sexes? The answer is positive discrimination. Replace hate-fuelled, meaningless old prejudice with hate-fuelled, meaningless new prejudice.

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gappy

  • Sunday 21st January 2018, 2:05pm [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

I mean, this sin;t really war, just office bickering, but sometimes that feels like a war. Look, alright, this is what popped into my head, and I know it doesn't really fit, but it made me chuckle. Sorry.

1: We should throw that plant out.

2: Why? That's my plant.

1: It's dead.

2: It's not.

1: It clearly is.

2: Oh, I didn't realise you were such a gardener.

1: I'm not a gardener, but I know that plant is dead. I'm not a vet either, but I know when an animal is dead.

2: What about a stick insect? You'd not be sure about that.

1: I would if I watched it a long time.

2: Well, you've only just looked at that plant.

1: I see it every day! It's always in the office, and it's always dead. Since about May.

2: Alright, it's dead! So?

1: So, get rid of it! A dead plant is a bad vibe.

2: It's not as bad as no plant.

1: It is!

2: It's not. Look, remember when we had this pact to try to make the office look nicer?

1: To offset the fact we hate each other? Yes.

2: Yeah. And I chose the plant, and you chose..?

1: A print of Manet's Dejeuner sur l'Herbe. Which was obviously better.

2: Exactly. And, I remember saying that it's pointless unless we could get the actual Dejeuner sur l'Herbe, and you said a print, though inevitably not quite as good, was obviously, and without any fragment of doubt, better than nothing at all.

1: Yes, I did, but -

2: And so, a dead plant is exactly like aprint of Dejeuner sur l'Herbe, and no plant is exactly like Pas de Dejeuner sur Rien de l'Herbe. Queue indeed!

1: You don't mean queue indeed.

2: Alright! I've got it. *You* don't like the dead plant, *you* buy a new one! Q & A!
1: You don't mean Q & A. But, alright, I'll buy a new plant, *if*, and only if, you water it every day, so it doesn't die again.

2: Fine. But *only* if you water Dejeuner sur l'Herbe every day. QVC.

1: No, of course not!

2: Oh, it's one rule for one, and one rule for the rest.

1: No, it's one rule for plants, and another for prints of Manet's Dejeuner sur l'Herbe.

2: That's what I said. QPR.

1: Fine! Then we'll have no plants, and no Manets, and no decoration at all, and we'll sit in absolute silence and not talk to each other ever again!

2: Works for me! I hate plants and art talking to people anyway.

1: Good, so do I!

SFX: PAUSE. PHONE RINGS]

1: Hello, Public Relations, Kew Gardens Exhbitions Department.

2: [HISSED] Actually, it's Kew ED.

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Otterfox

  • Wednesday 24th January 2018, 10:02am
  • Tipperary, Ireland
  • 1,028 posts

CORNELIUS AND I.

INTERVIEW STUDIO. (ARTSY SHOW) THE INTERVIEWER IS SPEAKING WITH AN ELDERLY WELL-TO-DO GENTLEMAN.

INTERVIEWER:
...And where did the idea for the book start?

OLIVER:
I'm afraid you've rather caught me on the hop. Bear with me a moment while I put on my glasses.

INTERVIEWER:
Ah, you like to see who you're talking to.

OLIVER:
No, I can't see a bloody thing in them. These are in fact reading glasses which helps me to read the situation.

INTERVIEWER:
Okay, so the idea for the book...

OLIVER:
It all came together one cold and frosty night as I was sitting under the fire. It was-

INTERVIEWER:
Sorry, "under the fire"? I'm sure you mean in front of the fire?

OLIVER:
Yes, I don't mean that at all. I mean under the fire.

NTERVIEWER:
And why did you 'sit', as you call it under the fire?

OLIVER:
Well it was warm. We're talking the early years of one of the decades and it was freezing, frigid weather. I'd burrowed a kind of foxhole underneath the grate and it was that that got me thinking-

INTERVIEWER:
And when did the Cornelius epiphany come to you?

OLIVER:
I'm coming to that in my own roundabout way. It was that that got me thinking about all the Corneliai that I'd come into contact with. Two immediately stood out. As my hair began to singe I came to the conclusion that all Corneliai were hotheads.

INTERVIEWER:
Short tempered.

OLIVER:
No, roasting heads. I was in the scouts with a chap called Cornelius Balfour. We were about to set up camp when all the fire lighting equipment fell into a river but we still managed to set a blazing fire by using his head as a match. A few years lat-

INTERVIEWER:
I'm sorry. What-

OLIVER:
Let me continue my outlandish story. A few years later one of the wars broke out. I was drafted and found myself in the same company as a Cornelius Carmody. Corny was a lovely chap. He came in one day with his head shaved. The whole thing completely shorn. His eyebrows, eyelashes, even his ears; as was the fashion at the time.
With his bald head shining in the moonlight we noticed a fairly detailed map stretching from one ear to the other. We decided to follow it and found that it lead us deep behind enemy lines just south of the Eagles Nest. Essentially we could use his headquarters (points at head) to find their headquarters. On the darkest of nights his head was used as a torch and when we were in grave danger we could fire him into the sky and use him as a flare. He was a true hero and you felt safe just knowing he was there.
Back at our barracks a couple of days later he comes running up to me with his head in flames. He was in a blind panic. I must have asked him sixty seven times what was wrong with him but he wouldn't talk in the traditional fashion. It was all roaring with him. About ten minutes later he dropped in a heap right in front of me.

INTERVIEWER:
Did you ever find out?

OLIVER:
Find out what?

INTERVIEWER:
What was wrong with him?

OLIVER:
If I were to guess I'd say mumps. There's not a day that goes by when I think about them that I don't think about them. I crawl under my fire and I shed two single tears. One for each Cornelius and wait for the searing heat of the fire to burn them off my face. I feel it's what they would have wanted.

INTERVIEWER:
The book 'Cornelius and I-

OLIVER:
'-and Cornelius and I'

INTERVIEWER:
Yes I was just saying that. The book 'Cornelius and I-

OLIVER:
You're not saying the second bit. It's Cornelius and I-

INTERVIEWER:
-And Cornelius and I.

BEAT.

OLIVER:
You're still only saying it once. I even gave you a chance that time to see if you would say it right.

INTERVIEWER:
I have the book in front of me, I know what it's called.

OLIVER:
Well you obviously can't read then.

INTERVIEWER TRIES NOT TO REACT TO THE INSULT.

INTERVIEWER: (INSULTED)
Join us next week when I'll be speaking to-

OLIVER:
It's 'Cornelius and I and Cornelius and I.'

INTERVIEWER: (LOUDER)
When I'll be speaking to Barry Siskin-

OLIVER:
That's the name of my book. The one he couldn't say.

INTERVIEWER:
Barry Siskin, tells us about his book documenting his survival in the jungles of Peru whilst suffering from eye bunions.

OLIVER:
Available in all good bookshops...MINE...Cornelius and I and-

INTERVIEW:
-Cornelius and I.

BEAT.

OLIVER: (ANNOYED)
AND Cornelius and I!

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playfull

  • Sunday 28th January 2018, 11:58pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,705 posts

TRUMP: Hello President Putin.

PUTIN: Hello President Trump.

TRUMP: It is President Trump here.

PUTIN: I know.

TRUMP: You do? How did you know?

PUTIN: We are speaking on the hotline. It is a direct hard-wired line exclusively for the use of the two of us. Just a minute Mr President my advisors want me....yes...ok...They are requesting that I ask you to stop using this line to try and order take away.

TRUMP: I use this line because it is the most secure. Apparently the Russians listen in on the other lines.

PUTIN: I have no answer to that. Could we get to the point of the call Mr President?

TRUMP: Well Vladimir, can I call you Vladimir?

PUTIN: No.

TRUMP: Well Vlad I just wanted to give you a heads up...

PUTIN: On your imminent missile strike on North Korea.

TRUMP: On our imminent missile strike...hey! How did you know about that?

PUTIN: We have the worlds most sophisticated and highly resourced intelligence organisation Mr President. That and your tweet this morning.

TRUMP: You're a follower? That's great Vlad.

PUTIN: No, I'm not Mr President, but my six year old Granddaughter is. And it is 'Mr President'.

TRUMP: Wow you ought to see my advisors faces when you mentioned my tweet, blacker than Obama in a coal cellar.

PUTIN: That remark was both racist and unnecessary Mr President.

TRUMP: Why thank you Vlad.

PUTIN: I don't want to piss on your chips Mr President but...

TRUMP: Hey! that was one time and you said you would not mention it again!

PUTIN: It's a saying Mr President. I mean we cannot allow you to start a nuclear Armageddon. China will not just let you attack North Korea without any retaliation.

TRUMP: Don't worry Vlad we can wipe out China too. My advisors tell me that after my tweet we don't really have any option.

PUTIN: My god what have we done... Hillary, we could just have let Hillary win...

TRUMP: So anyway they thought I should let you know...

PUTIN: But it will be impossible to strike China without them launching a strike on the USA.

TRUMP: You think? Well guess what! Our strategists have come up with a great plan, we call it the Trump manoeuvre. They worked out that if you can distract the ruling elite and their top advisors for 10 minutes as you launch an attack, then they will not have time to authorise a retaliatory strike. It's called the Golden 10 minutes. As soon as I come off the phone with you I have a 10 minute call scheduled with President Xi Jinping. He's going to have all his top advisors and aides with him. Clever eh?

PUTIN: Very clever Mr President. We have something similar in Russia, we call it the 'Putin Protocol'. We refer to the 'Golden six and a half minutes.' Which coincidentally is about the length of time we have been on the phone. As I said we cannot allow you to start a Nuclear Armageddon...

TRUMP: Sorry Vlad, I'm going to have to go everyone is running around here like crazy. I'll speak to you about this later.

PUTIN: No you won't. Goodbye Mr President.

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gappy

  • Monday 29th January 2018, 8:34am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

Playfull for me.

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playfull

  • Monday 29th January 2018, 6:36pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,705 posts

Gappy

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Otterfox

  • Monday 29th January 2018, 10:08pm
  • Tipperary, Ireland
  • 1,028 posts

It's playfull for me this week.